question.

laladypoet · September 2010

have you ever been in a wedding where you weren't allowed to bring a guest to the rehearsal dinner? because I'm pretty sure that just happened to me. and it's never happened before. my H can't come with me to the wedding, and my mom is my guest. my mom has known the bride since she was 9, and my mom was already invited to the wedding, but she decided to go with me.
this is the bride who is pissed at me for being sick on the day of her bachelorette party/shower.
well, my mom wanted to know if she was allowed to go to the rehearsal dinner with me. I told her I imagined so, but I would check. I texted the bride and asked her, and her response was "I'm not involved with planning the rehearsal dinner. But it is my understanding that it's for the wedding party only."
wtf. so if my H drove with me he wouldn't be invited?

mandysmear · September 2010

ick. not cool. i'm doing a reading and my husband and i are invited to the rehearsal dinner.

Celles · September 2010

What if it was the bride posting instead?

"My BM's husband can't make it to the wedding, so she's bringing her mom as her +1 even though her mom was given her own invitation. That's totally fine. But now she wants to bring her mom as her guest to the RD, too. Is that weird? Is it rude of me to tell her no?"

I don't know. I think I'd probably side with the bride on this one and say something about needing to accommodate significant others but not necessarily random +1's at the RD.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · September 2010

Yeah actually - last fall at my sister's wedding, my boyfriend (now fiance) was not invited to her rehearsal dinner. They were having their dinner at a local fancy restaurant and the cost per plate was expensive, so I understood. I was a little miffed, however, when one of the ushers showed up with his girlfriend. I was the freaking maid of honor and I didn't have a date to my sister's rehearsal, and this guy brought his girlfriend without even asking. When we got to the dinner, they were short one chair and place setting. They had to set one up last minute, and squish people at that table.

Another one I went to was really bad - I was a bridesmaid a couple years ago for a good college friend of mine. Her husband's parents didn't allow any of my friend's bridal attendants invite dates - which was really shitty, because we all had traveled six hours to go to this wedding, and our guests were left with nothing to do for hours. I figured maybe this was going to be a fancy event. It wasn't. It was a freaking pot luck and they had tons of food left over. Plus all their ushers and groomsmen brought their dates. Apparently it was okay for her husband's people to bring dates, but not her people. Very lame and rude.

frenchy730 · September 2010

I don't know... I completely understand that if she is not planning the rehearsal dinner, she may very well not be sure of the protocol.

Part of me understands the reasoning behind the "no" because your mom is already an invited wedding guests, and not all wedding guests are invited to the rehearsal. I do understand that you feel entitled to bring a "date" but in this case, I don't think you should feel slighted. If your husband was attending the wedding and he was not allowed to attend the RD, that would be a different story. Or even if you and/or your mom were together traveling a distance to be there, then I would understand your frustration. In this case, I'd just let it go, attend the RD without mom, and hang out with her at the wedding.

sarah0725 · September 2010

I kind of agree with Celles - I feel like I'd be pissed if FI weren't invited with me to a rehearsal dinner, but I wouldn't expect to bring a different guest to an RD if I couldn't bring FI, and I probably wouldn't bring a different guest along to a wedding if FI couldn't come.

kikibaby · September 2010

H was in a wedding a couple of years ago, and I wasn't invited to the RD. But, we weren't engaged yet (were living together, though).

mica178 · September 2010

Oh, if your mom is traveling (with you) to attend the wedding, then in my opinion she should be invited to the RD too. If the wedding were more local and your mother would otherwise be in her own home, I'd probably say it was okay for her to not be invited.

frenchy730 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-18?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:331fee59-d16a-44e6-b720-2396d747c2dePost:f70dbe7b-c548-4607-a47b-bd4dedc7f29c">Re: question.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: question. : see, I think that's bullshiit. it's like saying "you can bring only the guest I say you can bring." I would never do that.
Posted by laladypoet[/QUOTE]

It's not BS. If the invitation was addressed to you & your husband or any specifically named person, you don't get to pick a stand-in. It is well within the bride's authority to deny any requests you may have about altering her guest list. You just lucked out that your mom was also invited to the same event. Your mom is not your replacement date, she is an invited guest who is attending the wedding. If the invitation had said Your Name & Guest or something else, then yes, you can decide who to bring.

