Pre-wedding Parties

lack of inlaw contribution?

Good morning ladies, 
last night we were at the soon to be in laws house and they were asking about the wedding i gave them all the info and set the rehersal dinner guest list and then it happened. the stb mil added her family after is speciffically said these are the only people i want. her coment was well im paying for it so they are coming. i didnt want to insite a fight so i kept my mouth shut but that is the only thing she is paying for and i have no say in it.  my parents are footing the bill for this huge wedding i didnt want. i wanted a 200 person tops wedding and now we have almost 400. it has caused alot of tention between me and the mr and i feel that since 75% of the guest list is his family that his parents should chip in for the reception which him and i will be forced to pick up the remaining tab for because i just cant ask my parents for any more money.  all i am asking is that they pay half of the $4000 reception because its their large guest list that is making it so expencive. i am beyond frustraded and every time i say something it turns into a fight with my FI. ladies please HELP 

Re: lack of inlaw contribution?

  • If they're not paying for the wedding reception, their say in who you invite is very limited. Or it should be. And no one should be invited to the rehearsal and not the reception, obviously, even if they are paying for it. I think you should get your fiance to stand up to them and say something about how you guys appreciate how excited they are to have people share in your big day, but your parents are footing the bill and things are adding up fast, and for financial reason you really need to cut back the guest list. If they want to contribute by paying for their part of the headcount, let them do it. Otherwise, their guests need to be cut (with the exception of immediate family).
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  • edited September 2012
    You and your FI need to sit down with the budget and come to an agreement about the guest list including how many spots will be given to the parents for their guests.  As for who is paying, it is you and your FI.  If parents offer to pay part of the costs, great, but they are not required to do so. Do not ask your parents for more money.  If your FI will not see reason and stand up to his mother, then the reception is the least of your problems because you are marrying a man who will not stand up to his mother and back you up.  Welcome to a lifetime of this hell.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • with invites already sent out there isnt much we can do however i feel that they need to pay for some things because its their son getting married as well. i just feel kinda hurt because both of his sisters seem to get what they want and i feel like he is thrown to the wayside. 
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_lack-of-inlaw-contribution?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:fd9600d4-d18e-4c92-b7d6-fb7252d063e2Post:f9e3076d-78b4-4887-9366-4ab6c87f2ac7">Re: lack of inlaw contribution?</a>:
    [QUOTE]with invites already sent out there isnt much we can do however i feel that they need to pay for some things because its their son getting married as well. i just feel kinda hurt because both of his sisters seem to get what they want and i feel like he is thrown to the wayside. 
    Posted by tiffielynn91[/QUOTE]

    Since your parents are paying for the reception, they should have put a limit on the number of guests that the FILs could invite. You shouldn't have mailed those invitations, unless you were certain that the number was ok with the hosts. It's too late for all that now, so if you have gone over the budget set by your parents, you and Fi should make up the difference. The parents are not obligated to pay for their childrens' wedding.

    Since FMIL is paying for the RD, she is in control of the guest list. She may invite anyone she wishes as long as those people are being invited to the wedding.

    I'm sorry your feelings are hurt. Life isn't fair and some parents treat one child better than another. You're not going to fix that problem by pressuring them to pay for things that are related to your wedding.
                       
  • i think u need to speak up or get your fi to do it bec i have a similar problem  goin on ....cut the guest list ...if the invites are out already then they need to come up with more money ..have a talk with them.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_lack-of-inlaw-contribution?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:fd9600d4-d18e-4c92-b7d6-fb7252d063e2Post:c28dbf7f-826c-482a-8b1f-8a7a8f45f20d">Re:lack of inlaw contribution?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Honest question: how old are you guys?
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
    and why does this matter? 
  • after much talk and aruging my fi spoke up a little and his parent may be contributing but the amount is still up in the air
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited September 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_lack-of-inlaw-contribution?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:fd9600d4-d18e-4c92-b7d6-fb7252d063e2Post:3b941ab3-c58b-4da6-828b-1e5126cbce54">Re: lack of inlaw contribution?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:lack of inlaw contribution? : Honest question: how old are you guys? Posted by StageManager14

    In Response to Re:lack of inlaw contribution? : and why does this matter?  Posted by tiffielynn91


    Because adults should be responsible for planning and paying for their own weddings.
                       
