Okay, this is going to be long. I'm sorry, but I really need the advice. Here's a little bit of background on the issue:
My fiance's sister has always been a little wacky. She's super attention seeking and has all these... umm.. 'quirks' I guess you can call it. She does have a psychiatric history, claiming to have bipolar disorder, OCD, SADs, and whatever other psychiatric condition that she hears about on television. (I know this sounds very insensitive, but as a nurse and someone that grew up around true mental illness, I can honestly testify that she suffers from something called Borderline Personality Disorder and really nothing else. I've witnessed her watching TV commercials where they advertise for psychiatric drugs and she's like "I think I have that!" and will pretty much add it to her list that she tells everyone she comes in contact with about. The more illnesses she has, the more attention she gets.)
So when I met my fiance, his sister sort of latched onto me. She is a very nice person, just a little eccentric, so we were friends and would hang out and all that stuff. One day she said to me "When I get married, you'll be my maid of honor. Will I be yours?" and I told her no... it would be my best friend that I grew up with and have known for more than 20 years. She was very hurt by this and started crying. I tried to explain to her that I've only known her for a year and that my maid of honor is practically a sister to me. She said she understood but was very quiet and pouty for a good week or so after this happened. I wasn't even engaged at this point, either.
Well, my fiance and his sister do not exactly get along. They are both in their 30s and still fight like children. Honestly, the sister will sit there and pick at him about something and is just absolutely relentless. Then he will usually tell her after 30 minutes of agreeing with her to shut up and a screaming match will ensue. It doesn't matter if this happens in their living room or at a fancy restaurant. She always ends up screaming at him and making a scene until he gets mad and storms out. This also happens EVERY TIME we are together, no matter what the occasion.
So he asks me to marry him. Of course I'm very excited and happy and can't wait to get married. We do a videochat with his family (we live 400 miles away) and show the ring to his mom and dad. His sister sees the ring and says congrats. Everyone is happy.
The next day she texted my fiance and asked if we picked out people for the bridal party yet. He said no, but he didn't want siblings in the wedding party. (I was unaware that he was having this conversation with her.) So I was in the middle of texting someone when she called me... I picked up without realizing it. I stared at my phone for a second not realizing what happened, then it dawned on me that someone had called and I should probably say hello at some point or another.
Me: Hello?
Her: Hi! I was just wondering if you guys did anything with the bridal party yet?
Me: Ummm.... well, I know who my maid of honor is at this point. That's about it for the girls.
Her: Oh yeah? Well. So. That's neat. When do you think you'll know your bridesmaids?
Me: Not really sure... (I can sense that she's really wanting me to ask her. She starts with a guilt trip.)
Her: Yeah... So she's gonna be your maid of honor? Hmm... You know you're my best friend, right?
(At this point I don't know what to do because I was caught completely off guard with the phone call and I know she's trying to get me to ask her to be in the wedding. I want to keep the peace with his parents and all and I know that her mother wanted her in the wedding, but I really didn't think it would be a good idea)
Me: Yeah, I guess.
Her: I'm surprised you haven't asked me to be in the wedding yet.
Me: I-uh-well-um...
*very awkward silence*
Me: Well.. I mean, do you want to be a bridesmaid? I know you don't have a job and all and it can be expensive having to pay for some of the stuff, you know?
Her: It's okay, I still get a monthly check and mom can help.
Me: Oh. I see.
Her: So yeah, it's no problem. I'd love to be in your wedding.
Wonderful. So then all of the problems started.
My fiance finds out about all of this. He is furious. He said he told her he didn't want siblings in the wedding because he didn't want her acting up at the wedding and all of that. I'm thinking, hey, how bad can it be?
Problem #1
The cough.
She's got a cough. It's hard to explain, but she goes into these weird coughing fits that sound unlike anything I've ever heard before. It doesn't sound like a cough... it sounds like a screech. And they last for about 5 minutes at a time and they happen quite often. If we go out to dinner for an hour and a half there will be at least 6 5 minute coughing fits. So now I'm thinking "what are we gonna do about the cough?"
