Younger Bridesmaid not cooperating

vancrane · January 2013

My youngest bridesmaid is my little cousin. She is 13. When she was 8, she asked if she could be in my wedding someday. I promised her then that she could be. Then, when I got engaged 2 and a half years ago when she was 11, I asked her to be a bridesmaid, following through on my promise. She said yes (not reluctantly, but not excitedly either). At age 11, when I asked her, she was going through an awkward/tomboy/chubby stage. I thought, as this usually is a time of change for pre-teens, she may grow out of this before the wedding so I just didn't worry about it then. Now, she is 13 and we are 5 months from my wedding. She has gained even more weight and become even more of a tomboy. When I purchased the BM dresses, I ordered her the largest size it came in and it fit her then. Over the past few months she has outgrown it. Well, she hasn't actually outgrown it, but it is kind of tight in the stomach and she says it is "uncomfortable'', but really any dress is uncomfortable to her, and she has made it clear many times that she wishes to wear shorts under the dress (it is really short) because she hates dresses. Also, she went to shop for BM shoes with me without her mom coming along. She lied to me and told me to order size 12 wide shoes for her. I found out later from her mom that she wears a size 10 wide so I will have to return the shoes. The shirts I ordered for my BMs to get ready in the day of did not come in her size, so I ordered a different but similar shirt for her but when they came in, the color is totally off and actually quite hideous. I am not holding it against her that she is a bigger girl, but it is becoming such a headache for me. The headache of having to cater to her to get something that fits her and she is "comfortable" in would totally be worth it if she seemed like she cared at all or even wanted to be a part of my big day. At this point, it is too late for me to add another BM to replace her. My question is should I just leave well enough alone and include a BM that I know doesn't want to be in the party or ask her outright and if she says she doesn't want to be a part of it just forget the headache all together. I just worry about offending her (and her parents) if she does actually care and just doesn't show it. Any thoughts are greatly appreciated!

Viczaesar · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_younger-bridesmaid-not-cooperating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:2bfc7906-53bd-40b9-b32f-599b6349f53bPost:78f4599b-cc77-4032-bcde-ea824d1b2691">Younger Bridesmaid not cooperating</a>:
[QUOTE]My youngest bridesmaid is my little cousin. She is 13. When she was 8, she asked if she could be in my wedding someday. I promised her then that she could be. Then, when I got engaged 2 and a half years ago when she was 11, I asked her to be a bridesmaid, following through on my promise. She said yes (not reluctantly, but not excitedly either). At age 11, when I asked her, she was going through an awkward/tomboy/chubby stage. I thought, as this usually is a time of change for pre-teens, she may grow out of this before the wedding so I just didn't worry about it then. Now, she is 13 and we are 5 months from my wedding. She has gained even more weight and become even more of a tomboy. When I purchased the BM dresses, I ordered her the largest size it came in and it fit her then. Over the past few months she has outgrown it. Well, she hasn't actually outgrown it, but it is kind of tight in the stomach and she says it is "uncomfortable'', but really any dress is uncomfortable to her, and she has made it clear many times that she wishes to wear shorts under the dress (it is really short) because she hates dresses. Also, she went to shop for BM shoes with me without her mom coming along. She lied to me and told me to order size 12 wide shoes for her. I found out later from her mom that she wears a size 10 wide so I will have to return the shoes. The shirts I ordered for my BMs to get ready in the day of did not come in her size, so I ordered a different but similar shirt for her but when they came in, the color is totally off and actually quite hideous. I am not holding it against her that she is a bigger girl, but it is becoming such a headache for me. The headache of having to cater to her to get something that fits her and she is "comfortable" in would totally be worth it if she seemed like she cared at all or even wanted to be a part of my big day. At this point, it is too late for me to add another BM to replace her. My question is should I just leave well enough alone and include a BM that I know doesn't want to be in the party or ask her outright and if she says she doesn't want to be a part of it just forget the headache all together. I just worry about offending her (and her parents) if she does actually care and just doesn't show it. Any thoughts are greatly appreciated!
Posted by vancrane[/QUOTE]

