Think husband had a mental breakdown? Please help. (this is book length)

Nebb · July 2012

Im seriously stuck on the whole sexual aspect of your whole situation. The replying to ads online and implying you would want to participate in 3somes (that you had talked about but never agreed upon), and now finding out that he willingly gave your naked pics to a friend and is aware that his friends have jerked off to your pics just seems... so fucking perverted to me. Like he thinks its funny because it actually excites him or some such nonsense. Thats not right, especially if youre not down with it. No offence but your husband sounds like a wackadoo.

StephBeanWed61502 · July 2012

In Response to Re:Think husband had a mental breakdown? Please help. this is book length:[QUOTE]Im seriously stuck on the whole sexual aspect of your whole situation. The replying to ads online and implying you would want to participate in 3somes that you had talked about but never agreed upon, and now finding out that he willingly gave your naked pics to a friend and is aware that his friends have jerked off to your pics just seems... so fucking perverted to me. Like he thinks its funny because it actually excites him or some such nonsense. Thats not right, especially if youre not down with it. No offence but your husband sounds like a wackadoo. Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]

I overlooked this issue in my earlier posts because I think your safety is the top priority right now, but I agree with Nebb that there are some sexual boundary issues here as well that you and he should be examining with a counselor.

MrsGandthebeag · July 2012

I would be out of there in a flash due to the picture issue as well as him contacting other women on craigslist. He doesn't sound like someone I would ever trust and without trust, you have nohing.

APDSS22 · July 2012

Watch out for yourself hon. Space seems like a good idea, even if you want to salvage the marriage. PP have given good advice: if you're feeling unsafe, do what you need to in order to feel safe again.

musicalsunlight · July 2012

I think, even if J left naked photos of me by mistake on the computer, he would be absolutely furious if his friends admitted to that crap. He would probably punch them in the face. That aspect of your H's total lack of respect for you is for some reason the most concerning especially because that happened way before this incident.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · July 2012

Ditto Nebb on all the sex/pictures stuff. I would have a really, really hard time getting past all that. But that's me.

For real though, if you're wondering if any of this is normal? Honey. It's not. This makes me really worried about him and scared for you. Just echoing everything PPs have said about making sure he gets into the hands of professionals that can help him. There are a number of severe psychological disorders that manifest in people once they hit their 20s. If this is something serious, he needs to be treated. And even if it's NOT something as bad as that, he still needs some pretty serious therapy. I urge you to not look the other way on this. Get him help.

And promise me if he starts freaking thefuck out again like this that you won't stay. I know you love him and you want to help, but if you are not feeling safe, you gotta get outta there.

LetsHikeToday · July 2012

How does saying it's mild help anyone?

1) He hasn't been diagnosed with bi-polar

2) It isn't mild to her.

OP- I'd leave for a few days. I wouldn't go home and stay alone with him again until I figured out what the next step would be.

MyUserName1 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-husband-had-a-mental-breakdown-please-help-this-is-book-length?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a9837a3d-8640-4bf8-a631-a92913062abePost:a3b99a29-b42c-4000-9a96-35bfd86d71a7">Re: Think husband had a mental breakdown? Please help. (this is book length)</a>:
[QUOTE]Ditto Nebb on all the sex/pictures stuff. I would have a really, really hard time getting past all that. But that's me. For real though, if you're wondering if any of this is normal? Honey. It's not. This makes me really worried about him and scared for you. Just echoing everything PPs have said about making sure he gets into the hands of professionals that can help him. There are a number of severe psychological disorders that manifest in people once they hit their 20s. If this is something serious, he needs to be treated. And even if it's NOT something as bad as that, he still needs some pretty serious therapy. I urge you to not look the other way on this. Get him help. And promise me if he starts freaking thefuck out again like this that you won't stay. I know you love him and you want to help, but if you are not feeling safe, you gotta get outta there.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>ALL OF THIS is exactly what I was trying to find the words to say.</div><div>
</div><div>He is not behaving in a manner that is normal or okay. His mental breakdown honestly scares me. His behavior makes me worry for your safety. The things about him KNOWING that his entire circle of friends have private pictures of you that they masterbate to and him ignoring your concern and embarassment and making you be around these people is disturbing in a different way. That is a red flag to me that he has abusive tendancies. </div><div>
</div>

