Doesn't think we should get married....

sjedwards1129 · August 2010

I've been engaged for several months. I haven't asked wp yet, but I've always known who it be. About a month ago my mom was talking to a girl at the salon we go to and she was telling her that maybe me and fi need to slow down and reconsider things. we haven't gone there long enough for her to make those judgements, but I have a couple of friends who do and I found out they have been talking to her about it. I confronted one of them and she told me that yes she had expressed her concerns but only to her husband and one other friend. She said she did this b/c she felt we were never happy when she saw us together. Ironically, she is the one who set us up and has taken credit for it to whomever says anything about us (before and after engagement). Anyway the thing is we've been friends forever, I was MOH in her wedding and she has no serious reasons to have her doubts. Yes FI and I have our fights. Yes, when I talk to my friends I don't hold back details about anything (we've been friends forever, why should I?) And yes, I tend to exaggerate things esp. when I'm upset and this is a trait my friends are well aware of. I guess my biggest problem is the fact that my friend who has been talking about me has no room to talk b/c she hasn't had the most perfect relationship. When said friend got engaged I could have brought up the past and how her and her husband had a relationship that was farrrrrrr from perfect and thrown a red flag, but being a good friend I am happy for her b/c I know she's happy and their relationship has progressed. As much as I have tried to forgive and forget I just can't get past this betrayal--why could she just not come to me instead of running her mouth to EVERYONE else. I planned on asking my WP within the next month, but now I don't even know how I could possibly ask her to be a part. Am I being childish by not letting this go or is this issue relevant enough to keep her out of the WP? Why would I want someone in the WP if she has her doubts (even though now she says she can see how happy and perfect we are together when she hangs out with us)? Ughhh dilemmas and drama!

MairePoppy · August 2010

I hope you don't mind an honest reply. It seems like all of you just talk too much. The problem started with you discussing the private details of your and fi's relationship with your girlfriends. Then they talk to the girl at the salon. The girl at the salon repeats it to your mother.(If she is an employee, that was very unproffesional) Your mother repeats it to you. Yikes! If just one of you had kept your mouth shut, this wouldn't have happened, right? Okay, your mom gets a pass on this one because she was trying to protect you.

Only you can decide if it's worth forgiving your friend. If she is important to you, try to work it out with her. At least she was honest with you, when you confronted her. Since you are uncertain about who you want in your wedding party, you should just wait until 6-8 months before your wedding to ask. That will give you time to see where the friendships are going.

In the future, when you have problems with your fi, talk to him about them, not your friends. You've obviously discovered that those things can come back to haunt you at a later date.

I hope you are able to work it out with your friend. Good luck.

marinabreeze · August 2010

I agree with MairePoppy, you all do talk too much. That is how drama starts. But I think it starts with you. When you're in a relationship, save the important stuff (if FI abuses you, etc.), no one should be privy to your "couple" moments (fighting, intimacy, etc.) except you and your significant other. I get the idea of "venting" but that's what a therapist is for (yes a little more expensive but life is much more drama-free that way), and only you and your FI can solve whatever issues exist between the both of you. Friendships are better off with boundaries.

I can understand feeling betrayed by your friends, but at least your one friend told you the truth. Also, realistically, if they are hearing every little detail about your relationship, including the fights (or an exaggerated version of such, so they won't know the truth even if they are aware that you exaggerate), their impression will not be good. And friends (and family) tend to remember the negative about our significant others well after we have forgiven and forgotten. It's just not worth it.

It's hard for me to say whether you should keep the friendship or not. Not keeping your confidence is a good reason not to retain the friendship, but you may be able to forgive her, that's up to you. But in the future, keep your personal life with your FI between the two of you.

frogurt814 · August 2010

I also agree that you should not tell your friends every little detail of every fight you have. They are obviously going to get the wrong impression about your FI if you exaggerate your stories (even if they know you exaggerate.)

I don't really understand why your friend would be telling her hairstylist about you and your FI, though. That's really strange, and it would probably hurt my feelings too.

suz62984 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_doesnt-think-should-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:024353c3-f2f0-41c1-9867-1bb80a39e040Post:15ee8668-1cfe-4f14-b121-25ebc8d722d1">Re: Doesn't think we should get married....</a>:
[QUOTE]In the future, when you have problems with your fi, talk to him about them, not your friends. You've obviously discovered that those things can come back to haunt you at a later date. I hope you are able to work it out with your friend. Good luck.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

