who buys the bm dress?

BKane2B · February 2010

I've always been told "the rule" of bridesmaids, is that, unless the bride is extremely wealthy, that the bridesmaid/s is/are supposed to pay for their own dress(es).

Two of my bridesmaids are fine paying for their dresses (which are being sewn by someone & need the pymt upfront = they're costing $80, which covers the cost of fabric, lace, etc. vs. the cost of the original choice of bm dress, which cost $140!). Then there are two who:

1) expect me to pay for their roundtrip, 1st-class plane ticket to our location & put them up in a "plush hotel suite".
2) also expect us to pay for their dress, shoes, any makeup or hair styling (i understand the stylist cost is on my bill, right?)

I guess what I'm really asking for, is how to explain to the two bridesmaids that they will be paying for each of their dresses, and if they're aren't cool with that, how to keep them in my wedding...

Thanks!

gottahavashorti · February 2010

Bridesmaids typically cover their dresses. Ask them what their dress budget is and go from there. If it is less than $80, maybe you can cover the difference.

You are not expected to pay for their travel, hotel, shoes, makeup or stylist unless you are requiring particular shoes and professional hair and makeup. Give them your hotel block information if you have one. You can give general guidelines for shoes like "anything black" or "gold strappy sandals" so that they can wear something they own or find something they like within their budgets. You can offer information for pro hair and makeup in case they want to opt iin.

Edit: It sounds like they are expecting far more pampering as bridesmaids than I am as a bride. That seems really strange to me.

swim1011 · February 2010

Ditto gotta. You need to be upfront and tell them you don't have the money to pay for their hotel rooms, tickets, dress, shoes, hair or makeup. When you sign up to be a BM, it's generally expected that you pay for all these things- it sounds like they're trying to sucker you as much as they can, honestly.

I don't know how to keep them in the wedding, but let me ask this. Do you really want people who are demanding you pay for everything for them, standing up for you? Are they really that good of friends, or they just pretend to be? Another possibility is that they are new to weddings and don't know the protocol. If that's the case, enlighten them. If they chose to not come bc of costs, it's sad, but you'll save yourself a boatload of money. Also, do check and see what their budget is for the dress- I covered part of it for a BM who is still in school and didn't have enough for a $200 dress.

banana468 · February 2010

Ditto that you need to be up front.

"Hey, what's your budget for a BM dress?"

From an etiquette perspective, "technically" you're responsible for providing them lodging but that's often not followed and providing lodging doesn't mean a luxury suite. My BMs stayed with me the night before the wedding at my parents' home.

Just be direct to nip it now.

emilyinchile · February 2010

The other girls have it right. I think if you can offer them a place to stay (a guest room or futon) and a ride from the airport, that would be nice. But you're under no obligation to pay for flights or hotels.

stina93446 · February 2010

I have never heard of brides being responsible for the plane ticket. That's BS.

mbcdefg · February 2010

You have to pay for anything you're requiring, outside of the dress and alterations. And you need to ask them upfront about what they can afford for the dress.

So if you are requiring them to get pro hair and makeup done (even if you let them pick the style), if you're telling them that they HAVE to stay in a certain hotel, if they HAVE to have their nails done, if they HAVE to come in several days before the wedding ... then yes, you should be picking up the bill.

If you say something like, "I'm going to Pretty Princess Salon and you're welcome to come if you want but you can go somewhere else or do your own hair if you want" ... if you just ask them to wear any silver sandals they can get their hands on ... if they can fly in whenever they want to be there in time for the ceremony ... if you set up a hotel block but they can choose another place if they wish ... then they're just being greedy and you aren't obligated to pay for them at all because you are giving them choices and making things optional.

bablingbrooke · February 2010

If you require hair, makeup, special shoes, etc. then you should pay.

Dress is on them.

First-class accommodation is ridiculous and I'd really question the friendship if someone were demanding that of me.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · February 2010

Ditto PPs. Ask their budget for everything.

