Bridesmaid Can't Commit? What to do?

Brie2010 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-cant-commit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:19777410-d897-4726-9f51-ec248dd1b8b0Post:1822ce2b-4eed-45c8-9fdd-5e4ba6e53da6">Re: Bridesmaid Can't Commit? What to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ouch, well my friend isn't really in med school, I just have no other way to describe her career demands without a billion word long explanation. Plus, some of the things she deems priorities are not actually essential to her chosen profession. Is it that rude to ask that my bridesmaid be more willing to make my wedding a committment--I haven't asked her to spend money or throw a shower like I did for her, all I want is that my bridesmaids make a reasonable effort to show up. This friend of mine is flaky and frankly, there is a huge reason she won't show up due to poor planning and weird priorities--not "med school" as I mistakenly used as my example. I appreciate the insight from everyone I just find it super hard to believe there's not a soul who thinks it's OK for me to expect her to commit to make a reasonable effort to attend or let me off the hook by saying it's OK for me to ask one of the other people I passed over for her? Rather than her insist I use her, and then have her skip it because she "ends up being busy that weekend"?
Posted by bunkerkc[/QUOTE]

Obviously, her career is her main priority over your wedding, as it probably should be. Mandatory or not, it's her choice. NOT yours.

Here's the thing--you've pretty much already asked her to be a bridesmaid by asking her about her schedule and presumably about being in the WP. You can either stick to that, or say "I'm kicking you out." YOU will look like the jerk in this, and it may end your friendship. You shouldn't have asked her if you knew she might flake out on you, if that's been a pattern in your relationship.

laurenclaire1386 · January 2010

If you want to ask someone else to be a BM, then for the love of God, ask someone else. And if both of them show up, great! Get over the even sides thing. It's becoming more and more clear that this is what this is about.

JK10910 · January 2010

Lala, that's been happening a lot. I assure you I am only me.

OP, here's the thing. Unless you have the exact same career and are in the same circumstances, it's not really your place to deem what's necessary and what's not.

Also, backpeddling isn't appreciated here.

And, for the record, if you had come here and said "My friend is a total flake and doesn't know if she wants to come to my wedding or not, but I want her to be a BM, what do I do?" you likely would have gotten different answers.

laladypoet · January 2010

*I* think it's okay to want your bridesmaid to commit to your wedding. hell, we all wanted to know that our bridal party would be there on our wedding day. cause they're important to us and we love them.

what is she maybe going out of the country for? is there a set time on when she has to go?

SarahnVinny · January 2010

It was about my friends son who treats animals horribly and not trusting or allowing him around my dogs because of his actions (picking them up by their necks).

Edit Sascha has the same breed of dogs as I do, which is where the quote came from.

laladypoet · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-cant-commit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:19777410-d897-4726-9f51-ec248dd1b8b0Post:6f8bf49f-1449-4dae-930b-6a56a64e4cb3">Re: Bridesmaid Can't Commit? What to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]It was about my friends son who treats animals horribly and not trusting or allowing him around my dogs because of his actions (picking them up by their necks).
Posted by SarahnVinny[/QUOTE]

what a fuckface. I hope that kid dies.

ac_in_dc · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-cant-commit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:19777410-d897-4726-9f51-ec248dd1b8b0Post:1822ce2b-4eed-45c8-9fdd-5e4ba6e53da6">Re: Bridesmaid Can't Commit? What to do?</a>:
[QUOTE] I appreciate the insight from everyone I just find it super hard to believe there's not a soul who thinks it's OK for me to expect her to commit to make a reasonable effort to attend or let me off the hook by saying it's OK for me to ask one of the other people I passed over for her? Rather than her insist I use her, and then have her skip it because she "ends up being busy that weekend"?
Posted by bunkerkc[/QUOTE]

Well, you can drop her and ask someone else, but if your wedding's not 'til next summer there's really no reason to. Get your date lined up, figure out the BM dresses. If she can't commit before a reasonable ordering deadline for the dresses (4-6 months from the wedding) then go ahead and ask her to step down.

If you'd really like one of the people you passed over to be a BM, I'd go ahead and ask. One more isn't going to make a difference.

JK10910 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-cant-commit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:19777410-d897-4726-9f51-ec248dd1b8b0Post:ec6464b1-5d78-4e9d-9686-c80426dd7800">Re: Bridesmaid Can't Commit? What to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]*I* think it's okay to want your bridesmaid to commit to your wedding. hell, we all wanted to know that our bridal party would be there on our wedding day. cause they're important to us and we love them. what is she maybe going out of the country for? is there a set time on when she has to go?
Posted by laladypoet[/QUOTE]

As usual, I completely agree with the lovely Lala here. But I also think it's two different things to want your BMs to commit, and to be angry because she's making HER life a priority (which is the way you originally worded it). Sometimes, people just can't make a commitment right away. You're well within your rights to be upset about it, regardless of the circumstances, but there's not much you can do but go with it.

SarahnVinny · January 2010

Ha, Lala. I just drooled my drink all over from laughing, thanks for that.

Fuckface yes, hope he dies... ehh.

SarahnVinny · January 2010

Op, you are asking her to be part of your wedding. She is not asking to be in it. I can understand wanting her to be there but can not expect her to re-prioritize just for you. She did agree to be in it so she should make every effort to be there. she has already told you there is a chance she cant make it and you still asked her. What more do you want?

bunkerkc · January 2010

I guess that's what I'm really upset about. Even numbers or no, at this point, I really am just irritated that the only choices she sees are "I will be a bridesmaid and will show up if it's convenient for me," or, "I will be a bridesmaid but I won't show up." To me, after a year of everything being all about her and her wedding, everything is still about her. I do think her life must be her priority, but she seems to care very little about my priorities. She seems unwilling to consider just not being a bridesmaid at all. I assumed when asking her that she would graciously decline if she couldn't come--I guess I thought that's what people did.

I personally would never commit to being a bridesmaid if I knew that so many things in my schedule would keep me from coming and I would have no way of committing in advance...but maybe that's just me...

MyNameIsNot · January 2010

I feel like a broken record here. If you want someone else, ask them.

It's ok to have uneven sides. It's not ok to only ask the 6th girl if she's going to be a replacement for this girl.

I don't get your problem. If it were a couple of weeks out, sure wanting the commitment would be ok. But it really sounds like you just want the commitment so that you can ensure even sides. Your priorities are out of wack.

laladypoet · January 2010

well, I like animals more than people, and WAAAAYYYY more than children. so don't listen to me. but if some kid killed my dog? that kid would disappear. I shiit you not.

JK, I agree that it's two different things. and really, how can a person commit on being in a wedding when the DATE isn't even set yet? I just read that part. I skimmed before.

Brie2010 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-cant-commit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:19777410-d897-4726-9f51-ec248dd1b8b0Post:04db40c7-6222-442d-b1b6-a08595f2c7cd">Re: Bridesmaid Can't Commit? What to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess that's what I'm really upset about. Even numbers or no, at this point, I really am just irritated that the only choices she sees are "I will be a bridesmaid and will show up if it's convenient for me," or, "I will be a bridesmaid but I won't show up." To me, after a year of everything being all about her and her wedding, everything is still about her. I do think her life must be her priority, but she seems to care very little about my priorities. She seems unwilling to consider just not being a bridesmaid at all. I assumed when asking her that she would graciously decline if she couldn't come--I guess I thought that's what people did. I personally would never commit to being a bridesmaid if I knew that so many things in my schedule would keep me from coming and I would have no way of committing in advance...but maybe that's just me...
Posted by bunkerkc[/QUOTE]

But it's not a convenience issue. It's a priority issue. Her career may benefit from attending something that happens to be the day of your wedding. She's telling you that that will take precedence over your wedding.

You are different people. You shouldn't have assumed anything, ESPECIALLY if you know her to be flaky and prioritize her career, but now you've asked her, and you have to deal with it.

laladypoet · January 2010

oh, and I hate to say this, but maybe she doesn't want to be in the wedding and is looking for a way out? being a bridesmaid sucks. it costs money, and you have to wear an uncomfortable dress, and you have to help with wedding crap. so maybe she's just not that into it.

SarahnVinny · January 2010

I personally would never commit to being a bridesmaid if I knew that so many things in my schedule would keep me from coming and I would have no way of committing in advance...but maybe that's just me...

But she did tell you in advance. Clearly, you agreed to her stipulations if she is still a bridesmaid.

sarah0725 · January 2010

I'll just throw in here that I'm a grad student getting my Ph.D., planning on taking the second half of my comps in May, spending several weeks of the summer on the road sleeping in a tent to start my dissertation research, maintaining my long distance relationship with my FI who lives half a continent away, possibly going to Italy for five weeks if I get a fellowship I'm applying for, and yet I am going to two weddings of close friends, and even being a bridesmaid in one of them.

OP, I sympathize with you. I'm sorry that your friend is a flake and can't give you a straight answer about things. I have a friend who is like that (actually I'm a bridesmaid in her wedding this summer) and she can be kind of a butt. But I kind of agree with the other ladies here in that I think you should let go and just let her do whatever dumb thing she's going to do. Ask six girls. Have uneven sides. Enjoy spending your day with the people who love you, no matter what your flaky friend does.

And go have a hot bath and some wine. You could use it.

aMrsin09 · January 2010

Is anybody else curious as to what this friends career path is?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · January 2010

It's just not up to you to decide what is a priority in HER life. End of story.

If she decides that going on vacation is more important than your wedding or that hell, going to WalMart is more important that you wedding, seh can do that. Then YOU get to decide how you react. Maybe you'll decide the friendship isn't as important as you thought.

ExpatPumpkin · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-cant-commit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:19777410-d897-4726-9f51-ec248dd1b8b0Post:04db40c7-6222-442d-b1b6-a08595f2c7cd">Re: Bridesmaid Can't Commit? What to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess that's what I'm really upset about. Even numbers or no, at this point, I really am just irritated that the only choices she sees are "I will be a bridesmaid and will show up if it's convenient for me," or, "I will be a bridesmaid but I won't show up." To me, after a year of everything being all about her and her wedding, everything is still about her. I do think her life must be her priority, but she seems to care very little about my priorities. She seems unwilling to consider just not being a bridesmaid at all. I assumed when asking her that she would graciously decline if she couldn't come--I guess I thought that's what people did. I personally would never commit to being a bridesmaid if I knew that so many things in my schedule would keep me from coming and I would have no way of committing in advance...but maybe that's just me...
Posted by bunkerkc[/QUOTE]

There's nothing you can do to change her. Nothing. Yes, it's terribly disappointing to dedicate so much time and concern to someone else wedding and then not have her reciprocate... But there's nothing you can do to make her care more.

So, ask this other person to be a BM. And ask her to be a BM. On your wedding day, you'll have 5 or 6 BMs. And your husband-to-be will have 5 groomsmen. NOT A BIG DEAL.

Now, if you REALLY think that she's SUCH A FLAKE that she'll blow off your wedding because she has to wash her hair that weekend, then you should probably reassess your friendship.

SarahnVinny · January 2010

I'll just throw in here that I'm a grad student getting my Ph.D., planning on taking the second half of my comps in May, spending several weeks of the summer on the road sleeping in a tent to start my dissertation research, maintaining my long distance relationship with my FI who lives half a continent away, possibly going to Italy for five weeks if I get a fellowship I'm applying for, and yet I am going to two weddings of close friends, and even being a bridesmaid in one of them.

Wow, goodluck!

tenofcups4me · January 2010

That's quite a change in your story. From she's in med school and might have to be studying for exams to she's a flake who just can't commit. Which is it?

You either wrote your question completely wrong, omitting and changing key information... or, um, you don't like the answers so you've changed the story...or more likely at this point you're just fukcing with us. My vote's for the last option.

ring_pop · January 2010

Look, at this point, all you're doing is asking a bunch of strangers for permission to be mad at your friend. Does it matter?

Your friend has laid it all out for you. Regardless of what we think, you have two choices now: (1) accept it, and go with the flow, or (2) continue to stew about it and feel sorry for yourself.

I'd personally choose (1), but whatev... if you prefer to live in misery, then go ahead and stew.

OK, I suppose there's always the 3rd option of going completely apeshit bridezilla and dumping your friend.

You choose.

lauralaur · January 2010

Ask your other friend to be a bridesmaid as well. No one is saying you need to pass the other friend up.

Also, you don't have a date set in stone. It's hard to commit to a time of year. If you asked me to hang out on Saturday, then I would set Saturday aside. If you asked me to hang out next week, I'd keep you in mind but I'd go about my daily business making other plans until one of us called the other and set a day and time. Maybe once you pick the date she'll have a better idea if she can come. Now, if you set a date and told her and she said "Yeah I'll be there!" and then decided she'd rather go, say, shopping that weekend, I'd be peeved. And, then I would reevaluate the friendship, but not for studying for exams or internships.

I was in a friend's wedding on a Saturday with three mid-terms the following Monday. And I did it! But I seriously thought I was going to die. And that was just undergrad.

september's bride · January 2010

If you're so annoyed that she's making her life her priority, why not try doing that for yourself as well? You seem to be so stressed out over her choices that you're neglecting to make choices that would make your life easier in the long run. Do what you need to do to keep your sanity, and if that means asking someone else to be a bridesmaid and possibly ending up with uneven sides, then just do it. Pick your battles. It's just a wedding.

hanron007 · January 2010

I just got married two weeks ago and I am sooooo happy and want to share a picture!

raise your hand if the thing you noticed first is that the sides are uneven

Cindy 55 · January 2010

I can not believe all of these responses. If the bride gave up pay, work and time to commit to being in one of her very good friend's wedding why should she not expect the same from someone who she is close enough to that it is important to her for her friend to be there. I would guess that the BM's field of study is truly not medicine but an attempt to disguise. If I gave all of myself to be a true friend and making every attempt to make sure I was where I committed to be, I would be very hurt by my so called friend saying she might have to work "late" that weekend. Where are your loyalties? I am truly shocked at all of the negative responses. It is any honor to be included in a wedding party of a true friend and you do not let friends down because of tests. You plan ahead and are upfront with the bride and what the BM's life commitmets are.

MyNameIsNot · January 2010

Cindy, did you really just say that a friend should blow of tests for a wedding?

Being your friend must be hard work.

kate51485 · January 2010

Huh. Thanks for that, Cindy. Welcome to E.

september's bride · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-cant-commit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:19777410-d897-4726-9f51-ec248dd1b8b0Post:da33e37b-0f3c-4bee-8a46-7bf7ac6b51d1">Re: Bridesmaid Can't Commit? What to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]I can not believe all of these responses. If the bride gave up pay, work and time to commit to being in one of her very good friend's wedding why should she not expect the same from someone who she is close enough to that it is important to her for her friend to be there. I would guess that the BM's field of study is truly not medicine but an attempt to disguise. If I gave all of myself to be a true friend and making every attempt to make sure I was where I committed to be, I would be very hurt by my so called friend saying she might have to work "late" that weekend. Where are your loyalties? I am truly shocked at all of the negative responses. It is any honor to be included in a wedding party of a true friend and you do not let friends down because of tests. You plan ahead and are upfront with the bride and what the BM's life commitmets are.
Posted by Cindy 55[/QUOTE]

Are you kidding?? This is reality, and in reality, people have lives and priorities that come before weddings and there are often times when we're disappointed when things don't go as planned. Of course I understand the OP's disappointment, but she's not helpless to help her case either and can easily remedy the situation while her friend does what she can to figure things out.

Saying that you don't let friends down because of tests is an asinine statement. I have absolutely balked at major life events for other people because I've had academic responsibilities. I would have been booted from my grad program with a grade of less than a B, and I'm sorry, my future will not be jeopardized for someone else's special day. MY major life events (such as graduating from my program) are important too, and my friends all understand the sacrifices I've made to get to where I am. They would never expect me to risk all the hard work I've done this far, and I wouldn't expect that of them either. In fact, I had a BM back out on me for a reason very similar to this. Her lifelong happiness and satisfaction in a career is much more important to me than her wearing a pretty dress and standing next to me for one day. Get real.

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