Everything you say can, and will, be used against you. This is a good life lesson. Everyone wants someone to talk to. If you are in a fight with FI you may feel like you can't talk to him about it; however keep in mind that anything you say in a vent to your friends can come back to bite you in the butt. It sucks that you have to censor yourself with your friends but that is what you will have to do. Everyone talks and gossips; at least you realize this now. Remember they only get your side of the story, when you are fighting. They can only go on what you say and if they constantly hear negative things they have a right to be worried. You've said your peace. Wait to see if things get better and then ask all of the wedding party.

mkrupar · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_doesnt-think-should-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:024353c3-f2f0-41c1-9867-1bb80a39e040Post:2b7eed79-4de3-4be9-96bf-cce24d167390">Doesn't think we should get married....</a>:
[QUOTE]I've been engaged for several months. I haven't asked wp yet, but I've always known who it be. About a month ago my mom was talking to a girl at the salon we go to and she was telling her that maybe me and fi need to slow down and reconsider things. we haven't gone there long enough for her to make those judgements, but I have a couple of friends who do and I found out they have been talking to her about it. I confronted one of them and she told me that yes she had expressed her concerns but only to her husband and one other friend. She said she did this b/c she felt we were never happy when she saw us together. Ironically, she is the one who set us up and has taken credit for it to whomever says anything about us (before and after engagement). Anyway the thing is we've been friends forever, I was MOH in her wedding and she has no serious reasons to have her doubts. Yes FI and I have our fights. Yes, when I talk to my friends I don't hold back details about anything (we've been friends forever, why should I?) And yes, I tend to exaggerate things esp. when I'm upset and this is a trait my friends are well aware of. I guess my biggest problem is the fact that my friend who has been talking about me has no room to talk b/c she hasn't had the most perfect relationship. When said friend got engaged I could have brought up the past and how her and her husband had a relationship that was farrrrrrr from perfect and thrown a red flag, but being a good friend I am happy for her b/c I know she's happy and their relationship has progressed. As much as I have tried to forgive and forget I just can't get past this betrayal--why could she just not come to me instead of running her mouth to EVERYONE else. I planned on asking my WP within the next month, but now I don't even know how I could possibly ask her to be a part. Am I being childish by not letting this go or is this issue relevant enough to keep her out of the WP? Why would I want someone in the WP if she has her doubts (even though now she says she can see how happy and perfect we are together when she hangs out with us)? Ughhh dilemmas and drama!
Posted by sjedwards1129[/QUOTE]

Her relationship problems have no bearing on this issue. You're the one that has complained to friends (over-exagerrated) about FI, and they said something about it. Granted it wasn't to your face, but what do you expect. You made the decision to not "raise the red flag", but that was your choice. They did raise the red-flag, so now, how are you going to deal with it?

If all they're hearing are the negatives, they aren't going to believe there could be any positives. Personally it sounds to me like you like the attention given when you complain, and over-exaggerate because you want even more attention.

As PP said keep the nitty gritty of your relationship between you and your fiance and no one will have the chance to say they don't think you two should be together.

emilyinchile · August 2010

If you tell your friends exaggerated details of your fights with FI, it's understandable that they're going to question your relationship unless you then tell them a) that you were exaggerating in the heat of the moment and b) explain how you've worked through the problems and are now better than ever. And even then they might stick with the image that your FI's an ass. Yes, you can talk to your friends, but part of marriage means that you and FI are a team before all else. Your relationship has things that are private to the two of you. This is a good lesson to have learned now.

Talk to your friend and set her straight on the reality of your reationship with FI, and then get over this.

heyimbren · August 2010

PP gave you good advice.

Honestly, I'm all for venting but sometimes I think it gets out of control. When you're mad at FI, you really should be talking to him about it and not complaining to your friend and exaggerate all the nasty things he does. You're not solving anything by doing this.

I hope you can take a bit of constructive criticism, because if that's how you feel after fighting I think you need to learn to take a step back from the situation at the time. Yes, you can feel mad. But pause first. Think it through. Do you really want to have a big fight with FI? Wouldn't it be better to talk things through with him first instead of going to your friend and exaggerating all the negative things?

That's where the problem starts. How you deal with disagreements with your FI. I agree with you, your friend really shouldn't have been going on about it to the stylist at the salon, and the stylist had no business to say anything to your mother. I'd be upset about that too.

I agree that friends need to be happy for each other. But I also think they need to be honest with each other as well. If your friend saw such a huge red flag in your relationship, I do think it may have been better for her to politely and gently mention it to you. Not in a "you shouldn't marry him! look at this!" way but in a way that might help guide you to help you work through it. I don't see anything wrong with that.

alyzzle11 · August 2010

SJEdwards, you have a PM.

loop0406 · August 2010

Maybe you don't want to see if your friend has a point. It's hard to think maybe the person you're with isn't right for you, isn't truly making you happy and it gets harder to see all this when you have a ring on your finger.