I can't believe you're even entertaining the thought of kicking your 13 year old cousin out of your wedding party, much less that it's because you find her awkward puberty stage and weight gain inconvenient for you. Also, exactly how short are these dresses, and why would you buy a "very short" dress for a 13 year old in the first place?

vancrane · January 2013

I did not post this to be attacked. If you want to be rude please find another post to be rude on. I will post a link to the dresses. They are above the knee, but also have a high neckline and sleeves. I think it is appropriate. I included the fact that they are short dresses to show that shorts would show under them. This is not about "kicking her out". I would never do that. I am asking if I should give her the option in case she feels like she has to be in the wedding. I don't want to make her do something she is uncomfortable with.
Here is the dress: http://us.asos.com/Darling-Lace-Amelia-Dress/xkiik/?iid=2024531&cid=8799&Rf-200=3&sh=0&pge=0&pgesize=200&sort=-1&clr=Aquablue&fb_source=message&r=2&mporgp=L0RhcmxpbmcvRGFybGluZy1MYWNlLUFtZWxpYS1EcmVzcy9Qcm9kLw..

[Deleted User] · January 2013

Wait, who's the 13-year-old here? I'm getting confused. Your cousin is going through changes right now and you're "getting a headache" dealing with her? Wow, you are a real peach.

First, get over yourself. No one will care about your day nearly as much as you, including your 13-year-old cousin because frankly it means diddly squat to her. Calling your cousin's weight and size a "headache" is insulting to her and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Second, give her mom a set idea of what the dress for should look like (color, fabric, length) and let her pick it out for her. Or you could see how much it will cost to get the dress altered to fit her better and make her more comfortable. Oh, and let her wear bike shorts under it. She's thirteen for crying out loud! Do you even remember how awkward it was for you when you were her age?

Third, don't even think about kicking her out of the wedding party. You want to permanently damage the relationships of multiple family members!? And no, you can't phrase it as "If you don't want to be in the wedding." That is a slap in the face and she will take it like that.

Fourth, this is an internet forum, you can't dictate who can respond to these posts or how they do it. When you post on these boards you subject yourself to blunt and brutal honesty that most people in your life wouldn't do. I highly encourage you to stick around these boards. There is a world full of knowledge here to be found and it's blatantly obvious that you need it.

Viczaesar · January 2013

Nope, I'll post what I think here, thanks. If shorts would show under them and she's not comfortable wearing the dress without shorts, they're too short for her and therefore not appropriate. Period. It doesn't matter if you would be comfortable wearing the dress. The fact of the matter is she's not.

Asking her if she wants to be out of your wedding is just a roundabout way of kicking someone out of your wedding so that you can tell yourself you didn't kick them out. What she's going to hear is 'You don't look good in the dress that I picked and that's more important to me than your comfort, so please take yourself out of the wedding so you're not my problem anymore.'

You know how to make her more comfortable? Not force her to wear a dress she is uncomfortable and self-conscious in. Find her something that she looks good and feels comfortable in.

mlg78 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_younger-bridesmaid-not-cooperating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2bfc7906-53bd-40b9-b32f-599b6349f53bPost:33a65281-effa-49a6-87eb-c09b206e48a1">Re: Younger Bridesmaid not cooperating</a>:
[QUOTE]Wait, who's the 13-year-old here? I'm getting confused. Your cousin is going through changes right now and you're "getting a headache" dealing with her? Wow, you are a real peach. First, get over yourself. No one will care about your day nearly as much as you, including your 13-year-old cousin because frankly it means diddly squat to her. Calling your cousin's weight and size a "headache" is insulting to her and you should be ashamed of yourself. Second, give her mom a set idea of what the dress for should look like (color, fabric, length) and let her pick it out for her. Or you could see how much it will cost to get the dress altered to fit her better and make her more comfortable. Oh, and let her wear bike shorts under it. She's thirteen for crying out loud! Do you even remember how awkward it was for you when you were her age? Third, don't even think about kicking her out of the wedding party. You want to permanently damage the relationships of multiple family members!? And no, you can't phrase it as "If you don't want to be in the wedding." That is a slap in the face and she will take it like that. Fourth, this is an internet forum, you can't dictate who can respond to these posts or how they do it. When you post on these boards you subject yourself to blunt and brutal honesty that most people in your life wouldn't do. I highly encourage you to stick around these boards. There is a world full of knowledge here to be found and it's blatantly obvious that you need it.
Posted by JordanF13[/QUOTE]<div>EXCELLENT advice! I agree on bike shorts or something similar. I'm a chubby girl so rarely am I wearing a skirt/dress where I don't have on spanx that are like bike shorts. It slims me down a bit and keeps my thighs from rubbing together. She will likely appreciate that and nobody will know she has them on.</div><div>
</div><div>Regarding your dress, I can see how it's short. If she is a size 10 (or 12) shoe, she is likely pretty tall and those don't look like the longest (or most flattering) dresses in the world. I can understand her concerns.</div><div>
</div><div>Don't replace her. Be supportive. Talk to her mom if you must...but you chose to have her be a part of your day. That was YOUR decision.

</div>

Barbiiieee · January 2013

Find a new dress or get the dress altered. I am not an expert seamstress, but I do sew, and it seems like that would be an easy fix. If I were sewing it, I would find fabric in the same color and redo the waistband, because the rest of the dress is kinda flowy. If you make the waistband wider, you'd easily add an inch or two to the hemline. If not, She can wear a new dress. I'm guessing she's more of a jr. bridesmaid, and is much younger than your other BMs, so it would look just fine if she were dressed differently. You could also ask her if she would be more comfortable if she could wear tights underneath.

Its an awkward age, and a lot of kids at that age have a too-cool-for-school-attitude. She might just not feel comfortable being outwardly excited.

In any event, I think asking her to leave, or making her feel unwelcome will result in hurt feelings and even more of a "headache." You are better off just making it work.

Weezy56 · January 2013

I feel awfully bad for your cousin. She is a child for goodness sakes. Kicking her out because she's not excited enough for your wedding or because of weight gain would be extremely cruel. Please do not try to make it look like you are putting it on her by "giving her a way out". In the end it's only going to make you look bad. The only conversation you should be having with her about any of this is how you can make her attire more comfortable throughout the day, whether that be alterations, a different dress, etc.

[Deleted User] · January 2013

Even if the 13 year old is now less than enthusiastic, she's a part of your wedding party. To even entertain the thought of kicking her out of your bridal party is incredibly rude (even the passive-aggressive asking if they still want to be a part). Perhaps when you chose your dress, you should have selected one more flattering to all body types. You make this child's size seem like she is morbidly obses based on all your "fit" and "size" problems. This really won't help any self esteem or body image issues she may be struggling with at this phase in her life.

You are an adult and need to be mature, responsible and respectable about her situation. Maybe take her to lunch and have some girl time as she may need a non-parent adult to talk to about things. Being 13 is hard!

Maggie0829 · January 2013

She is 13 years old. Please take a moment and think back to when you were thirteen and all of the changes, hormones, and insecurities you had going on.

And, honestly, I think that dress is too short for a 13 year old. I don't care that the top is covered, the length is still inappropriate.

As for her shoes, I doubt she lied, she may have just been mistaken.

And really you are concerned over a stupid, waste of money, day of t-shirt.

OP, I think you need to have a bit more compassion for your cousin. This is a hard time for a young teenage girl and you are not helping matters by being more worried about your PPD then the feelings of your cousin.

[Deleted User] · January 2013

Ditto everything everyone else said. Not to mention, that dress? I'm technically well within the range of normal weight for my height, but I'm pretty hard on myself for my weight and how I look (a lifelong problem which, by the way, started when I was made fun of at age 12 for going through a growth spurt - I grew out before I grew up and was called many nasty, horrible names for it). A waist like that and something that short would make me feel INCREDIBLY self concious and uncomfortable - it's really not something that's flattering on all body types. Instead of fighting your cousin on something which might be able to make her feel a little bit less like crap about herself in that dress (the shorts), maybe find something that would work with the dress and the colors but also help her feel pretty and welcome at your day. I'm sure you could find some sort of spanks shorts or even cute, slimming leggings that would make her feel better about it.

bridalmarch · January 2013

The dress hits mid thigh on the skinny minny model. I'm 27 and a size 8/10 and I'd be very uncomfortable in that dress. It's way too short for a 13 year old.

Being 13 and overweight is already difficult without adding a bridezilla to the mix. Please think of this poor girl's feelings and then read over your post again. You should be ashamed.

jennylee813 · January 2013

Sounds like you need to grow up, not your cousin. She's going through the hardest part of her life - puberty - and you're getting a headache trying to accommodate her chubbiness/tomboyishness???

Let her and her mom pick out a more appropriate dress. Who NEEDS 'day of' shirts anyway?

She's not trying to ruin "your day"; she's trying to deal with growing up, her changing body, and being made to feel horribly uncomfortable by being squeezed into dress that is neither flattering nor appropriate for someone her age.

Why does becoming a bride seem to give some women licence to forget how to treat others?

RWolff · January 2013

Wow, that dress is short...Honestly, OP, do you care more about having all your BMs matching in tiny dresses than you do about the comfort of your young cousin, who you have already said is insecure? I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you are thinking of kicking her out to save her some anguish, but that's not the best solution. You need to find a way to make her more comfortable, and make sure that she knows that her comfort is important to you. As long as she knows this, she will probably be more willing to cooperate.

AdeleDazeem · January 2013

Is this real life? She's THIRTEEN.

Good gravy. You don't kick out your thirteen year old cousin. She's not acting the way you want because she's a kid who is growing up. That's normal and to be expected. I don't know what else to tell you.

AddieCake · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_younger-bridesmaid-not-cooperating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2bfc7906-53bd-40b9-b32f-599b6349f53bPost:78f4599b-cc77-4032-bcde-ea824d1b2691">Younger Bridesmaid not cooperating</a>:
[QUOTE] Any thoughts are greatly appreciated!
Posted by vancrane[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>See,you can't say this and then tell Vic to go post somewhere else. </div><div>
</div><div>Agree with everyone else. That dress is short, and even I would be a little self-conscious wearing it, especially if I were going to be outside in it at all. You really should find her another dress to wear. And you should have had her try on shoes. I wear an 8 1/2 or a 9 depending on the shoe. </div><div>
</div><div>Honestly, just roll with it. She is a teenager and doesn't care much about anything outside of her world right now.

</div>

Jen4948 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_younger-bridesmaid-not-cooperating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2bfc7906-53bd-40b9-b32f-599b6349f53bPost:78f4599b-cc77-4032-bcde-ea824d1b2691">Younger Bridesmaid not cooperating</a>:
[QUOTE]My youngest bridesmaid is my little cousin. She is 13. When she was 8, she asked if she could be in my wedding someday. I promised her then that she could be. Then, when I got engaged 2 and a half years ago when she was 11, I asked her to be a bridesmaid, following through on my promise. She said yes (not reluctantly, but not excitedly either). At age 11, when I asked her, she was going through an awkward/tomboy/chubby stage. I thought, as this usually is a time of change for pre-teens, she may grow out of this before the wedding so I just didn't worry about it then. Now, she is 13 and we are 5 months from my wedding. She has gained even more weight and become even more of a tomboy. When I purchased the BM dresses, I ordered her the largest size it came in and it fit her then. Over the past few months she has outgrown it. Well, she hasn't actually outgrown it, but it is kind of tight in the stomach and she says it is "uncomfortable'', but really any dress is uncomfortable to her, and she has made it clear many times that she wishes to wear shorts under the dress (it is really short) because she hates dresses. Also, she went to shop for BM shoes with me without her mom coming along. She lied to me and told me to order size 12 wide shoes for her. I found out later from her mom that she wears a size 10 wide so I will have to return the shoes. The shirts I ordered for my BMs to get ready in the day of did not come in her size, so I ordered a different but similar shirt for her but when they came in, the color is totally off and actually quite hideous. I am not holding it against her that she is a bigger girl, but it is becoming such a headache for me. The headache of having to cater to her to get something that fits her and she is "comfortable" in would totally be worth it if she seemed like she cared at all or even wanted to be a part of my big day. At this point, it is too late for me to add another BM to replace her. My question is<strong> should I just leave well enough alone</strong> and include a BM that I know doesn't want to be in the party or ask her outright and if she says she doesn't want to be a part of it just forget the headache all together. I just worry about offending her (and her parents) if she does actually care and just doesn't show it. Any thoughts are greatly appreciated!
Posted by vancrane[/QUOTE]

You should leave well enough alone. The fact that you consider the size and weight of a 13-year-old girl a "headache" and are considering dropping her from your wedding party over it shows that you really, really, really need to rethink your priorities.

Maybe if you showed more concern about her feelings, she might show more enthusiasm for being in your wedding party.

jlm9113 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_younger-bridesmaid-not-cooperating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2bfc7906-53bd-40b9-b32f-599b6349f53bPost:895619cf-25f7-4021-b13d-68e5faa99874">Re: Younger Bridesmaid not cooperating</a>:
[QUOTE]I did not post this to be attacked. If you want to be rude please find another post to be rude on. I will post a link to the dresses. They are above the knee, but also have a high neckline and sleeves. I think it is appropriate. I included the fact that they are short dresses to show that shorts would show under them. This is not about "kicking her out". I would never do that. I am asking if I should give her the option in case she feels like she has to be in the wedding. I don't want to make her do something she is uncomfortable with. Here is the dress: <a href="http://us.asos.com/Darling-Lace-Amelia-Dress/xkiik/?iid=2024531&cid=8799&Rf-200=3&sh=0&pge=0&pgesize=200&sort=-1&clr=Aquablue&fb_source=message&r=2&mporgp=L0RhcmxpbmcvRGFybGluZy1MYWNlLUFtZWxpYS1EcmVzcy9Qcm9kLw.." rel="nofollow">http://us.asos.com/Darling-Lace-Amelia-Dress/xkiik/?iid=2024531&cid=8799&Rf-200=3&sh=0&pge=0&pgesize=200&sort=-1&clr=Aquablue&fb_source=message&r=2&mporgp=L0RhcmxpbmcvRGFybGluZy1MYWNlLUFtZWxpYS1EcmVzcy9Qcm9kLw..</a>
Posted by vancrane[/QUOTE]

Let her wear a pair of volleyball shorts or something underneath. I'm an adult, and I'D be a little uncomfortable in a dress of that length. Or let her wear a different but similar dress altogether. I promise, at the end of the day, you'll still be married.

jlm9113 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_younger-bridesmaid-not-cooperating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2bfc7906-53bd-40b9-b32f-599b6349f53bPost:ebd6ccae-5d26-4607-a5b3-4de5b4a0db81">Re: Younger Bridesmaid not cooperating</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Younger Bridesmaid not cooperating : You should leave well enough alone. The fact that you consider the size and weight of a 13-year-old girl a "headache" and are considering dropping her from your wedding party over it shows that you really, really, really need to rethink your priorities. Maybe if you showed more concern about her feelings, she might show more enthusiasm for being in your wedding party.
Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

This times 1000.

I remember my awkward stage and there's no way in h3ll you would have convinced me to wear the dress you linked, whether it was your wedding or not. I probably still wouldn't wear it today (except in the case of being a BM) since it's a dress that's only flattering on a very specific body type.

You wouldn't like someone forcing you to wear an extremely unflattering and uncomfortable bridal gown, would you? That would suck, wouldn't it? Add teenage hormones, angst and self-consciousness into the mix and take into consideration how uncomfortable your cousin (your COUSIN for goodness sake) would feel in that dress.

zitiqueen · January 2013

I can't believe you have your BMs wearing babydoll dresses.

MairePoppy · January 2013

Your cousin is acting like a 13 year old. At that age kids grow quickly in height and body shape. Why did you order her dress and shoes so early? Common sense would have gone a long way to avoiding this problem.

