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So, I've ruined my daugher's life. (LJ vent)

We have 6" of snow and ice on the ground, and I have a Honda Civic. Meaning, I'm not even attempting to go anywhere until oh, around April. Tomorrow is Manda's 18th birthday, and both her friend dinner and our dinner out for her were ruined, or at least postponed until we can get out and have a re-do.

She spent Fri. and last night at her friend Carrie's house, and I found out this morning that Carrie's power went out in the middle of the night and, instead of her mom bringing them to my house, they went to another friend's house whose mother is NEVER home (she's so far up her boyfriend's ass she's completely forgotten she has a daughter to take care of), so they were alone, without adults, in a snow/ice storm... I was not happy.

Today she tells me she's spending the night with Carson, and all her friends are throwing her a sledding party there. I cannot even possibly begin to describe Carson's mother without writing a book, so I'll leave it at this: If she was the absolute last person I could leave my kid with on earth, I'd sacrifice my daughter to save her from that trashy hell. She's been busted multiple times for underage drinking parties (but gets out of it every fucking time, thanks to this stupid small town and its politics), she's had sex with strangers in her mini-van, she's miserably failed as a mother 2.5 times (I have hope for Carson, the only one not an adult yet, but it ain't lookin good for her, either)... I could go on and on.

Suffice to say, Manda has NEVER been allowed to go to Carson's house, so I can't figure out why 1. She'd think it's ok now and 2. She'd think she could tell me where she's going instead of asking.

I told her even if the weather was perfect, she'd not be going to Carson's at any time for any reason, and she wasn't going anywhere tonight with the low being in the teens and all the roads a frozen sheet of ice. I told her around noon today to get all her friends together and I'd figure out a way to get them here for the night and they could celebrate her birthday here. Her response: "I'd never make my friends suffer through a night at our stupid house. You've ruined my birthday, and now I'm going to be completely alone. I hope you are happy."

WTF? She's in her room, alone, texting like mad for hours. One part of me feels guilty because she is, in fact, alone on her birthday, but the other part of me says she did this to herself and there's no way I should have allowed her to go to that woman's house. I'm wondering if I should have just trusted her and let her go, but every single time there's been a party at that woman's house, she's allowed underage drinking. Tonight would have been no different, and I just am not prepared to put my kid in that environment. Even if her license does read that she's an adult as of tomorrow.

Sorry so long, but I needed to vent. You can flame me, it won't be half as bad as my kid ignoring me and drowning in self-pity.
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Re: So, I've ruined my daugher's life. (LJ vent)

  • You totally did the right thing.  It's not like you told her she couldn't go to someone's house just because you didn't particularly care for the mother - the woman is a hot f*cking mess who allows underage drinking in her home.  Completely unacceptable.  SHE choose to be alone and have her birthday ruined.  She could have had it at your house with her friends, and she instead chose to go pitch a fit and sulk in her room.  That's her bad not yours. 
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  • I'm not a parent, but I think you probably did the right thing. I mean she may be 18, but she's still your daughter.  You might as well protect her as long as you can.

    Also I think it was pretty lame of her to call your house stupid :)  I'm sure if she gave it a chance (and if everyone else had good parents that realized going to Carson's is a bad thing), you guys could have had a blast at your house.
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  • Sounds like you made a good decision!  Life is rough, sometimes you don't get what you want, even on your birthday.  She'll survive it.
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  • Things like this are the reason I know I'm not ready to be a parent. I got into this fight all the time with my parents in terms of weather. Not to toot my own horn but I was generally a good kid and hung out with other straight-laced kids so my parents weren't worried about other parents/inappropriate behavior, but there was many a snow day where I wanted to go do stuff and my parents said NO and believe me I was pissed.

    It's not a bad thing to want your kid to be safe. I'm on team bec for this one. Hope it gets better!
  • Aww Bec :( I completely think you did the right thing. I don't get parents who allow underage drinking in their home. I've heard the reason and I still think it's stupid and totally irresponsible.
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  • lauralaurlauralaur member
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    edited January 2010
    Oh and she probably thinks that being 18 magically changes EVERYTHING. Well, it doesn't.

    You could tell her about the parents in my town who allowed underage drinking in their home and got arrested when one of the minors blew part of his hand and head off while they were building pipe bombs and drinking. Smrt.

    EDIT: Didn't mean to freak anyone out with this story. Sorry if I did.
  • That's just it: I can't figure out why every other parent talks about Carson's mom and how awful she is, but then they turn around and let their kids go to her house. WTF? If you are that afraid of your kid being mad at you, then you FAIL as a parent.

    I guess I'm just pissed that I'm the only one curtailing any unsupervised parties, and Manda feels like she's paying for it while everyone else gets to have fun. I just wish she'd stop pouting long enough to see I don't try to make her the most miserable girl in the world; I just try to keep her the safest from trouble. And that woman has never had a party at her house that didn't end in trouble.
  • Oh Bec, I'm sorry. You made the absolute right decision. I'm assuming you explained to her in your awesome-mom way the reasons why she can't go, that it's not that you're trying to punish her or ruin her life, and that's all you can do for now. It's her teenage "right" to feel like the world is against her, at least for a little bit. I hope she comes around later tonight and comes out of her room to make the best of her time at home with you and your family.



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  • I believe this is called being a teenager, and one reason I could really be okay with not having kids.

    I would have done the same thing as a mother, and probably would be doing the same thing as your daughter too, if that makes sense.  You've done the right thing as a responsible parent.  I wouldn't want to risk the weather, and I wouldn't want to have her knowingly in that situation.  Crazy mom isn't going to stop them if they want to do something stupid, drunk or not.  If I had a daughter, I'd want to keep an eye on her if she's drinking underage, to make sure she's not going anywhere or getting too sloshed.

    She'll be fine, we all went through it and came out okay.  I was pretty pissed when my dad called all my friends' parents and told them about me getting a minor alcohol possession ticket and ignored him for quite a while.  But, I got over it and grew up, and I understand why he felt he had to do that.
  • I think that there is no right or wrong answer her.  On one hand she is an adult tomorrow, so she should be able to make her own choices.  BUt, she still lives under your roof.  So, I see both sides. 

    Bec I think you're a good mother.  I also think my mother was a good mother and she would have let me go.   My mother knew and somewhat allowed me to drink underage. 

    So, yeah my point is, I don't think you're wrong.  You did what you felt was right and no one can fault you on that. 

    Maybe I'd make her her favorite dinner or something as a peace offering.  BUt, she's a teenaged girl, nothing will probably make her feel better at this point. 

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  • You did the right thing, Bec.  You really did.  Mocha basically said everything I was thinking already. 

    Hopefully, she'll get over it sometime tonight so you guys can celebrate a little. 
  • As someone whose parents were on the opposite end of the specrtum, you did the right thing. My parents didn't care what I did, where I went, who I hung out with, or what drugs I did as long as I left them alone and didn't embarrass the family. In fact, my mom was one of those moms that would buy us beer, give us cigarettes and let us smoke pot, among other things.

    At the time, I thought it was great (even though a part of me wished that they acted like they remotely cared), but now I realize how badly I needed structure and discipline. When I think of all of the stupid shiit that I did in HS just because no one was there to tell me no, I could just kick myself. You are saving her from that. She may be pissed at you now, but you are protecting her, which is what parents are supposed to do.
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  • I hear ya, Mandy. I do trust her, and I don't think she'd drink, but this woman would mix her a drink and all but force her to drink it for her birthday. I swear to God. I'm just not prepared to let that demon near my kid. She's seriously been banned from HS sports at her own daughter's school for innappropriate behavior with male students. She takes trashy, disgusting, no-good whore to an entirely different level.

    I think there's a hunger strike tied into this "You've ruined my life" protest as well. She's just texting and scowling. Not hungry, not thirsty, not going to come out of her room tonight... and if looks could kill I wouldn't be typing this right now.

    Hell, I'm taking her tomorrow for a tattoo. It's not like I've sat and thought of ways to ruin her birthday or anything. I listened to her argument, apologized in advance that my argument will trump hers until she no longer lives under my roof, and made my decision. I guess I have to just suffer with her tonight and try to get over the guilt.
  • I also agree with Mandy.  I mean letting her go wouldn't have automatically made you a bad mom; my mom let me drink underage several times as well and I don't think she was underprotective really, I think it just depends on the family/person. 

    You certainly didn't actually ruin her life, you know that.  She'll get over it. Although if she's a grudge holder, which I was, it might not be for a few days at least.
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  • In Response to Re: So, I've ruined my daugher's life. (LJ vent):
    [QUOTE]I think that there is no right or wrong answer her.  On one hand she is an adult tomorrow, so she should be able to make her own choices.  BUt, she still lives under your roof.  So, I see both sides.  Bec I think you're a good mother.  I also think my mother was a good mother and she would have let me go.   My mother knew and somewhat allowed me to drink underage.  So, yeah my point is, I don't think you're wrong.  You did what you felt was right and no one can fault you on that.  Maybe I'd make her her favorite dinner or something as a peace offering.  BUt, she's a teenaged girl, nothing will probably make her feel better at this point. 
    Posted by mandysmear[/QUOTE]

    This was my view. But I don't have or want kids, so what the hell do I know.

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  • Ha!  Awesome. 

    Monopolizing the only bathroom is not cool.  My dad used to turn the hot water off if he wanted the bathroom (and we had more than one).  That doesn't do you much good since she's taking a bath.  And since you've already ruined her life.
  • You did ABSOLUTELY!!!!!11!!! the right thing. Being a mother sometimes sucks, but I hope when our darling daughters are grown, they will appreciate the decisions and sacrifices we make for them.

    Threadjack: my younger daughter accused me of keeping her from her father tonight. Yeah, right honey. HE'S the one who moved to GA when we were living 3 blocks from him in SC. When we moved to GA, albeit 5 hours away from him, HE and that cuntwife decided to move to TX. At NO fucking time have I EVER kept you away from him. /threadjack

  • You definitely did the right thing.

    FWIW, my parents ruined my life a million times over when I was a teenager.  My dad and I pretty much didn't speak a word to each other from age 15-18.  Now we're as close as can be.
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  • Oh Sara, that sucks. I took a lot of the blame from my girls when EX left. Nevermind that he was telling them the divorce was all my idea and he couldn't understand why I hated him in one breath, and telling me how much fun he was having fucking a different whore every weekend and asking me if I was jealous in the next breath. I hate him for that, but I couldn't say anything to the girls, so I let it be. It worked out, and they realized a lot from his actions vs. his words. BS doesn't stay hidden for long.
  • Bec, not sure if you're still around and I will admit I didn't read all the responses but I wanted to give my two cents.  Ten years ago I was your daughter - pouting in my room because my mom didn't trust me and let me do things she didn't think were best for me.  I'm only 26 now but I already thank my mom every chance I get for being "overprotective" (even though she really wasn't overprotective, nor do I think you are) and caring about me enough to protect me from situations similar to the one you describe.  I've told you before and I'll say it again - I think you are a really, really, really great mom, and I know nights like tonight must be miserable and frustrating, but I am willing to bet that five or ten years from now Manda is able to see it from a more mature perspective and thank you for being as great as you are.  So trust in yourself and your relationship with your daughter (which overall sounds like it is really exceptional for an 18 year old) and know you are doing what's best :)  Again, totally just my two cents, and I still hope you are here when I have teenagers so you can hopefully give me even more helpful advice...
  • In Response to Re: So, I've ruined my daugher's life. (LJ vent):
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: So, I've ruined my daugher's life. (LJ vent) : Okay, I LOVE that you're singing along.  I hope that she hears you, lol.
    Posted by sucrets4[/QUOTE]


    Wait wait wait - Nora Robert is an author...

    Anyway, Bec, I think you did the right thing.
    I'm 26 years old and Robert is going out of town tomorrow and my mom has asked me to call her in the morning when I leave the condo, when I get home, when I'm locked in for the night, etc.

    And while I'm on the fence about underage drinking, I don't think it's another parent's right to allow it to happen to your child and that parent should be punished.

    She'll appreciate you in a few years... turning 18 doesn't magically make her all knowing and wise... She still needs your guidance and help.  Hopefully you two can talk about it when she's cooled off.  It's like my mom always says: "It's not YOU, I'm worried about - it's EVERYONE else."
  • edited February 2010
    LMAO! Yes, Nora JONES, not Roberts. Sorry. We were talking books earlier today before she hated me. I'm a ru-tard, clearly.

    She finally emerged from the tub, let me make her some dinner, and I was saved from having to pee outside.

    Now she's looking through old photos and watching the Grammy's. I may go in there shortly to say goodnight and try to talk one more time.

    And you make an excellent point, A&R. I would NEVER, EVER offer any illegal activity to any kid other than my own. I can't fathom how this whore thinks that it's ok. Even if I did offer Manda alcohol, I'd do so because I'm her parent. It would never cross my mind to even consider doing something like that with someone else's kid. It makes me want to rip her face off and feed it to a tiger.
  • I can't actually provide any good advice to you, Bec, because I'm still trying to comprehend how on earth someone who looks 30 could be mother to an 18 year old! 

     

    But seriously, given that the legal drinking is 18 here, if I were you I'd be comfortable to allow 'underage' drinking on her 18th given that she wouldn't actually be underage... so, in light of that, I can't really provide any good advice. I know I was drinking at 15/16, but my parents would have killed me if they'd known, and I'm glad that they weren't the type of parents who allowed my friends and I to come to their houses and get trashed (even though at 17 I was rather grateful for the parents of friends who would allow us to do so!). 

     

  • I haven't read all of the responses, but just want to say that you have a really good daughter.  She could have lied to you and went anyway.  That's what I was doing when I was her age - telling my mom I was staying at my best friend's house while I was really staying at my boyfriend's house.  So at least you know she's honest with you.
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  • How are things in the light of the morning, Bec?
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  • Ahh, teenagers. :)

    I teach high school Biology and start my class off every year by telling my students that they are programmed to do stupid things. Their prefrontal cortex, which controls logic and reason, does not mature until at least 25 years of age, sometimes later (like for my ex). So they're going to do stupid things and to some extent, they can't help it. But there's HOPE! That's why they have parents and teachers to tell them when they're about to do something stupid! THIS is why I tell them they should listen to their parents, even if their parents are fake-ruining their lives! ;)

    Bottom line - she's being a drama queen because she's only 18. Just because she's now old enough to vote does not mean that she's really an adult. Not mentally, at least. She's still a pup. Telling her that will of course only piss her off more, but it's true. So all of her grand plans for her 18th birthday were going to get ruined no matter what - if you let her go to this chick's house, they just would have been ruined by doing something really stupid (or being around others that are doing something really stupid) and she'd have come home pouting because it was lame or she got sick or whatever.

    She's throwing out barbs when she says she'd never make her friends suffer a night at your house because she didn't get exactly what she wanted right then. 18, 8, it's all the same. They pitch hissy fits and temper tantrums when they don't get their way, even when they know you're right. God forbid she take a breath and say, yeah Mom, we probably could have my friends over here and have a pretty good time. Admit defeat? NO WAY! So best thing to do is ignore her 'tude, let her sulk and text pissy texts to her friends, and talk about it later when she's sane again. Maybe you can have an after-party to make up for it. If she's nice to you. GL lady.
  • She just called me bawling because the tattoo artist is keeping his shop closed today because of the weather and she'll have to reschedule. She was crying that everything about her 18th birthday sucked, and she's stuck at home all alone today and can't even look forward to the tattoo she's begged for for over 3 years. I gently reminded her that it's her fault she's all alone and she screamed at me and hung up.

    And we have more bad weather coming tonight and still more headed our way this weekend. God save me. LOL
  • Can you call the tattoo artist?  Maybe he'll do something special for her birthday.  Then you could be the savior.
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  • Bec, my birthday is next week and I spent my 18th stuck in the house with 22 inches of snow on the ground, which is not normal in Kentucky.  She'll survive.  Now, my parents were much more like what beatles described in their level of strict - such that I think if I showed up with a tattoo NOW they might fail to attend the wedding.  But, I digress.

    Remind her that she's going to have this tattoo for the rest of her life, and the start date is much less important than being alive to look at it. 

    As for the being alone - I'd offer one more time to host the party at your house.  She might come around.  Maybe. 
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  • I tried to call the tattoo shop, but no answer. I told her a month from now none of this will matter, but it certainly sucks to have to deal with it today. I also offered to pick up friends on my way home from work, but she's just not open to any other solutions than getting her tattoo today.

    She'll get over it. It's all she can do at this point.

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