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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Fiance's Children in the Wedding Party
My fiance has two children; girl, 18 and boy 11. This is my first wedding and his second. He wants his son to be his best man and would really like for me to have his daughter has my MOH. The kids and I have a good relationship but I have a girlfriend and a sister-in-law I am much closer to and had envisioned asking one of them to be my MOH. He is offended at this. I am not crazy about an 11 year old being the best man since he cannot do anything the best man is supposed to do. I know this marriage will be creating a new family and I know I need to allow a place for the relationships he has with his kids at our wedding, so am I being unreasonable and selfish to only want them in the wedding party?
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Re: Fiance's Children in the Wedding Party
You can have whomever you like stand on your side.
[QUOTE]While I agree with the others that it's totally fine to have her on his side, I also think it would be nice gesture for you to have her on yours. Is this really a battle that you want to pick? I imagine it's a sensitive one since it involves kids. Can you guys compromise and have her on your side as a co-MOH with your MOH of choice?
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]
This. I would have her as a bm but pick a MOH of your own.
[QUOTE]While I agree with the others that it's totally fine to have her on his side, I also think it would be nice gesture for you to have her on yours. Is this really a battle that you want to pick? I imagine it's a sensitive one since it involves kids. Can you guys compromise and have her on your side as a co-MOH with your MOH of choice?
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]
The daughter is 18...she doesn't need to be coddled, or awarded with a "co-MOH" title just because.
I can understand being careful with the 11 year old son, as that is a very impressionable age and the OP will have a key role in his teenage years. With the 18 y/o daughter, why not just ask her what her preference is? It's entirely possible that she'll (hopefully) be in college and not want to participate in the wedding party activities due to exams, etc.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Fiance's Children in the Wedding Party : The daughter is 18...she doesn't need to be coddled, or awarded with a "co-MOH" title just because. I can understand being careful with the 11 year old son, as that is a very impressionable age and the OP will have a key role in his teenage years. With the 18 y/o daughter, why not just ask her what her preference is? It's entirely possible that she'll (hopefully) be in college and not want to participate in the wedding party activities due to exams, etc.
Posted by itzMS[/QUOTE]
Who said anything about coddling anyone? It's not about coddling the daughter as much as it's about stepping outside of your own little world and realizing that you are forming a new family and that it's wise to pick your battles. It's obvious that her FI was bothered by her reluctance to have her in the WP. For me, this wouldn't be a battle I would pick. If it is for her, then so be it.
FI's daughter can stand on either side; why don't you ask her what she would like to do? I bet all of you can come up with a solution together.
On the other hand, who you pick as your attendants is strictly up to you. If you don't want his daughter as your MOH, that's your decision to make. if you don't want her on your side, she can be on his side.
I'd ask the kids in question if they want to be in the wedding and what roles they want before you decide anything.
Also, it's kinda weird that you phrased your issue with this as " envisioned asking one of them to be my MOH. He is offended at this. I am not crazy about an 11 year old being the best man since he cannot do anything the best man is supposed to do."
Why are you taking issue with that he's chosen for his side? When you brought it up to him is this how your phrased it instead of mentioning how you dreamed of your friends by your side? The isssue should be you not having the right to pick your own WP but you don't get that across to him by taking away his right to pick his.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Fiance's Children in the Wedding Party : Who said anything about coddling anyone? It's not about coddling the daughter as much as it's about stepping outside of your own little world and realizing that you are forming a new family and that it's wise to pick your battles. It's obvious that her FI was bothered by her reluctance to have her in the WP. For me, this wouldn't be a battle I would pick. If it is for her, then so be it.
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]
My point was it seems like the OP doesn't realize his daughter is 18, not eight. She is an adult and can and should be <em>asked</em> to be in the wedding party. Thus, not be obligated to be by daddy and future stepmommy to be a bridesmaid or groomswoman or whatever.
[QUOTE]I think the subtextual messages being sent to this girl are depressing. Her father inherantly values her little brother enougb to place him right by his side, and give him a title of honor because of his genetilia. But SHE has to be forced onto the new stepmother to the point where it causes a family argument. It's messages like these that errode young female identities. Her brother is automatically worth honoring, no questions, no fuss. It might be unintentional, but it's something she'll pick up on.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]
<div>
</div><div>I think you're reading into this a bit much. It's a wedding, not a line of succession to the throne. </div><div>
</div><div>OP, if it would mean a lot to your FI and to his daughter, I'd just call her a MOH, and have a second MOH of your choosing, or just have everyone be a groomsman or bridesmaid, no "honorary" titles. </div>
Hope this helps!
Fatty Blog
[QUOTE]I think the subtextual messages being sent to this girl are depressing. Her father inherantly values her little brother enougb to place him right by his side, and give him a title of honor because of his genetilia. But SHE has to be forced onto the new stepmother to the point where it causes a family argument. It's messages like these that errode young female identities. Her brother is automatically worth honoring, no questions, no fuss. It might be unintentional, but it's something she'll pick up on.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]
WTF???
This is ridiculous.
She is 18 years old. Ask her where she wants to stand. The emphasis on CHOOSING SIDES like it is a civil war are a bit much. Good grief.
I agree completely, it is ridiculous that it has developed into a family argument, and that was my point.
All because she's female. Too much emphasis on gender, it's creating weird and ridiculous artificial drama that isn't necessary in modern society. Let her decide where she wants to stand. If I was her, and my father told me that I couldn't stand by his side just because I was the wrong gender, I'd be devistated, and confused. My father would have never done that to me.
[QUOTE]My parents are divorced and both remarried.<strong> Personally, even though I like my step-mother and have a good relationship with her, I would have been very uncomfortable being her MOH. </strong>You and/or your fiance should really talk to his kids about how involved they want to be in the wedding. It might help too if your fiance has his son stand on his side, but not title him as best man so then there doesnt have to be an "equal" title of MOH for his daughter. Hope this helps!
Posted by bucky2012[/QUOTE]
This. My Dad got married when I was 16, My step-mom's MOH was her best friend, and then her daughter, my sister, and my-self were BMs. I would've felt weird if my sister or I were the MOH (though it would've been even more weird in our situation if one of us were the MOH over step-sister). And, if I remember, I don't think my dad had any GM besides my 2 step-brothers.
I mean, we probably could've had my sister and I on my dad's side, with step-siblings all on step-mom's side, but we just went girls with the bride and boys with the groom, because it wasn't really about the 2 separate familes for us, my dad and step-mom have been together since I was 7, so we were all used to being part of one family when my sister and I were there.
It's not like anyone maliciously banished us to stay with our gender, it's just something that's been up until recently, a pretty common construct of society. It's like when people by blue/pink clothes for babies. They're most likely not TRYING to be mean or force the children into gender roles, they're just doing it because it's a construct of society, (though one that's wonderfully being challenged much more often).
(I've clearly been in to many sociology classes this semester...yipes).
To OP-I agree with PP that you should ask FI's daughter how she feels about it, and just try to talk it out with FI.
Tell your FI that you would like to speak to your soon to be step-daughter about her take on the situation and if she would even like to be in the wedding party, and if so, does she have a preference as to which side (it doesn't mean she has to be your MOH). IMO, if you are smart, you will let her do the choosing about if and how she participates and it will all work out. I have 2 step-children...letting them participate in decisions like this, and acknowledging their potentially conflicting emotions, goes a very, very long way.
She is 18, ask her what she wants. However, make sure you do it in a way that doesn't read, "I really don't want you to be my MOH, so please choose not to be."
Whoever your FI has in his wedding party is his choice.
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