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Help! telling my mom im moving

Hi my name is ali and i am 21 years old. Me and my boy i mean fiance just got engaged! we have been together 3.5 years. I love him so much. I live with my parents currently and he lives with his. We each have a cat. Mine lives at my house and his lives at his house. But they are both ours. We are also adopting a beautiful puppy in two weeks. We love animals and thats a major part of our realtionship. I am a nursing student and i will be graduating in sept. I want sooo bad to move in with him and his parents, we picked his house because my mom does not want another dog or his cat. Plus his parents have the extra room. no i have never been on my own and this would be the first time moving out. So how do i tell my mom im moving out. oh and ps i work at the same place as my mom in differnt departments. shes med billing and im med asst. thanks so much for any advice!!!!

Re: Help! telling my mom im moving

  • I...don't mean to be mean or anything, but...you just tell her?  You're 21 years old.  You can do what you want.

    P.S.  You would not be moving into his house.  You would moving into his parents' house.  Are they okay with this?  They're the people you need to be worried about.  Are you going to be paying rent?
  • I agree, I would be asking his parents about their thoughts on this.  Are they going to expect you to pay rent?  If so, how much?  What about help out with chores around the house?  Will they allow you and your fiance to share a room or have privacy?  Are you and your fiance going to be able to focus on your studies if you are living together?  Will his parents be ok with you two getting a dog and bringing it to their house (puppies can be very destructive)?  Will the two of you have time to train the puppy with work and school?

    I am not anti-moving in, these are just some issues I think you should think about.  Personally I would not want to go right from living with my parents to living with someone.  I think people do better if they live on their own for a bit and get used to doing chores, budgeting, etc before moving in together, but that's just me.
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  • we have already discused it with his parents and they are cool with everything. the puppy was kinda his moms and my idea. i just dont want my mom to flip out. That's scarying me the most. I dont want to upset her i just want her to understand. I think she's going to think im chosing his family over mine but its just because of extra room.
  • In Response to Re: Help! telling my mom im moving:
    [QUOTE]we have already discused it with his parents and they are cool with everything. the puppy was kinda his moms and my idea. i just dont want my mom to flip out. That's scarying me the most. I dont want to upset her i just want her to understand. I think she's going to think im chosing his family over mine but its just because of extra room.
    Posted by aliimarie29[/QUOTE]
    Why are you so worried about your mother's reaction?  Soon you and your fiance will be married and you two will have to start making decisions about what is right for the two of you and not worrying about what other people will think or say
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  • your right, guess i just needed to hear someone say it, well i guess here goes nothing.
  • Just tell her.

    Good luck!

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  • So, my mom totally flipped out and was very angry. I have always been someone who has tried to make everyone else happy. I think its time that i make myself happy. How long should i wait to move out now. She was also terribly mean. I need to get out of this situation. I was really upset all night and i really appreciate all the advice.

    Thanks,
  • What was she angry about?  Does she disapprove of you living with your fiance before you're married?  Or does she just not like the idea of you being out on your own--because if so, that's very controlling, and she's probably not a very healthy person to be around.  If you can tell us more about what she said to you, I might be able to give you some more focused tips.

    You should maybe wait a little bit to see if she calms down so that you can leave on good terms- ideally, you don't want to move out while she's still angry at you.  But if she doesn't calm down, then I'd say you should go ahead and move out.  Like you said, you need to do what's right for you.
  • I'm going to play devil's advocate here - 

    1) Your mom may be of the mindset that if you're old enough to live with your FI, then  you're old enough to do so in an apartment, not his parent's house. She may view this move as a way for you to "play house" with your FI while avoiding what she considers "adult responsibilities."

    2) Are you financially tied to your mother? Do you share a cell phone plan, insurance, or anything else that has a binding contract? If so do you already pay your portion or are you making arrangements to pay her for your part?

    Remember, our parents have lived longer than we have - sometimes they have reasons for their actions. What are her reasons for not being happy with you moving out? 
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  • I'm just going to be upfront here: I think moving in with your FI in his parents house is a terrible idea. And your Mom likely feels that way as well. I just don't think it would be a healthy dynamic for your relationship to have your FI's parents around all the time, and I could quickly foresee issues arising surrounding bills and who pays for what, who's responsible for what, etc. As my boss says, "It's not natural for free thinking adults to live together unless they sleep together". And she says it in the context of adult children living at home. 

    If you are genuinely ready to move out, get an apartment with your FI for just the two of you. If you can't afford that right now, stay at home until you can. If you're not ready to live with him alone, stay at home until you are.

    FWIW, my Mom was a little unhappy when I told her FI would be moving in with me (in my own apartment). We were 20 I believe. I listened to her concerns and rationally explained to her why we wanted to do this, and she came around. A year later when we decided to buy a house together (we were not engaged yet at the time), she was all for it and really excited. Parents know more than we do, and only want the best for us. Often when they challenge you, it's for your own benefit. Listen to what your Mom has to say, and what her concerns are. She likely has some valid points. Respond to her in an adult way - don't pout or whine - that won't get you anywhere.
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  • You're gonna have to start making your own decisions. I hope that you contribute to his family. Why can't you just tell your mother that you're moving in with his parents because they have the room? Or... you could just wait until you can both move out and live together? Also, if you're getting a puppy be careful. If you aren't ready to devote all your time to taking care of it, then don't do it. I hate it when I see college students get a dog and just crate it all the time, forgetting their responsibilites because the puppy was too cute to resist and they just "don't have time to walk it." If you're a responsible person, then by all means go for it, and I wish you happyness. I got my dog and cat before I moved out and it has been a lot of work, and if I went back in time, I'd do the same thing all over again because she is wonderful, depsite her princess-attitude.

    Good luck in all that you do!
  • From my own experience, moving in with someone else's parents isn't really "moving out." I moved in with my FI (boyfriend at the time)'s father when I was 18. FI did not live with us and I had my own room. However, since FI's father was the "real adult" in the house, he made a bunch of rules for me and tried to take over my life (making me go to certain schools, etc, etc, - won't get into the details.) I found that moving in with his father was essentially just moving in with a different parent - I wasn't independent at all and I was miserable. I wound up moving out after a few months.

    If you're still set on doing this, okay. Your mom can't stop you. But I would seriously advise you to wait until you can get your own place, either by yourself, with some friends, or with your FI. You can't be truly independent when living under someone else's house.
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  • Your mother would like it if you got married FIRST, and then began your life as a married couple in an apartment that you share with your new husband.

    So you need to stop using these pets as manipulations and justifications as to why you MUST go live over at FI's parents' house starting RIGHTHISMINUTE.

    Keep working and start saving money.  Work on your classes because you have to go to school until you graduate in September.   Work on revising your resume and applying to places you want to work - and tell them that you will be available starting October 1.  Work on planning a wedding.  Go look at apartments with FI.  

    There's a long list of things you can do RIGHTHISMINUTE.   

  • In Response to Re: Help! telling my mom im moving:
    [QUOTE]Your mother would like it if you got married FIRST, and then began your life as a married couple in an apartment that you share with your new husband. So you need to stop using these pets as manipulations and justifications as to why you MUST go live over at FI's parents' house starting RIGHTHISMINUTE. Keep working and start saving money.  Work on your classes because you have to go to school until you graduate in September.   Work on revising your resume and applying to places you want to work - and tell them that you will be available starting October 1.  Work on planning a wedding.  Go look at apartments with FI.   There's a long list of things you can do RIGHTHISMINUTE.   
    Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]This
     is very good advice.  And if you follow it my  guess is your mother will start to realize how mature and responsible you are becoming, and that you are ready to live outside of the home with your soon to be husband.
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  • And in terms of getting a puppy... I was 25 and out of grad school before we got a puppy, and I did not realize how much WORK it was going to be. I cannot even imagine having one as a young student, especially in someone else's home. If the puppy is truly the only reason you want to move out... then just wait until you are married.
    Seriously, having a dog is a HUGE responsibility and they are so much harder than cats.
  • BunnyChiiBunnyChii member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary
    edited February 2012
    In Response to Re: Help! telling my mom im moving:
    [QUOTE]And in terms of getting a puppy... I was 25 and out of grad school before we got a puppy, and I did not realize how much WORK it was going to be. I cannot even imagine having one as a young student, especially in someone else's home. If the puppy is truly the only reason you want to move out... then just wait until you are married. Seriously, having a dog is a HUGE responsibility and they are so much harder than cats.
    Posted by cwaggoner07[/QUOTE]
    This. My parents actually adopted a puppy last year from this young man who had just graduated from college and was in his first "real job." Unfortunately, he didn't realize how many hours he'd have to spend at work, often working over 12 hours a day. He had gotten a puppy after taking the job, but quickly realized that he couldn't just crate her for 12+ hours a day. It wasn't fair to her. 

    It was obvious that he was very upset about having to give her up, but he had no choice. Life situations change so much, especially when you're still in college. Honestly, having a cat is NOT like having a dog at all. I don't plan on having a dog until long after I'm out of grad school, honestly. It's just too much responsibility. 
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  • Sydney91Sydney91 member
    100 Comments
    edited February 2012
    My parents moved in together as soon as my mom graduated high school (dad was 25 I believe). My mom was escaping her parents, who are nice enough people if you aren't their daughter. This was temporary until my they got married and moved out. 32 years later, they still live 200 feet from my grandma (dad's mom). We are a farming family, and grandma comes over at least once a day, but they are in full control of their lives. All I'm saying is moving in with future in-laws is not always a bad thing. My mom made it through a year in the same house with her FMIL that didn't like her without any fireworks and they are good friends today. My mom never challenged her FMIL under her roof. That's the key to success. Always know who is boss and when they are allowed to exercise their authority. When you move in with his parents, they are the bosses, and it's your fiance's duty to help you mediate any issues. It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with them. Make sure you keep that and it should be just fine. You will get an in-depth look at the way he grew up, which can be very valuable in understanding how your fiance thinks and what makes up his decisions. Good luck!

    I'm sorry your mom reacted the way she did. If she's trying to keep you there longer, I would get out now because it'll be the same scene when you are married and move into your own place with your H. If she has valid concerns about you moving into the in-laws house, listen and really think them over before you make your final decision. Get your mom to explain exactly what she means so you don't misunderstand any of it. Try for a calm and rational approach  on both parts so the conversation doesn't become a fight. Ask questions of your mom and avoid immediate feedback. Good luck here too!
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  • I really advise against moving in with his parents.  I moved in with a former fiance and his parents at one point, and while we were struggling anyway, it made it worse and eventually cause our breakup because I couldn't deal with living with them.  If you want to live with him, you need to get your own place.
  • I'll give you a bit of advice as I am 22 and currently in your situation.
    Best advice I can give you as a student is to not completely move out of your parents house. Especially in the beginning, incase something goes wrong and you realize you cannot live with his parents. What I do is during the school week live at his house (he's super close to my school) and on the weekends I spend time at home and work (work is closer to parents). 
    1) Legally I am still living with them which means I still get health insurance. 
    2) If something went wrong I could move back home in a instant
    3) I can retreat there if I feel like I need my own space for awhile.
    His parents were charging me rent but now that I am making less money they are not. If they decide not to charge rent make sure you help out (ex. replace goods that you use up, buy a lot of your own food etc.) Do the dishes when you see them in the sink that sort of thing. Be grateful and everything will go well. His parents drive me nuts sometimes, especially because I am not a morning person and they want to always talk in the mornings. 
    Granted I moved in 8 months after starting to date him because it was a smart financial move for me (no more dorming)! Your parents might enjoy having you around a couple days a week mine sure do!
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