If your husband had been able to attend the wedding, he would have been invited to the RD with you, and your mom would still be invited to the wedding, and still NOT invited to the RD.

Celles · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-18?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:331fee59-d16a-44e6-b720-2396d747c2dePost:f70dbe7b-c548-4607-a47b-bd4dedc7f29c">Re: question.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: question. : see, I think that's bullshiit. it's like saying "you can bring only the guest I say you can bring." I would never do that.
Posted by laladypoet[/QUOTE]

See, I don't think that's consistent with the rest of the advice we give 'round here.

We tell brides that they absolutely cannot split social units, but that plus ones are optional for those not in committed long-term relationships.

We also tell brides that it's fine to exclude children, but that invitations should be addressed to the invitees by name; if a guest attempts to RSVP for someone who isn't listed on the invitation, it's perfectly acceptable to tell them that uninvited guests can't be accommodated.

In both cases, aren't we essentially telling brides that it's okay to allow certain guests and not others? (SO but not FotM, spouse but not children, etc.) I mean, I get that it's not your preference, but I don't see how it's rude in one case and not in others.

laladypoet · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-18?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:331fee59-d16a-44e6-b720-2396d747c2dePost:e6bcf2c3-ca11-42a5-99ef-3350fca88d7c">Re: question.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: question. : It's not BS. If the invitation was addressed to you & your husband or any specifically named person, you don't get to pick a stand-in. It is well within the bride's authority to deny any requests you may have about altering her guest list. You just lucked out that your mom was also invited to the same event. Your mom is not your replacement date, she is an invited guest who is attending the wedding. If the invitation had said Your Name & Guest or something else, then yes, you can decide who to bring. If your husband had been able to attend the wedding, he would have been invited to the RD with you, and your mom would still be invited to the wedding, and still NOT invited to the RD.
Posted by frenchy730[/QUOTE]
are you high?

laladypoet · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-18?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:331fee59-d16a-44e6-b720-2396d747c2dePost:2a125408-53c9-4f6f-a4a1-d51644ad4e7f">Re: question.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: question. : See, I don't think that's consistent with the rest of the advice we give 'round here. We tell brides that they absolutely cannot split social units, but that plus ones are optional for those not in committed long-term relationships. We also tell brides that it's fine to exclude children, but that invitations should be addressed to the invitees by name; if a guest attempts to RSVP for someone who isn't listed on the invitation, it's perfectly acceptable to tell them that uninvited guests can't be accommodated. In both cases, aren't we essentially telling brides that it's okay to allow certain guests and not others? (SO but not FotM, spouse but not children, etc.) I mean, I get that it's not your preference, but I don't see how it's rude in one case and not in others.
Posted by Celles[/QUOTE]
who is this "we"? last I checked, everyone has her own opinion on this board. I've seen lots of times where people would say this is not ok.

crfische · September 2010

:: pats self on the back for choosing to not use a your momma joke ::

frenchy730 · September 2010

No. That's how invitations work, generally.

I would think the bride was rude if she outright said your husband would not be invited to the RD, which you are assuming is the case. "wedding party only" generally means wedding party and their significant other, if applicable.. She is not rude for denying you a replacement companion at the RD. Am I crazy to think this?

Also if it is that huge of a deal to you, why don't you contact the person in charge of the dinner and get their official approval or denial.

Celles · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-18?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:331fee59-d16a-44e6-b720-2396d747c2dePost:25eddd30-0420-485c-950b-ac7b3e594d8e">Re: question.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: question. : who is this "we"? last I checked, everyone has her own opinion on this board. I've seen lots of times where people would say this is not ok.
Posted by laladypoet[/QUOTE]

I don't mean to speak for everyone and I apologize if I gave that impression. However, the two opinions I mentioned -- (1) optional +1's for single guests and (2) excluding children by omission -- are without a doubt prevailing sentiments on this board.

