Living With Another Couple

bsidebella · May 2010

BF and I are getting a new apartment in August. Recently, he told me that his friend and co-worker of 3 years ("D") and D's girlfriend "K" are also looking for an apartment. He asked if it would be okay if he invited them to live with us, and we would split the cost of a 2-bedroom. I didn't really have a problem with it. It would definitely ease some financial burden and I like D and K a lot. We've all hung out together, have similar lifestyles. None of us are drinkers or partyers. Only the boys smoke and they're willing to go outside to do so. K and I are both neat freaks. D has shared a house with 3 other people before. We all cook. It seems like a pretty good set-up and all 4 of us are happy about it.

The thing is, a lot of people, when I tell them we're moving in with another couple, tell us it's a mistake. That hanging out with someone is different than living with them. Then what happens if one of us breaks up or if there's a fight, etc. Whenever someone strongly voices their opinion, I ask if they've lived with another couple before. They've all said no.

Has anyone else lived with another couple? Even if you didn't, does anyone have any advice or insight?

jeanacorina · May 2010

We lived with 2 other couples.

It was horrible.

I'm not saying you shouldn't, but living with other people IS different than hanging out. I've had several roommate situations, and all ended with some negative feelings. You get to know your friends a LOT better than you maybe should.

You're going to hear them having sex. They're going to stay up later and have the TV too loud when you need to be up at 6am. Someone's going to install surround-sound and that is a TERRIBLE idea. You're going to cook dinner for two, and leave the pots and pans while you eat. Then they're going to come home hungry and be upset that they can't cook in the messy kitchen. They won't say anything about it. Someone will leave pizza in the fridge for a month.

You won't all be ready to move out at the same time, and THAT will be awkward.

If someone breaks up (don't pretend it never happens, you don't know everything about their relationship) that is also awkward.

Someone is going to be too overbearing. Someone won't feel like it's really their "home" because other people have taken over. Someone will leave cigarette butts on the porch. Someone will get tired of ALWAYS being the one to do the dishes.

It's not a great idea, but you don't have to take my word for it. I'm just saying, living alone with your SO is the best situation, emotionally and for most friendships.

noelle24 · May 2010

I'll be upfront. I've never lived with a couple. But, here are my two cents anyway:

Living with another couple just seems to me like it would come with all the normal roommate drama (like dishes, loud noises, etc.) PLUS the added stress of dealing with another couple's relationship drama. It's been bad enough for me to be stuck between two roommates who don't like each other, but at least have separate bedrooms. I would never want to be stuck with a couple if the relationship goes south and they still have to share space.

Plus, I'm probably biased. I am SO over being LDR and living with roommates, and just want to live with FI. And JUST FI. I can't imagine *finallly* moving in with him and then STILL have to live with other people. So I'm having trouble imagining myself in your situation

bsidebella · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living-another-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:5fc5c438-5aa8-4d9b-b32b-39e3b7a2ca97Post:d1ffd9f9-11f9-4a86-8de0-25f35b296afc">Re: Living With Another Couple</a>:
[QUOTE]I can't imagine *finallly* moving in with him and then STILL have to live with other people. So I'm having trouble imagining myself in your situation
Posted by noelle24[/QUOTE]

That's the only thing I was hesitant about. I've been waiting to move in with BF since January of <em>last year</em>. Now that we're finally on the cusp of moving, he wants to add D and K into the mix. I think he's worried about the financial burden - I currently do not bring in a paycheck. BF can certainly handle paying for an apartment himself, but I think my status freaks him out and he's using D and K as a cushion. But he's adamant that this will work out.

Button5807 · May 2010

Don't do it!

I've done it and we don't even speak to the other couple anymore. It ruins the friendships and puts a lot of strain on the relationship. It's way more amped then roommate conflicts.

notquiteblushing · May 2010

I wouldn't do it if you could afford not to. When I was dating a guy with roommates it felt like I was dating all three of them. You don't want to know friends that well. It just makes for lots of drama.

bsidebella · May 2010

Ugh. *headdesk* *headdesk* I knew this was going to be a bad idea. Not posting - moving in with another couple. The post got me to consider things I hadn't. Now I feel stuck. The biggest issue is the golden rule, as in "he who has the gold, makes the rules". Right now, the BF is the one with the gold. I don't know how to convince him otherwise.

KD+BC · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living-another-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5fc5c438-5aa8-4d9b-b32b-39e3b7a2ca97Post:1d819258-6ead-4124-8a2f-7ba13254101f">Re: Living With Another Couple</a>:
[QUOTE]Ugh. *headdesk* *headdesk* I knew this was going to be a bad idea. Not posting - moving in with another couple. The post got me to consider things I hadn't. Now I feel stuck. The biggest issue is the golden rule, as in "he who has the gold, makes the rules". Right now, the BF is the one with the gold. I don't know how to convince him otherwise.
Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]

Yes, he has the money but you are a partnership. If you don't want to move in with another couple, you don't have to. You should sit down with your bf and discuss this. Just like anything else in a relationship, it's all about communication.

MidniteRae · May 2010

Yes I have. I'm not going to post about it because this is a public board. PM me for details.

bakes218 · May 2010

The whole thing sounds like a bad idea. The other couple, him feeling so strongly about getting roomates, and you not bringing in a paycheck. I don't think any of it is a good idea. I would never expect someone to support me...especially if we were not even married. How old are you and BF and how long have you ben dating?

jeanacorina · May 2010

Bella, let him read this thread and see if it affects his decision at all. I assume he's never lived with another couple, and some of us have.

hetshup · May 2010

Please don't do it. When you move in with someone romantically, you need to time to adjust to each other. You are not living in a frat house, you will hate it. Oh, don't get me wrong, you might love it for a while, but eventually you will hate it. I love my roomie, but I want to smack her half the time, and when FI is there, it's even worse.

zaneopal · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living-another-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5fc5c438-5aa8-4d9b-b32b-39e3b7a2ca97Post:d1ffd9f9-11f9-4a86-8de0-25f35b296afc">Re: Living With Another Couple</a>:
[QUOTE]Plus, I'm probably biased. I am SO over being LDR and living with roommates, and just want to live with FI. And JUST FI. I can't imagine *finallly* moving in with him and then STILL have to live with other people. So I'm having trouble imagining myself in your situation
Posted by noelle24[/QUOTE]

I don't know how biased that is. I know how you're feeling too.

Bside, I would definitely show BF this thread. While I never "officially" lived with another couple, there were times when I started to threaten charging my ex-roommate's then-BF rent. He stayed over every night, had clothes in her closet, left his school books there, had taken over shelves in the fridge, etc. And everything that Jeana described happened.

I couldn't wash my own dishes because the sink was piled high with their dishes and the stove was covered with pots and pans caked in various degrees of stale food. They had loud sex every night, and the walls were paper thin. I had early classes and this was especially annoying as it would go on into the wee hours. I had to dash out of bed in the morning because if I didn't beat them into the bathroom, it was going to be occupied for an hour or more. I heard all their fights. I had to deal with not having any shelf space in the fridge for my own food, and if I dared move any of the BF's (as he stole "my" shelf), my roommate b*tched me out.

To boot, *she* kicked *me* out, citing a number of reasons, including I didn't respect her and her BF enough. Whatever.

I'm not saying every situation will be like this, but if you can avoid it, I would.

zipis1 · May 2010

I don't live with another couple, but I do live with two other guys and my BF.

I haaaaaate it. Seriously, seriously hate it. Yeah, there're the normal roommate issues (for the love of God stop leaving your crap everywhere! The dishes and trash are bad enough, but WTF is with all the nasty, crusty socks everywhere!? I mean EVEYWHERE! GAH!), along with some worse-than-usual roommate issues (one roommate managed to poop so hard it splashed out of the toilet and onto the floor and he DIDN'T CLEAN IT UP!

And he leaves blood everywhere from his bedsores!), but it's also been the biggest source of strain my my relationship.

When I come home, I can't just snuggle on the couch with BF or play around, because it annoys the others. We can't make food for just each other or else we get pouted at. We can't have photos of ourselves anywhere else because the others think it's weird and don't want it in public space. Since our room is the only place that's "ours" we have no room in our room because there's four years and two people's worth of possesions taking up a teeny tiny space. Valentines, birthdays, Christmas, etc., forget having quiet/romantic evenings at home because the others are there. People try to just walk into our room all the time without even knocking. If we have a fight we have trouble letting it out/discussing it because we don't want the others in our business but there's no way to keep it from them. The list of issues goes on and on and on. And we were friends with both of these other people beforehand (still am with one. Nasty Blood and Poop Guy will likely never be spoken to by either of us again because we now near-hate him).

Basically, living with other people when also living with your SO can end up making you feel like you and said SO are just roommates til bedtime due to the way you have to interact in order to maintain household peace, and it SUCKS.

If you have to, show your BF my post. I will never, ever again live with other peole at the same time as I live with BF unless our financial situation is DIRE.

Haaaaaaaate *seethes*

PaigeMcC · May 2010

zipis - all I got was to bedsores and I had to stop reading. DISGUSTING!

hetshup · May 2010

How does he have bedsores but can use the toilet?

noelle24 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living-another-couple?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5fc5c438-5aa8-4d9b-b32b-39e3b7a2ca97Post:e4aff7aa-df2d-4640-bf91-2e703ab5fe09">Re: Living With Another Couple</a>:
[QUOTE]How does he have bedsores but can use the toilet?
Posted by hetshup[/QUOTE]
This was my question. If you can get up and move around, why do you have bedsores?

zipis1 · May 2010

It IS disgusting, Paige! Thank God our lease is up at the end of June and I can then forget about how horrbile the last year with that man was (and there are other things regarding him, but it would be a novel to post about and I don't want to ruin everyone else's day with the nightmare).

But hey, you made it pased the disgusting part. After that was the actual relationship-advicey-stuff that may actually help Bella (whom I'm sure would not have to put up with half the crap I have with her roommates). :P

zipis1 · May 2010

Heck if I know. They may not actually be bedsores, but they're sores of some kind and they bleed everywhere (toilet, wall, chairs, etc) and he doesn't clean it up. Most of his time is spent in his car (he's a delivery boy) or in bed; he only ever gets up to use the bathroom or walk to the car.

noelle24 · May 2010

Okay, that just killed my appetite for the afternoon.. Blech.

bsidebella · May 2010

Wow -- so many responses *daze*

I'm gonna be quick cus I just woke up and have to be clean, dressed and out of the house in 30 minutes.

bakes - we are both 23. We have been dating for 2 years, but have been close friends for five years. He has been supporting me since December, because my mother won't. That's a very long story I won't get into right now.

I have shown BF this thread (or what was here several hours ago...) and he is still convinced we're going to make this work. What happened next makes me feel, actually, a little better. And I hope it makes you guys feel better for me, if at all possible.

Noting my concern, BF sat down with D, the guy of the other couple, and voiced them on my behalf. D was understanding and remided BF that he has lived with roommates before, and it was all about setting boundries. Together, they pulled up 2 checklists of questions for potential rommates to answer/consider before moving in together, and went through everything.

When I visited BF at work, he showed me the list and we went off by ourselves to discuss.

I gotta say, I was impressed. BF and D covered a lot and were very organized. They both want the ruling of no parties, of chore lists, of weekly clean-ups, of guest rulings, etc. Of course, everything wil be discussed in full in a week or two after K and I graduate from our respective colleges.

But hearing that D and BF were so organized, and that D understood all my concerns made me feel a lot more confident.

So this thread actually did help, a lot. I understand the worries all of you guys have and I really appreciate it. Your advice did not fall upon deaf ears. By showing the BF the thread, he saw how worried I was and then did something about it.

Whew that was a lot to type out ... and now I have 10 minutes to get out the door but worth it

jeanacorina · May 2010

I think your BF and D sound like really nice guys to actually take your concerns seriously. That's great.

I do feel better, in a way. But on the other hand, I still feel apprehensive. Boundaries aren't always respected, and some people get too comfortable. But the guys are showing a lot of maturity. So, I mean, that's obviously good.

The best I can really do is wish you luck, and a lot of patience. Even the best roommates in the world are never perfect ones.

bsidebella · May 2010

Thanks, jeana

How about this: if I ever come on TK and complain about my living arrangements, you get to sing the I Told You So Song and do the dance that comes with it ;-)

jeanacorina · May 2010

Oh, I totally will. I promise!

It's one of those things that USUALLY doesn't work out but once in a blue moon it might. So hopefully you get a blue moon. If not, It's just one of those life lessons you have to learn yourself. lol

I do want to know how it goes. I really, REALLY hope you come back and say "JEANA WAS WRONG! Roommates are AWESOME!"

Just make sure you wait a couple of months before you do. Things seem to go downhill the longer everyone lives together. By the end of our second year I was ready to kill someone.

bsidebella · May 2010

We're only signing a 12-month lease, so all we gotta do is get through a year!

Button5807 · May 2010

If Jeana is ever wrong I'll eat my hat ;-)

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