If you don't want her to be in your WP, don't ask her. I would personally stick to a small WP or just 1 MOH. I learned along the way too that you shouldn't tell your friends everything, I save my private details for my mom and fiance. When you're mad and bad mouth your fiance, your friends will instantly hate on him and hate him. So learn to keep things to yourself

As for this issue, let it go (as far as not bringing it up anymore) but keep your mouth closed from now on around her especially. Just because you were her MOH doesnt mean she has to be your MOH. It's not cool to have a friend gossiping about your issues around town.

Istremene · August 2010

I agree with MairePoppy, too.

CA2MT4EveR · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_doesnt-think-should-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:024353c3-f2f0-41c1-9867-1bb80a39e040Post:19fc639f-01a6-4d82-8bed-47c6fe884dbd">Re: Doesn't think we should get married....</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with MairePoppy, you all do talk too much. That is how drama starts. But I think it starts with you. When you're in a relationship, save the important stuff (if FI abuses you, etc.), no one should be privy to your "couple" moments (fighting, intimacy, etc.) except you and your significant other. I get the idea of "venting" but that's what a therapist is for (yes a little more expensive but life is much more drama-free that way), and only you and your FI can solve whatever issues exist between the both of you. Friendships are better off with boundaries. I can understand feeling betrayed by your friends, but at least your one friend told you the truth. Also, realistically, if they are hearing every little detail about your relationship, including the fights (or an exaggerated version of such, so they won't know the truth even if they are aware that you exaggerate), their impression will not be good. And friends (and family) tend to remember the negative about our significant others well after we have forgiven and forgotten. It's just not worth it. It's hard for me to say whether you should keep the friendship or not. Not keeping your confidence is a good reason not to retain the friendship, but you may be able to forgive her, that's up to you. But in the future, keep your personal life with your FI between the two of you.
Posted by marinabreeze[/QUOTE]

Ok, I could be totally misreading this because I have a bad headache today and my mind is just not working, but are you telling her NOT to tell anyone if he is abusing her?!

aerinpegadrak · August 2010

No, I think she's saying that stuff like that should be the exception. If it's just a fight, keep it private, if it becomes abuse, tell someone.

If you can't afford a therapist, try a blog or a diary. Sometimes it can really help to just write everything up and get it out, and you can make it private so no one can read it but you.

emilyinchile · August 2010

No, she says stuff should be private "save the important stuff" ie. except for the important stuff.

megk8oz · August 2010

I'm going to ditto the PPs here, you really shot yourself in the foot here by running your mouth and over-exaggerating.

I have a very good friend who has been dating somebody for a while now. I love her and I want her to be happy. A while back, she went through a period where they were fighting a lot and she constantly talked about it to everybody (And he was apparently doing the same with his friends). During this time, if I was hanging out with both of them, 9 times out of 10 they'd get into a fight right in front of me. Needless to say, I was starting to think that maybe them dating wasn't such a good idea, and a lot of our mutual friends felt the same way (And yes, we talked about it quite a bit when they weren't around, because it was incredibly hard to ignore)

Eventually, it got to a point where I felt the need to out right say to her. I didn't think the 2 of them should be together, because it seemed so toxic. Well, of course she got all mad at me, how dare I say such things ... but the truth was, I wasn't seeing anygood in their relationship because they put their arguments on display for the whole world to see. After I talked to her, it came out that several other friends made mention of the same thing to her. It upset her that everybody thought she and this guy weren't good together, but seriously, if people only see the bad, what are they supposed to think?

I'm not saying you're not allowed to vent every once in a while to your friends. But if you're telling them about every single fight in (by your own admission) exaggerated detail, people are bound to think something's not right, whether or not it's the truth.

If you don't want to ask her to be in your WP, that's entirely up to you. Just remember, once you ask, there are "no backsies", so you're stuck with her if you do.

sjedwards1129 · August 2010

Thanks for the feedback. Some of it seemed to make sense. Just to clear up some confusion: I dont just share the negative..I share it all. I've been friends with this girl forever; I have every right to and she does the same with me. I guess my main point was I would never not support someone who's supposed to be a "best friend" and I didn't understand why she could choose to take that route with me.

Anyway thanks again for all the feedback yall.

Belle2Be · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_doesnt-think-should-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:024353c3-f2f0-41c1-9867-1bb80a39e040Post:131ebd74-02d6-434a-85e2-f1b1fb23e174">Re: Doesn't think we should get married....</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the feedback. Some of it seemed to make sense. Just to clear up some confusion: I dont just share the negative..I share it all. I've been friends with this girl forever; I have every right to and she does the same with me. I guess my main point was I would never not support someone who's supposed to be a "best friend" and I didn't understand why she could choose to take that route with me. Anyway thanks again for all the feedback yall.
Posted by sjedwards1129[/QUOTE]
So if her BF beat her you'd still support her? Blanket statements suck :) Maybe you need to have a serious heart to heart, maybe she's just afraid of losing her best friend to marriage.

marinabreeze · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_doesnt-think-should-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:024353c3-f2f0-41c1-9867-1bb80a39e040Post:c5326434-6040-4430-b807-6667c4dbf7b4">Re: Doesn't think we should get married....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Doesn't think we should get married.... : Ok, I could be totally misreading this because I have a bad headache today and my mind is just not working, but are you telling her NOT to tell anyone if he is abusing her?!
Posted by CA2MT4EveR[/QUOTE]

No, the other way around. If he was abusing her, she SHOULD tell, but otherwise, I think that in general, "couple issues" should be private (like arguments or sex) and not shared with other people. I'm sorry, I should've been more clear...

marinabreeze · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_doesnt-think-should-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:024353c3-f2f0-41c1-9867-1bb80a39e040Post:131ebd74-02d6-434a-85e2-f1b1fb23e174">Re: Doesn't think we should get married....</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the feedback. Some of it seemed to make sense. Just to clear up some confusion: I dont just share the negative..I share it all. I've been friends with this girl forever; I have every right to and she does the same with me. I guess my main point was I would never not support someone who's supposed to be a "best friend" and I didn't understand why she could choose to take that route with me. Anyway thanks again for all the feedback yall.
Posted by sjedwards1129[/QUOTE]

But even if you share it all, what will stick the most with your friends and family will be the negative. I have experienced in past relationships to where I've shared both good and bad with friends and family, but they remember the negative long after I've forgiven and forgotten what my SO did. So that's why in my current relationship with my FI, I don't share those details...I work it out with FI, and there's less drama because of it.

kmabjo · August 2010

There is no need to share all the details of your relationship with your friends. They do not need to know everything. Be an adult and keep important issues between you and your FI.

mattycam · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_doesnt-think-should-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:024353c3-f2f0-41c1-9867-1bb80a39e040Post:ce4c8db9-84ff-49ea-9f4a-834e252b064a">Re: Doesn't think we should get married....</a>:
[QUOTE]There is no need to share all the details of your relationship with your friends. They do not need to know everything. Be an adult and keep important issues between you and your FI.
Posted by kmabjo[/QUOTE]

If you need to include a third party, I would recommend for you guys to seek counselling :)

bablingbrooke · August 2010

If your BFFs think you shouldn't marry your FI, you should listen. I know I wouldn't say that to someone close to me unless I had a very good reason. If my friend told me every detail of every fight, and only told me about the fights, and told me about them often, I would probably worry about her, too.

It's not unheard of for someone to be so caught up in the idea of "I'm finally getting married!" and "I get to be a bride!" and "I'm planning the wedding of my dreams!" and either not notice or not realize that the relationship itself isn't very good. Why do you think so many marriages fail? Many people who shouldn't be marrying each other are getting married and those marriages don't last. Am I saying this is what's happening to you? Of course not. I'm just saying it's something to consider if people are telling you to your face that you shouldn't marry someone.

I also think that you do need to exercise some discretion in what you tell your friends. My DH and I have fights--we're human. But I don't immediately jump on the phone and rehash it all to my friends. IMHO that's a violation of your privacy and his and immature. I work it out with DH. Now of course I will say to my friends, "Ugh, DH drives me crazy sometimes," and share the story of why. But more often I will say, "DH did the sweetest thing," or "DH and I saw a great movie last week," or something to that effect. In short, they hear about the negative very little, in part because there is very little negative. Every tiff doens't need to be broadcast on your FB or to your friends. If you are fighting so often that you have nothing to talk about except the fights, that's a problem.

ETA: I also don't think DH and I have ever had a fight that made me feel like I needed to talk to someone else about it. And I'm very much a share-your-feelings kind of gal. So I do wonder about the intensity of your fights, or if you think it's normal to share such intimate details. I'm hoping it's the latter, because if it is the former, I have to think your friend has a point.

Just because you're friends doesn't mean that your'e supposed to get unconditional support from her in your life decisions. Sometimes being a good friend means telling her, "I think you're making a big mistake." To just blindly support isn't helping her at all.

Doesn't think we should get married....

Re: Doesn't think we should get married....

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