If Frenchy's high, then I am too, because we're definitely eye-to-eye on this one.

kikibaby · September 2010

EDIT: Meh, I'm going to mind my own business. For once.

frenchy730 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-18?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:331fee59-d16a-44e6-b720-2396d747c2dePost:df645aa5-c72e-43d3-bd78-2ef4dd9fbf5f">Re: question.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: question. : oh gee, why didn't I think of that? you're a genius. so basically, if a bride invites someone to the wedding and the bride doesn't like their plus one, the bride can say "no, you can't bring that person"? are you new?
Posted by laladypoet[/QUOTE]

I didn't say that. What I said (two or three times now) is that a bride CAN say no to a person bringing a replacement date for someone who was specifically named on the invitation. Or say no to adding a plus one if no plus one is indicated.

I said if your inviatation said You + One, then that is a hint you can choose who to bring.

You fall into the first category, in that you were invited with only your name on the invitation. When you asked her about the lack of your husbands name, she said he was invited too. That is it. You and your husband are invited using that invitation. You don't get to pick new people to add on to it. Even though your mom is also invited to the wedding, you don't have the right to bring her to the RD just because you think she should be there as your guest. That's up to the bride/planner.

laladypoet · September 2010

it's not that it's not what I want to hear. it's that what she's saying doesn't make sense to me. didn't realize I had to be super nice when I don't agree with something. but whatever.

laladypoet · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-18?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:331fee59-d16a-44e6-b720-2396d747c2dePost:7dd1a6b8-bbaf-42c8-9f47-55561ad41e99">Re: question.</a>:
[QUOTE]EDIT: Meh, I'm going to mind my own business. For once.
Posted by kikibaby[/QUOTE]

coward. :P

kikibaby · September 2010

Yeah, I just realized it's almost time to go home so I switched into "I don't give a fuuck" mode.

laladypoet · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-18?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:331fee59-d16a-44e6-b720-2396d747c2dePost:6def47db-fb48-47eb-ab14-770d1cfc20d4">Re: question.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: question. : I didn't say that. What I said (two or three times now) is that a bride CAN say no to a person bringing a replacement date for someone who was specifically named on the invitation. Or say no to adding a plus one if no plus one is indicated. I said if your inviatation said You + One, then that is a hint you can choose who to bring. You fall into the first category, in that you were invited with only your name on the invitation. When you asked her about the lack of your husbands name, she said he was invited too. That is it. You and your husband are invited using that invitation. You don't get to pick new people to add on to it. Even though your mom is also invited to the wedding, you don't have the right to bring her to the RD just because you think she should be there as your guest. That's up to the bride/planner.
Posted by frenchy730[/QUOTE]
that's just it. his name wasn't on the RD invitation, much like on the wedding invitation. so I had to ask about it. and it seems like no one is allowed to bring a guest. either that, or she's just telling me that. I'm not sure.
in any case, my question was if anyone has been in a wedding where they weren't allowed to bring a guest to the RD. cause I think it's weird.

frenchy730 · September 2010

I'm gonna switch into IDGAF mode with kikkibaby now. I give up.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · September 2010

I disagree with Celles and Frenchy. It's my understanding that the WP members and their dates are invited to the RD. Not just their SOs, since not all WP members have SOs, but all should be extended the opportunity to bring dates. I understand if some WP members aren't in a commited relationship and are just bringing a friend or something, but I'd still extend the courtesy of asking if their date would like to attend, since, for all intents and purposes, they're a social unit for the wedding weekend.

That goes double for people who are traveling to be there and would otherwise likely be leaving their date in the hotel room with their thumb up their ass.

laladypoet · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-18?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:331fee59-d16a-44e6-b720-2396d747c2dePost:e9e63cf8-754e-4342-89d0-a81fe5393c32">Re: question.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: question. : That's true that if RSVPing were necessary they would've included the information to do so. But, as far as you know, you are trying to attend with an additional guest so it would be nice for the hosts to know that. In fact, I have read the whole story, but thanks for assuming that because I'm not entirely validating your beliefs abour rehearsal dinners, that your situation must be beyond comprehensible, all because this girl is clearly a peach to deal with. If she's pissed off that you didn't go to her bachelorette/shower, and you're still pissed off at her about the way she acted at your party, and you think she's so rude and dumb enough not to address anything correctly, does it really matter is she is mad at you AGAIN because you skip her rehearsal dinner?
Posted by mrs.jesse[/QUOTE]
you need to calm down, dude. I only assumed that you hadn't read it because it's not that interesting a story, and I assume a lot of people didn't read it.

and yeah, I don't think it'd be cool to do something I know will make her mad the day before the wedding.

laladypoet · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-18?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:331fee59-d16a-44e6-b720-2396d747c2dePost:1d1956de-3990-4b64-ad54-7f01b047b8de">Re: question.</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, I just realized it's almost time to go home so I switched into "I don't give a fuuck" mode.
Posted by kikibaby[/QUOTE]

but I mean, what will frenchy do without you?
/joking font

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-18?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:331fee59-d16a-44e6-b720-2396d747c2dePost:6def47db-fb48-47eb-ab14-770d1cfc20d4">Re: question.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: question. : I didn't say that. <strong> What I said (two or three times now) is that a bride CAN say no to a person bringing a replacement date for someone who was specifically named on the invitation. Or say no to adding a plus one if no plus one is indicated. I said if your inviatation said You + One, then that is a hint you can choose who to bring.</strong> You fall into the first category, in that you were invited with only your name on the invitation. When you asked her about the lack of your husbands name, she said he was invited too. That is it. You and your husband are invited using that invitation. You don't get to pick new people to add on to it. Even though your mom is also invited to the wedding, you don't have the right to bring her to the RD just because you think she should be there as your guest. That's up to the bride/planner.
Posted by frenchy730[/QUOTE]

I agree with this, but once the bride (or whoever) has okayed the replacement date, I think that DATE should be considered equal to the original date, including the RD invite.

laladypoet · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-18?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:331fee59-d16a-44e6-b720-2396d747c2dePost:38d74a79-9d74-44a8-8b81-e4ed75193ec7">Re: question.</a>:
[QUOTE]I disagree with Celles and Frenchy. It's my understanding that the WP members and their dates are invited to the RD. Not just their SOs, since not all WP members have SOs, but all should be extended the opportunity to bring dates. I understand if some WP members aren't in a commited relationship and are just bringing a friend or something, but I'd still extend the courtesy of asking if their date would like to attend, since, for all intents and purposes, they're a social unit for the wedding weekend. That goes double for people who are traveling to be there and would otherwise likely be leaving their date in the hotel room with their thumb up their ass.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

that's how I feel. like I said, I invited all my WP with a plus one. if this bride was single, I'd still allow her to bring someone, especially since she traveled four hours to be there.

laladypoet · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-18?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:331fee59-d16a-44e6-b720-2396d747c2dePost:338d2da0-294c-48d9-bce2-70557a68d41e">Re: question.</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm gonna switch into IDGAF mode with kikkibaby now. I give up.
Posted by frenchy730[/QUOTE]
I know, I know. it's hard being you.

laladypoet · September 2010

this, of course, was before I was sick on her bachelorette party. since then, she doesn't respond to my friendly "How you doing?" texts, and is as vague as possible about wedding details. and there's no way she doesn't know if the wedding party is allowed to bring a guest. no way. they would've asked her. and if she didn't know, she could ask them, or at least give me their contact info when I ask.

emilyinchile · September 2010

Lala, I think that given the backstory, this girl is being rude to you on purpose. BUT I also think that if the backstory didn't exist, I'd probably cut her a break. I think SOs need to be included at the RD but not necessarily +1s otherwise. Of course it's nicer to include them, but I don't think it's breaking a cardinal rule if you don't.

MarriedInAFever · September 2010

I'm in Mery's boat. The rehearsal seems to me like a bit of a PITA and the dinner is an opportunity to honor and thank those in your wedding party and family. Although I'm not hosting the RD, I made sure all members of the WP could bring a guest.

question.

Re: question.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards