Moms and Maids

BM Drama

Is it inappropriate to tell a bm to not be a part of your wedding because they are causing too much drama, or should you suck it up and let them stay, and hope everything goes ok?  One of my bms has been pissy almost since the begining.  She threw a fit over what size dress she needed, and didn't initially want to pay the extra $30 for the plus size.  Then (and this is the abreviated version) she got angry over some Facebook posts (not related to the wedding) and decided that our friendship was on the line, and wanted to bow out of the wedding.  After some nasty emails we talked last Wednesday, and I thought we reached some common ground.  She wanted to stay part of the wedding, but I told her I would like to see things went between us and we could revisit it in the near future.  Well yesterday she sends me an email wanting to know if I had made a decision.  She said since she bought the dress, she should be in the wedding.  And that if she was in the wedding would dicate if she would even go.  I have know this girl since I was I child and I don't know how to handle this.  HELP!!!

Re: BM Drama

  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Well... you have two options.

    1. Decide now that you want to end your friendship.  If you know that you don't want to be friends with her in the future, then go ahead and kick her out.  Removing her will be a friendship-ending move.

    2. Take a deep breath.  She has the dress.  To minimize drama and problems, say to yourself now that all she has to do is show up the wedding.  Don't expect anything more of her at this point.

    Personally, I'd take option 2.  If you've known her for such a long time, ending a friendship seems sad.  I'd back off, be happy if she shows up, and begin repairing your friendship.
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    If you kick her out you will look (to put it frankly) like a bitch (I am not saying you are one, I'm saying you would look like one just to clarify). No matter what she did, you will look bad and she will look good. No one would blame her for not going to your wedding if you kicked her out of the WP. This is what I would do:

    1) Tell her she is still apart of your WP

    2) Talk wedding with her as little as possible (discuss only what she needs to know)

    3) Work on the friendship. It sounds like she is insecure about her weight and the dress probably brought up those insecurities.  You left out a lot of details about what is going on, but if you want to continue being friends with this girl you need to forget about the wedding and focus on what's going on in your friendship.


  • edited December 2011
    All good ideas!
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bm-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:82148c7e-f4a0-400c-924c-3af8fce0de33Post:40e7d7ab-c574-4245-9a7d-578089236756">Re: BM Drama</a>:
    [QUOTE]Let it go. If you kick her out, it's on you, despite the fact that she's being a pain. Grin and ignore it.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    As usual, I agree with Retread.
  • edited December 2011
    She is definitely insecure about her weight and the dress, and i tried to remind her that wedding sizes are never the same as real life sizes.  And sorry, I should have provided I little more background!  (Feel free to ask any questions!)  She got upset about some things my sister (the MOH) and I where talking about on Facebook that were political in nature.  She disagreed with our opinions, and got angry when we stayed firm with how we felt (I have a gov't and politics degree).  She doesn't have a lot of respect for other peoples opinions when they don't agree with hers.  She has called me b**chy and bossy, and I don't think that's right.  I think I could have been able to move past it all, but I feel like after I asked for a little time to think things over, she is bullying me into making a decision.  She repeatedly says I am throwing away a friendship when most of this drama is of her creation.  I know it probably sounds like I've already made up my mind!  She's angered the rest of the wedding party, so I know at least no matter what I decide, I have there support.  Thank you all!!!
  • edited December 2011
    You're 4 months away from your wedding, said you've worked on your issues with her in regards to the friendship, and she has the dress you wanted her to wear (that she apparently does not feel at all comfortable in, but purchased anyway) - and you feel you're being bullied when she asks if you'd made a decision yet?

    I'd be a little put off if I was her, too. Especially 4 months away from the wedding when she presumably needs to take off of work, make travel and lodging arrangements, etc. I don't blame her for wanting to know one way or another so that she can make final plans to attend.


    As PP's have said - you can let it go and try to repair your friendship, knowing that you have fundamental differences in political views (p.s. having a degree in politics does not make your opinion any more or less valid than someone elses) OR  you can kick her out of the wedding, end the friendship for good, and look like the "bad person" in the situation [and also be prepared to pay her back for the dress].
  • edited December 2011
    Oh! I didn't mean to make it seem like my degree made it seem like my opinion was more valid.  I'm all for the more opinions the better!  The bm in question says that she never knew that politics were so important to me.  That's why I mentioned I have a degree in it (I'm very bad withimportant details).  She initially created this drama and said she was bowing out of the wedding because she told me was putting politics before our friendship (this all started because of something my sister and I were talking about andshe spoke up and disagreed with) and now wants back in.  I'm afraid this is what I'm going to have to deal with every time I say something she doesn't like from now until the wedding.  As for the dress, she helped pick it out.  I let the bms pick thedress and it's the size she's unhappy with, and I can totally understand that, but it's not something I can control (we all know that bridal sizes are screwy!).
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bm-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:82148c7e-f4a0-400c-924c-3af8fce0de33Post:67dc23ca-d735-4544-a123-96cb209f25f1">BM Drama</a>:
    [QUOTE]Is it inappropriate to tell a bm to not be a part of your wedding because they are causing too much drama, or should you suck it up and let them stay, and hope everything goes ok?  One of my bms has been pissy almost since the begining.  She threw a fit over what size dress she needed, and didn't initially want to pay the extra $30 for the plus size.  Then (and this is the abreviated version) she got angry over some Facebook posts (not related to the wedding) and decided that our friendship was on the line, and wanted to bow out of the wedding.  After some nasty emails we talked last Wednesday, and I thought we reached some common ground.  She wanted to stay part of the wedding, but I told her I would like to see things went between us and we could revisit it in the near future.  Well yesterday she sends me an email wanting to know if I had made a decision.  She said since she bought the dress, she should be in the wedding.  And that if she was in the wedding would dicate if she would even go.  I have know this girl since I was I child and I don't know how to handle this.  HELP!!!
    Posted by stacelac[/QUOTE]

