demanding FFIL (kind of long)

sarahlovesiman · December 2010

So the wedding is April 9, less than 4 months away. We are trying to solidify the guest list so we can start sending out invites soon. FI was talking to his dad about the family they want to invite, and FFIL threw us a bit of a curveball by saying that he thinks we should pay for hotel rooms for his family for the night of the wedding. The wedding is in my hometown, which is a 3 hour drive from here.

At first FI agreed with him, but after I showed him something about it on TK, he realized that we aren't expected to pay for guests' rooms. FFIL, however, is still insisting we do this. FI told him that it's not in our budget, so FFIL kind of flipped out and called FI's mom (they are divorced) and asked why she wasn't helping with the wedding and asked her to pay for it. She said no, of course, but FFIL is still insisting on doing it even though he keeps saying he really doesn't have money for it. He said something about maybe borrowing some money for it.

Anyway, he wants us to send a hand-written note along with our invites to his family members saying something like:
We are having a small, immediate family only wedding in Sarah's hometown, about a three hour drive from here. We would like to provide you wih a hotel room for Saturday night. We would love to have you there. Please let us know if you will be able to make by January 20 so we can book the rooms.

I really don't want to do this, or have anything to do with telling them we will pay for their rooms. I honestly don't understand why FFIL is still insisting on paying for his family's rooms, but he has said somethign about "not being able to face them after the wedding if he didn't pay for the rooms." I guess other family members have paid for guests' roomsfor past weddings. I'm just worried it won't really work out well if FFIL isn't able to come up with the money to do that.

What are your thoughts on this? What do you think FI and I should do?

tenofcups4me · December 2010

I wouldn't do anything. If your FFIL thinks it's that important, he can send a separate note and pay for it himself. But there's no way in hell I'd be paying for guests' hotel rooms, especially when it was never part of the original budget.

katiewhompus · December 2010

If he couldn't possibly face them then he needs to pony up the cash for the rooms, easy as that. As long as you aren't the one calling to make the reservations it's not your problem.

It would not be out of the ordinary to send information regarding local hotels or info if you have anything blocked out. Just don't imply that you are paying for the rooms.

aMrsin09 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_demanding-ffil-kind-of-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d99830e-f37a-4492-88c1-5056a0e51582Post:92e8dfdd-fbb6-4ec5-b0f3-db1b31b5ee6d">Re: demanding FFIL (kind of long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't do anything. If your FFIL thinks it's that important, he can send a separate note and pay for it himself. But there's no way in hell I'd be paying for guests' hotel rooms, especially when it was never part of the original budget.
Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]

^^ THIS ^^
OMG, a 1000X this.

We get brides on here ALL.THE.TIME complaining that someone promised to cover a cost and then withdrew the funds at the last minute and the new couple were left holding the bill.

If this is a "must do" have the check, cashed and cleared, in the bank BEFORE any notes from YOU go into those invites.,

saisongbird · December 2010

Don't allow him near your invitations with a ten foot pole. If he wants to pay for their rooms, he can pay for them himself. Don't allow him to force an item on you that's not in your budget.

sarahlovesiman · December 2010

That's kind of what I thought. I don't really have a problem wanting to pay for the rooms, I just don't want to put anything about it in the invitations in case he isn't able to pay for them. The last thing I want is for FI and I, or worse, my parents who are paying for a large chunk of the wedding, to have to pay for these rooms because we told them we would. So should I have FI tell his dad we don't feel comfortable doing that and that he should tell them himself if he really wants to do that?

kellya01 · December 2010

No one can tell YOU how to spend YOUR money. All they can do is offer suggestions. Take FFIL's ideas as that -- his suggestion. Kindly refuse to pay for ANYONE's hotel room that is not in your budget, stating that you have budgeted every penny for the wedding and simply do not have any extra to pay for family's rooms. Tell him that you will be glad to secure a block of hotel rooms that guests can individually book, but that the guests who want to stay in hotel rooms are responsible for paying their own group-discounted rate. You can include hotel information in your invite -- in the form of a "this is the hotel that is offering a group discount; all booking arrangements and fees must be made directly with the hotel, here is their contact information." (Just to make it clear, in the event that anyone else has the mistaken impression that you have to pay for their rooms).

I have NEVER heard of the host having to pay for hotel rooms. I've only heard of hosts with the available budget OFFERING, IF THEY CAN, to pay for extras like hotel rooms for certain guests, wedding party, etc.

That's just my opinion, but it might work for you. Good luck!

shortee426 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_demanding-ffil-kind-of-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d99830e-f37a-4492-88c1-5056a0e51582Post:fe4c0022-3c5e-4447-b5ce-ca1cd2996d61">Re: demanding FFIL (kind of long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't allow him near your invitations with a ten foot pole. If he wants to pay for their rooms, he can pay for them himself. Don't allow him to force an item on you that's not in your budget.
Posted by saisongbird[/QUOTE]

<div>This. You are not required to pay for the rooms of any of your guests. I don't think any of your guests would expect you to either. Whenever I am invited to a wedding, I make sure to factor in the price of a hotel room if I need to travel...I never even think that someone might pay for it for me.</div>

yoko2011 · December 2010

The most I would do - if you haven't already is prehaps see what hotels are close by and offer to set up blocks. Your guests who opt to stay at the hotel with the block pays for their room, but typcially it's a discounted rate. Based on the hotel, you're not responsbile for the charges and unused rooms released back to the hotel to book 30 days prior.

I've traveled for every wedding I've ever gone to (20 plus). I've never expected the bride and gorom to cover the cost of my lodging. I admit, I've been able to stay with friends for some but have always budgeted for lodging when planning to attend.

If he wants to pay for it, he can offer and pay for it himself. But I'd avoid offering directly or anything that puts you on the hook for it.

Good Luck!

aMrsin09 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_demanding-ffil-kind-of-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d99830e-f37a-4492-88c1-5056a0e51582Post:6f810743-8482-43d6-92f6-432f9afc1b9c">Re: demanding FFIL (kind of long)</a>:
[QUOTE]That's kind of what I thought. I don't really have a problem wanting to pay for the rooms, I just don't want to put anything about it in the invitations in case he isn't able to pay for them. The last thing I want is for FI and I, or worse, my parents who are paying for a large chunk of the wedding, to have to pay for these rooms because we told them we would. <strong>So should I have FI tell his dad we don't feel comfortable doing that and that he should tell them himself if he really wants to do that?</strong>
Posted by sarahlovesiman[/QUOTE]

Yes, BUT, my only problem with that is you can't control what he is telling his family. He may word it in such a way that forces you to pay it and gets him off the hook KWIM?
I would be in full control of any communication to wedding guests. If he wants a note to go out from HIM about this and that he is paying, fine. BUT (again) you need to see and read the note and mail it yourself.

sarahlovesiman · December 2010

I know you ladies are right that guests don't expect for the hosts to pay for their rooms. The problem is FFIL thinks his family will, because I guess that is what they are used to in their family. He thinks they won't come if he doesn't, even though I'm 99% sure they can afford one night in a hotel. It's a pretty inexpensive area- much cheaper than where they live. I think FI tried to explain this to FFIL, but he doesn't get it. How should I handle FFIL's request to put this in the invites?

katiewhompus · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_demanding-ffil-kind-of-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d99830e-f37a-4492-88c1-5056a0e51582Post:6bab94c1-be6b-49bc-a948-83848d89a478">Re: demanding FFIL (kind of long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I know you ladies are right that guests don't expect for the hosts to pay for their rooms. The problem is FFIL thinks his family will, because I guess that is what they are used to in their family. He thinks they won't come if he doesn't, even though I'm 99% sure they can afford one night in a hotel. It's a pretty inexpensive area- much cheaper than where they live. I think FI tried to explain this to FFIL, but he doesn't get it. <strong> How should I handle FFIL's request to put this in the invites?
</strong>Posted by sarahlovesiman[/QUOTE]

"I'm sorry but our budget does not allow for us to cover the cost of rooms for the guests. We can certainly be able to set up a room block or send a list of local hotels but the guests will have to pay for the rooms. If you would like to pay for their rooms that is your choice but we will not be including any room payment information in the invitations"

aMrsin09 · December 2010

If it must go in the invites, you write it and say "FFIL has generously offered to cover the payment for your accomodations. Please contact him for further details"

saisongbird · December 2010

You have your FI say, "Dad, I understand that this is what your family is used to, and if YOU want to pay for it, we're ok with that, but we don't feel comfortable putting it in the invitations and WE don't have the money to pay for it. If it's still something that YOU want to do, then YOU need to contact your relatives and ask them if they need a room. And YOU need to make the hotel arrangements for them. But please leave US out of it."

But honestly, I would just have your FI say no.

sarahlovesiman · December 2010

aMrs, I didn't see your response before my last post. So should we send a seperate note from FFIL, not in the invitation? If we did this I would definitely make sure I know what the note says beforehand. Also, would it be ok to ask them to respond by January 20 (I think that's the date FFIL wanted)? If we got the invitations out by the beginning of January, 3 months from the wedding, it would essentially be giving the guests only 2-3 weeks to decide if they're coming or not.

aMrsin09 · December 2010

Your FFIL seems to be awfully free with spending your money and setting your wedding calendar.

I agree with OOT. BSC.

sarahlovesiman · December 2010

oot, yeah that's pretty much how I feel about him right now. He's making things unnecessarily complicated.

jcamm11 · December 2010

It sounds like he got the point that it's not his place to spend your money when he said he would pay for the rooms. If he wants to pay for guest's rooms, tell him he really needs to contact them himself, not have you guys put a note in your invites as if the offer is from you. That puts you in a bad spot if his loan doesn't come through. Keep trying to reassure him that nobody expects him (or you) to pay for their lodging.

katiewhompus · December 2010

I would think that sending invites in late Jan for an early April wedding would be fine. Most invites go out 6-8 weeks so that's right on target. If it's an area where there are few hotels or a big event you might want to give them more time though.

When will your rsvp date be?

sarahlovesiman · December 2010

So, since the consensus is that we should let FFIL pay for the rooms if he really wants to, I guess the only thing I need to figure it is how best to communicate that to the guests. A note from FFIL that I send myself, a note in the invite saying FFIL has agreed to pay for the rooms, or have FFIL just take care of the whole thing himself?

sarahlovesiman · December 2010

The RSVP date is probably not until about March 20, about 3 weeks before the wedding. I just think it's weird to be asking these guests to essentially RSVP 2 months before everyone else.

aMrsin09 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_demanding-ffil-kind-of-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d99830e-f37a-4492-88c1-5056a0e51582Post:94c0953f-01ec-4053-ad53-b449aca93b35">Re: demanding FFIL (kind of long)</a>:
[QUOTE]So, since the consensus is that we should let FFIL pay for the rooms if he really wants to, I guess the only thing I need to figure it is how best to communicate that to the guests. A note from FFIL that I send myself, a note in the invite saying FFIL has agreed to pay for the rooms, or<strong> have FFIL just take care of the whole thing himself?</strong>
Posted by sarahlovesiman[/QUOTE]
Definately NOT this option!

I would go with option A, a note from HIM that YOU read, approve and mail.

strlzfan11 · December 2010

I agree with the others, but I have a quick question for you. How early are you sending out your invites? January 20th is 11 weeks out from your wedding, which IMO is too early to be sending them out. Usually 8-10 weeks is the norm, so just before Valentine's Day would be appropriate.

katiewhompus · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_demanding-ffil-kind-of-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d99830e-f37a-4492-88c1-5056a0e51582Post:d584d25c-e58d-4380-9c72-6858f5ac39fb">Re: demanding FFIL (kind of long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: demanding FFIL (kind of long) : Definately NOT this option! I would go with option A, a note from HIM that YOU read, approve and mail.
Posted by aMrsin09[/QUOTE]

Ditto this.

sarahlovesiman · December 2010

aMrs, I see your point. I think option A is probably the best one as well. Maybe I should just write the note as if it's from FFIL, asking guests to contact him for more details.

ootmother2 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_demanding-ffil-kind-of-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d99830e-f37a-4492-88c1-5056a0e51582Post:d584d25c-e58d-4380-9c72-6858f5ac39fb">Re: demanding FFIL (kind of long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: demanding FFIL (kind of long) : Definately NOT this option! I would go with option A, a note from HIM that YOU read, approve and mail.
Posted by aMrsin09[/QUOTE]

Llsten, she's smart!

sarahlovesiman · December 2010

strlz, I was hoping to get them out the beginning of January, mostly because we did not do STDs and I want to make sure our OOT guests have time to book flights, etc. Of course, knowing my procrastination and the fact that we haven't even ordered the invitations or gotten everyone's address, it probably won't be until the end of Jan., which I think is enough time.

aMrsin09 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_demanding-ffil-kind-of-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d99830e-f37a-4492-88c1-5056a0e51582Post:e3882026-1e07-40e8-a04c-2954ac43e7ea">Re: demanding FFIL (kind of long)</a>:
[QUOTE]aMrs, I see your point. I think option A is probably the best one as well. <strong>Maybe I should just write the note as if it's from FFIL,</strong> asking guests to contact him for more details.
Posted by sarahlovesiman[/QUOTE]

I don't think that point matters as much as you and FI maintaining control of the situation. Do what ever you have to do to accomplish that.

sarahlovesiman · December 2010

Thanks for the advice, ladies. I am not going to bring it up to FFIL first in case he changes his mind or realizes he can't afford it. But if he asks again I will ask him to write the notes and then I will send thim out. I will probably tell him that we may need to give the guests a little bit more time to decide if they will be coming and needing a room. in the meantime I will do some research on hotels in the area to get info on group rates, etc. so I can provide that info to the other guests. Wish me luck!

squirrly · December 2010

If I were in your shoes, I'd say no to FFIL again. I'd set up a room block at a hotel, and if he still insists, let him know the cost for the number of rooms (don't forget to get the FULL price including taxes, etc.) he's wanting covered. IF AND ONLY IF he gives you a check for that full amount in advance, include the notes, that FFIL will be covering the cost. If people decline, give him back that amount of money.

If he doesn't cough up the check, I wouldn't include any info like that to the guests.

sarahlovesiman · December 2010

Squirrly, that's a good idea. That way there is no way FI and I or my parents will get stuck paying for the rooms. I'll do the research and get prices from a few hotels at difference price points, then ask him the total cost for the number of rooms he wants at whichever hotel he wants. I'm hoping after he sees the cost he will decide he doesn't want to do it anymore so I don't have to deal with it, haha.

demanding FFIL (kind of long)

Re: demanding FFIL (kind of long)

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