My fiance thinks the cough is for attention, that it's not real. He says she does it whenever the attention is taken off of her. She was given medication for the cough but she does not take it, claiming it makes her hyper.
He brought the subject up with his mother, letting her know my concerns that she'll cough through the entire ceremony. She says not to worry, she'll make sure she takes the medicine. The sister finds out about this conversation and of course flies off the handle. Then she quits the wedding and storms upstairs.
At this point my fiance says "Fine. I'm not begging her to be in this, I don't even want her in this. Oh well. Done and over with, problem solved."
FMIL starts crying, sister crying. Sister wants back in the wedding. FMIL starts begging, so I get involved and say "Listen, neither of you guys can carry on a conversation for more than 8 minutes without a giant fight happening. It'll always be that way. But I cannot have you in and out of the wedding with every fight. This is it. You're either in or out. If you quit again you're done." So as of this point, she's in.
Problem #2
The Flowers
Well. I have allergies. Bad allergies. She has allergies. Bad allergies. I usually take Claritin-D in the AM, Benadryl in the evening, and get 2 allergy shots a week. She started getting allergy shots but stopped going to her appointments (my theory is they made her feel better and that wouldn't give her attention). So she hasn't had an allergy shot in over 2 years. She owns two cats, too (she says she's allergic to cats). She does not take anything orally for allergies.
She sends me a text with a little suggestion.
"I was thinking. 4 ur wedding u should get silk flowers. The real flowers will bother my allergies a lot so i dont know what u'll do about the bouquets"
Ugh.
My response
"I was planning on just having regular bouquets."
Hers
"Well thats gonna bother my allergies. Thats like me making u hold a cat for 45 minutes knowing how allergic u are, you know?"
You've gotta be kidding me.
My response
"Well maybe I can look into get you silk flowers for your bouquet."
Hers
"well even so ill still have everyone elses bouquet around me. maybe u should just get all silk flowers"
Me:
"Well... I wanted to have real flower bouquets."
Her:
"well i dont know what im gonna do then"
Ok. No flowers at my wedding I guess? That's kind of weird. So I'm trying to be understanding about everything and decide to look around and see if I can find options for flowers. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt because honestly, if someone made me sit in a room with a cat or hold a cat for 45 minutes, my skin would be in a burning rash and I'd be desperate for an inhaler to relieve my asthma. I mean, I think she should take medication and maybe start getting her shots again, but that seems unrealistic at this point. So I actually found a nice alternative to flower bouquets that seemed to work out well. They were a lot cheaper and very unique, so things seem okay at this point.
Problem #3
Passive-aggressive gripes about money
When I chose my bridesmaids dresses, I put a lot of thought into different factors. Each bridesmaid has a different body type, so they will all not be comfortable wearing the same thing. I looked at prices and comfort, because I didn't want to cost the ladies a fortune. So I found this very cute dress selection that has different styles that all coordinate together. It's pretty much the same dress except there's a halter, spaghetti straps, strapless, boatneck, and one comes with a little jacket thing. So all of the bridesmaids loved these dresses... and they cost $79.99 a piece. I didn't think that was a bad price considering some of the dresses were over $400. Well, before she bought her dress we went to the mall... she spent over $400 in one store alone. She bought stuff from 2 other stores, too, but I don't know how much she spent because I stayed on a bench while she shopped. She usually goes on a yearly retreat for one of her 'conditions' so someone posted on her Facebook page asking whether or not she was going.
"No, I'm going to be in my brother's and best friend's wedding, so that's costing me a fortune since I have to buy my own dress and pay for everything myself."
Then all of the comments on the thing start.
"Why doesn't the bride pay for the dress?"
"Ew, I wouldn't be in a wedding where the bride made me pay, that's insane!"
"Tell that bridezilla to pick a reasonable dress or maybe split the cost."
Um, excuse me, what? I thought my dresses were very reasonably priced and I told her beforehand that she would need to pay for things. If I could buy everyone's dress, I would, but I'm trying to pay for the rest of the wedding here on top of all of my other bills! I'm a full time student and I've been working close to 80 hours a week doing double shifts in the hospital to make enough money to afford what I can and she just sits home collecting a government check every month and living off of her parents (Who paid for her dress, by the way.) So I was a little hurt by these strangers calling me a bridezilla (I'm really not.) and I left a comment saying "I didn't think buying the dress would be such a burden. Especially because you were able to afford over $400 worth of clothes at (whatever the stores name was) and the dress was only $79.99. I thought that when we talked about you being in the wedding party and you said you had no problem paying for things that it was okay." Needless to say the whole post was deleted.
Problem #4
Tattoos
Hey, I'm all for tattoos. I don't have an issue with people who have them. But she asked me if I wanted her to cover her tattoo (On her left shoulder blade). I told her that since her dress had a little jacket with it that it should cover the tattoo so I don't see it being an issue. Then she asked about the tattoo on her foot... well, it's maybe the size of a quarter and hardly noticeable. So I told her exactly that and said she should be fine. By the end of the week she's posting pictures of her brand new tattoo all over facebook. The tattoo covers her foot and goes halfway up her leg. (This tattoo cost her $150, mind you.) So not that I'm really a blowhard when it comes to tattoos but... I mean, come on. I figured I'd just let it go and let her show the damn thing since another bridesmaid has a tattoo on her ankle and I can't ask one to cover and not the other. It looks ridiculous, though.
Problem # 5
The Bridal Shower
My MOH is planning a bridal shower (she had to tell me a date since I live out of state and need to beg for a weekend off from work to drive home). Well, the MOH has been emailing all of the girls in the bridal party asking for any input and ideas they may have. So sister calls the MOH and tells her that one thing that's super important to do: "You need to put somewhere on the invitations that people shouldn't buy the bride any lingerie because her breasts are so large that they won't look right in anything."
My MOH was like "are you serious?"
And she was.
Now, yes, I'm VERY top heavy and lingerie won't fit me properly... but it's something I've always been self conscious of and more than half the people there are going to be from the groom's side. These are people I've never met. I don't want them staring at my freakishly large boobs the first time I meet them! Jesus! So MOH does not put the special note.
Sister gets upset that her idea wasn't used.
Calls MOH and leaves a VM complaining about it. MOH calls back and tries to explain that she felt I would be uncomfortable with a message like that. Sister "Well you don't know her like I do!"
So now we add some real animosity to the mix.
Problem #6
The Dress
Oh, the dress. Well, since the very first day I've known this girl she's been a skinny little thing. Maybe weighing 110 and 5'10". So the wedding is in July and here comes March and she hasn't ordered or dress or anything yet. The place that we purchased the dresses from takes 10-12 weeks. So I call her and tell her that she needs to get the dress taken care of. She goes and gets fitted and orders the dress.
2 weeks ago I go home for a visit and get together with her. She looks great. Honestly. She put on some weight, but it looked very healthy. I asked her what she was doing and she said "I've been pigging out. I've been eating ice cream every night for like a month."
This raises a red flag with fiance.
"are you gonna fit into your dress?"
She says she should. I don't know how big she was when she actually went for her fitting because it had been a good 10 months since I saw her. So her mother says "I don't think it will fit."
So last week they go back to the store to try on the size she ordered, just to be on the safe side.
Doesn't fit. Doesn't zipper. She gained over 30 lbs since March... this was the first week of May.
They ask about ordering a larger size...No go. Won't be in on time. Even with a rush order it won't be in on time. So I get the phone call
Her: "The dress doesn't fit."
Me: "No kidding? Um.. Can they get you a bigger size?"
Her: "No. They said even with a rush order it won't be ready."
Me: "What about if you wore a shaper maybe?"
Her: "Still won't work. Zipper doesn't come close."
Me: "Ok. Um. Wow. Alright. Is there any way they can maybe take it out some?"
Her: "She said they can but it still probably won't fit."
Me: " Can they add extra material? I'm not really sure what to do here."
Her: "She said they don't have any material to add on, I asked. Do you think i can maybe go to a different store and get a different dress?"
Me: "Well... how different of a dress? I mean... I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything but I really had my heart set on the way those dresses coordinated together and they worked really well with my dress. I'm scared something from a different store might not match colors right and it'll stand out."
Her: "Well, I don't know what to do" and she hangs up.
Well.. I don't know what to do either. I mean... I'M NOT HAVING FLOWERS AT MY WEDDING BECAUSE I'M TRYING TO ACCOMMODATE HER. She's going to cough through the whole damn ceremony, her big old eye sore of a tattoo will be showing, did I mention she wanted to dye her hair fire red for the wedding and wear a halo of flowers? You know, the kind children wear when they are flower girls? Her and my fiance will probably get into a huge argument at some point during the reception, she'll tell anyone that will listen at the reception about the endless list of medical conditions she suffers from and will hit on any breathing male in eyesight- even if his girlfriend or wife is right there! And now she wants to wear a different dress altogether? Come on. Can I at least have some control over my wedding without being the bad guy here? I don't want to tell her to lose weight because she looks HEALTHY. But I don't want her to wear a different dress. These were the dresses I liked from the beginning and there were 4 different styles! It's not like the place ordered the wrong size, she admitted to eating ice cream pretty much every night!
So of course she posts on her damn Facebook page about "never thought I'd be on a diet. This sucks" so people, knowing how thin she is, start commenting asking why she's on a diet. Of course, "Well, I'm in the wedding and I can't fit into my dress and they can't get a new one in time. The bride doesn't want me to wear a different dress." So here comes the bashing of the bridezilla again! All of these people are flipping out talking about what a terrible person I am when I've tried so hard to make everyone comfortable and have a good time. Again, I picked different dresses for different body types. For shoes? Whatever the hell you want as long as they're white. I don't care if you wear flats, heels, whatever. Whatever you're comfortable in. Hair and makeup? Up to you. You can put it up, wear it down, get it done, whatever. Nails? Again, if you wanna get them done, great! If not, who cares? Bridesmaid from out of town needs a place to stay? Well, I can't pay for it all, but I'll try to split the hotel bill since you're spending all this money on me anyway. When my MOH told me she was throwing me a shower and needed me to be home for it, I cried and told her she didn't have to do that at all, I wasn't expecting one and am very grateful for it.
I haven't been demanding. I haven't been needy. I've been understanding of everyone's situation and I've really gone out of my way to accommodate people. Now my future sister-in-law is becoming a huge source of stress for me. I don't know what to do because at this point I'm ready to tell her she's out of the wedding, I'll pay for the dress, I don't care anymore. But this is my future sister in law and I don't want to cause a rift in the family. I spoke to my FMIL about some of the issues I was having and she just said "Oh, well, she has problems and you need to just be patient with her." But I HAVE been patient. I really have. (Oh, and while I was talking to the FMIL, sister is in the background eating a giant bowl of ice cream with chocolate syrup and whipped cream [video chat]). She's also very manipulative, so when someone makes her mad she tries to turn people against them (I've seen it with my fiance and one of her ex-friends). I'm worried that if I put my foot down and say no, she'll be pouting at the wedding and telling all of the relatives that she was a bridesmaid and I kicked her out because I wanted her to lose weight. I told her if she found a dress with the color matching, we might be able to do something... So far all of the colors have been off. So I just don't know what to do. Obviously planning a wedding is horribly stressful, especially when you are trying to handle a lot of the financial burden and you want to repeatedly hit one of your bridesmaids with a large, heavy object. So I'm scared that I'm being irrational and just letting the stress come out, but I REALLY don't want her to wear a different dress that doesn't match anything. Am I overreacting? My fiance says "Oh well, she's out of the wedding, end of story." But I just don't want to cause friction between us and his parents. I just want at least ONE thing to go my way with this damn wedding. Ugh, I don't know what to do. If you made it this far, thank you. This was quite a rant.