I am not wealthy and I'm paying for my BM dresses, but I KNOW that isn't the norm. Some of them have financial problems and I figured it was just best to tell them, "I'll buy your dresses" across the board. Then again, I'm only having 3 BMs, they're all local, and it just works for me.

Also, I'm telling my girls that I do. not. care. about shoes, makeup, hair or jewelry. They can do whatever they want. If they want to pay for it, fine. Or they can do their own hair and makeup and wear shoes and necklaces they already own.

Also, how did you find out they expect this and what was your initial response?

duckie1905 · February 2010

I have only had a bride pay for my flight/hotel once and that was because I knew I wouldn't be able to afford it and she insisted on covering the costs for me.

Other than that, I've always had to pay my own way. If you are insisting on certain shoes and jewelry and that they get their hair/makeup done then yes, you should pay. If you are letting them decide these things then you aren't on the hook for the cost.

As for first class air and hotels. If they insist that this is what they want and won't pay for it you can either do it to keep them in the WP or tell them you can't afford it and see how they react. IMO, they really are asking too much.

BKane2B · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_buys-bm-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:9f93d92a-0c2e-4262-afa3-1dc579c8a5bbPost:2e358e1d-9057-4384-b5f0-b67487b053df">Re: who buys the bm dress?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ditto PPs. Also, how did you find out they expect this and what was your initial response?
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

Well, first off, my maitron of honor, who lemme first say, is married to a high-up marine corp...they live very comfortable...she gets a new lexus every year (that should tell you something) - well, she came to me about the start of the new year when we were talking about the wedding. She is my deceased best friends' sister - i figured, next best thing to having my bestee there, would be to have his sister stand up with me (i've since changed my mind after the demanding requests she was making to me & my FI). Anyways, she came to me in Jan, and asked how her, her kids and her hubby were to get up here to the wedding (they live in texas, we're in iowa). I didn't exactly know what she was referring to, so naturally, I gave her the address and said to google-map it. Then more of a demand came - "no, i mean, we don't fly anything but 1st class - when are you going to buy our tickets? and where is the hotel? we refuse to stay in anything less that a double-tree, if you even have them there!"

Are you thinking what I was thinking at that moment?

I seriously started rethinking who i was going to have stand up with me.

Next, was my youngest BM, who is in college - she's not my sister, but she's like one. When i wrote her an email stating that i needed her measurements & the pymt for the dress (so i could give it to the local seamstress here in town), so the lady could start making the dresses, my BM replied - "well, i don't have money for a measuring tape, much less an $80 dollar dress, besides which, aren't you going to pay for all of it, and i just show up!?" Lemme also say, that the original dresses I picked out were $165 (discounted price) - - I chose the BM style dress that I did for two reasons: 1) it brings out our theme so well (summertime 50's picnic = red gingham) and 2) it is less costly than the original choice AND the girls, if they so choose, can wear this again outside the wedding day.

I think the straw that broke the camels' back was the response I got from one of my BMs tonite. She called and asked that I change my whole theme AND wedding colors, so she could wear a dress that SHE liked (since she is paying for it), AND in a color that she liked! OMG!!! I was pretty much speechless when we ended our phone call. She doesn't like the colors, something cuz "when she was young, her mom made her & her siblings' dresses from the table cloths & most times it was red gingham!"

banana468 · February 2010

OK, I actually agree with finding a dress (to a certain degree) that the BMs like if they're paying for it.

But beyond that, I think they're being quite demanding.

emilyinchile · February 2010

If your youngest BM can't afford $80 for a dress, you need to help her figure out a solution. Can she wear a different dress? Can you cover the cost of what she can't afford? It's somewhat irrelevant whether you think she COULD afford it if she'd just give up Starbucks or spend less on shopping or whatever...she should tell you what her budget is, and you should respect that.