    JIC.
  • edited December 2011
    There are very few acceptable reasons to fire a bm/moh. Unless she has tried to seduce your fi, threatened or injured you, your loved one (including your pets), then you should not remove her from the wedding party. A heated political argument does not fit into any of those categories.

    Don't kick her out-she already said yes and has her dress. Let it go. You can decide after the wedding whether or not you want to work on this friendship.
                       
  • edited December 2011
    I know that I'm the minority here, but if you think that everytime you say something she doesn't like it will cause a problem and make her want to bow out again, I would not let her back into the wedding party.  Since she wants back in, though, I would offer to reimburse her for the dress.

    I had a similar situation with one of my BMs.  She had problems with me and some of the other BMs and bowed out after we got into a huge fight.  We haven't spoken since the argument, so just be prepared that this will probably end your friendship.  My BM hasn't expressed any interest in rejoining the WP, but if she did, I wouldn't let her because I wouldn't want to deal with all of those problems again.  Hopefully this helps!
  • edited December 2011
    First, thanks everyone for your thoughts.  It's gone beyond just the disagreement.  She Has called my fiance a jacka** because he disagreed too, and taken to namecalling with me.  She's pissed at another bm that she hasn't even met and I'm not even sure why.  I'm trying hard to look past it all, but I can't get over the personal attacks, and that's what I worry about continuing.  Argh!!! 
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bm-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:82148c7e-f4a0-400c-924c-3af8fce0de33Post:47e3f7ef-5daa-4e16-bd01-f83d6c7d3a70">Re: BM Drama</a>:
    [QUOTE]First, thanks everyone for your thoughts.  It's gone beyond just the disagreement.  She Has called my fiance a jacka** because he disagreed too, and taken to namecalling with me.  She's pissed at another bm that she hasn't even met and I'm not even sure why.  I'm trying hard to look past it all, but I can't get over the personal attacks, and that's what I worry about continuing.  Argh!!! 
    Posted by stacelac[/QUOTE]

    If you want to end the friendship for the sake of the relationship (because she is rude in general, etc.) then by all means, end the friendship. The position as a BM will end as a result... but in that instance, you do not need to say to her "You are no longer a BM". She'll figure it out if you end the friendship.

    if you are not prepared to do that, you cannot kick her out of the wedding party.
  • edited December 2011
    The way I see it is she already removed herself from the WP.  You didn't kick her out, and are under no obligation to let her back in. (It might look a little bad on your part if you didn't, but not nearly as bad as if you'd kicked her out.)  However, if you let her back in then decide you don't want her back in you'll have to keep her or seem like the bad guy. 
    So, you'll have to ask yourself...Is she a good enough friend to deal with this drama?  Is she normally like this, or is the wedding bringing out these bad qualities?  Do you have a lot of mutual friends/family that might be offended and/or take her side if you do drop her? 

    Also...if she normally isn't like this maybe there is something going on in her life that is causing her stress?  Maybe you should try to get to the root of the problem, and see if there is anything you can do?

    You can't let politics ruin your friendships.  I have friends that have different views from me, and I am passionate about politics.  We have very heated disagreements, call each other nasty names, and the next day we get over it.  Because if we didn't we'd have no friends. :D
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    Well, it turns out I don't have to make the decision after all.  I had planned to call her last night to talk but before I could I got an email from her saying that she had thought about everything that had happened and it had been over a week since she had emailed me asking for my decision on what I was going to do (it had only been since Wednesday and I told her I was going to call her that night)  she was going to bow out of the wedding.  AGAIN!  So, needless to say, that's it and no matter what, it's done and she is not going to be a part of it even if she want back in if she changes her mind again. 
  • KeelsmarksKeelsmarks member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Good riddance!

    She sounds like a royal pain in the a** and a terrible friend. I'd be thankful that she saved you the trouble of booting her behind out!  Just think of all he stress that you've now managed to avoid and breathe a sigh of relief. Ahhh.....

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