Not inviting entire family...(long)

entropicbeauty · December 2011

Okay, so here's the deal. I come from an extremely large family (I'm talking about my mom being one of 17 children), and I do not want to invite all of them to my wedding. Some of my aunts and uncles I am not close with and I don't even know some of my cousin's names! The only awkward uncle I'm concerned about is the father of my favourite cousin who will be standing up as my man of honor...I do not want to invite that uncle.

He's been in and out of mental institutions since early adulthood and has some really psychopathic tendencies. At my little sister's baby shower, he made inappropriate comments about her to others AND to her face (like, sexually inappropriate jokes...to a pregnant woman....who is his niece....) (I know men shouldn't go to baby showers btw, this is just how this family has always worked, we roll events into other things, like over thanksgiving dinner we had another baby shower etc.). My uncle also makes some of my other relatives VERY uncomfortable (once, we were at a family reunion and he almost drowned one of my cousin's because he was "horsing around" in the lake with her, another time he broke into one of my aunt's houses when she and her husband weren't home and just the kids were home with a babysitter and he chased the poor babysitter around and the kids had to run for help...yeah, crazy.)

I feel pretty justified not inviting him even though he's not like other relatives who live far away and I don't know very well. On the contrary, I feel I know him well enough to know I DON'T want to see him on this one day.

My problem is that it feels really awkward because his son is my closest relative and is obviously standing up in my wedding. I told my cousin how I feel about his father and not wanting him there, he seemed to understand...but then his dad was asking about the wedding over Thanksgiving (no one in my family knows how to keep their mouth shut)! I do not want him thinking he is invited, but I do not know how to make this work.

Any advice on how to draw up some boundaries or make it clear? Do I just avoid any kind of wedding talk with ANY family members?

Help! I can only imagine this will come up again with Xmas approaching...

twissy94 · December 2011

Wow, that is a whole mess. I am sorry you are already stressing about Christmas when it should be a time to celebrate. But your wedding day is exactly that YOUR (and FI) day. If it will make you nervous/ uncomfortable the day of your wedding then you have every right not to invite him.

If you still feel awkward taking this stand about inviting who you want and not inviting the people that will cause problems, then I think when/if discussed and Christmas just say you are on a limited budget and can't afford to invite everyone. I know it might be a lie but if you do not want conflict it may be the best route. HTH

mancila60 · December 2011

Since this is your mom's family I would discuss things with her. I can understand why you wouldn't want to invite him. Personally I owuldn't want him at my wedding. Your cousin seems to understand as well. My concerns would be your cousin and your mom. You already got the approval of one.

I might wait till after Christmas to discuss this because you don't want to ruin the holidays or start something that could cause him to react not so nicely to. Also I agree with PP if asked I would say due to limited budgets not everyone could be invited and that you made cuts to FI's side first and friends and then your side last so that it doesn't look like you are singling them out.

osubuckigrl78 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_plus-sized_not-inviting-entire-familylong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:973cdc6f-961e-4fb0-a628-bef2bb559697Discussion:0ffa7e79-e73f-4ead-84ba-cf39793e71d9Post:0c03d8ce-4dcd-423c-810e-e3526393168f">Re: Not inviting entire family...(long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, that is a whole mess. I am sorry you are already stressing about Christmas when it should be a time to celebrate. But your wedding day is exactly that YOUR (and FI) day. If it will make you nervous/ uncomfortable the day of your wedding then you have every right not to invite him.<strong> If you still feel awkward taking this stand about inviting who you want and not inviting the people that will cause problems, then I think when/if discussed and Christmas just say you are on a limited budget and can't afford to invite everyone.</strong> I know it might be a lie but if you do not want conflict it may be the best route. HTH
Posted by twissy94[/QUOTE]

THIS!

entropicbeauty · December 2011

While we are working on a budget, budget is definitely not the reason he isn't invited and I'm afraid if I bring up "budget" other members of the family might feel compelled to "donate" so that he CAN come (or this is my fear, might not actually happen)

My mom has been fine with me inviting whoever I want to invite. Our family has a lot of people in it so not everyone gets invited to every wedding because of it. My parents are also not giving us money to fund the wedding (my father is begrudgingly loaning me enough money to cover the venue costs, but I'm expected to pay him back), so I worry less about that.

Do you guys think it would be better to just sort of have an avoiding line for the holidays? Like "Oh, we're still working on planning everything, so much to do!" that kind of thing?

I would love if my family just doesn't talk to me about it so I can avoid all of it, but I have a sneaking suspicion they're all going to be incredibly nosy about it.

entropicbeauty · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_plus-sized_not-inviting-entire-familylong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:973cdc6f-961e-4fb0-a628-bef2bb559697Discussion:0ffa7e79-e73f-4ead-84ba-cf39793e71d9Post:8262045d-1e67-460d-b135-a76325f48805">Re: Not inviting entire family...(long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a feeling, given his history, he may end up crashing your wedding anyway. :(
Posted by burntofferings[/QUOTE]

This is a nightmare of mine. I'm sincerely hoping without a paper invite to compel him to attend he won't - his wife (he's on his 4th wife, the first 3 ended really bad...shocker right?) is sort of a homebody who doesn't like to go to our family things so I don't think SHE would try to crash and might try to prevent him from doing so?

mancila60 · December 2011

I think just avoiding it would be fine. I would just say we are working on it and when we know more details we will let people know.

bruna29 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_plus-sized_not-inviting-entire-familylong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:973cdc6f-961e-4fb0-a628-bef2bb559697Discussion:0ffa7e79-e73f-4ead-84ba-cf39793e71d9Post:14c1c117-aa1a-4607-ab18-32f8fccd01d9">Re: Not inviting entire family...(long)</a>:
[QUOTE]While we are working on a budget, budget is definitely not the reason he isn't invited and I'm afraid if I bring up "budget" other members of the family might feel compelled to "donate" so that he CAN come (or this is my fear, might not actually happen) My mom has been fine with me inviting whoever I want to invite. Our family has a lot of people in it so not everyone gets invited to every wedding because of it. My parents are also not giving us money to fund the wedding (my father is begrudgingly loaning me enough money to cover the venue costs, but I'm expected to pay him back), so I worry less about that. Do you guys think it would be better to just sort of have an avoiding line for the holidays? Like <strong>"Oh, we're still working on planning everything, so much to do!"</strong> that kind of thing? I would love if my family just doesn't talk to me about it so I can avoid all of it, but I have a sneaking suspicion they're all going to be incredibly nosy about it.
Posted by entropicbeauty[/QUOTE]
I think that would be a decent line. You could say that and try to switch to a new topic. <div>
<div>Etiquette states that if you're not planning on inviting this guy to the wedding, be careful when making out your invitations. I don't know how old his son is, but if his son is over 18, then his son gets his own invitation. Now if you're still going to invite the aunt (i don't know if he's married), then just make out the invitation to her; however, technically, people who are married are considered units and you should not break up those units. If he's not married, then he'll realize he's not invited when he doesn't receive an invitation.</div><div>
</div><div>For Christmas, just keep it simple and enjoy your holiday. Hope this helps. :)</div></div>

RaptorSLH · December 2011

You're definitely justified in not inviting him, both for guest safety and your sanity. If giving a specific reason for not inviting him will lead people to try to fix it, then don't give one. Just "Unfortunately, we weren't able to invite everyone, and had to make some difficult decisions," then change the subject.

If you're far enough out that you can say "We haven't gotten that far in our planning yet," that can certainly get you past the holidays. But sooner or later, it sounds like you'll need a line like the one above.

osubuckigrl78 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_plus-sized_not-inviting-entire-familylong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:973cdc6f-961e-4fb0-a628-bef2bb559697Discussion:0ffa7e79-e73f-4ead-84ba-cf39793e71d9Post:f89213e7-70b0-4b7a-a26b-7a8f0e070fd7">Re: Not inviting entire family...(long)</a>:
[QUOTE]You're definitely justified in not inviting him, both for guest safety and your sanity. If giving a specific reason for not inviting him will lead people to try to fix it, then don't give one. <strong><em><u>Just "Unfortunately, we weren't able to invite everyone, and had to make some difficult decisions,"</u></em></strong> then change the subject. If you're far enough out that you can say "We haven't gotten that far in our planning yet," that can certainly get you past the holidays. But sooner or later, it sounds like you'll need a line like the one above.
Posted by RaptorSLH[/QUOTE]

This sounds like more of something I would say..... I think that is a REALLY good line!!! It will also somewhat prepare those who unfortunately did not make the cut, for whatever reason.....

I am having a little bit of the same issue but fortunately for me it isnt as large of a scale.... I'm just not even dealing with it... haha... That may be harsh or even a little bit sad to say, but those people know they are Drama-Drama-Drama!!! So if they dont understand why I dont want them ruining my day, then they have more issues than we all thought... LOL

entropicbeauty · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_plus-sized_not-inviting-entire-familylong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:973cdc6f-961e-4fb0-a628-bef2bb559697Discussion:0ffa7e79-e73f-4ead-84ba-cf39793e71d9Post:cd26f5f0-e611-4127-8635-3069eaf0ec7b">Re: Not inviting entire family...(long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not inviting entire family...(long) : I think that would be a decent line. You could say that and try to switch to a new topic. Etiquette states that if you're not planning on inviting this guy to the wedding, be careful when making out your invitations. I don't know how old his son is, but if his son is over 18, then his son gets his own invitation. Now if you're still going to invite the aunt (i don't know if he's married), then just make out the invitation to her; however, technically, people who are married are considered units and you should not break up those units. If he's not married, then he'll realize he's not invited when he doesn't receive an invitation. For Christmas, just keep it simple and enjoy your holiday. Hope this helps. :)
Posted by justdance93[/QUOTE]

My cousin is older than me by a year (we've been BFF's since I was born lol) and has his own house, so I'm not worried about sending an invitation. I also can't stand the crazy uncle's new wife so I wouldn't even consider inviting her. I think I may be able to avoid all of this and just politely back out of conversations that start heading down this way. I just don't want to have a panic attack about this crazy BS.

MMRoberts11 · December 2011

Honestly, if people ask I just wouldn't say much and say the guest list isn't finalized yet so you don't want to talk about it yet (or something like that).

My FI and I don't want his brother and SIL to come for reasons I won't get into here but this is what we do when they are around or ask any questions.

mollyehren · December 2011

If your relative who is standing up for you understands I might ask for his help in explaning that you want to geet it imtimate and small and quiet/peaceful. I would also use some of the lines mentioned above and if possible hand deliver the invite to your relative if he lives in the same household as his father to ensure it is not seen in the mail. Sent an announcement afterward

angele4200 · December 2011

I would definitely use a combination of the lines mentioned above, especially if you are worried about it being brought up at Christmas. Lines like "Oh, we've been busy planning for Christmas so we haven't done much wedding planning lately!" or you could even say something like "We have been working hard at planning and are keeping it very hush hush." Again in combo with some lines from above. I think if your cousin and your mom are understanding I wouldn't worry about not inviting him, and hopefully he doesn't do something like crash your party. If you are really afraid he will, I would suggest assigned seating so that if he does show up it is obvious there is no place for him. HTH

i2012do · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_plus-sized_not-inviting-entire-familylong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:973cdc6f-961e-4fb0-a628-bef2bb559697Discussion:0ffa7e79-e73f-4ead-84ba-cf39793e71d9Post:5940dc40-5ae8-455a-9466-fb146672bdcf">Re: Not inviting entire family...(long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not inviting entire family...(long) : This is a nightmare of mine. I'm sincerely hoping without a paper invite to compel him to attend he won't - his wife (he's on his 4th wife, the first 3 ended really bad...shocker right?) is sort of a homebody who doesn't like to go to our family things so I don't think SHE would try to crash and might try to prevent him from doing so?
Posted by entropicbeauty[/QUOTE]

<div>I won't repeat everything everyone else has said. But I think if a fear or yours is having him crash- you need to inform people at the venue. They can be in charge that day instead of you of worrying about that. Just say he is an unwelcome guest- and don't go into details -you don't need to explain yourself to them or air the dirty laundry.</div><div>
</div><div>Also, if you don't feel comfrotable and get a bad vibe then don't invite him. If you already talked to his son about it- leave it at that. You mentioned it and he seemed ok. It seems like this uncle doesnt go out of his way to worry about your feelings, so i wouldn't grant him the same courtesy.</div><div>
</div><div>Recetnyl i attended the wedding of a girl that has a schizophrehic borthe. She was worried about him attending the entire day and causing a scene. He made it through the ceremony but all sh!t broke loose after. He ended up like taking off and running away and missing the entire reception because he had a breakdown and thought the world was ending. She was crying and looking for him- and I felt SO bad for her. But then her mom was kind of standing around and was like "you were afraid this was going to happen for a reason- you had a gut feeling and should have listened to it"....so I totally think that that feeling insdie you that is aprehensive is trying to tell you something.</div><div>
</div><div>don't mention anything at Christmas., and if someone brings it up just politely say "we are still working out hte details, but thanks for asking ,we are excited to get married!"</div><div> or somethhing like that.</div><div>
</div>

Not inviting entire family...(long)

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