Having a church wedding - not everyone invited to reception - HELP!!!

rdillardesq · September 2012

I'm getting married at my church (where I am very active) which of course equals a general invitation to the membership to the wedding. The wedding is going to be held on a Sunday also, a couple of hours after church services. However, clearly we are on a budget and I can't pay for everyone to attend my reception which is going to be held across town. I am already going to send out seperate invitations to individuals who are church members that I WILL be inviting to the recption, but is there a better way to handle all of this? I just want to make sure that even if there are hurt feelings, at least I handled it appropriately.

AdeleDazeem · September 2012

Send wedding invitations (ceremony + reception info) to those you are inviting to the whole she-bang.

Anyone else who is a church member should NOT receive any kind of invitation in the mail. Churches are public places and members wishing to see your ceremony are free to come if they wish. However, the problem arises when you formally invite them. Don't do it.

ginadog · September 2012

Church situations like this are sticky!

If I were you, I'd send the invitations to those that are invited to the ceremony and reception - call that your guest list. Don't do separate lists.

With the rest of the congregation that you weren't considering inviting to the reception but you know they will show up anyway - just don't send them anything. Let them read the news on your church's bulletin board or wherever they will learn of the event. Do not do an invitation for those. You cannot stop them from coming!

I think that is how you do it etiquette wise.

rdillardesq · September 2012

Thanks ladies - that's exactly what I was thinking. If someone were to ask however, is it rude to just say we are having a small reception and keep it at that? Or should I have our Pastor (jokingly) make an announcement during services maybe a month before that not everyone is invited to the reception (he tends to do things like that). I am really only inviting about 10 members to the reception but I know at least 150 will be at the ceremony.

ginadog · September 2012

I hope no one directly asks you, "So where's the reception!"

But I'm sure someone will.

Hmm, I guess I'd say the reception is only for family/close friends. I wouldn't have the Pastor say anything. I guess the reception info will not be public info so hopefully know one will crash it!

AdeleDazeem · September 2012

No, no... don't have your pastor say anything.

If anyone comes up to you that does not receive an invitation asking about the reception, say something like "Oh, it's a small affair. How is your aunt doing?"

I'd keep details and talk of the wedding to a minimum at all times with those who are not invited to everything. I know you can't control the other members coming to the ceremony, but you can control what you say and do in front of them.

Meegles4 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_having-a-church-wedding-not-everyone-invited-to-reception-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b68fcd40-0acc-4009-ae18-653a60fa4b4aPost:a67791d2-3d12-46d7-9337-3384aa1f9b39">Re: Having a church wedding - not everyone invited to reception - HELP!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I hope no one directly asks you, "So where's the reception!" But I'm sure someone will. Hmm, <strong>I guess I'd say the reception is only for family/close friends. I wouldn't have the Pastor say anything</strong>. I guess the reception info will not be public info so hopefully know one will crash it!
Posted by ginadog[/QUOTE]

This.

rdillardesq · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_having-a-church-wedding-not-everyone-invited-to-reception-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b68fcd40-0acc-4009-ae18-653a60fa4b4aPost:a67791d2-3d12-46d7-9337-3384aa1f9b39">Re: Having a church wedding - not everyone invited to reception - HELP!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I hope no one directly asks you, "So where's the reception!" But I'm sure someone will. Hmm, I guess I'd say the reception is only for family/close friends. I wouldn't have the Pastor say anything. I guess the reception info will not be public info so hopefully know one will crash it!
Posted by ginadog[/QUOTE]

Absolutely! The reception info is very private. I've encouraged all my BM and family to not tell anyone. Also, the members that are invited to the ceremony and reception I have a personal relationship with them and I will certainly mention to them not to say anything either. I do know that people talk though, but I can't control the church gossip!

Thanks ladies!

rdillardesq · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_having-a-church-wedding-not-everyone-invited-to-reception-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b68fcd40-0acc-4009-ae18-653a60fa4b4aPost:14eea702-0396-446d-9ecb-0942fa2623a9">Re: Having a church wedding - not everyone invited to reception - HELP!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Receptions are FOR THE GUESTS, not the couple. that's why they are receptions: the couple RECEIVES their guests for the first time as a married pair, and offers hospitality (food and drink) to those who attended the ceremony, because one never hosts a social function without offering appropriate refreshments. Receptions are not, and never have been, a celebration for the bride and groom. Those are the showers and bachelore(ette) parties. Don't invite people if you can't host them properly. This WILL get out, and people will be horribly offended. "We wanted your attention at the ceremony, but go away when it's done so the rest of us can party." That's how it will look, regardless of what you do or say. They'll be truly insulted if they also sent gifts. Expand your reception and offer all your guests something, even if it's just punch and cake in the church hall.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Again, I'm not sending INVITES to ALL the church members, only a select few. However, at my church a general announcement is made about events coming up in the church and weddings are one of them. This is even more so because the wedding will be held after the church services. Since the church is a public place, then theoretically if anyone is interested in being nosy and viewing the wedding they would either stick around or come back to view the wedding. I don't think I have any control over this, so my problem is how to handle any negative feedback that may come from those members who took it upon themselves to attend the ceremony without an invite and then are offended if they aren't invited to the ceremony. Better yet, if the few select members are invited and they talk (against my wishes) I want to be able to diffuse the situation without appearing to be in bad form.

rdillardesq · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_having-a-church-wedding-not-everyone-invited-to-reception-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b68fcd40-0acc-4009-ae18-653a60fa4b4aPost:ea8ecfc3-e17e-44eb-ae6f-d1ce1d74f029">Re: Having a church wedding - not everyone invited to reception - HELP!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Having a church wedding - not everyone invited to reception - HELP!!! : I feel like you've missed the point. She's not inviting her entire church to the ceremony, she just knows that they're going to show up. When I was active in a church I once attended the ceremony when I wasn't explicitly invited (it was my eigth grade teacher but whatever) it's just something that's done in some congregations. People who find out about the wedding ceremony attend without expecting to be invited to the reception.
Posted by HoorayForSoup[/QUOTE]

Thanks Hooray - that's exactly what I'm saying. I think the advice I've gotten so far about keeping quiet and not discussing with anyone outside of the actual invitees is the best. Any hurt feelings will certainly be on the part of the individual and not from me!

ginadog · September 2012

I wish you the best, and it should all be OK in the end! I'd probably mention it to the guests who may spill the beans as well.

bigfootjax · September 2012

Someone will get their feelings hurt and people will be talking behind your back. Be prepared.

OwningAHome1981 · September 2012

How is this any different than a tiered-wedding (which is a no-no)?

rdillardesq · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_having-a-church-wedding-not-everyone-invited-to-reception-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b68fcd40-0acc-4009-ae18-653a60fa4b4aPost:4a769bab-ada0-4d8a-82c9-12ae9bf4df06">Re: Having a church wedding - not everyone invited to reception - HELP!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]How is this any different than a tiered-wedding (which is a no-no)?
Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]

My wedding is in one location at the church and the reception is at a different location. Not sure how it is tiered because I'm sending out formal invites to the ceremony and reception to my 200 guests and that includes some church members. The remainder of the members will most likely hear about the wedding through church announcements but they WILL NOT have a formal invite from me. If they decide to attend the ceremony it will be on their own will because a general announcement will be made about the wedding (as the church does with all ceremonies).

ginadog · September 2012

She already decided to NOT do separate invitations (for the general congregation) as per all the advice, so it no longer looks like a tiered wedding.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_having-a-church-wedding-not-everyone-invited-to-reception-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b68fcd40-0acc-4009-ae18-653a60fa4b4aPost:4a769bab-ada0-4d8a-82c9-12ae9bf4df06">Re: Having a church wedding - not everyone invited to reception - HELP!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]How is this any different than a tiered-wedding (which is a no-no)?
Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]

She's not inviting the church members to anything. As a public space, it's possibly they'll just show up to the ceremony. As a church community, the church will often announce things like wedding ceremonies, as it is a part of the couple's spiritual development.

Sending an invitation to the ceremony and not the reception, or the ceremony and the "dance" would be inviting people in tiers. There's a difference.

MyNameIsNot · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_having-a-church-wedding-not-everyone-invited-to-reception-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b68fcd40-0acc-4009-ae18-653a60fa4b4aPost:4a769bab-ada0-4d8a-82c9-12ae9bf4df06">Re: Having a church wedding - not everyone invited to reception - HELP!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]How is this any different than a tiered-wedding (which is a no-no)?
Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]

<div>Because she isn't inviting the congregation to the wedding. Churches are almost always open to members for this sort of thing. It's sort of like if you got married at a public park, you can't keep people from showing up at the park to watch.</div><div>
</div><div>Typically with this sort of thing, I've seen an announcement in the bullitin that says something about: yay, this couple is going to be married, and members are welcome to stop by the ceremony at 2:00 to join us in blessing the marriage blah blah blah. It usually pretty obvious that it's not coming from the couple and there's no mention of the reception. </div>

loca4pook · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_having-a-church-wedding-not-everyone-invited-to-reception-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b68fcd40-0acc-4009-ae18-653a60fa4b4aPost:146d6302-b9a4-4533-895c-402f2b3fa6a3">Having a church wedding - not everyone invited to reception - HELP!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm getting married at my church (where I am very active) <strong>which of course equals a general invitation to the membership to the wedding.</strong> The wedding is going to be held on a Sunday also, a couple of hours after church services. However, clearly we are on a budget and I can't pay for everyone to attend my reception which is going to be held across town. I am already going to send out seperate invitations to individuals who are church members that I WILL be inviting to the recption, but is there a better way to handle all of this? I just want to make sure that even if there are hurt feelings, at least I handled it appropriately.
Posted by rdillardesq[/QUOTE]

I would only send invitations to people who are invited to BOTH. The church is a public place so you can't stop them from attending the church, but you should not send an invitation to someone if they aren't invited to reception. IF they want to attend it, let them find out about the church on their own....not through an invitation..

oh..and I am not sure it's common practice to invite EVERYONE who belons to the same church as you to your ceremony....certainly not common practice in place I have ever heard of..

Having a church wedding - not everyone invited to reception - HELP!!!

Re: Having a church wedding - not everyone invited to reception - HELP!!!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards