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GJones27
member
Adjusting to living together
My FI and I have never lived together, and we'll only be going that after we get married in 3.5 months. I know studies have said that couples are less likely to get divorced if they DON'T live together before marriage, but I'm wondering how difficult it is to adjust. So for those of you married ladies, how was it adjusting? What type of things did you fight about? How did you get past them? I know the first year will be a bit stressful, and I'll be going through my first year of law school on top of it so I'm curious to know what it will be like. Thanks!
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Re: Adjusting to living together
[QUOTE]Thanks for your thoughts! I always hear it's difficult, but no one has ever given details. So your specific examples and advice help. Btw, I didn't know you went to law school, and in Boston? I'm actually planning on going to law school this fall in Boston (thinking about Boston College).
Posted by GJones27[/QUOTE]
<div>Yes, I'm a 1L at Suffolk Law. I went to BU for undergrad. When I applied to law school, I applied to 18 schools. I got into 16 of them.</div><div>
</div><div>My advice? Unless you want to practice corporate law or some form of law that nearly guarantees you'll be making six figures when you graduate, go wherever you can get the most money. In this economy, law jobs are REALLY hard to find and the last thing you want to do is take out $200,000 in debt, only to then not find a job (and then when you do find a job, you're only making $60,000 or less anyway.) I got into BC law, Vanderbilt law, and some other well ranked schools, but I went to Suffolk because I got a full-tuition merit scholarship. Suffolk is well respected in New England and has an amazing Public Interest program. If you're interested in public interest law, I strongly suggest you look into it. </div>
it was a HUGE adjustment for me. but we were also older (32 and 34). we'd each had 10 years+ of livng on our own (withouth even roommates).
ill be honest. i cried nearly every night for a month. it was HARD! i think what compounded things is that i moved o H's hometown. things were all familiar to him, everything was foreign to me. its also a very small town. while i grew up in a small town, i left for city life and i loved city living. to "regress" back to small town living was very hard for me.
things are fine now, but little things bother me. i think that's normal though.
Calypso, I agree. If you reread my post, I said that living together before marriage makes it more likely to get divorced. I just rephrased it saying, not living together before marriage makes it less likely to get divorced. But I'm sorry to hear it was so hard at first.
I don't know what it will be like living with my future hubby, as I have lived by myself for seven years, even thoughout college. It will be a big learning experience!
Loves2shop4shoes, I didn't realize you went to Suffolk. I actually got in there, but I got no scholly. In fact, I've been getting very little scholarship money from anyone, so I don't have much of a choice. But BC has a nice public interest scholarship, and I'm hoping I'll get that.
For us, the most difficult part of learning to live together was overcoming our upbringings. I came from a very non-traditional family. Mom was the bread winner, dad alternated between staying home and working, and he did a lot of the housework. Both did dishes, both cooked, both did outside chores, etc. My dad did all the vacuuming. So I learned from a young age that both spouses are equal.
H came from a very traditional family. Dad worked, mom took care of the kids and did all the housework - cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. To my knowledge his dad has never cooked a meal, done dishes or folded a load of laundry. As I've heard him say many times, "that's what kids are for."
So you can imagine that we had our fair share of battles going into it. In theory, H was on board with sharing all the duties of the house, but in practice it didn't happen. I remember 6 months after we were married. I was getting ready for school (I was in grad school full time) and he woke up and said, "I don't have any clean underwear." I was under the impression that he had done his own laundry when he lived with his parents, and that he'd do it in our house when needed, so I just said, "ok." He asked if I was going to do it for him and I said, "I have to go to school. You know where the laundry room is."
Oh yes, it's been a battle. It finally came to a head in year 6. I was working full time, a first in our marriage, and working two jobs. He found me bawling on the bed folding socks. I just wasn't getting the support and help that i needed from him. I told him he had two options - I could quit my job, we could sell our house and move into something cheaper, and i could just be a stay at home wife (which he knew would not fulfill me), or he could man up and help me out because I just couldn't do it anymore. He's been so much better since then of doing his share around the house, but it took a long time for us to get to that point.
The other, sillier, part of learning to live together was getting used to each other's odd quirks. I leave my clothes on the floor when I get in the shower and forget to pick them up, he leaves cupboard doors open, things like that.
[QUOTE] Loves2shop4shoes, I didn't realize you went to Suffolk. I actually got in there, but I got no scholly. In fact, I've been getting very little scholarship money from anyone, so I don't have much of a choice. But BC has a nice public interest scholarship, and I'm hoping I'll get that.
Posted by GJones27[/QUOTE]
That's bizarre that you got into BC but got no scholly from Suffolk. Generally, if you have the credentials to get into BC, you should get some form of scholly from Suffolk. I would call and ask financial aid if you have any chance of getting a scholly. I didn't hear about my scholly from Suffolk until March, when I was 95% sure I was going elsewhere. The scholly information didn't come in my acceptance packet, so I was like "Suffolk admitted me with no money, that's funny." It was only when I got the email from the dean saying "Congratulations! You received a full tuition merit scholarship" that I was like...ok, looks like I'm going to Suffolk.
But before you definitively decide to go elsewhere and take on that debt, call Suffolk Financial Aid and ask as tactfully as possible if you're being considered for a scholly.
[QUOTE]My FI and I have never lived together, and we'll only be going that after we get married in 3.5 months. I know studies have said that couples are less likely to get divorced if they DON'T live together before marriage, but I'm wondering how difficult it is to adjust. So for those of you married ladies, how was it adjusting? What type of things did you fight about? How did you get past them? I know the first year will be a bit stressful, and I'll be going through my first year of law school on top of it so I'm curious to know what it will be like. Thanks!
Posted by GJones27[/QUOTE]
Open communication is the key to everything. We did not live together prior to marriage, but had a pretty smooth transition to living together.
It will be different and you'll have to adjust. But just talk about how you're feeling and how it's going. As long as you're discussing things (who's going to do the laundry, cook, dishes, cleaning, etc.) it will make everything easier.
You have to get used to their habits and quirks. Like DH leaves his dirty socks on the floor by the bed, forgets to turn the heat down and lock the door at night, and hates throwing away old leftovers...all of these things have made me frustrated in the past. But along with those things, he also cooks dinner for us often, buys groceries, and does dishes. Sometimes, sharing space with someone else constantly can get frustrating also (especially if like me you value quiet alone time on occasion), but learn ways to give each other space when it's needed and you won't get sick of each other's company.
There will be times when you are annoyed at something stupid he does or he gets unreasonably mad for something you did (at least to you it will seem unreasonable) but once you get adjusted a lot of little things will just fall into place and won't seem so foreign anymore. There are so many great things about living with your SO too, so don't let yourself get too scared, just be prepared for a slightly rocky road for a bit until things settle down. It's a big learning experience and will make you even closer to him than ever before! Good luck!
H came from a very traditional family. Dad worked, mom took care of the kids and did all the housework - cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. To my knowledge his dad has never cooked a meal, done dishes or folded a load of laundry. As I've heard him say many times, "that's what kids are for."
oh, yes! this was us too, but my H is somewhat more evolved than his dad. we share all chores.
[QUOTE]oh, yes! this was us too, but my H is somewhat more evolved than his dad. we share all chores.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]
We do too, now ;-) It took a while for us to hit that groove though.
I cook, H scrapes/rinses dinner dishes and puts them in the dishwasher. I load everything else into the dishwasher. H unloads it. He cleans the bathrooms and sweeps the floors, I do the showers. I do the laundry, but he puts away his own. I know other couples have found it easier just to share everything, but for us having things we're each responsible for works best.
FMIL bought us this book for Christmas. I forget what it's called, but it's helped a bit. It has tons of questions like "When you get out of the shower, where should the towel go?" I put that it should go hanging nicely on the towel rack - FI thinks it needs to be put in the washer to wash right away. So we already know we'll have some disagreements about that. We've talked about it and he's decided to try to hang them on the towel rack, but he might forget.
I'll try to get the title for you.
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Our living situation will be a big adjustment because we have an 8 year old and my mom will be living with us. We are getting a townhouse for space purposes so if we need space, we have the basement, our rooms or even the backyard!
I am excited to live with my FI but I know it will be a BIG adjustment but with God's help we will be okay.
Also, realize that sometimes you'll need time alone. It's important for the other person to know that it's not them - sometimes you just need some space for yourself.
Don't eat the last of anything without letting the other person know! If you take the next to last roll of toilet paper, but it on the shopping list.
We haven't figured this out yet because we're both horrible at it, but decide what you're going to do with your shoes when you get inside. We both leave them near the door, and they accumulate behind the loveseat.
Planning Bio-Updated 3/11 with groomsmen attire
I appreciate this post also. My FI and I do not live together yet but I do go over and clean up for him often. I do see the bathroom thing as something we will have to work through. We will make it though!
Sage & Berries Blog
i definitely dont sleep as well. i will admit, on nights that one of us is sick or if we just really need a good night's sleep, one of us will sleep in another room. we dont look at this as a bad thing or that we dont love each other or that our marriage is doomed. its for pure health reasons.
Sage & Berries Blog
just last night my FI & i were talking about household chores - i suggested that we write a list of chores & who we would "assign" those to & discuss any differences on our list.
that's only one aspect of living together (we're not living together until after the wedding) that we can prepare for. i know there will be so much more...like the fact he's a cuddler & i'm not! wow wee. hahaha.
[QUOTE] We haven't figured this out yet because we're both horrible at it, but decide what you're going to do with your shoes when you get inside. <strong>We both leave them near the door, and they accumulate behind the loveseat</strong>. :/ There are a lot of neatness things you'll probably have to work out, like sort clothes when you get undressed or they're sorted when they're about to be washed. Or in my FI's case, I'm still working on getting him to put his clothes somewhere other than the floor....
Posted by jenn.daniel[/QUOTE]
Us too! It gets so there is like a line of shoes next to the door!
I think the key is to talk about things calmly if something is bothering you. When we first moved in together, I wouldn't say anything if one of his habits bugged me because I didn't want to seem nit-picky. But then things would just accumulate. So now, I will just say "Honey, could you please take your wet towel and hang it in the bathroom instead of leaving it on the bed?"
The sleeping thing-I didn't sleep well at first either. But now it is weird to sleep alone. You get used to it.
[QUOTE]I think a lot of the reason that people are statistically less likely to get divorced if they haven't lived together before marriage is because 1) People who live together prior to marriage tend to be less religious and less religious people tend to be more accepting of divorce than non-religious people and 2) Once you are physically living with someone, it's a lot more difficult to end the relationship (even if there are SERIOUS problems with it) because you are in some way legally and financially bound to that person (by a lease, deed, etc.), so people stay in bad relationships that normally they may not have stayed in because they feel "trapped". All of that aside, I live with FI and living with a boy is a bit of an adjustment. You learn a lot about someone that you didn't learn previously (even if you were with that person ALL THE TIME before you lived together.) For example, FI always leaves the toilet seat up and tends to adopt a "if it's yellow, let it mellow; if it's brown, flush it down" policy, which I think is gross...you should ALWAYS flush. When FI shaves in the bathroom, he leaves his beard hair everywhere and it's gross. We had to agree on a system to who was doing which house chore and how often. FI doesn't like how much hair I shed in the shower. I also HATE the way FI can never close a cabinet or drawer behind himself. I can't TELL you how many times a week I stub my toe! You have a much more accurate understanding of how financially responsible your SO is. When you fight, you have to live under the same roof, so you learn a lot about how the other person fights. In my case, I discovered that FI watches pornography (which caused several HUGE fights)...believe me when I tell you, MOST men do, they just don't talk about it. You'd do well to have the porn conversation before you learn about it accidentally. FI and I also have the added bonus of enduring my being in law school together. So, sometimes I'll just be cranky and snap at him for no reason. When you LIVE with someone, sometimes they are the only person that you CAN take out your emotions on, so there will be days when you snap at him/he snaps at you for no reason and it causes an argument. Whew, and now that I bet you're all terrified to live with your SOs, I will say that overall, it's a wonderful thing and I do not regret it. I go to sleep every night with my best friend and we wake up together every morning. When I'm sick/exhausted/have had a bad day and need to cry, I come home to FI and he holds me, kisses me, tells me he loves me, listens to me, strokes my hair, and tells me everything's going to be ok. The bad days happen, but as long as you learn to laugh at the silly, talk about the serious (and really LISTEN to the other party when you do talk), stay honest with each other, and respect what differences you DO have, you will be fine. The most difficult of these things for some people is staying honest because sometimes, you just don't want to create a fight, so instead you create a white lie (like with the aforementioned porn situation, in my case). Lay down the law with your FI that no matter WHAT may result from it, HONESTY is ALWAYS the best policy and NOTHING else with be tolerated. If you have love, trust, and respect, living together will be wonderful!
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]
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