TBH, I'm confused about that dress. Do you have adult bms that are wearing it? To me, it looks like a toddler's dress that is made in adult sizes. Your cousin is at an age where she probably wants to look more grown up. You should work with her mom to find a dress style that suits her.

If everyone, including the teenager, agrees that she will wear that dress, let her wear some shorts or spanx underneath. If you are worried about the shorts showing, imagine what will be showing if she isn't wearing them.

HobokensFury · January 2013

OP I really want to believe you're not this cruel and self centered.

MairePoppy · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_younger-bridesmaid-not-cooperating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2bfc7906-53bd-40b9-b32f-599b6349f53bPost:78f4599b-cc77-4032-bcde-ea824d1b2691">Younger Bridesmaid not cooperating</a>:
[QUOTE] The shirts I ordered for my BMs to get ready in the day of did not come in her size, so I ordered a different but similar shirt for her but when they came in, the color is totally off and actually quite hideous. <u><em><strong>Any thoughts are greatly appreciated!</strong></em></u>
Posted by vancrane[/QUOTE]

Well that's on you. You ordered the hideous shirt.

StephJean83 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_younger-bridesmaid-not-cooperating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:2bfc7906-53bd-40b9-b32f-599b6349f53bPost:7effca9e-484f-421c-accb-1eebf856ec9c">Re: Younger Bridesmaid not cooperating</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Younger Bridesmaid not cooperating : See,you can't say this and then tell Vic to go post somewhere else. Agree with everyone else. That dress is short, and even I would be a little self-conscious wearing it, especially if I were going to be outside in it at all. You really should find her another dress to wear. <strong>And you should have had her try on shoes. I wear an 8 1/2 or a 9 depending on the shoe.</strong> Honestly, just roll with it. She is a teenager and doesn't care much about anything outside of her world right now.
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

My sisters and I had to learn very early in life how to try on and buy shoes properly for ourselves since our mom cannot for the life of her buy proper fitting shoes. For years my mom had me believing I need 8W because I couldn't fit into her shoes and I come to find out she buys 8N and her feet by no means are narrow.

OP, not to knock your aunt but sometimes the parents aren't the best judge of what size shoe the child wears, it is the child. Like Addie said, you should have had her try the shoes on in store before buying the shoes.

girl4182 · January 2013

Oh gosh! I'm really hoping that this is just a matter of you not coming off the way you ment to and not how you actually are because this doesn't portray a very flattering image of your self.

I think it's very sweet that you honoured a promises made to an 8 year old girl. Unfortunely for you though little girls grow up and aren't always the easiest to deal with while doing that growing. You made the choice to keep your promise and I think that it's very important that you continue to do so. I think it would be in very poor taste to kick a 13 year old girl out of your wedding, whether she's family or not.

If she is gaining weight that can't be easier to go through, especially when she needs to put on a little dress that she normally wouldn't even consider and walk down an asile for all to see. How would you feel wearing your wedding dress all night if you weren't comfortable? How would you feel posing for pictures that will be around for the rest of your life if you didn't feel comfortable?

You need to try and be as understanding and compromising as possible because she is 13, and 13 is still a child. Maybe sit down and talk to her, find out what can be done to make her feel comfortable and excited like she was when you first asked her.

Remember, she is a child and your cousin, not someone you can trample on and toss aside. She probably looks up to you. Don't let her down.

kmmssg · January 2013

That dress is freaking short!! I raised 4 girls and was never a prude, but my girls 13 yo girls wouldn't be wearing that in a wedding. Agree with what everyone else has said, but you seriously need to re-evaluate the length of that dress.

daveANDkristen · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_younger-bridesmaid-not-cooperating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:2bfc7906-53bd-40b9-b32f-599b6349f53bPost:78f4599b-cc77-4032-bcde-ea824d1b2691">Younger Bridesmaid not cooperating</a>:
[QUOTE]My youngest bridesmaid is my little cousin. She is 13. When she was 8, she asked if she could be in my wedding someday. I promised her then that she could be. Then, when I got engaged 2 and a half years ago when she was 11, I asked her to be a bridesmaid, following through on my promise. She said yes (not reluctantly, but not excitedly either). At age 11, when I asked her, she was going through an awkward/tomboy/chubby stage. I thought, as this usually is a time of change for pre-teens, she may grow out of this before the wedding so I just didn't worry about it then. Now, she is 13 and we are 5 months from my wedding. She has gained even more weight and become even more of a tomboy. When I purchased the BM dresses, I ordered her the largest size it came in and it fit her then. Over the past few months she has outgrown it. Well, she hasn't actually outgrown it, but it is kind of tight in the stomach and she says it is "uncomfortable'', but really any dress is uncomfortable to her, and she has made it clear many times that she wishes to wear shorts under the dress (it is really short) because she hates dresses.

<strong>A person is more important than a dress. If the dress is ill-fitting or uncomfortable, she should not be forced to wear it just so she looks like a clone of your other BMs. I would consider looking for a similar looking dress in a more suitable style/length. We could probably help you with that, if you let us know her size and which color you chose. Otherwise, why not let her wear tights under the dress. That would probably help her feel less self-conscious about the length.

</strong>Also, she went to shop for BM shoes with me without her mom coming along. She lied to me and told me to order size 12 wide shoes for her. I found out later from her mom that she wears a size 10 wide so I will have to return the shoes.

<strong>Why do you think she would lie about that? Do you think maybe she was just mistaken? I don't understand what her end game would have been if she was intentionally lying about her shoe size... is returning them a very big deal? I feel like I'm missing something here, sorry.</strong>

The shirts I ordered for my BMs to get ready in the day of did not come in her size, so I ordered a different but similar shirt for her but when they came in, the color is totally off and actually quite hideous.

<strong>While they can make for some cute getting-ready pictures, I guess, nobody really values these sort of things. If you were worried about all of the shirts matching, you probably should have selected a shirt which was available in her size. </strong>

I am not holding it against her that she is a bigger girl,

<strong>It kinda sounds like you are...</strong>

but it is becoming such a headache for me. The headache of having to cater to her to get something that fits her and she is "comfortable" in would totally be worth it if she seemed like she cared at all or even wanted to be a part of my big day.

<strong>I'm sure that you love this cousin and it sounds like you were/are pretty close if you asked her to be in your WP. Try not to sweat the small stuff so much and I am sure you'll find that these headaches can be avoided. I agree with a PP who said that a lot of kids that age (people in general, in my experience) are not very showy with their emotions. One of my BMs in particular is one of my best friends, who never really acted giddy about the wedding or anything. I know she would have been hurt if I hadn't asked her though, and I know that it meant a lot to her to be a BM. She is just not very outward about her emotions. I'm sure your cousin cares to be a part of your "big day" and more importantly your life. </strong>

At this point, it is too late for me to add another BM to replace her.

<strong>There is no right time to replace a BM. Just FYI.</strong>

My question is should I just leave well enough alone and include a BM that I know doesn't want to be in the party

<strong>Yes leave well enough alone. But you don't KNOW she doesn't want to be in your WP. You are assuming/hoping because she is causing you so many "headaches"</strong>

or ask her outright and if she says she doesn't want to be a part of it just forget the headache all together. I just worry about offending her (and her parents) if she does actually care and just doesn't show it.

<strong>I'm pretty sure she and her parents would be offended if you offered to "let her off the hook". If she is truly uncomfortable wearing the dress, or it plain does not fit her, she and her mom would come to you and say that. If that does happen, hopefully you will offer her a more comfortable dress. If you don't give that option I guess she will remove herself from the wedding as a result.</strong>

Any thoughts are greatly appreciated!

<strong>When you post here, you are publishing your question to people all over the world. You would be unreasonable to expect only agreeable replies. Please consider that before you tell people not to reply with answers you don't want to hear.</strong>
Posted by vancrane[/QUOTE]

mcda04 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_younger-bridesmaid-not-cooperating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2bfc7906-53bd-40b9-b32f-599b6349f53bPost:78f4599b-cc77-4032-bcde-ea824d1b2691">Younger Bridesmaid not cooperating</a>:
[QUOTE]My youngest bridesmaid is my little cousin. She is 13. When she was 8, she asked if she could be in my wedding someday. I promised her then that she could be. Then, when I got engaged 2 and a half years ago when she was 11, I asked her to be a bridesmaid, following through on my promise. She said yes (not reluctantly, but not excitedly either). At age 11, when I asked her, she was going through an awkward/tomboy/chubby stage. I thought, as this usually is a time of change for pre-teens, she may grow out of this before the wedding so I just didn't worry about it then. Now, she is 13 and we are 5 months from my wedding. She has gained even more weight and become even more of a tomboy. <strong>When I purchased the BM dresses, I ordered her the largest size it came in and it fit her then. Over the past few months she has outgrown it. Well, she hasn't actually outgrown it, but it is kind of tight in the stomach and she says it is "uncomfortable'</strong>', but really any dress is uncomfortable to her, and she has made it clear many times that she wishes to wear shorts under the dress (it is really short) because she hates dresses. Also, she went to shop for BM shoes with me without her mom coming along. She lied to me and told me to order size 12 wide shoes for her. I found out later from her mom that she wears a size 10 wide so I will have to return the shoes. The shirts I ordered for my BMs to get ready in the day of did not come in her size, so I ordered a different but similar shirt for her but when they came in, the color is totally off and actually quite hideous. I am not holding it against her that she is a bigger girl, but it is becoming such a headache for me. The headache of having to cater to her to get something that fits her and she is "comfortable" in would totally be worth it if she seemed like she cared at all or even wanted to be a part of my big day. At this point, it is too late for me to add another BM to replace her. My question is should I just leave well enough alone and include a BM that I know doesn't want to be in the party or ask her outright and if she says she doesn't want to be a part of it just forget the headache all together. I just worry about offending her (and her parents) if she does actually care and just doesn't show it. Any thoughts are greatly appreciated!
Posted by vancrane[/QUOTE]

How early did you buy the dresses? It's always a bad idea to buy BM dresses too soon. You have a pre-teen in your BP so of course her body was going to change, you sound very judgemental about her weight and personality.

Would you be as upset if she had lost a lot of weight? You just emphasize the weight gain numerous times in your post and it's a little disturbing considering she's a kid.

The dress you showed us is actually short for my liking too. It's cute but if she's uncomfortable; she should be able to wear shorts underneath.

MyNameIsNot · January 2013

There are no words for how cruel and superficial this OP is. I refuse to believe this is real.

NYCMercedes · January 2013

If she wears a size 10 shoe, then she is probably a large framed girl and possibly quite tall. The XL in that dress is only a US size 12. No wonder she is not happy with the dress. Can you buy another dress so you have extra material for the seamstress to use to alter the dress for her?

Dreamergirl8812 · January 2013

I think you should take your cousin out to coffee or shopping or something. Ask how she's doing. Clearly your wedding is just magnifying deeper insecurities/puberty issues. Ask her how she feels about the wedding. Is she excited? Is she distracted and won't really be excited until the day-of? Is she horrified by the idea of wearing that dress? Is she horrified by the idea of wearing ANY dress?

See what she says. I don't think you're being horrible for wanting to figure out where her head is. I understand the PPs who said that the dress is too short, but having her wearing something totally different from everyone else may just highlight her size and make her stand out in a way that can be awful for a young girl.

Which is why you should ask. Maybe she doesn't want to be in your wedding (she probably can't just randomly come out and tell you that if it doesn't come up). But you can probably get to the bottom of this without directly asking her if she wants to be in your wedding.

Just tell her that it seems like aspects of it are bothering her and you want to know what you can do to make her more comfortable. But you need to do something. I was never overweight but man did I have insecurities at 13. And just getting up in front of 100 people would have been terrifying.

And someone else having to send shoes back because my feet were too big? And I just won't stop growing so now I don't fit into this cute little dress? That sounds like 13 year old girl hell.

Younger Bridesmaid not cooperating

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