crash2729 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-husband-had-a-mental-breakdown-please-help-this-is-book-length?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a9837a3d-8640-4bf8-a631-a92913062abePost:b780cabb-03b8-452f-a88e-1087454138e4">Re: Think husband had a mental breakdown? Please help. (this is book length)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Think husband had a mental breakdown? Please help. (this is book length) : ALL OF THIS is exactly what I was trying to find the words to say. He is not behaving in a manner that is normal or okay. His mental breakdown honestly scares me. His behavior makes me worry for your safety. The things about him KNOWING that his entire circle of friends have private pictures of you that they masterbate to and him ignoring your concern and embarassment and making you be around these people is disturbing in a different way. That is a red flag to me that he has abusive tendancies.
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]
All of this. <div>If you have somewhere to go until your next session, I would stay there for a few days.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
<div>
</div></div>

megan8290 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-husband-had-a-mental-breakdown-please-help-this-is-book-length?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a9837a3d-8640-4bf8-a631-a92913062abePost:4a891f25-d085-468e-ab4a-9d38083bc588">Re: Think husband had a mental breakdown? Please help. (this is book length)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Think husband had a mental breakdown? Please help. (this is book length) : I get that you're trying to help OP, and that's great. But on WHAT planet is thrashing about like a 3 year old, going comatose in the fetal position, or physically pinning your wife down to protect your cat from non-existent anger and violence "mild"?
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Mild in terms of someone with bi-polar. If you've never live with anyone that's bi-polar, I don't think you will understand. My FI, have done all of it above and used to every single day. Much worse things was done to me because of this illness. So please, excuse me if I said these things are "mild" and comforting her that it's not completely hopeless.</div>

spartybride3 · July 2012

I read your other post, but I did not comment. I am so sorry that this is happening to you. My husbands friend went through a similar situation and it was very sad to see.

I would leave your house ASAP or ask him to stay with someone else for awhile. I would not want to stay in that environment for personal safety reasons. If you are worried about his mental state, you don't know what could happen next. I'm not implying that he would do something drastic, but I wouldn't be interested in waiting to figure out. I would 100% bring it up to your counselor, maybe even in a private session with them also, and see if they recommend individual therapy for him or a psychiatric evaluation.

Besides the pictures & answering personal ads, is there any other thing that is putting a stress on him or your relationship? Could there be something else that he's not telling you or was there a recent job loss or death? When this stuff happens is he drinking? Is he possibly doing drugs? Regardless, he has personal issues that need to be resolved in addition to what you are experiencing in your marriage.

I would not hesitate to call 911 if it gets physical again. And if you don't want to do that, please GET OUT of the house!!!

megan8290 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-husband-had-a-mental-breakdown-please-help-this-is-book-length?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a9837a3d-8640-4bf8-a631-a92913062abePost:1abd2457-3652-45ed-998a-6c30412c0f64">Re: Think husband had a mental breakdown? Please help. (this is book length)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Think husband had a mental breakdown? Please help. (this is book length) : But she's in a potentially dangerous situation at the moment. So, while giving her hope is great, using language like "mild" when she's already asking about whether or not she's overreacting can be the opposite of comforting. It can cause her to feel guilty or like she should be able to "tough it out". And considering we don't even know that he IS bi-polar, I just think it's not the best approach. The spirit of the advice was great, but the delivery was a little lacking given what we do know and how much we still don't know about the situation. ETA: It's like the scene in The Tourist where the police captain tells Johnny Depp that attempted murder isn't so bad and Johnny Depp replies that it isn't when you downgrade it from actual murder, but when it's upgraded from room service, it's pretty darn serious. OP is going from benign peace to these symptoms, so "it could be worse, he could be actually hurting you" doesn't really give good context.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>Well, we don't know her and we don't know how she would've reacted. I'm writting a response that I would've liked to hear if I was in her position. Maybe you wouldn't have liked the advice I gave if you were in her position. We can only conclude that we have different opions on this subject. But at least we can agree that we are both just trying to help.</div>

KindaStupid · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-husband-had-a-mental-breakdown-please-help-this-is-book-length?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a9837a3d-8640-4bf8-a631-a92913062abePost:cd4d3e40-3345-4f80-bb75-b4f2bab42c5b">Re: Think husband had a mental breakdown? Please help. (this is book length)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Think husband had a mental breakdown? Please help. (this is book length) : Well, we don't know her and we don't know how she would've reacted. I'm writting a response that I would've liked to hear if I was in her position. Maybe you wouldn't have liked the advice I gave if you were in her position. We can only conclude that we have different opions on this subject. But at least we can agree that we are both just trying to help.
Posted by megan8290[/QUOTE]

I understand what you meant, and thank you, it is nice to hear that I am not the only person that thinks that this is odd. Was your SO willing to get help on his own, or is it a constant fight still?

MoonlightSilver · July 2012

PPs gave great advice about seeing professional help and finding a place to stay for a while.

For future reference, though, it's YOUR house too and you do NOT have to stay and serve dinner to a man who's seen naked pictures of you and/or masturbated to them. If your husband invites this person over, you should be able to say that he cannot come over; or in a situation where you can't have an adult conversation with your husband, leave the house (or the room) while he is there.

m tulli · July 2012

I didn't respond the first time you posted. This hit vey close to home for me. But I think my story might help you. My ex husband met girls off the Internet and cheated on me. It started with just chating and exchanging pics and went down hill from there. I found out after 13 years of marriage. I forgave him, he promised to never do it again and got counseling. With in months he was right back to old tricks I was more aware of signs this time around. My point to sharing is that the Craig's list adds might just be the start of something bigger. It takes two to want to honor the vows. It took 2 years of hell for me to realize that. Also he always made me the bad guy. How dare I not trust him. He's so hurt blah blah blah The fetal position thing sounds like a bigger mental issue. Maybe he should do private sessions as well as the couple Counsling.

megan8290 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-husband-had-a-mental-breakdown-please-help-this-is-book-length?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a9837a3d-8640-4bf8-a631-a92913062abePost:6c681b90-e2d9-44cb-84fd-e99de587abac">Re: Think husband had a mental breakdown? Please help. (this is book length)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Think husband had a mental breakdown? Please help. (this is book length) : I understand what you meant, and thank you, it is nice to hear that I am not the only person that thinks that this is odd. Was your SO willing to get help on his own, or is it a constant fight still?
Posted by KindaStupid[/QUOTE]

<div>SO battled with bipolar his whole life. He was kind of treated here and there by doctors. Misdiagnosed as depression and was given anti-depressants which can make one's bi-polar problem WORSE. He was resistant to help until we met, and that I realized he had these extreme behaviors.
It took a really long time for him to seek help, he needed to realize that he's doing this for himself but more for the people he loves around him. We went though alot, sending him to a mental hospital for a day, taking anything that he can hurt himself away...etc.

He's doing much much better now and almost only seem like someone with an anger management issue (which is actually his manic). We are trying to go with the therapy route more. The one thing that helped is to let him know that you love him and support him. That he's not "broken". Just my experience.</div>

MJheartsWeddings · July 2012

There are so many issues here.. My mind is spinning just thinking about it so I can't imagine what you're going through. I don't have any advice, but just wish you the best of luck with everything.

smsaifyr · July 2012

Let me give you a little background on myself. My FI and I own a martial arts school. I have done extensive research on women's self defense. Hi highly recommend that you read the Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. I teach women self-defense classes based on this book.

If your gut tells you that you maybe in harms way; please please leave. It is your gut that will help keep you safe.

Keep a bag packed and at a trusted friends house or your parents house. Keep all the essentials in it; copies of credit cards, copies of your birth certificate and your ssc ect. Keep some cash in there as well.

This may sound crazy; but, put $20 in a ziplock baggie and a calling card under your front door mat. So that if you need to leave you will always have access to a little cash and a calling card.

I hope you do not have to use this bag, however better to be prepaired then unprepaired.

DeannaCW · July 2012

There are SO many red flags in this post, even without the sexual issues, I don't even know where to begin. Mental illnesses can also be triggered by major life events, and it is entirely possible that getting married triggered something in him.

Coming from a family with an also "stern and strict" father, I know I have a tendency to overreact when someone sounds irritated and I think it's at me, simply because of the harshness of my dad. His reaction, however, is way beyond over the top. Regressing to the mental status of an angry two-year-old is not normal. In fact, your description of his actions reminds me of some of the things discussed in my Sexual Abuse class I took recently, discussing ways that adult survivors can behave. Not saying this is what happened, it's just what it reminded me of. In addition to couple's counselling, he needs serious intensive therapy, and he needs it now. I repeat, the way he reacted was not normal. He needs therapy.

The fact that he has shoved you once already is not a "he was just drunk" thing. It is showing you that he has the tendency and willingness to become violent to you, and this won't necessarily only happen just the once, or even just while he's drunk. Making an exit strategy is not overreacting; it is necessary.

smsaifyr · July 2012

Let me give you a little background on myself. My FI and I own a martial arts school. I have done extensive research on women's self defense. Hi highly recommend that you read the Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. I teach women self-defense classes based on this book.

If your gut tells you that you maybe in harms way; please please leave. It is your gut that will help keep you safe.

Keep a bag packed and at a trusted friends house or your parents house. Keep all the essentials in it; copies of credit cards, copies of your birth certificate and your ssc ect. Keep some cash in there as well.

This may sound crazy; but, put $20 in a ziplock baggie and a calling card under your front door mat. So that if you need to leave you will always have access to a little cash and a calling card.

I hope you do not have to use this bag, however better to be prepaired then unprepaired.

mbrischoux · July 2012

I am so sorry you are experiencing this.

I agree with those who said you need to leave the house for a while. I understand why you gave in ans stayed after you had chosen to pack a bag, because I probably would have done the same thing if my husband was crying and thrashing like that - I'd be afraid he'd hurt himself!

However, you owe it to yourself to be safe and respected. The photo thing really bothers me (not that the personal ads DON'T bother me, but I'd be more ticked by the fact that my husband allowed his buddies to masterbate to me. That's creepy)- my husband would absolutely kill this guy, and he'd certainly cut all ties with him. Allowing you to stay in this level of discomfort is completely unfair to you. While you have been taking your vows seriously, he has not. Marriages in which only one person believes and values their vows cannot work.

I don't think you should throw in the towel on couple's counceling - I believe you need it and made the right call in getting it. This man clearly has issues which need to be addressed as soon as possible. However, you do not need to live together during that time. You need to make arrangements to stay elsewhere so you are safe but also so that you can get yourself together. I'd also look into individual councelling for both of you. Also, get yourself in the position to leave if you have to - keep a bag packed by the door (if you choose to stay in the house), have money set aside in the bank, and whatever else it would take to get you out fast if you need to. Whichever person said "For better or for worse" is NOT "to the extent that you fear for your safety" is absolutley correct.

Wishing you peace.

Peledreamsofrain · August 2012

Normally I don't post when there have already been so many comments, but I wanted to share a different point of view that you may not have considered. Please don't consider this as aggression or criticism of any sort, as I know your natural instinct is to protect your husband. It means you are mentally healthy. But you MUST objectively view the situation for your safety.

Have you considered that your husband does not in fact have a mental disorder such as bipolar, past abuse, etc, but rather is beginning to show the signs of systematic abuse? It is extremely common for abusive spouses to assume a victim role in any way that they can so that they can gain control. If this means coming up with past stories of abuse, and comparing you to their supposed old abuser, then so be it. It is deeply concerning that he did not exhibit any of this behavior for years until he marriend you (ie got 'control' of you).

Belitting your feelings in the pictures event, accusing you of unfounded things, wild reactions, manipulative tantrums, shoving you, etc... all are red flags.

But what struck a chord with me the most is how you felt in all of this. Listen to yourself. You are not wrong. Your subconcious is picking up on things that none of us here can even begin to be clued in on, or be aware of. Don't ever ignore yourself again. Please.

Here is a good resource that you may want to utilize http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/spouse-abuse.htm

Think husband had a mental breakdown? Please help. (this is book length)

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