Dilemma with Rehearsal Dinner Etiquette!

eengel418 · January 2010

So I am having a major issue with our rehearsal dinner. We are planning on having a rehearsal dinner for the wedding party and immediate family (no children) only and then meet out of towners for cocktails later. We are trying to keep it simple because we will have half of our guests from out of town and just can't afford it. Well, here's the dilemma- me and my fiance have both of our married couple friends in our wedding (she's a bridesmaid and he's a groomsman). They have a teenage daughter. Well, how do I break it to them politely that I do not want their teenager at the rehearsal (no kids at all) without being a total b? Is that rude to ask that she stay at the hotel during this time? She's 16.

beatlesgirl25 · January 2010

I don't think you can do this. She's a minor and shouldn't be left alone, especially OOT in a hotel. How many other kids are you excluding to adhere to your rule and how old are they? Maybe if you had a babysitter for all of them (including the 16 year old), then that would be okay. I think you need to find a way to let her come... how much extra would it be for one person?

Koopa17 · January 2010

Ouch, if I were 16 I'd damn near kill my parents if they expected me to stay with a babysitter. Especially considering most babysitters tend to be under 16, haha.

beatlesgirl25 · January 2010

Koopa, it would definitely suck for the 16 year old, but it's just not right (or safe, IMO) for her to be left alone in a hotel room. I secretly think OP should let the kid come, especially since she is the child of WP members AND an OOT guest (which for me are two specifiers that would get her invited to my RD, and only one is needed).

amalama · January 2010

I would just invite her. Is she the only teenager, or at least the only out of town child of the WP? I think that is a fine distinction to make and not have to invite a ton of kids (if there are a ton of children other WP members).

Also, are you not letting your BMs bring their dates to the RD? I'm only asking because you word it like this is only a problem since they are both in the wedding. If that is your plan, I wouldn't do that either.

ring_pop · January 2010

I don't think it's very nice of you to leave OOT kids and minors on their own.

The only thing I can think of, is to spin it a little differently. Ask them if she'd like to do something else instead while you're all at the rehearsal. Do you have any friends or relatives close to her age who could take her out and show her around town?

Alternatively, is there anything you could do to scale down your RD so that you can afford to host the kids of the WP?

ootmother2 · January 2010

I can't imagine a 16 year old actually wantind to attend the RD of her parents geeky friends. None of you will be anywhere near cool enough for her.

But then, if she's left alone for the duration of the RD, ummm, I sure know what I would be doing at that age

Koopa17 · January 2010

Bealtes, I hear ya. I think she should be invited, and it should be left up to the parents as to what to do with the kid if she doesn't want to come. I was well behaved (at least out of town where I knew no one, haha) at 16 so I could have just stayed in the hotel for a few hours watching tv.

In any event, I don't see the point in not inviting 1 more person that probably won't want to come anyway!

beatlesgirl25 · January 2010

Oot, I agree. The girl will be bored to tears. But I think she should at least be invited so the parents have some options for how they want to deal with her during that time. Ditto whoever said to let her hang out with same-age relatives or family. That sounds more reasonable.

SarahSmile23 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dilemma-rehearsal-dinner-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ccfbe0d6-6b98-4ca5-8b14-2cbd9c589032Post:f34b048e-a72a-4f15-abaf-40f94fc112f2">Re: Dilemma with Rehearsal Dinner Etiquette!</a>:
[QUOTE]I can't imagine a 16 year old actually wantind to attend the RD of her parents geeky friends. None of you will be anywhere near cool enough for her. But then, if she's left alone for the duration of the RD, ummm, I sure know what I would be doing at that age ;)
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]

yeah, when i was 16 i would have preferred to stay in the hotel with a cell phone, a book, and the tv. ummm. is the RD anywhere near a movie theatre or some place where you could pay for her to be entertained?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · January 2010

If they lived in town, I'd totally tell you that you don't need to invite her. But what is she going to do for dinner by herself in a hotel room while everyone else is having a restaurant meal and cocktails?

SarahSmile23 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dilemma-rehearsal-dinner-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ccfbe0d6-6b98-4ca5-8b14-2cbd9c589032Post:ecc0789d-7110-42de-84f5-987e58174634">Re: Dilemma with Rehearsal Dinner Etiquette!</a>:
[QUOTE]If they lived in town, I'd totally tell you that you don't need to invite her. But what is she going to do for dinner by herself in a hotel room while everyone else is having a restaurant meal and cocktails?
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

yeah. and 16 is almost an adult. i'd invite her and let the parents/daughter decide. she probably won't come.

mags0607 · January 2010

I think the fact that she is an OOT minor, would sway me into inviting her to the rehersal dinner. We are getting married in New Orleans, so I would not leave a 16yo up to her own devices in the city. Who knows what she would get into. She might not want to come, but as her parents, I would feel bad leaving her to go out for dinners and cocktails in a strange city.

nightmare_of_beauty · January 2010

lol I'm only posting this because I work at a hotel....you are not allowed to leave anyone under the age of 18 alone in a hotel room. But unless she causes HUGE problems, I don't think anyone will find out. Make sure she doesn't loose her key!

aMrsin09 · January 2010

I'm really late to this, but if the WP have small kids, maybe HIRE the 16 yr old to babysitt the little ones.

banana468 · January 2010

I think the larger issue is that if they're traveling OOT for your wedding then that 16 YO you're not feeding which means that her parents will have to pay to feed her while they're in town for your wedding.

Normally it wouldn't be a big deal but I'd honestly ask the parents how they want to handle it.

And then plan your RD accordingly so you can afford it.

SarahPLiz · January 2010

YEah, but she is 16, not 2. Its not like she is going to run around the dinner spilling on them, or being a distraction.. She can act like a grownup for a few hours. Unless you were planning on including human sacrifice or an orgy at the RD, then its generally safe for a teenager to eat with her parents. Maybe then she can go back to the hotel to go to sleep while they went out for cocktails. Lock up the mini-bar, though.

betrothed123 · January 2010

Just invite her. While I don't think it would be a problem for her to sit in a hotel room for an hour or so, I do think you should invite her. It wouldn't put you out that much.

And I ditto the PP about inviting S/O of the WP. Do you plan on inviting them? Your wording makes it sound like you don't. That's just not cool.

eengel418 · January 2010

Thanks for all the replies! The other thing that i should have added is that we will be in downtown New Orleans, possibly having it in a place where minors aren't even allowed- still not sure yet about that though. We aren't having any of my first cousins (who are aged 20 to 40) at the RD so it just seems unfair to allow a 16 year old who isn't even family when none of my close cousins that are 15 years older than she is be able to come. After the dinner we plan on having cocktails somewhere to meet the other people where she wouldn't even be allowed. I don't know, i'm still confused as to what to do. Maybe I can ask her to babysit my other bridesmaid's kiddos. Do you think that would be rude?

banana468 · January 2010

Yes, it would be rude to ask her to be your babysitter.

I think you need to plan the RD around the invited guests and not vice versa.

If these people have to travel with their child in order to attend your wedding and since they're both in the BP, the polite thing to do is to invite the daughter to your RD.

If you want to go to an adult place, do it after the dinner when they can send her back to the hotel.

BecW2be · January 2010

If it was my kid, she wouldn't mind hanging out in the hotel room for a few hours. That would be much better than hanging out with dork adults or god forbid babysitting. I'd invite her out of courtesy, but I bet she'll hang back at the hotel.

I had a mortgage at 16, so I may be overestimating the maturity of most 16yr olds, but I don't see a problem with leaving a responsible 16 yr old at the hotel alone. With strict instructions not to leave the room, of course.

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