Please knock some senses into me...or am I being reasonable???

BecW2be · July 2010

When is your wedding? I'd delay buying anything until you are married, and then put both names on the mortgage and the deed. I have a friend who had a similar situation to knittibell (I'm so sorry for your loss, kniiti), and her FI was murdered a month out from their wedding. They built a house where they lived together, but it was in his name, and she had no rights after his death and she had to move out and let his mother have it.

goheels05 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_please-knock-senses-meor-am-being-reasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:7e2b9873-ea71-42f6-b46f-629da10d32e3Post:05da318e-1333-42ef-a191-3000d6893750">Re: Please knock some senses into me...or am I being reasonable???</a>:
[QUOTE]When is your wedding? I'd delay buying anything until you are married, and then put both names on the mortgage and the deed. I have a friend who had a similar situation to knittibell (I'm so sorry for your loss, kniiti), and her FI was murdered a month out from their wedding. They built a house where they lived together, but it was in his name, and she had no rights after his death and she had to move out and let his mother have it.
Posted by BecW2be[/QUOTE]

That was my biggest fear when I moved in with DH 4 months before our wedding. I was terrified that he was going to be in some freak accident and I would be left not only devastated but also homeless. I had nightmares and would wake up crying and I hounded him to talk to his lawyer to put my name on everything.

trisha_nybn · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_please-knock-senses-meor-am-being-reasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:7e2b9873-ea71-42f6-b46f-629da10d32e3Post:018000b5-bb46-4498-a3ee-88809db1d91e">Re: Please knock some senses into me...or am I being reasonable???</a>:
[QUOTE]I haven't read all the posts carefully, and I have to run, so I'm posting this quickly, but I'm doing so because I appear to have the opposite perspective from everybody else. I am in the process of buying a condo and only my name is going on the deed/mortgage even though FI and I will be married in October. There is absolutely zero chance that I would ever buy a house jointly with somebody I was not already married to. It's a recipe for disaster and I have seen a lot of instances of it going horribly wrong on another message board I post on. FI will not be contributing to the down payment and I wouldn't ask him to, but he will of course be contributing to the mortgage in the form of paying me rent up until we are actually married. There is no reason he should be living for free just because I own and he doesn't.
Posted by quotequeen[/QUOTE]

I am contributing to the down payment. It's not a lot compared to the whole amount, but it's everything I've got. Plus, I'll be helping each month. We are just starting the process of buying. We haven't even sent in an offer yet. Like you, we are getting married in October. I highly doubt that we'll get a house before the wedding date. Our agent thinks it'll be at least 3-6 months. FI thinks this is a good way to start off our marriage (sarcasim).

trisha_nybn · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_please-knock-senses-meor-am-being-reasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:7e2b9873-ea71-42f6-b46f-629da10d32e3Post:e807c3a6-f216-47de-a2a3-acff038755e1">Re: Please knock some senses into me...or am I being reasonable???</a>:
[QUOTE]Like PP stated, there may be valid reasons for having just one name on the mortgage or deed. In our circumstance, currently FI is on the deed of the land for the place we're in the process of building, but because he lived out of the country for most of his life and hasn't established credit here I may be the one that is on the mortgage when we actually go to purchase. We have live in a no-fault area so if anything was to happen, the place would be split 50/50, so I guess it doesn't matter too much. Either way, we are both contributing to the house and the mortgage so we will probably put both names on the deed when the time comes. My issue with your situation is not so much the names on deed/mortgage whatever, because it makes sense if you were laid off to leave you off the mortgage but it sounds like from his "secret" conversation with Mommy that he's actually more concerned about protecting HER interest in the purchase of this asset than YOURS. Huge red flag
Posted by Sloane99[/QUOTE]

Thank you! This exactly. I'm pissed at his mom for butting in, but I'm more mad at him for siding with her and not standing up for me. I don't need him to side with me when I'm wrong, but this is ridiculous.

trisha_nybn · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_please-knock-senses-meor-am-being-reasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:7e2b9873-ea71-42f6-b46f-629da10d32e3Post:05da318e-1333-42ef-a191-3000d6893750">Re: Please knock some senses into me...or am I being reasonable???</a>:
[QUOTE]When is your wedding? I'd delay buying anything until you are married, and then put both names on the mortgage and the deed. I have a friend who had a similar situation to knittibell (I'm so sorry for your loss, kniiti), and her FI was murdered a month out from their wedding. They built a house where they lived together, but it was in his name, and she had no rights after his death and she had to move out and let his mother have it.
Posted by BecW2be[/QUOTE]

Our wedding is this year's October. Our agent doesn't think we can close before the wedding date.

trisha_nybn · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_please-knock-senses-meor-am-being-reasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:7e2b9873-ea71-42f6-b46f-629da10d32e3Post:c621a8db-eac4-4267-b2be-941775311139">Re: Please knock some senses into me...or am I being reasonable???</a>:
[QUOTE]YIKES! As someone who was married and then widowed in a year, this is a HUGE PROBLEM!! Fi bought our house when we were dating, we chose it together, furnished it together- he just paid for it, but he made a LOT more than I did. it was "our" house and shortly after we were married we had started looking into something a bit bigger, so it was never a big deal for my name to be on it- neither of us cared- until he died. And I had to jump through HOOP after f'ing HOOP to get it all sorted out (all during the WORST time in my life) because my name wasn't on the house, even though I was his wife- total NIGHTMARE. BOTH names should be on the house, and be sure to get enough life insurance so that you can each pay off the mortgage should one of your die. Also get your wills done. Seriously. No, you're not over reacting. This is a HUGE slap in the face from both his FI and his Mom- like your marraige won't last long enough for you to be included on formal documents of property ownership? Ugh. Sorry.
Posted by Knittibell[/QUOTE]

I'm so glad you brought this up. I was thinking the exact thing. What other possible reason could it be? His mom is trying to protect him from me! She's scared that I'm going to divorce him and take the money. We're not even married yet, and she's already planning on us divorcing???

Oh yeah, she was the first one to give us blessing. In fact, she was the one who brought up the marriage topic to us.

BecW2be · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_please-knock-senses-meor-am-being-reasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:7e2b9873-ea71-42f6-b46f-629da10d32e3Post:5712c547-1e1e-4a19-93f8-e673d1cfc72d">Re: Please knock some senses into me...or am I being reasonable???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please knock some senses into me...or am I being reasonable??? : Our wedding is this year's October. Our agent doesn't think we can close before the wedding date.
Posted by trisha_nybn[/QUOTE]

I'd hold off even making an offer until you are married and BOTH names go on the deed and mortgage. I'd also make him and his mother address their concerns to you, face to face.

goheels05 · July 2010

Ditto Bec. You've waited this long, might as well wait a few more months and avoid any uncertainty. But really, get to the bottom of whatever dynamic is going on with FI and FMIL. This is no good and it can't continue into marriage.

maggiepatch · July 2010

Its fine for just his name to go on the mortgage, but I sure as heck would make sure your name goes on the deed. You also need to have a lawyer get involved to determine who has what claim on portions of the house. If his mother is going to be on the deed and your not then you are SOL if something happens to him.

My FI and I bought a home and I was the one that put most of the down payment on it plus the mortgage is in my name. However, he is on the deed, making half the payments and pays half the bills with me. We have an agreement that says if we sell the house, I get my down payment back before splitting any proceeds. If the house is sold at a loss, we split the loss equally.

You better protect yourself and do NOT proceed without having this sorted out. Frankly, if I were you I would tell him to let his mother keep her ransom money and wait until you both can afford the home on your own. Keep her out of it.

Beachy730 · July 2010

Do you need to put 20% down? Without really asking any amounts or anything, have you guys looked into the option of putting down just what you have between the 2 of you? Honestly I know mortgages are tough now, I just don't know how strict because we were going to have a VA loan which is different. If it is at all possible I would try and leave her money completely out of it.

I still cringe though that he went behind your back with her about it and how he did it. It seriously sounds like the type of behavior that will continue on throughout your marriage. Buying a house for the 2 of you should be completely seperate from his parents with the exception of maybe their opinions or ideas. But for her to encourage him to do this is horrible. Like a PP said, if he is calling you unreasonable I would sit down and talk with both him and his mom or parents. Ask them to explain their reasoning behind you not being on the paperwork. If its simply because they want you to be married first, then avoid all of this nightmare by watiing until after your wedding to even make an offer. If the reason is anything else, which I can only imagine would be to make it easier for your perpetual divorce, then I would be questioning why they think you should even get married in the first place if they are already planning your divorce.

If you go through with this as they are asking, I would get your own lawyer and have him write up every penny you are putting into this downpayment and mortgage payments, and make them sign that you will get every last penny of it back should something happen. If they want to play a$$holes I'd play right back.

vegasgroom · July 2010

20% down is necessary to avoid the rip off mortgage insurance; not sure if that applies to VA or first time buyer loans though.

trisha_nybn · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_please-knock-senses-meor-am-being-reasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:7e2b9873-ea71-42f6-b46f-629da10d32e3Post:5c291c6e-34f1-437b-bf06-df9a79866b0d">Re: Please knock some senses into me...or am I being reasonable???</a>:
[QUOTE]20% down is necessary to avoid the rip off mortgage insurance; not sure if that applies to VA or first time buyer loans though.
Posted by vegasgroom[/QUOTE]

This is what we're trying to avoid. It's unnecessary to pay the PMI when we can pay back his parents slowly and without interest. BUT I told him that if his mother is so involved in this (even though she is not in the investment, we're just borrowing from her) I would rather pay the PMI and cut her out of this whole thing.

mica178 · July 2010

Before you do any more home shopping or wedding planning, please have a discussion with your FI and come to an agreement on how you will proceed. He needs to understand that he needs to talk with you before making huge financial decisions like buying a house under just his name.

Also, unless your FI's family is loaning less than $10,000, they are supposed to be charging you interest. Not doing so could be considered tax fraud. So there are multiple reasons why you might not want to do business with his family.

vegasgroom · July 2010

+1 on the tax issue.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_please-knock-senses-meor-am-being-reasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:7e2b9873-ea71-42f6-b46f-629da10d32e3Post:22ecf8c9-e3ca-43ba-bd26-7c766cf76de1">Re: Please knock some senses into me...or am I being reasonable???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please knock some senses into me...or am I being reasonable??? : This is what we're trying to avoid. It's unnecessary to pay the PMI when we can pay back his parents slowly and without interest. BUT I told him that if his mother is so involved in this (even though she is not in the investment, we're just borrowing from her) I would rather pay the PMI and cut her out of this whole thing.
Posted by trisha_nybn[/QUOTE]

Regarding the above, if you do tell her thanks but no thanks and pay PMI, keep in mind that most mortgage contracts stipulate PMI remains on for a minimum of two years even if you do pay it down below 80%.

redheadfsu · July 2010

I ditto wait to buy until you are married and/ or talk to a real estate AND a family law lawyer. GL. But, you need to iron out the mommy issues before.

quotequeen · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_please-knock-senses-meor-am-being-reasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:7e2b9873-ea71-42f6-b46f-629da10d32e3Post:0138e205-dcc4-4917-a10e-e73bca18675c">Re: Please knock some senses into me...or am I being reasonable???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please knock some senses into me...or am I being reasonable??? : I am contributing to the down payment. It's not a lot compared to the whole amount, but it's everything I've got. Plus, I'll be helping each month. We are just starting the process of buying. We haven't even sent in an offer yet. Like you, we are getting married in October. I highly doubt that we'll get a house before the wedding date. Our agent thinks it'll be at least 3-6 months. FI thinks this is a good way to start off our marriage (sarcasim).
Posted by trisha_nybn[/QUOTE]

Honestly, putting everything you have into the house is a bad idea regardless.

katiewhompus · July 2010

Also think of this, if you do put your name on the paperwork how much of a pita will it be to switch over (if you are in fact doing this).

House hunting can go either way. It took us over a year to close on a house, but when we found the house we went from viewing to closing in just 20 days. One of my friends started looking and had moved in within a 2 month period.

Please knock some senses into me...or am I being reasonable???

Re: Please knock some senses into me...or am I being reasonable???

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