Premarital counseling and premarital agreement

flawlessfay · July 2010

Hey Ladies, I was having a discussion with a few of my co-workers and a few of them said that they would not seek counseling whenever they get married (Personally, I think us younger couples need it) How do you ladies feel about this? I am doing research myself on some counselors so any recommendations would be great.

Also, how do you feel about the whole pre-nup agreement?

Smooches

LaRositaMonita · July 2010

I am a fairly non-traditional person in that DH and I lived together on and off (mostly on, since if we were off I was "living" at college) for over five years before we got married. We didn't seek counseling before marriage; we had been together for a long time and, given our circumstances, had no idea what a marriage counselor would have helped us reveal about one another that we didn't already know. That said, for more old-school folk who are against living together before marriage or are getting married after only knowing each other for a year or two, I think it can be helpful. Really...it depends on the couple.

[Deleted User] · July 2010

I think it's a good idea. I think they can bring up things you may not have talked about even though you have lived together before.

For example- it makes sense to keep money separate to a degree before you are married. However talking about how you were raised and how your family sees money will greatly effect your marriage.

You are a saver and he is a spender. You don't understand why he spends so much money on 'dumb stuff' he doesn't understand why you are so 'cheap'.

A third, impartial, person may help you to make sure you have thought of the major issues which come up in relationships in the long run.

We are not getting a prenup. He does not want one, he was WAY more to lose then me as he will inherit money and houses, I have debt. So I think it's really up to him.

If you want to go and you think it will be helpful to YOU don't let other people talk you out of it. Go to say 2-3 sessions.

I will ask a friend who is a counselor for recs.

Ms.BriarRose · July 2010

Our church requires premarital counseling with the pastor. For us, though, since we (I especially; he was my youth advisor at our old church) have a really close relationship with him and his family, he didn't want to ruin that and ask that we see someone else. We agreed; not only did we not want to ruin the relationship, but we have alot on our plate that most young couples don't have to deal with (chronic illness, possible infertility, crazy families that we still are dependent on because of the illness, etc), so we wanted to see someone who could offer us not only coping and managing skills, but also resolution skills; we ended up seeing a therapist who specializes in "Life Changes" (marriage, death, divorce, new baby, etc).

It was the best thing we did for marriage. Hands down. Yes, all the money spent on the wedding is nice, but it's only one day. We really feel that the stuff we learned in premarital counseling will help our marriage for years to come. And I truly feel every couple should do it, regardless of religion or age. Think of it this way: The day you marry, the odds are already against you. 56% of marriages end in divorce. Which side do you want to be on? We spend so much money on one day, and over half end in divorce; why not take some time and some of that money and invest in the future?

For me, I also personally believe that couples should seek counseling outside of what the church requires (no matter what denomination).

In terms of the prenup, my personal feelings that are unless you have extreme extenuating circumstances, then doing a prenup (to me) says you are going into this with doubts and want to cover yourself in case. The way I have always looked at marriage (and I come from divorced parents) is it's for keeps, and prenups say the opposite. Instead of spending the money on a prenup for the "in case", why not spend that money on premarital counseling? I am not saying I know your circumstances, and I know certain circumstances call for prenups, but in regular couples, I am not for it. That's just my personal opinion, though.

ETA: If you would like the name of the person we used, PM me, and I will gladly give it to you. I will tell you she was in DE, but if you are willing to travel (we only did 5 sessions), she comes highly recommended by many professionals and pastors/priests. That is how we got her name.

TNMurray · July 2010

I say it is a must. It is usually the second question people ask after what is your date. I think pre-nup are needed for older couples and people with childres because they have more to loose. Being young you might not have anything to loose. Im thinking about getting one that just say we wont pay allemoney in the case of a divorce.

flawlessfay · July 2010

I defiant plan on doing it... We have been together for 7 years; I was just so surprised at how some of the females I talk to just shut down the idea. Then again, I am judging but they don’t have the best relationships or even backgrounds from the conversations they have at work. As far as the pre-nup, its not something that we have even talked about but we both have investments (he has more than I as far as real estate and so on but I have a decent family background). I am really not looking to go the whole traditional church counseling. I am a Christian but I take more of a realistic approach.

Megstar17 · July 2010

I think that premarital counseling is a great idea, and even though I'm not Catholic or getting married in a church, I think that it is smart how some churches require it. FI and I have lived together for a year, get along great, and fight extremely rarely, but I still want us to do it, just so that we are prepared for anything that may come in the future. I feel like that it is something that can only help, and never hurt. We are hoping that we can find an officiant who will do pre-counseling for us as well, so that way s/he get to know us and that can make the ceremony a little more personal as well. We never even discussed a pre-nup, I guess because we live together, and our finances are pretty much shared already.

Maureen679 · July 2010

We did the pre-cana as it was required with our church to get married there. Fiance was not into but at the end of the day he enjoyed it and we took a lot from it. I think it was worth it but a lot of it was meant for younger couples who have not lived a way from home. It went over money, what to expect living together, etc. I have not lived at home for almost 11 years and we have lived together for 8 of hose so we are used to how to split the money to pay bills, what to save, etc. As for the pre-nup not for us. Everything we have we got together.

LadyJ10 · July 2010

We didn't have traditional pre-marital "counseling," but actually went through a marriage course through church. Although it was biblically based, it was extremely pragmatic/realistic, so please don't naturally assume that these things are mutually exclusive!

If anyone is interested, here is the website for the course: http://alphausa.org/Groups/1000042047/Marriage_and_Marriage.aspx - they run them throughout the US, and you don't have to be any specific denomination or ever Christian to participate.

As for a pre-nup, I have to disagree with MBR -- I don't think it means that you are doubting the success of your marriage! I think that for some couples it makes a world of sense, especially under certain circumstances (trusts, other inheritances, etc)! If you're concerned about alimony, etc, it might be a good idea to look into one!

delicatefew · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_pennsylvania-philadelphia_premarital-counseling-premarital-agreement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:105Discussion:ef7c03b5-5697-4ec0-9da4-213665b1dfe0Post:8eae05a1-c8bc-464a-bd39-eae4ef3cabd9">Re: Premarital counseling and premarital agreement</a>:
[QUOTE]I say it is a must. It is usually the second question people ask after what is your date.
Posted by TNMurray[/QUOTE]

Really? I can't imagine anyone asking this question besides overly nosy inlaws or something.

And wtr to prenups, they're designed to protect you in terms of asset division in the event of divorce and also death, so I agree with LadyJ that signing one isn't the same as having a pessimistic outlook on your marriage. Here's a good article about them from today's Journal:

<a href="http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703280004575309013835978070.html" rel="nofollow">http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703280004575309013835978070.html</a>

Ms.BriarRose · July 2010

FYI, I did say for extreme circumstances it's okay. I understand that there are things that come up that are best protected under a prenup. But if you are a regular couple with no extenuating interests, then I really feel that it's unnessary. That's just my opinion though.

Premarital counseling and premarital agreement

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