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fmil

kellyjohnson527kellyjohnson527 member
10 Comments
in Moms and Maids
I need advice/grounding.  My fmil is great, BUT my wedding is making her crazy.  She has very traditional attitudes about our wedding, ie. she said that she thinks my parents are responsible to pay for the entire wedding, and that she thinks she should pay for the reh. dinner.  For one, I totally disagree with her, and I think that the only people responsible for paying for our wedding is my fiance and I.

Anyway, it's nice that she wants to pay for the reh. dinner, but since it's our wedding, we'd like to have our reh. dinner at one of our favorite restaurants.  My fiance told his mom where we want the reh. dinner, but she told us that it's too expensive.  She's not poor, but since it's her money, I respect her right to do what she wants with it.  She then told us that she's been asking his sister and her friends where she should have the reh. dinner, and didn't ask us for any input which I find kinda funny since it's our wedding.

Do you think it's innapropriate for us to tell her thank you, but since we want the reh. dinner at that restaurant that we're fine pitching in/paying ourselves?

Also, she's really hell bent on us having a few elements at our wedding that we don't care about that much.  She's kinda trying to shove it down our throats by saying she'll pay for it, but since it's not really what we want.  My attitude is that if she's willing to put any money toward our wedding, I'd rather be able to use it for stuff we actually want.  Am I out of line on this, or should I just let her do what she wants?

I'm just feeling overwhelmed and appreciate anyone else's thoughts.

Thanks, ladies!
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Re: fmil

  • redheadtmkredheadtmk member
    500 Comments
    Picking your battles is the way to go. At the end of the day, I personally do not think it matters where the rehearsal dinner is. Its one night, before the big day. I understand to other people it is a very big deal. I just got married in June and for us the rehearsal was about relaxing with my family before the chaos of the big day. Sitting with my family, laughing, and catching up is what I remember the most from that night. For me the question is why that restaraunt? Is it somewhere special to you? You love the food? Its important to you to have it at a nice restaraunt? Deciding why its important to you is the first step in picking your battle.

    As for the other stuff, decide what are your absolute musts and what you are willing to compromise on. What are the elements? Are they small things that really wont make a difference to your overall style or are they big things that will stand out?

    good luck!

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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    You really don't need to post this on every board. At the very least, please put XP for cross-post in the subject line so people don't answer the same question more than once.
    Report Reply
  • kellyjohnson527kellyjohnson527 member
    10 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-16?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:df5d00f3-c347-4060-87a9-38a786b5b6a5Post:4cd20f30-f691-41c6-a1ec-eb18bf1621f1">Re: fmil</a>:
    [QUOTE]You really don't need to post this on every board. At the very least, please put XP for cross-post in the subject line so people don't answer the same question more than once.
    Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

    okay sorry
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Perfectly fine to say "thanks but no thanks" when it comes to the RD.

    Just know that if she contributes any money towards your wedding whatsoever, she has the ultimate say as to how that money is used.  If you don't like that then decline the money.

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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited August 2012
    It's absolutely fine to turn down her offer to host the RD, if you don't like the party that she is planning. But, I hope you will think twice about taking the honor of hosting away from her, as long as she is including those that should be invited and not doing anything rude- such as choosing an inconvenient, out of the way place.

    If you decide to allow her to host, the planning is up to her. She has decided that the place you have suggested is too expensive and is asking others for suggestions - I guess that's not too strange. Your fi may offer to chip in some $$ to offset the cost of your favorite restaurant to see if that makes a difference. Otherwise, she should be allowed to plan it at whatever place she wishes - if she is hosting/paying for it.

    Since your FMIL is so traditional, she gets control of the RD and your parents get control of the wedding reception and anything else they are paying for : )  so you don't have to allow her to influence your wedding with her money and ideas. When she expresses her opinion about something she would lilke to see at the reception, redirect her to the party she is hosting - the RD. See how that works out to your benefit?
                       
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  • kellyjohnson527kellyjohnson527 member
    10 Comments
    thanks!

    n Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-16?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:df5d00f3-c347-4060-87a9-38a786b5b6a5Post:1388f4e2-110b-4f72-8cd8-8ceafd26561d">Re: fmil</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's absolutely fine to turn down her offer to host the RD, if you don't like the party that she is planning. But, I hope you will think twice about taking the honor of hosting away from her, as long as she is including those that should be invited and not doing anything rude- such as choosing an inconvenient, out of the way place. If you decide to allow her to host, the planning is up to her. She has decided that the place you have suggested is too expensive and is asking others for suggestions - I guess that's not too strange. Your fi may offer to chip in some $$ to offset the cost of your favorite restaurant to see if that makes a difference. Otherwise, she should be allowed to plan it at whatever place she wishes - if she is hosting/paying for it. Since your FMIL is so traditional , she gets control of the RD and your parents get control of the wedding reception and anything else they are paying for : )  so you don't have to allow her to influence your wedding with her money and ideas. When she expresses her opinion about something she would lilke to see at the reception, redirect her to the party she is hosting - the RD. See how that works out to your benefit?
    Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]
    Report Reply
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