LDR vs. marriage

heyimbren · July 2010

this is something that i've been mulling over in my head for a while now.

BACKGROUND (a summary):
i'm in a great relationship right now. we both see it as heading towards marriage someday (not toooooo far off. within the next 6 years probably? as a ballpark? haha)
i want to be a lawyer. my undergrad graduation date is June 2012.
BF wants to be a firefighter. his expected graduation date is December 2012.

i'm planning to apply to schools all over the country. it could be anywhere from an hour drive to a five hour flight away from home.

we've already decided we would not like to live with each other before we are married (personal beliefs- that has been decided already. please be respectful of that). so for us to just move in together while i'm in school is not what we would wish to do. he has said that if i choose to move across the country (or to another province) then he has no problem with that. i appreciate that, but i want to do what is best for both of us. i know LD relationships are possible, but i'm also aware that they can be really difficult!

so here's where your opinion comes in: assuming i do move far away for school, i'm not sure if we would prefer to try a LDR while i'm in law school, or get married either just before/while i'm in law school. neither are what i would call "ideal" times, but i'm not sure there ever is an "ideal" time to get married and make that transition.
my BF and i have already discussed this as well. and i do acknowledge that the ultimate decision is, of course, up to us.
i am aware that all of this would also depend on our readiness and maturity to get married, where i'm accepted to school, where he can get a job, etc. i'm just curious to hear some opinions on schooling while either LDR or married!

heyimbren · July 2010

oh, i should also add that finances aren't a HUGE concern. i'll be debt free when i graduate in 2012, as should he, and i already have savings for law school as well as other funding. we're very fortunate in that aspect.

KatyRoseM · July 2010

A lot of people get divorced in law school. Of course a lot also get married. Many of my married friends say it helps, but they are not in LD marriages. Would he move to where you were if you were married?

I would say that long distance would be harder on your studies than being with him. Further if he is nicely supportive and would be helpful for studying being married would be good for you. The problem come from the law student getting stressed and being not so nice to others. Could he deal with that? Would those extra tensions hurt your marriage? Some people want to get through it before they marry.

These all depend on your relationship. Personally I think getting married first would be good, you don't have the distance (if you still would then I change my mind) and you have his support. Also right after law school is still a tense time, so its not much better to get used to living with him then.

Hope that helped.

MrsMLRB · July 2010

I was in a similar situation. FI and I were together throughout most of college (we started dating at the end of freshman year). The last semester of senior year I went home to student teach while he was still in school (about 3 hours away). He then spent a year abroad while I was in my first year teaching. When he returned he went to law school 400 miles away. I chose not to move with him at that time because I wasn't ready to leave all my friends and family.

Long distance relationships are hard. They take a lot of work. However, this has definitely been the best plan for FI and I. He has been able to focus on getting good grades and I have not been stuck in a city with no friends or family and the only person I know being too busy studying to spend time with me. You are going to be very busy all your years of law school. Then, you just have to worry about your FI coming to visit (or you going there) once a month and you can get everything done ahead of time and have a nice weekend together. Is it ideal? Of course not. But iif you really think that your FI and you are meant to be together, then you will be able to make it work.

Personally, I don't advise anyone to get married right after college. I know I will get a lot of flack on this board but the younger you get married the more likely you are to divorce. Obviously this is not always the case and I am sure that there are lots of people out here who got married at 18 and are still married today. But I have also met a lot of people who got married around 20 and are now divorced. But, as I said, this is just my two cents.

Maere · July 2010

if it helps, I know of relationships that have worked when two people were married and went to different schools away from each other. They missed each other alot but they came and visited each other as often as they could. That is something to look into if you want.

LauraT25 · July 2010

I think it boils down to whether or not you want to get married now. I don't think you should get married just because you'd prefer not have an LDR. It sounds like IF you got married, your boyfriend would be moving wherever you go, rather than having a long-distance marriage. Since you say finances aren't a concern, it seems that your boyfriend should be just as willing to move, and live separately, if that is the case.

If you were planning on having a long-distance marriage, I don't see how that's any different from having an LDR. In fact, I think it's better to keep it as an LDR for a while and make sure the two of you are ready for marriage even after major life changes like moving, going to law school, etc. Many people change a LOT after graduation - a lot of couples change together, and some grow apart. There's no need to rush the marriage, because if you're truly right for each other now, you still will be in a few years.

Once you have some experience being college graduates, and a law student and a fireman, you can revisit the issue. I don't know how long you've been together, but if you're traditional students then you guys are only ~20 years old, so you have plenty of time to figure things out. However, if you truly feel like you should get married NOW, regardless of moving and whatnot, then that's your decision.

aggiebug · July 2010

I am currently in a LDR (3hrs) because I am finishing up school. We decided we did not want to be married and in a LDR. Because we knew we couldn't be in the same city while I was still in school we are waiting until I graduate (9 days after actually) to get married.

As far as getting married right after school I think it depends. I think getting married right after law school is very different than getting married right after undergrad. I will be 25 when I graduate from vet school and while that is still young I know that is where I want my life to go, and we will be financially stable when I graduate. I think a lot of the "young marriage" problem is due to the strain of finanacial instability on the relationship. You are both going to be debt free and have to prospect of a healthy income that I think getting married right out of school can be a very comfortable transition.

heyimbren · July 2010

thank you so much for all the thoughts and considerations.

it wouldn't be a long-distance marriage. he's told me before he'd be willing to move with me. but two people in a city where they know no one besides each other seems almost like a waste to me.

i really am worried about the stress of law school - but to be fair, i'm not even sure i'll go right now. but it is a big consideration.

i don't want to decide anything right now (naturally), but i do appreciate all the different perspectives! i am leaning towards the idea of trying a year of law school first, and then seeing how things progress after that. but who knows- it could be sooner or later.

Laura, i really like how you put it. to wait for a bit and see how things change at first. without rushing into things "just because". and while i'm going the traditional route, so i'm about 20, he's 2 years older. but we're still in our early 20s: still very young.

GJones27 · July 2010

I'm in a similar situation. I had an international long distance relationship with a wonderful guy I met during study abroad. He got a job in the U.S. by getting a company to sponsor him, and we're getting married three months before I start law school next year. We have never lived together before marriage due to religious beliefs. And we might have to be long-distance our first year of marriage, as he'll be finishing up the last year of an MBA program in Boston and who knows where law school will take me. But we're a bit older than you... we'll both be 26 years old when we get married next year.

Long-distance is hard, I won't lie, but if you two love each and if your relationship is strong, you'll get through it. Don't let fearmongerers worry you. And if you can't survive dating or marriage in law school, your relationship wasn't strong enough to get you through decades of marriage. If you're married during law school I hear, you're able to "tune off" the stress of studies. My impression is that married law students do better than non-married law students who date. You just can't break up with your spouse for reasons of "convenience" like non-married students do.

You're right, there's never an ideal time. It's also the case with us. I would get married when your heart says to get married. My humble two cents.

LauraT25 · July 2010

I'm glad you didn't take my advice the wrong way - I'm not trying to say you're too young to get married, by any means. But you have some big changes coming up soon and it might be worthwhile to adjust to one thing at a time!

aggiebug · July 2010

as far as law school goes- if you are not sure you want to do it I would be hesitant to encourage you to do so. The market for lawyers right now is pitiful, I have several friends coming out of law school with no prospective jobs. So that is just something to think about. Obviously if you find that it really is what you love and want to do it then go for it, but if you are hesitant I would really evaluate what your goals in life are and if you would be just as happy in a different career path.

I think waiting until you have finished a year of law school before getting married is an excellent idea. Professional school is very stressful and so is learning to live together so adding those two things can spell disaster. I think you are approaching things with the right attitude and I want to applaude you for that.

heyimbren · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_ldr-vs-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:684Discussion:a267cbc2-862b-4271-bfba-a6793484846bPost:f8abb844-6df8-4f82-8b76-815e65fa0555">Re: LDR vs. marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]as far as law school goes- if you are not sure you want to do it I would be hesitant to encourage you to do so. The market for lawyers right now is pitiful, I have several friends coming out of law school with no prospective jobs. So that is just something to think about. Obviously if you find that it really is what you love and want to do it then go for it, but if you are hesitant I would really evaluate what your goals in life are and if you would be just as happy in a different career path. I think waiting until you have finished a year of law school before getting married is an excellent idea. Professional school is very stressful and so is learning to live together so adding those two things can spell disaster. I think you are approaching things with the right attitude and I want to applaude you for that.
Posted by aggiebug[/QUOTE]

thank you :)

i agree with what you said about law school. however, i'm fortuante to be in a "unique" situation. both my grandfather and uncle are lawyers and i actually work at their law firm when i'm not in school. it's a small firm, but it also means i have a guaranteed job in the field of law that i enjoy (my grandfather is hoping to retire right around the time i'd be entering the field), and i also have had MUCH firsthand experience.

honestly, i think i'd just like to be a housewife... eventually. but until then, i want my own independent life and income on my own. and i do enjoy the type of work. but i am afraid that once i have a family (with children) that a career in law may be too time-consuming.

aggiebug · July 2010

well thats a sweet deal! you are very lucky with that situation for sure. good luck with all your decisions.

oh and I know exactly what you mean about being a housewife/ stay at home mom. That is what grew up with and I know I would be very comfortable in that situation. I dont know how comfortable I would be if I worked when I have kids actually. That has been a constant struggle with me in vet school. Getting this big education and feeling responsible to my title as "dr" as well as "mom". I still have no clue how I will balance my work and family- I guess only time will tell.

lynniearudner · July 2010

ill tell you my story, i dont know if it will help, but here you go.

im an MD/PhD student in utah.

my FI lives in upstate NY. he owns his own business there, and he has a daughter there.

we're in the 4th year of an LDR. We marry in october, and will continue to be in an LD marriage for 2 more years.

this is NOT ideal. i know of couples with all of the above challenges, but i dont know of a single one with all 4 together. id love to meet some!

trust me, i didnt exactly plan it this way.... but i will say i am happier now than i have ever been before. challenges and all.

HOWEVER -- i think its important for you to do in life what you want to do. i wouldnt choose to stop schooling just because of family. of course, sometimes that makes sense, but so many people balance both of these, and do it successfully.

i think a great sign is that your BF is supportive of your aspirations. thats really important.

good luck!

ledalia · July 2010

Personally, I think you are worrying way too much about the future. Your graduation date is almost two years away. A lot happens in two years: your plans may change, and you may grow apart. Since you are not even engaged yet, I wouldn't worry about when to get married. I don't think that getting married because you are concerned about whether or not a LD relationship would work is the right idea. I'm applying to grad school this fall, up to ten schools all over the country, and Matt has arranged his plans for school and a career so that he will have no problems settling wherever we end up moving. If your BF wants to be a firefighter, he should have no problems finding a job in whatever city you move to. If your relationship is still going strong and you decide to become engaged by the time you graduate, you can plan your wedding so that you are married and living together before you start law school. Don't make plans prematurely because they WILL change.

heyimbren · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_ldr-vs-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:684Discussion:a267cbc2-862b-4271-bfba-a6793484846bPost:fefb2c35-f0b1-44f4-af33-116e024dc6c1">Re: LDR vs. marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]Personally, I think you are worrying way too much about the future. Your graduation date is almost two years away. A lot happens in two years: your plans may change, and you may grow apart. Since you are not even engaged yet, I wouldn't worry about when to get married. I don't think that getting married because you are concerned about whether or not a LD relationship would work is the right idea. I'm applying to grad school this fall, up to ten schools all over the country, and Matt has arranged his plans for school and a career so that he will have no problems settling wherever we end up moving. If your BF wants to be a firefighter, he should have no problems finding a job in whatever city you move to. If your relationship is still going strong and you decide to become engaged by the time you graduate, you can plan your wedding so that you are married and living together before you start law school. Don't make plans prematurely because they WILL change.
Posted by ledalia[/QUOTE]

oh no worries, i'm not making plans about this (well besides school, that requires some planning haha).
i think it's more the thought of trying to balance school/career with a family in the future that i find... intimdating? i think that's a good word to describe it. i wouldn't get married just because i didn't want a LD relationship. perhaps i worded my posts in a way that didn't convey what i really meant. what i'm really curious about is how people find being married while in school vs. LDR in school.
i completely agree with what you said about not knowing how things might work out and change in time. that's a given. but regardless of whether i'm with THIS current BF or a different one later on, my concerns are still the same.
also, i'll be finished my undergrad studies in less than 2 years. just to clarify :) and while that isn't *soon* it is sooner than it sounds.

aggiebug- you pretty much described exactly how i feel. i guess some soul-searching may be in order? haha
i think i really want to go to law school so i can have a career in case things with family don't work out. but i think my greater passion is for family, not career. but it is tricky to find a balance for both!

kalizoomba · August 2010

I didn't read all the replies, so this may have been said already... I would not recommend a long distance marriage. An older friend of mine who's been married for 20 years has only seen her husband on Christmas for 1 or 2 days for the last 18 years. She's fairly happen. I can't vouch for him. I honestly didn't even know she was married until a few years ago when he was in the hospital and she took off work to go see him.

I would hate to never see my husband. I'm in a long distance relationship the way it is, but I get to see him about once a week.

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