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_lack-of-inlaw-contribution?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:fd9600d4-d18e-4c92-b7d6-fb7252d063e2Post:c28dbf7f-826c-482a-8b1f-8a7a8f45f20d">Re:lack of inlaw contribution?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Honest question: how old are you guys?
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    <div>Her username says 91... so I'm guessing 21 or 22.</div>
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  • >>i feel that they need to pay for some things because its their son getting married as well.
     
    Your FI is supposed to be a mature man, coming to this wedding by himself.  Traditionally, the groom does not still live at home, sponsored by his parents.

    So the groom's family hosts the RD, but traditionally does not pay for half of the reception costs.  The bride's family hosts the reception.

    >>i just feel kinda hurt because both of his sisters seem to get what they want and i feel like he is thrown to the wayside.

    Well, there is an old saying that is still true in many families today:
    A boy is a son until he takes a wife.
    A girl is a daughter the rest of her life.

    That means that both of his sisters DO get what they want from his parents, while HE is a grown man who would NOT be fully funded by his parents.

    And you need to stop "feeling" any judgments about how his family works.  That's HIS business.  You need to concentrate on your own family issues.
  • How are you having a 400 person wedding for $4000?  I need to live where you live.  My reception alone, for half that amount of people is 10x your number :(  Stupid NY.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited September 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_lack-of-inlaw-contribution?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:fd9600d4-d18e-4c92-b7d6-fb7252d063e2Post:2e23ef59-2f69-4ed2-b06d-bf44ba56b3b5">lack of inlaw contribution?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Good morning ladies,  last night we were at the soon to be in laws house and they were asking about the wedding i gave them all the info and set the rehersal dinner guest list and then it happened. the stb mil added her family after is speciffically said these are the only people i want. her coment was well im paying for it so they are coming. i didnt want to insite a fight so i kept my mouth shut but that is the only thing she is paying for and i have no say in it.  <strong>

    my parents are footing the bill for this huge wedding i didnt want. i wanted a 200 person tops wedding and now we have almost 400. it has caused alot of tention between me and the mr and i feel that since 75% of the guest list is his family that his parents should chip in for the reception which him and i will be forced to pick up the remaining tab for because i just cant ask my parents for any more money.  all i am asking is that they pay half of the $4000 reception because its their large guest list that is making it so expencive.

    i</strong> am beyond frustraded and every time i say something it turns into a fight with my FI. ladies please HELP 
    Posted by tiffielynn91[/QUOTE]

    Did your FILs agree to pay for their guests before you sent out the invitations? Who addressed and mailed the extra 200 invites?
                       
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited September 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_lack-of-inlaw-contribution?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:fd9600d4-d18e-4c92-b7d6-fb7252d063e2Post:e826216b-778f-47d4-b37c-ffa546f42ee9">Re: lack of inlaw contribution?</a>:
    [QUOTE]That isn't the issue here.  She is paying for her wedding.  Her issue is with her overbearing in-laws, who expect them to invite THEIR friends AND foot the bill for it when they know the couple can't afford it.  Of course she'll be resentful and expect them to shell out to help achieve THEIR demands.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    Her parents are paying for the wedding. She feels like her fi's parents owe it to him to contribute the wedding reception, rather than the large RD they have planned.

    At any rate, Fi should have stood up to his parents before they sent out all those extra invitations.
                       
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I think that all those extra invitations should not have gone out unless the FI secured a contribution from his parents for their inclusion.

    That he didn't get one, and is trying to stick the OP and her parents with the bill, says a lot about how this marriage is going to (not) work.
  • Just tell her you can't afford her people and you need to cut back on the guest list. Stand firm and have your FI back you up. You might have a motherzilla on your hands. :/
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