The MOH is crazy. I would have a talk with her and explain that you aren't able to cover any of their expenses beyond any specific shoes/accessories or pro hair/make-up that you require. If she freaks out and drops out, you don't need to replace her, just be glad you got that drama out of the way.

In general, I think you need to respect budget and comfort when it comes to the dress. If the last BM were uncomfortable in the dress (too low cut, unflattering shape, etc) I'd say you should let her make some changes. But if she just doesn't like the color, I think that's the time when as a BM you realize this is what you signed up for.

BKane2B · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_buys-bm-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:9f93d92a-0c2e-4262-afa3-1dc579c8a5bbPost:53364623-b19d-43f4-943f-9e949ac1b81d">Re: who buys the bm dress?</a>:
[QUOTE]If your youngest BM can't afford $80 for a dress, you need to help her figure out a solution. Can she wear a different dress? Can you cover the cost of what she can't afford? It's somewhat irrelevant whether you think she COULD afford it if she'd just give up Starbucks or spend less on shopping or whatever...she should tell you what her budget is, and you should respect that... If the last BM were uncomfortable in the dress (too low cut, unflattering shape, etc) I'd say you should let her make some changes. But if she just doesn't like the color, I think that's the time when as a BM you realize this is what you signed up for.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

The youngest BM "Michelle" -yeah she's in college, she says she can't afford it, but i have a little bit of a hard time believing that (but at the same time i don't want to call her out!) - mainly because she emailed me telling me she just bought two new horses. "Mac cost me $1500, and Mudder was $3000! They're the main men in my life! LOL!" ~ "michelle"

As far as the cost on dresses, I feel like I've already paid part of each of their payments, BECAUSE, the $80 only covers the fee for the seamstress to make the dress. None of the cost includes the fabric. I have paid for all the fabric to make the dresses. Had the cost to make the dress been accurate, it would have cost my BMs MORE than $80. So "meeting halfway in between to help my BMs make budget" = I feel I've already done so. It takes 7 yds of fabric to make 1 dress - there's 4 BMs. I spent close to $500 on fabric alone, to make the dresses!

The last BM - she didn't not like the cut of the dress - but she wanted me to change my whole theme of the wedding - AND my colors! WTF!?!? I've NEVER heard of a BM asking the bride to change her colors and theme of the wedding, just because the dresses remind her of table cloths from her childhood.

Am I sounding like a BRIDEZILLA?

bablingbrooke · February 2010

No, it sounds like you have crappy friends.

I do think "Michelle's" costs are totally justified. I had to spring for a new Mac last year because Dells kept crapping out after 2-3 years and I need a decent laptop in law school that wouldn't fail me (so far so good!). So I don't think it's fair to say "She just spent $4,000 on computers but she should be able to spend $80 on my wedding." I agree it's a low amount, I'm just saying I don't think she's being exactly frivolous.

gottahavashorti · February 2010

Brooke, that's what I thought at first too but after re-reading I think Mac is a horse.

It sounds like your friends are way too high maintenance. Although I'm confused about the dress price - is the total cost to make a dress ($80+125) actually more since they're being custom made?

emilyinchile · February 2010

No, you're not being a bridezilla, but the rainbow colors make my head hurt.

Haha Brooke, she's talking about a horse named Mac. And OP, that was my point - she may choose to spend her money on other things. You would hope that having accepted the honor of being a BM, she would give you a realistic budget to work with based on what she can afford, but it's still her money, and you have no claim on it. Plus you can't compare horses to a dress in terms of how important they each are - and she may well have had to save to buy them and/or have had this purchase affect her budget for the next few months.

It's really generous of you to have bought the fabric. But it sounds like you need to have a conversation with Michelle about the dress cost. Call her, explain that you're sorry for not asking her budget earlier but would like to make up for it now since you've been operating under the assumption that the BMs would buy their dresses as is tradition. Ask what she's able to spend and go from there.

