NWR: My first deployment

hbs2003 · April 2010

Hey ladies,

I married my soldier about 3 weeks and we are planning a wedding for sept 2011. He deploys very soon and this is my first deployment. I have cried for like the past week and im so nervous about this. I have never gone through a deployment and im really not sure how to handle it. How did you guys handle your first deployment? Any recommendations on anything I can do to make this easier or at least not as bad? Did books help, or chat rooms, or what? And how did ur husband or FH help you deal with it? Ive talked to him about and he said he doesnt know how he can help other than just being there for me. Any thing you laies could recommend would be great. Oh also we are long distance right now and i wont be moving there until next year when he comes home.

jessiimae22 · April 2010

The first deployment is verrry hard. My Fiance & i have been dealing with it for about six months now. I know its hard to cope with at first, but try to find the little things that make you feel better. Keep a journal. Chat rooms, talk to your family. I was also very upset the week before he left & for a few weeks after. But now its much easier. I have found little things that help, like buying a bulk pack of something & then saying to myself he will be home before this is over. It is very hard to deal with at first girl, but it has only brought me & my FI closer ! Sykpe helps alot, though he may not have a camera at his base, it will make his day. Remember you do want to be thier support system, while this may be hard for you, think of what he is going through,being so far away from everyhthing he knows. Stay close to your friends & if you need anything. i am here also(:
goodluck !

hbs2003 · April 2010

Thank you so much. That helps alot! The buying things in bulk idea is really good. My plan is to have a goal each month that I work towards so that each month i can say its one goal down and one month closer to him being home. we both have webcams and instant messenger so we will use that alot. he works in commmunications so he is front of a computer all day so luckily i will get to talk to him alot online. Its just so hard to think of him not here and not being able to see him on the weekends. I will definitely be on this board alot because at least the girls on this board understand. I know alot of my time will be spent planning the wedding and everything but deployment especially the first one is probably the hardest thing ive ever had to go through. I appreciate your response and ur suggestions. Thanks again!

alexninaday09 · April 2010

Set a goal for yourself every month. I suggest something non wedding related since it will make you think of him to often, especially in the beggining. Say, every month you are going to run a race in your town and finish. It gives you something to look forward to and do that will make you feel good.

Realize you aren't the only person going through this. My fiance was stationed in NC and I live in FL. all my military wives friends lived in NC, none in Fl. All my FL friends didn't understand what i was going through so it was really hard for me to go to them. Find someone who is going through what you are adn become friends. Have someone to talk to that can help you.

Tell people he's deployed if they ask, it will give you the confindence and help you get through it. It sounds silly but the more i talked about it the easier it got to face. When its easier to face the easier it becomes.

Realize there will be good days and hard days. One morning you may feel on top of the world happy and by night time you are depressed. Just learn that its normal, espeically with deployment.

Most important, this is the time to find yourself and learn to do things on your own. Its super hard at first but you'll find that everyday it gets easier. You will become such a strong person and learn new things about yourself. I've done things now that i never thought i could or would do.

Don't worry girl, you can do this!

LissaBen7210 · April 2010

Well,
In reguards to your issue. I am going through the same thing right now. My fiance soon to be husband on July 2nd of this year is getting deployed in March of 2011. I am moving to Hawaii where he is stationed and staying there until he deploys. I have no clue what to expect and like your guy i get told he doesn't know what to do for me other than be there for me. You have so many emotions going through your head. It's hard for me too. I don't want him to get deployed because I am scared to death something will happen to him. I know it is a lot safer now but still. Where is he going?

mehgank · April 2010

My FI deploys A LOT, and usually at the drop of a hat, and our first deployment/separation was a long one.

I highly suggest you get The Long Distance Relationship Guidebook, one for you and one for your husband (if he can receive mail).

I also joined WAIIT (We Are In It Together) online message boards/forums for girls in the same situation you are, where you can go for advice, venting, etc.

And this board helps, too!

kimberlyfarren · April 2010

i just finished my first deployment, my fiance is a marine and he was in Afgan. for 7 months. we did the lond distance relationship for 6 months before he left, so i feel your pain!! the best advice i can recomend is STAY BUSY!!! i worked a lot spent lots on time with family and friends, if your Family Readyness Officer has any functions for spouse i would get involved so you can meet other spouses who are in your husbands unit. never watch the nes because most of it is untrue and weeks behind and only believe rumors if you hear it from your husband. i hope i was helpful good luck and it goes a lot quicker than you will ever believe. and once there home within a week it will feel like he was never gone

is this his first deployment?

hbs2003 · April 2010

wow! You girls are amazing and have offered wonderful advice. I agree i have had my good days and my bad. ive already started a list of things to keep me busy other than wedding planning. I will def check out that book mehgank! and the message board u mentioned. alexinaday: thank you for all the input! I really appreciate it and completely agree with setting goals to help time go by. im sure when this deployment is over i will look back and be like that wasnt as bad as i thought it would be but its still tough now. Im glad we have this board to talk about wedding stuff but also to be there for each other. i think military wives have one of the most difficult jobs adn im glad we have this to come to for advice and support!!!!!! thanks again ladies. You guys are wonderful!!!!!!!!!!

luvnumo · April 2010

My FH was deployed for a year, Just came back last November it was very difficult. What I did was make sure I sent him e-mails whenever I couldn't speak to him. That was my way of feeling more connected. What we also did was talk on skype through a webcam to help ease the distance. Nothing more satisfying by like just being able to see their face.You have to keep yourself occupied. or set goals that will help the time go by. Also remember that when they are deployed they are concerned in what is going on with you and the fam. For them knowing that everything is okay at home helps them sleep better at night, and gives them strength to from day to day. It is good to stay connected with the FRG and some of the army wives who can relate to what you are going through.

fallingobsession · April 2010

I have been fortunate not to have a deployment to deal with - yet, but just about our entire relationship has been long distance. He is currently based in Europe (has been for 2 years now), so we have frequently gone 7-8 months apart, and it's definitely not easy, but you find ways to make it work. It's hard to say goodbye, but it gets easier as you learn how to live life away from him. I know it will be different with a deployment, but try not to focus too much on the fact that he's leaving. I know with my FH, it ended up making him feel guilty and helpless that he's leaving me. Plus, it tends to ruin your last bit of time together if you are overly upset about it. One day at a time - and before you know it, he will be back home!

hbs2003 · April 2010

@fallingobsession: you are so right. im trying not to be sad and think about him leaving because i know it isnt something that is his choice and i know he cant change it. we only have a few weeks left and i dont want ti to be spent with me crying and us fighting. im trying to focus on the goals i have made for while he is gone and focus on the things i can do for him while he is gone... like care packages and letters adn webcam dates. its very difficult to do with this since its my first deployment. im trying to keep positive i really am...

Thanks girl!

@outer bouroughs: my friends husband just got home from deployment and she said the same thing. making sure they know everything is ok here because they can feel helpless because they cant do anything about it. i need to make sure im his support because i know this is hard on him too. Thanks for your advice. Im starting to feel better about everything now.

DanielleB80 · May 2010

I totally agree with all PP!! This is FH 2nd deployment since we've been together. We talk and see each other on Skype whenever possible. IM and emails work too. I try and write him a letter at least every other day because it helps me tell him little details about my day as if he were actually here. I plan things for the wedding and I also do many, many other NWR things to stay busy.

When he left in October it wasn't as bad as I imagined because he was stationed in GA, 3.5 hrs from where I live in AL. So I was used to not seeing him everyday. It's hard at first but I try to think of it like each day that passes is one day less of being apart.

If there are support groups available, attend them. There are other military wives going thru the same thing, and I know they are supportive and understand.

jkcl · May 2010

There is nothing easy about deployments. This is our first. I am not sure where he is deploying to, but for us I bought webcams and that has really helped. Also I get email right to my phone, so that helped us communicate. The time chage made it difficult for phone calls. Granted we hardly get to use them, but when we do it is wonderful. I will also tell you it has made our relationship stronger, keep that in mind. You really realize the person you fell in love with. The first few weeks are going to be tough, but if you have family near embrace them. We just moved to FL last year and have no family anywhere near us, so I relied heavily on phone calls. You are going to have your good and bad days, it's ok to cry....you have to let your feelings out. Try to stay strong, I know it won't be easy. I just keep reminding myself that this isn't easy for him either and I need to stay strong for him. It's been a long road I have basically planned our wedding alone. Hang in there. I tried to plan something every month that way I had something to look forward to, plus it helped pass time.

ErLeBe · May 2010

It's just hard. This is not only my first deployment to deal with but it is also his, so there is a lot of difficulty/drama/etc. Communication--and proper communication--is key. The one thing I wish we would have done would have been to really discuss our expectations that would have helped A LOT.

Good luck!

jeffsteph1207 · May 2010

Like everyone else said.... Skype will be your best friend! Me and FI are both deployed right now to seperate locations and we still manage to keep our relationship in tact. We both ended up getting cell phones over here because internet reception is crappy. We email each other a couple of times a day, talk/text and call each other on DSN phone lines. Although I will tell you that we fight about stupid small stuff alot, so be prepared for that. The things you NEVER imagined you would fight about some how come up in conversation. Both of you have to be patient and understand the situation that you guys are put in. Deployments put a lot of stress on relationships, especially newly weds. Stay busy to keep your mind off things, and reassure him that things are okay with you at home. Focus on planning your celebration when he comes home, and it will remind you why you're going thru it all.

jessiimae22 · May 2010

You are very welcome !
Stay busy !
Last time i was on here ,i had almost 175 days left .
but apparently , its only 158 now . time has flown by ,
& yes . its sitll hard . but things will be okay ! remember ,
stay strong for him . make sure he is okay , that is the number one thing during deployment . i hope everything goes okay ! just remember , everything will be great when he gets back (:

venusvonmila · May 2010

So after two deployments with my FI I can only give you the tip of having something to do.
I started University and was a full time Student during his deployments. So I had something to keep me busy.
Also talk a lot. Keep him updated even if it might seem insignificant to you. His days will be repetitious and he is stuck in one place.
If there was something going on or something new in my life I made a Note to remember it the next time I talked to him.
Communication is much better now but you still will only have limited time.
Also you will have bad days, but also will he. So you need to be there for each other

.

HDutko · May 2010

When DH was deployed he set up a yahoo messenger profile and I set mine up so that it would go to my cell phone. That way whenever he weas able to get online I would get his messages. Other then that staying busy is a good way of keeping yourself sane. Try taking a class like dance, or learning a new craft. Plus, having a weding to plan will help occupy your time. Just remind yourself how happy you will be when he returns. And understand that things may take a while to get back to normal once he is home. Just be patient.

littlebittycowgirl · May 2010

we went through our first deployment last year, Matt was gone for 10 months and it totally sucked. everyone says it gets easier and all that, but to be honest, it never did for me. you get accustomed to him being gone but it was still a daily struggle. nothing about it was easy, but it brought us a lot closer as a couple and i am very thankful for that. i wrote him a letter and emailed him every day, and it really helped both of us cause i was able to "talk" to him and he felt more connected to me when he knew what was going on in my everyday life. i also took tons of pictures of everything i did from dinner with friends to walking my dog at the park so he could see some of what i was talking about.

as for things i did just for myself to keep me sane, i watched every season of Buffy, Angel and Firefly, ate an insane amount of peanut butter oreos and then worked out like crazy to make up for it, lol. a lot of people suggest taking a class or something that you've been wanting to do, and i wish i had done that. i let the deployment become the entire focus of my life and i was miserable because of it. try to have as normal a life as you can. since you're already doing the long distance thing the transition shouldn't be too rough. keep your chin up, everything will be fine and he'll be back before you know it

sweetpea72785 · May 2010

I have gone through 3 deployments and there always hard. Just dont forget ITS JUST AS HARD FOR THEM! I would suggest volunteering, or part time job something to keep you occupied, letter packages and emails are great (even thought you dont always get a response quickly) Unless you grew up in a military family your friends and family arent going to understand what your going threw so be patient with them . Your going to be lonley at times but after a few months you will get into a routine and it will be just a little easier. Dont take your frustrations out on your FI since theres nothing he can do and he will be having a hard time too, Just go to the gym or for a run try to get that frustration out on something else. it will go by quickly if you keep busy.

NWR: My first deployment

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