Moms and Maids

Help! Should I demote MOH or not?

When I got engaged I asked my best friend to be my maid of honor and he said yes. Than shortly after he has not appered intrested in helping at all. He has not showned up for any wedding planning, wont return my calls/emails/texts. Hes gay so its not like he has a thing for me and I know he is not in school or busy he partys all the time. Should I demote him or not? There is another briadsmaid that is very well deserving of the position. She has helped with everything and is always there for me and my fiance.

Re: Help! Should I demote MOH or not?

  • edited December 2011
    He doesn't have to help. MOH/BMs have no jobs to speak of - they are not required to help you plan, or plan parties for you, or any of that stuff. They are only required to show up on the day sober and smile for pictures. If they offer with any of the other stuff, great - but it doesn't sound like he has.

    How long has he been quiet for? Maybe you should check in - non wedding related - and see how things are going in his life. Maybe there's an issue he hasn't wanted to talk about yet.

    You shouldn't choose MOH based on who will help you more. Like I said, and many posters will tell you - that's not required. If its only been a couple weeks and you'd really like this girl to be MOH because you feel close to her, by all means.

    But in that case, have two. Do not demote your other friend. It's a friendship-ending move in a lot of cases and its just really a jerky thing to do.
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    It's no one's job to plan your wedding but you and your FI. 

    Also, if you're going to post this on more than one board, please label it XP.



  • em01092em01092 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Try to think of this as a friend issue, not a MOH issue. Pretend you are not engaged and he is not your MOH. How would you handle this if he was not your MOH? I would call him out about not returning your calls and texts and tell him you feel hurt/miss him. 

    Have you been asking him what's up in his life? Brides often get wedding blinders, especially at the very beginning and right before the wedding, but he has his own life too. He is under no obligation to help you plan or attend every wedding related appointment with you, but if he does, that's fine. 


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  • KarenofcourseKarenofcourse member
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think you might be confused on the MOH duties.  All he has to do is show up in the outfit you picked out on a specific day, time, place, stand with you at the alter and possibly hold your bouquet when you exchange rings and possibly sign your marriage license.  Nothing else is required.
  • edited December 2011
    OMG, why does every bride on these boards think that asking a friend to be MOH is synonymous with hiring them to be your wedding planner... for FREE?

    MOH does NOT = wedding planner!

    Some MOHs are really close relatives and friends and sometimes they really love wedding planning so they'll offer to help with stuff, but it is SO not part of the job requirement!
  • edited December 2011
    All of your points are very true. I just thought because I would help in any way with what ever he dose in life that he would do the same. I do relize I am just that kind of person and not every one would go out of there way to help. Thanks for the posts it helped. Laughing
  • Figgy72410Figgy72410 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Planning your wedding is NOT your MOH's job.  It's you, your FH, and whoever is helping you out finacially's job.

    You're MOH's job is to stand up there and bear witness to your marriage and toast your nuptuals.  Anything else they may try to put together (Bridal shower/bachelorette) is icing on the cake, but not a given.
  • edited December 2011
    Just because he's gay doesn't mean he has any interest in wedding planning.
    image
  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_should-demote-moh-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:c0ec0870-def6-42ad-9803-987c279d1468Post:6c9798b1-403e-4e58-9906-38902f181cb4">Re: Help! Should I demote MOH or not?</a>:
    [QUOTE]All of your points are very true.<strong> I just thought because I would help in any way</strong> with what ever he dose in life that he would do the same. I do relize I am just that kind of person and not every one would go out of there way to help. Thanks for the posts it helped.
    Posted by tomandrosa[/QUOTE]

    And that's the <em>choice</em> you make. The choices you make in your life aren't going to be the same choices everybody else makes in their life.

  • edited December 2011
    I read a few of the responses and now I kinda feel bad for voting yes, but i still stick with it! Maybe your MOH doesn't isn't REQUIRED to help you do anything but they should want to! I just feel that if my closest friend was getting married and they asked me to be the maid of honor I would want to help her out as much as possible! Especially if she wasn't getting all Bridezilla on me.
  • tldhtldh member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_should-demote-moh-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:c0ec0870-def6-42ad-9803-987c279d1468Post:6b3a747a-a64a-4f28-be53-3d2a48dd75fd">Re: Help! Should I demote MOH or not?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I read a few of the responses and now I kinda feel bad for voting yes, but i still stick with it! Maybe your MOH doesn't isn't REQUIRED to help you do anything but they should want to! I just feel that if my closest friend was getting married and they asked me to be the maid of honor I would want to help her out as much as possible! Especially if she wasn't getting all Bridezilla on me.
    Posted by brendeezyxo[/QUOTE]

    Why should someone want to help plan someone else's wedding?  I've kicked in as helped with some things when I was a MOH or a BM but for my own wedding, I told my MOH to just get a dress she liked and show up.  I've also not been part of a BP and still helped with that friend's wedding.  Not everyone likes wedding planning and it should have no bearing on whether the person is close enough with you to be her MOH.
    image
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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_should-demote-moh-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:c0ec0870-def6-42ad-9803-987c279d1468Post:6b3a747a-a64a-4f28-be53-3d2a48dd75fd">Re: Help! Should I demote MOH or not?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I read a few of the responses and now I kinda feel bad for voting yes, but i still stick with it! Maybe your MOH doesn't isn't REQUIRED to help you do anything but they should want to!<strong> I just feel that if my closest friend was getting married and they asked me to be the maid of honor I would want to help her out as much as possible!</strong> Especially if she wasn't getting all Bridezilla on me.
    Posted by brendeezyxo[/QUOTE]

    And again, that is a <em>choice</em> that you make. Expecting others to make the same choices you make is unrealistic and a little immature.

  • edited December 2011
    You sound kind of full of yourself. Why is it pertinent to this issue that he does or does not have a thing for you? Also, he is not responsible for doing anything more than coming to your wedding in a previously agreed upon outfit and smiling in the photos. Reevaluate what this wedding is really about.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_should-demote-moh-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:c0ec0870-def6-42ad-9803-987c279d1468Post:9f068eec-f5a4-4c5e-9b00-c78fe936ad54">Re: Help! Should I demote MOH or not?</a>:
    [QUOTE]A bride should ask her fiance for help if she needs it.  She's marrying him, not her wedding party.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    Couldn't have said it better myself, this exactly!
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  • jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    OP - I'm glad you've 'seen the light'.  You choose your MOH based on who is closest to you, not for what they can do for you.  Demoting someone is a friendship ending move, so doesn't it sound ridiculous to end your entire friendship with someone just because they couldn't or didn't want to help you pick out your centerpieces for a ONE DAY party?

    Yes, typically people want to help out to a certain extent, but realize that no one will be as excited for your wedding as you are.  People have other priorities in their own lives and can't just drop everything to help plan your wedding, nor should they. 
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    My best friend is also gay, he was my Man of Honor and I also had my best girlfriend be my MOH.  DH had a best man and a best woman to even it out. Do that. The best woman walked down the aisle first while all the guys were already up there, and joined DH's side.  Then I had all my BM's go and then my MOH and ManOH walked together before the FG/RB

    Everyone on here is going to tell you not to demote him and that he has no obligation to help with planning. Which is true, so just do what I did and make everyone happy. It worked out awesome!
    Celebrate we will, cause life is short but sweet for certain....
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