[Deleted User] · February 2010

I didn't read the rest of the posts, so this has likely been said or addressed already. It's up to the BMs to buy their dresses, but as a bride you should ask their budget beforehand. But, since your dresses are pretty cheap, that doesn't seem to be an issue, I bought my MOH's dress (no BMs) beause I knew she didn't have any money, but she got her shoes.

As for the travel, that's BS that they are demanding you pay for a luxury suite and all, on top of hair, makeup, etc. Tell them you cannot cover that and if they can't be in the wedding because of it then you understand. You don't want people who are trying to use you in your WP anyway.

BKane2B · February 2010

MAC is a horse, not a computer...and as far as I understand, thru her telling me - it was an "impulse buy"...apparently she'd gotten a big bonus check from her work that she used to buy her two horses. I might also add, that she already owns 3 other horses - i know, it has nothing really to do with the wedding.

However, it does leave me thinking/wondering, if she has the impulse money to buy 2 horses (that she obviously doesn't need, but "really wanted"), but she doesn't have the money for an $80 dress?

When we originally were looking at dresses @ the bridal shop & had the ones picked out that ran about $165 (that's with tax added) - she stated she was totally fine with that cost - and now she's not!?!?

I'm not sure who wrote it - but yes the actual cost of the BM dress is $80+additional cost for the fabric, which is actually more (didn't realize fabric was so costly until i bought like 3 reams of it!).

I feel like I'm whining - am I ? I just feel like I've already paid like $100+ for the BM dresses, with buying the fabric, and what's the big deal with paying the smaller fee for the dresses to be custom made?

Like michelle had stated before - she could afford the more expensive dress ($165)...but now for some reason she cannot afford the lesser costly one? what's weird with this picture?

gottahavashorti · February 2010

I agree that it makes no sense. Maybe she doesn't have enough money due to the additional vet, farrier, feed and tack bills she's picked up by 2 extra horses. From the outside, it doesn't sound like she is being responsible with her money - which may or may not be true since she's the only one looking at her bank account, but either way you can't really do anything about it.

BKane2B · February 2010

How nice am I as the Bride working with Michelle?

She's currently going to college in Riverton, WY.

So what do I do...call to the local bridal shop there & ask if they could measure her for a custom BM dress - they were very helpful & said sure, that they'd just charge a $5 fee, which i said I'd pay for over the phone w/my debit card.

I relay this information to Michelle, who in return says she doesn't have the money to get her truck down there! The distance from the college to the bridal store is 2 miles away - that's what, $1.00 in gas?

Not only is she thanking me for my thoughtfulness of calling a local shop AND offering to pay the fee - she's just being downright catty about the whole situation. I even said, if you want to wait until you come back during spring break to pay for the dress, that's fine with me - as long as it's paid for in full.

But the dire need right now, is that the seamstress gets the measurements - she has 7 dresses to make...not to mention all the other work she does from her bridal business & she's the only employee! It's a small shop, but she does all the alterations, ordering of dresses, helping potential clients, etc, etc...I can only imagine the kind of stress she's under trying desperately (just picture this) to finish all 7 bridesmaid dresses & get the fitted to the BMs, say just a couple wks b4 the wedding date!

Sheesh!? Am I in the wrong here?

I'm seriously thinking of cutting michelle as a BM - - she got catty when i made the statement "if you don't think you can fulfill the role of a BM, perhaps you could do something else in the wedding: hand out programs or bubbles afterward, sit at the gift desk, sit at the sign-in desk..." = = her response wasn't very nice! I'm not even going to repeat it on here, because there was swearing involved!

duckie1905 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_buys-bm-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:9f93d92a-0c2e-4262-afa3-1dc579c8a5bbPost:4742cadb-c3d0-4dac-af9e-6274ac3c7d4f">Re: who buys the bm dress?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm seriously thinking of cutting michelle as a BM - - she got catty when i made the statement "if you don't think you can fulfill the role of a BM, perhaps you could do something else in the wedding: hand out programs or bubbles afterward, sit at the gift desk, sit at the sign-in desk..." = = her response wasn't very nice! I'm not even going to repeat it on here, because there was swearing involved! :(
Posted by BKane2B[/QUOTE]

In all fairness to her, even though to you her behavior appears wonky, this was a pretty horrible thing to say. Basically, you told her instead of being a BM she should do some crap job in your wedding (those things you mentioned are not honors, they are chores).

I probably would've reacted badly too.

In most cases I side with the BMs but I think that you both are being unreasonable. First of all, custom made dresses make it impossible for the BM to be on a schedule that fits her timetable and finances.

Why can't the dressmaker just start the other dresses to give her more time?

emilyinchile · February 2010

OP, I agree that this sucks, and Michelle's being frustrating. But I think at this point, you need to just take a deep breath. Call her one last time. Explain that you understood that her budget stretched to $165, so you didn't think $80 would be a problem and that as a BM, she needs to buy her dress and get the measurements to your seamstress by X date (give the absolute final date...so if there are 7 dresses, say the date that the seamstress would need to start working on the 7th, assuming she won't be doing all of them at once). And then hang up. Don't engage in conversation about how she's spending her money or whether you're right or wrong or whatever.

If she doesn't get the dress, she's removed herself from the WP. But you being the one to kick her out ends the friendship and automatically makes you look like a bridezilla.

bablingbrooke · February 2010

Hahahahahaha I'm SMRT.

BKane2B · February 2010

Thanks for the insight!

Lord knows I need all the help I can get...I didn't include it, but also asked if maybe she'd like to sing, or read some bible verses (are those chores too?) or say a small speech (she's good @ writing those up).

On the other side of things - she apparently called her mom saying I was threatening her and insinuating that I didn't even want her to attend my wedding, as a BM or anything else. OMG!!!! NOT THE CASE!!!! In turn, her mom just got done (less than 5 min ago) trying to rip me a new one via phone conversation! Stating NEVER to talk to her daughter like she's a 3 year old, and that I need to look in the mirror next time! "as far as i knew, you're putting alot of money in to this wedding, what's $205 ($80+$125) dollars to you for a BM dress, especially when my daughter is in college, and has stress from classes and her boyfriend to worry about!? If you need to hound someone for money for the dress, don't ever harrass my daughter again for it...come to me! She doesn't need all this stress that you're putting on her! Grow the F*@$ up!"

um, can i say.....SPEECHLESS.

BKane2B · February 2010

Actually, I'm about to the point of throwing my hands up in the air and screaming,

SCREW IT ALL..........and just having a JOP wedding! No BMs, no GMs, no MOHs....just me, the man i love and our parents!

Dayumn!

duckie1905 · February 2010

Okay, but really, if a bride called me and told me that if I couldn't peform the BM duties that I could do something else, I might think of that as a threat or some sort of insinuation that she didn't want me in the WP anymore. I would bet that based on what you said that is how she feels.

Just saying, what you said wasn't nice either. It wasn't cool for her mom to call you out but maybe she feels like she's already tried talking to you and hasn't had any luck.

Let her remove herself by not getting the dress. Any other roles in your wedding are insulting unless she tells you she can't be a BM. Even though being a reader is an acceptable honor if it comes from the bride removing you from the WP it becomes an insult.

gottahavashorti · February 2010

You should not have suggested other roles in the wedding. Even if it's not what you meant, it's generally interpreted as meaning that you want them out of the wedding.

That said, find out the latest date the seamstress would need her measurements. Tell her that date, and then don't say another word about it. You might want to make sure the seamstress has her pay up front since she sounds pretty unreliable. If she doesn't get the measurements, call the seamstress and send payment, she's removed herself from the wedding.

who buys the bm dress?

Re: who buys the bm dress?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards