I want him to adopt my family name...

rociomatinal · December 2010

...how can I convince him?

Traditionally, in Europe, the woman adopts the husband's family name. Legally, there is also the possibility to choose the woman's name or for both to keep their own name.

We both want ONE name for my future family (and later for the kids). So we must choose between his name and mine. I am not strictly against the idea of changing my name, but my husband's name is one of the most ordinary, boring names of the whole country! Mine is a very rare, outstanding name, so I am really not happy with the idea of giving this up for the boring option!

He too seems to stuck to his name, though... Any clever ideas or arguments for me to convince him?

Thanks a lot!

)

SeaTea02 · December 2010

Ummm yeah. If he doesn't want to change his name then he shouldn't have to. Just like if you don't want to change yours.

Each of you can keep your own name, or hyphenate your names and maybe he would take that. So you would both be Smith-Jones.

It is wrong of you to try and force this on him.

garcias1 · December 2010

Yeah, you can't make him do something he doesn't want to do. How would you feel if he was pressuring you to take his name. These days plenty of women don't take their husbands name, so you don't have to. But this doesn't mean that you have any right to make him take your name. Hyphenate your name if you want. You can make your maiden name the kids' middle names if you want them to have your name in the future.

HobokensFury · December 2010

OP I think you're being pushy. Forcing someone to do something they don't want to is a wonerful way to begin a marriage.

heyimbren · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_want-him-adopt-family-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:b2b3dad3-e3f6-4b67-bdb4-b6208f63b200Post:47825d8d-ed74-4069-a7fb-a7061840607e">I want him to adopt my family name...</a>:
[QUOTE]...how can I convince him? Traditionally, in Europe, the woman adopts the husband's family name. Legally, there is also the possibility to choose the woman's name or for both to keep their own name. We both want ONE name for my future family (and later for the kids). So we must choose between his name and mine. I am not strictly against the idea of changing my name, but my husband's name is one of the most ordinary, boring names of the whole country! Mine is a very rare, outstanding name, so I am really not happy with the idea of giving this up for the boring option! He too seems to stuck to his name, though... Any clever ideas or arguments for me to convince him? Thanks a lot! :o)
Posted by rociomatinal[/QUOTE]

You and your FI need to decide what your priorities are. Is it most important to each of you that you keep your own last name? Or is it most important to both of you that you have one family name? If it's the latter, then you will have to come up with a compromise.

It doesn't matter what they do in Europe if that isn't what he's willing to do. Just like you don't have to take his last name just because it's customary here. You two need to sit down and have a serious conversation about what is most important to you and come up with a solution. One that doesn't involve "clever ideas or arguments to convince him".

Narwhal · December 2010

Maybe you can put them together in a fancy mash up! Smith and Jones can be Smithones! Campbell and Diaz can be Diampballz!

Everyone wins!

megk8oz · December 2010

If he was pressuring you to take his name, and you didn't want to, I'd be telling you "It's your name, he can't tell you what to do about it". I'd be a hypocrite if I went and said "Well, of course you should talk him into taking yours!". If he can't pick your name, you can't pick his.

You have to sign your name "for as long as you both shall live", he has to do the same with his. A big part of marriage is compromise, so you both either need to come up with a name you both are happy with, or accept not having the same name.

redheadfsu · December 2010

Do NOT put pressure on him to do anything with his name. Just like he should not put pressure on you to change your name. Each person has 100% control over their own name. You pressuring him to change his name is really horrible.

bsidebella · December 2010

You know, there's always the option of you BOTH changing your names to something completely different. My FI and I joked we're going to change our last name so that we're Mr. and Mrs. Awesome. But I would never ask him to take my name. How would you feel if he was pressuring you into taking his?

Also, if I may speak on the behalf of a child with a hyphenated last name - don't do it. Growing up with one is a pain in the butt. If you want to hyphenate your own name, okay, but don't saddle a kid with it. My college didn't get my name right on my transcripts, and they didn't believe me that my name was Smith-Jones and not Smithjones until I brought them my birth certificate. The whole hyphenated name doesn't fit on my credit cards or my checks so I had to change it to Bside S Jones. My SS card only had the one last name, but my birth certificate had them both. That caused me hell at the DMV because when I showed them all my IDs they claimed they couldn't accept them because it meant I was claiming to be three different people! (Bside S Jones, Bside Jones and Bside Smith-Jones). I had to get a new SS card with BOTH names on it just so I could renew my license!

I can't wait til I get married and only have ONE last name from then on!

bablingbrooke · December 2010

It's wrong of you to push him, just like it would be wrong of him to push you to take his name. It seems like there might be some deeper issues going on here. Particularly because you reason is, "his name is boring, mine's not!" Keep your own name if you don't want to change, but he's just as free to keep his name, too.

heyimbren · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_want-him-adopt-family-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:b2b3dad3-e3f6-4b67-bdb4-b6208f63b200Post:fc46dfc5-8d5f-4022-a317-4e447565643d">Re: I want him to adopt my family name...</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe you can put them together in a fancy mash up! Smith and Jones can be Smithones! Campbell and Diaz can be <strong>Diampballz</strong>! Everyone wins!
Posted by Narwhal[/QUOTE]

Please tell me this wasn't a typo. It's too funny.

Wrkn925 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_want-him-adopt-family-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:b2b3dad3-e3f6-4b67-bdb4-b6208f63b200Post:fc46dfc5-8d5f-4022-a317-4e447565643d">Re: I want him to adopt my family name...</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe you can put them together in a fancy mash up! Smith and Jones can be Smithones! Campbell and Diaz can be Diampballz! Everyone wins!
Posted by Narwhal[/QUOTE]

I had a college professor that did this.
The names were Atkins and Kauffman.
They are now Kaufkins.

Seriously, he told us the story. He was a really great prof. If I go back to finish my Bach. I'm taking another class with him.

kedorsett · December 2010

I know some people who didn't like either of their last names, so they created a whole new last name to share. This might be an option for you.

Elle1036 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_want-him-adopt-family-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:b2b3dad3-e3f6-4b67-bdb4-b6208f63b200Post:d4443637-817d-4be1-8a14-11fd868e844e">Re: I want him to adopt my family name...</a>:
[QUOTE]You know, there's always the option of you BOTH changing your names to something completely different.<strong> My FI and I joked we're going to change our last name so that we're Mr. and Mrs. Awesome. </strong>But I would never ask him to take my name. How would you feel if he was pressuring you into taking his? Also, if I may speak on the behalf of a child with a hyphenated last name - don't do it. Growing up with one is a pain in the butt. If you want to hyphenate your own name, okay, but don't saddle a kid with it. My college didn't get my name right on my transcripts, and they didn't believe me that my name was Smith-Jones and not Smithjones until I brought them my birth certificate. The whole hyphenated name doesn't fit on my credit cards or my checks so I had to change it to Bside S Jones. My SS card only had the one last name, but my birth certificate had them both. That caused me hell at the DMV because when I showed them all my IDs they claimed they couldn't accept them because it meant I was claiming to be three different people! (Bside S Jones, Bside Jones and Bside Smith-Jones). I had to get a new SS card with BOTH names on it just so I could renew my license! I can't wait til I get married and only have ONE last name from then on!
Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]

Just like in How I Met Your Mother! "This is our son, Totally, and our daughter, Freakin'". hehe.

bsidebella · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_want-him-adopt-family-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:b2b3dad3-e3f6-4b67-bdb4-b6208f63b200Post:03602dda-13a3-4d98-935f-2db67ebf2acc">Re: I want him to adopt my family name...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I want him to adopt my family name... : Just like in How I Met Your Mother! "This is our son, Totally, and our daughter, Freakin'". hehe.
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

Yup, exactly! =) Well, we're going to be either Awesome or del Toro. We're still deciding. FI's sister and her FI joked that they're going to make their last name Funkypants.

KtCa · December 2010

Often, men feel the need to carry on their family name and legacy. You are going to have a tough sell of getting him to change his name. Besides, would you really want to strong-arm him into that?

tldh · December 2010

DH didn't try to push me to take his name and told me that it was entirely my decision. I still haven't legally changed my name, I'll do it before we have a baby so we all have the same name. Never in a million years would I think to try to get him to change his name.

This isn't a subject that I would suggest you pursue. If he were open to changing his "boring" name to yours, he would have brought it up.

You can also do what I will be doing. Use your maiden name as a second middle name: Jane S. Fabulous Boring. You can name your kids Thomas Fabulous Boring, Jennifer Fabulous Boring, etc.

ki10 · December 2010

"If he was pressuring you to take his name, and you didn't want to, I'd be telling you "It's your name, he can't tell you what to do about it". I'd be a hypocrite if I went and said "Well, of course you should talk him into taking yours!". If he can't pick your name, you can't pick his."

Gotta disagree with this, but only in part. Totally agree that I stand by anyone's right to keep their name, regardless of gender. BUT, growing up where it is traditional for a woman to take her husband's name at marriage gives women years if not decades to come to terms with the idea of losing their name if they marry. Men who are surprised by the idea of losing their name often put forth more resistance than they would otherwise feel, given enough time to consider.

My primary recommendation is to give him time. While it is convenient to change your name at marriage, it's also a good idea to both keep your own names until you have your first child.

jilly2121 · December 2010

I think its funny that she said that she has a "rare, outstanding name" WTH does that mean? What makes a name outstanding? I wonder if I have an outstanding last name or if its just a boring one.

SeptemberFall2011 · December 2010

OP-I do see why you would want to keep a rare name. You know it's something off when someone can't pronouce it and it you'll be saved from getting yourself confused with another Patricia Jones.

On the other hand-forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do is being quite controlling not to mention a great way for him to hold a grudge and throw in your face anytime he can.

Give him your reasons why to keep/take your name and hear his. Maybe both can change. Maybe kid 1 and 3 gets your last name and kids 2 and 4 gets his. A name is a name.

sister2groom · December 2010

I also think it's kind of mean to call his name boring. I mean I'm proud of the fact that that there are fewer than 20 people on facebook with my last name, but that doesn't mean I need to put down other people's names.

CvilleClaire · December 2010

Hold up.

All of my names (first, middle, last) are French. Most people can't pronounce my last name. I will always be French, regardless of my name.

My FI's name is, literally, the most common last name among caucasians in this country. He's been hyphenating our names for years and I'm not sure I need to complexity of that.

Perhaps I'm babbling, but have an open mind. After having a unique last name for my entire life, I'm kind of looking forward to having a name with a more recognizable legacy. I'll be retaining my family name professionally, but will be taking his family name socially.

TheKnittingJedi · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_want-him-adopt-family-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:b2b3dad3-e3f6-4b67-bdb4-b6208f63b200Post:6e9bacfc-5ed0-48e8-9fb7-54c3cba81e6d">Re: I want him to adopt my family name...</a>:
[QUOTE]Hold up. All of my names (first, middle, last) are French. Most people can't pronounce my last name.
Posted by CvilleClaire[/QUOTE]

<div>Haha, my FI's last name is French and I have yet to hear anyone pronounce it right, so I'm preparing myself for that after we're married. I'm going to make my current last name into my middle name and call it good!</div>

Airie12 · December 2010

It all depends on how the guy is feeling. I know for a fact that my ex-fiance/boyfriend CHANGED his last name to HER last name. I find it odd considering he was so proud of his last name. I think he changed his last name cuz he was in financial trouble, in trouble with the law, etc. He wanted a fresh start and distance himself from who he used to be to who his new wife wants him to be. My vote would be for making up a new last name or using your maiden name as a middle name. My best friend is considering doing the maiden name as a middle name.

bdriley · December 2010

Which of you is more well known as your current name? My FI has published papers with his current name so having him change his last name to mine would make it hard for him to carry all the recognition he has from the past into future papers. Part of his reputation would be lost. If you are more well known in your field then that might be an argument in favor of him changing his name. If he's more well know then the argument is against him changing his name.

Maybe as a compromise you could agree to take his last name (shuffling your last to your middle) if he agrees to make your last name his middle name. I get the sense that since most women have taken men's last names in the past that men expect it to be an easy process. Maybe make him aware of all that the name change entails and insist that if you have to go through it then so does he.

OR you could always take his name under the condition that he gives you ultimate authority on naming your first kid.

vixey · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_want-him-adopt-family-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:b2b3dad3-e3f6-4b67-bdb4-b6208f63b200Post:df9e99a3-0552-49cf-8a32-bdd100ee1195">Re: I want him to adopt my family name...</a>:
[QUOTE]OP-I do see why you would want to keep a rare name. You know it's something off when someone can't pronouce it and it you'll be saved from getting yourself confused with another Patricia Jones. On the other hand-forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do is being quite controlling not to mention a great way for him to hold a grudge and throw in your face anytime he can. Give him your reasons why to keep/take your name and hear his. Maybe both can change. <strong>Maybe kid 1 and 3 gets your last name and kids 2 and 4 gets his. A name is a name</strong>.
Posted by SeptemberFall2011[/QUOTE]
Well that is completely ridiculous.

I think you should each keep your own last names. Later you can decide if you want your children to hyphenate their names or just give them all either your last name or FIs last name.

rociomatinal · December 2010

Thanks to everyone for your responses so far!

Well, the new name for both of us is legally not an option in Europe, and the hyphenated thing is difficult too. Only one of the partners may choose the hyphenated version and one of the names has to be chosen as family name for the children. So even if we each keep our names, we have to decide which name to give to our children (and it can not be hyphenated). Do I want my children to be named like my husband and have another name that doesn't identify me as their mother?

I am clearly not against taking his name, I even dreamt my whole life about identifying myself and my children with my husband by the name. It's just so stupid that the man I came across has this boring name... What if it was an embarrassing name? Wouldn't you try to convince him that your name is the better option?

rociomatinal · December 2010

Just to add: Middle names are (unfortunately) impossible here in Europe, as most of your US name options are...

megk8oz · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_want-him-adopt-family-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:b2b3dad3-e3f6-4b67-bdb4-b6208f63b200Post:b7a54632-f704-4009-aae6-572cff085f18">Re: I want him to adopt my family name...</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks to everyone for your responses so far! Well, the new name for both of us is legally not an option in Europe, and the hyphenated thing is difficult too. Only one of the partners may choose the hyphenated version and one of the names has to be chosen as family name for the children. So even if we each keep our names, we have to decide which name to give to our children (and it can not be hyphenated). Do I want my children to be named like my husband and have another name that doesn't identify me as their mother? I am clearly not against taking his name, I even dreamt my whole life about identifying myself and my children with my husband by the name. It's just so stupid that the man I came across has this boring name... <strong>What if it was an embarrassing name? Wouldn't you try to convince him that your name is the better option?
</strong>Posted by rociomatinal[/QUOTE]

I'd tell you the exact same thing I told you earlier: you get to pick your name, he gets to pick his. If you didn't want his "embarrassing" last name, fine, don't take it ... but if he didn't want to change it, he doesn't have to. It's one thing to present taking your name as "a possible option" to him, but to actually try twisting his arm on the matter is something you have no right to do. Just like badgering you to take his name is something he has no right to do.

If he really is not interested in taking your name, then you basically have to decide what's more important to you: having the same last name (Even if it's "boring") or keeping your "interesting" name and accept this means you won't have the same name. You're the only one that can decide where your own priorities are on this.

bablingbrooke · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_want-him-adopt-family-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:b2b3dad3-e3f6-4b67-bdb4-b6208f63b200Post:b7a54632-f704-4009-aae6-572cff085f18">Re: I want him to adopt my family name...</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks to everyone for your responses so far! Well, the new name for both of us is legally not an option in Europe, and the hyphenated thing is difficult too. Only one of the partners may choose the hyphenated version and one of the names has to be chosen as family name for the children. So even if we each keep our names, we have to decide which name to give to our children (and it can not be hyphenated). Do I want my children to be named like my husband and have another name that doesn't identify me as their mother? I am clearly not against taking his name, I even dreamt my whole life about identifying myself and my children with my husband by the name. It's just so stupid that the man I came across has this boring name... What if it was an embarrassing name? Wouldn't you try to convince him that your name is the better option?
Posted by rociomatinal[/QUOTE]
Lady, your priorities are really out of whack here. Either take the name or don't take it, but you're being so shallow I no longer want to help you. This is from the lady who took her DH's Arabic name that NO ONE in this country can spell or pronounce. It's fine. Life goes on. <div>
</div><div>Strong-arming your FI into changing the name he's held his whole life because you think it's stupid yet want to have the same name says a lot about your character, and it isn't pretty. You need to decide if the man is worth the name that comes with him. </div>

bdriley · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_want-him-adopt-family-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:b2b3dad3-e3f6-4b67-bdb4-b6208f63b200Post:c2142e61-83cd-4aca-8f8f-ada3a93c5ff1">Re: I want him to adopt my family name...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I want him to adopt my family name... : Lady, your priorities are really out of whack here. Either take the name or don't take it, but you're being so shallow I no longer want to help you. This is from the lady who took her DH's Arabic name that NO ONE in this country can spell or pronounce. It's fine. Life goes on. Strong-arming your FI into changing the name he's held his whole life because you think it's stupid yet want to have the same name says a lot about your character, and it isn't pretty. You need to decide if the man is worth the name that comes with him.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

You're being really harsh here Brooke and it's unhelpful. Choosing a name can be a difficult decision for some people even if it wasn't for you. He doesn't want her name and she doesn't want his but they BOTH want their kids to have the same last name as them. That's the issue. It's not so much about who has a boring name. It's what they're going to name their kids. How would you feel if you had kept your name and you husband insisted your kids have HIS last name? Would that be fair? No. Just like it wouldn't be fair for the mother to insist the kids have her last name. But its a hassle trying to prove parantage with different last names as your kids. If their goal is to decide which name to give their kids then asking for advice about name changes NOW is not out of line. The least helpful advice for this situation is to say no one can force anyone to change their name. That's obvious and need not be said.

OP, you indicated that where you live you both cannot change your names and changing a middle name isn't an option either. In this case, if it's important for you both to share a name with future kids then you need to create a list of benefits and detriments for taking each name. Who is more well known in business? Does one work for a company, like a government agency, that a social name change must occur when a legal name change does? Does one own a business named after themself? It would be pretty odd owning a business called Smith's Plumbing when the owner is now a Jones. Are either of you a single child? Carrying on a name might be more important to a single child than it would be for someone with 6 brothers all with the same last name. Consider these things and discuss them with your FI. He or you may be swayed by the answers.

I want him to adopt my family name...

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