Moms and Maids

What mom wants and what I want

My mom and I have seem to have gotten closer since i have had my son. I know she wants to be included in the wedding planning(which is going to be September 15th, 2012), but the things I want is not want she wants. I talk about what I want to do food wise and she says "I got that covered". When I talk about the music we want in the ceremony she told me since we are having a church wedding that we have to have someone sing and someone play the piano/organ or it will look tacky. I tried to compromise with her and agreed to have someone sing but she is still saying that we have to have someone play. Any ideas on what is right or what I should say to her?

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Re: What mom wants and what I want

  • redheadtmkredheadtmk member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I am guessing she is paying if she says she has it covered? If you want your wedding the way you want it, then pay for it yourself. Otherwise if she is paying she gets to make the calls. If you are paying, then having someone sing is a good compromise and skip the organ player.
  • edited December 2011
    Yes i should add that I am paying. She is only paying for my dress.
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  • edited December 2011
    If she's not paying, she doesn't get a say.  When she says something like "but you HAVE to have someone playing the organ," just respond with "thanks for your opinion mom.  I'll consider it."  Repeat as necessary.  When it's something like the food (where she's saying she has it "covered") try "thanks for the offer mom, but FI and I would like to pick the caterer together.  If you'd like to provide us the name and contact info of the person you were thinking of, we'll add them to our list."

    Another way to stop this kind of thing is to not talk to her about things until after a decision is made.  FI and I are meeting with all of our vendors on our own, then telling the moms (his and mine) which vendors we've chosen after the decision is already made.  It's a lot harder (I would think) for a mother to argue with you when you've already put the deposit down, KWIM?
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited December 2011
    Well since she is not paying then she really doesn't get a say in the plans of your wedding.  When she gives her opinion on something tell her that you appreciate her thoughts and will consider it.  If this doesn't work and she continues to make "decisions" then stop talking wedding talk with her.  If she doesn't know what is going on then she can't comment on it.

  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Since you are paying, you need to turn the tables. When she tells you what the menu is, YOU should say 'Thanks for the idea, but we have that covered.'

    Many churches have rules about wedding music. You should discuss that with your pastor or whoever is in charge of weddings at your church. Make your decisions based on what he/she tells you. Again, tell your mom you have it covered.

    Share only what you want to share. You can tell mom that you want to surprise her. Or use the bean dip technique when she asks questions about the wedding. 'Mom, that's an interesting idea, have you tried the bean dip?'

    Make sure all your wedding vendors know that you and fi are writing their checks and are the only ones authorized to order services or make changes.

    She may expect to choose the wedding dress, since she is paying. Be prepared to pull out your own checkbook, just in case.

    Good luck, stand firm on the things that are important to you.
                       
  • edited December 2011
    If you're paying, you get the say. I would stop talking wedding around your mom, so she can't give her opinion on things. If she brings it up, just say, "Mom, thanks for opinion; we've already got it covered though." She shouldn't be making decisions if she's not footing the bill.
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  • kendramc87kendramc87 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Im having the same kind of problems with my entire family they seem to think they know what I want. Ive been deciding what I want before I mention anything to them about it so I can tell them ive got it covered
  • redheadtmkredheadtmk member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    If you are paying then I would say having a singer was a very fair compromise and you definitely do not need an organ player. Like PP's said, make decisions, put down deposits and then tell her IF she asks. and if you feel like it. ;)
  • edited December 2011
    How does she have it covered if you are paying for everything?  I would stop sharing information with her while you and your fiance plan the wedding you want.  When she asks you about the details, be vague- "Don't worry, we've got it covered!"
  • nboothe86nboothe86 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    It's you day. Do things you want to do and not live with regret afterwards. Do take time to think of your mom's opinion. She suggest someitng tell her you didn't think of that before but you will definitely consider it. And take time to really considerate, ask your fiance too, he has a say in the wedding planning too. You aren't going to please everyone
  • edited December 2011
    Whoever pays gets the say.  Except for the music in my opinion.  My music for my wedding was THE most important thing to me other than the photographer, so if my mother had told me what music I had to have, I would have told her to screw. In the beginning I had A LOT of fights with my mother.  She even told me my wedding was about her at one point. In the end I got everything I wanted and it worked out, but she stressed me out right to the very end. Even during the reception when I was dancing with my MOH to one of my favorite songs "Groove is in the Heart" and she came up to me and said "Is this DJ gonna play some music people can dance to?" I turned right around, and thought to myself "You know what Ma, Groove IS in the heart, and clearly you don't have it, and I DON'T CARE"
    Obviously I don't know what your relationship is like with your mother, but she sounds like a control freak, like my mother, which can be extremely difficult to deal with. So...good luck, I guess!
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  • graysquirrelgraysquirrel member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    It sounds to me like your mother is operating out of a very old fashioned mindset about what weddings should or shouldn't have. My mother also thought that we needed people to play special music and sing because that is what was done in her day. It took some convincing that weddings have changed and that you can do whatever is special to you in your ceremony. It might help if you explained to her that many brides have music like that, but many nowdays dont and it is perfectly ok.

    I also agree with pps that you should just continue your plans without involving her in the things that bring contention. If you want her involved, let her know how things are going regarding something you two agree on. That way she will be included and you have an easier time of it.
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