to buy off the registry or no?

starryskies407 · April 2010

ok...so I recently started reading some of the stuff on the miss manners message boards on msn (miss manners stuff intrigues me, sometimes i agree, sometimes I think she's just old fashioned). Anyways, I don't know the ages, but I'm pretty sure those who write on there are of an older generation (I'm 25) and committed to old school etiquette.

ok...so question and I kind of want validation that I wasn't off in my advice, or if I was, I will rethink my stance (I just think I trust you alls opinions more)

A woman was asking about getting a gift for a couple getting married and shipping it to them, etc. anyways, At some point along the thread, someone responded and said that if you are invited to a wedding, you should know them well enough to be able to pick out a nice gift for them on your own. And, if you cant think of something good or creative, THEN to ask if they have a registry and go off of that.

I responded saying to PLEASE not assume you know the couple well enough to pick them out something and that that is what registries are for. I said that I've been to many weddings where I don't know the couple well enough to know their tastes...even if I have been good friends with them, that doesn't mean I know what their home decor will look like. I also mentioned that if you do pick something on your own, then please include the receipt for when they either already have the item or they don't like it.

now, someone responded to my section, quoted it, then said *Please ignore this advice*

I was going to respond again, but realized Id get into a pointless argument with someone who I'm pretty sure is just of a different generation. It made me wonder though...is that just a generational thing, or am I wrong?
I just know that many brides register for stuff so they can get what they like/want. Sure, my mother or best friend or sister might know me well enough to ignore the registry....but not my cousin or aunt who I rarely see. Maybe this is because I'm younger too and run in more conservative circles and most people I know getting married are Not living together before they are married (so you couldn't base taste off of what they already have) and often are coming out of college and buying nice stuff for the first time rather than goodwill/hand me down stuff (again, another reason I would assume I DON'T know someone's taste).

So tell me...am I off base or is my thinking pretty normal?

I suppose I should clarify that my stance is based more on what I have a feeling 90% of brides getting married want rather than on Emily Post style etiquette.

jagore08 · April 2010

I don't think you're off base at all. If someone does choose to purchase a gift (from their registry or not) it's nice to include a gift receipt. Sometimes people get multiples of gifts. It's not that the couple may not like it but what are they going to do 3 toasters and two coffee makers?

Also, I think purchasing off of a couples registry is a good idea. They obviously want what they put on there, so why not?

Brie2010 · April 2010

I don't think one is necessarily "more correct" than the other. My mother knows me well, obviously, but she doesn't go in my closet and assess how many towels I have or whether I have a vegetable peeler. It has nothing to do with the relationship between the gift-giver and the giftee, IMO. It's a practical solution.

I'd much rather get gifts off our registry, and I'd rather give someone something they will like and use. Although I appreciate all gifts, I think it's a little presumptous when people get things not on the registry--like they know better than we do what we need. I've gotten three gifts between my two showers of non-registry things: one thing is useless (a crystal shamrock), and two things are I guess useful but not particularly in line with our tastes or decor (pewter serving bowls). I probably will keep, but not use, all of them.

On_Cloud_Nine · April 2010

I agree. People make registries for a reason. If a couple goes through the trouble of making one, I think it's probably the best idea to get them something from that registry. That doesn't mean that I won't pick up something extra that might be off registry because I think the couple will like it. But I use the registry as a guideline.

At my shower this past weekend my aunt got me something off-registry, and I'm sorry to say that it's the worst set of dinnerware I've seen, and I will be returning it (without a receipt, but she got it from Wal-Mart so that's ok). I hated to fake liking it. I love the thoughtfulness behind the gift, but it would have been less awkward if she had gone to one of my registries and got me the plates I actually wanted.

Viczaesar · April 2010

Anyways, I don't know the ages, but I'm pretty sure those who write on there are of an older generation (I'm 25) and committed to old school etiquette.

As someone who has been posting on that board for over a year, you would be surprised at the age range of the posters there. A lot of them are under 30 - a LOT. Of course, some left during the board change-up a few months ago, but there is still a pretty good representative sample of different demographics. I'm 26, by the way. While I don't think it's bad to buy off the registry, I also don't agree with your stance that one should not buy off the registry or that if you do you must include a gift receipt.

Galaxy8227 · April 2010

I don't think there is anything wrong with buying off the registry, but I prefer to buy off them myself since these are the things that the couple really wants.

SuMmErKuTiE · April 2010

There's nothing wrong in buying from the registry. My mom and best friends know me the best, but they may not know what FI and I still need down to the last dish set and towel. A registry is a guide showing exactly what the couple still needs to complete their home. Most couples have a certain design or color scheme for rooms of the house and put stuff on their registry to complement it.

I don't understand what you meant by the ages, because a lot of the girls on here are younger. I'm 26 and I've been posting on these boards since I got engaged over a year ago. Etiquette is etiquette no matter what your age. I've learned so much about etiquette just from being on these boards and I'm so thankful for my eyes being opened to a lot of things.

skippylouwho · April 2010

I agree with Brie: "Although I appreciate all gifts, I think it's a little presumptous when people get things not on the registry--like they know better than we do what we need. "

Brides and Grooms spend time choosing what they want for their registry. For someone to (and I'm not saying posters on this thread are this way) that buying something from the registry is too impersonal suggests to me that they think they know what the bride and groom want/need more than the bride and groom do.

Also - this is just me but the first several times I read "...buying off the registry" - to me that means buying something that is not on the registry. Saying you bought something from the registry or on the registry, to me, says you bought something the couple registered. Off the registry says - again - to me - it is something not on the registry and therefor it is "off" the registry.

Now that I realize I'm reading it differently than most people I know to look at messages differently when people post it that way but it did throw me at first.

gottahavashorti · April 2010

Even if you do know them well enough to know the taste of one or both in the couple, you don't necessarily know what they need or what their exact preferences are for their home.

I've loved all of my off registry gifts so far since the people who got them knew my taste well, but I love my registry gifts just as much.

demarcosjd · April 2010

I would never even think to not buy someone something off of their registry. I agree with other pp's couples take the time to figure out what they like and what they need. The last shower I went to I felt really bad for the bride. So many people bought things on their own and she got duplicates of a lot of items. It also puts the bride in an awkward position because she now has to pick and choose whose gift she is keeping. She also got 3 different cakes' that were made out of hand towels. It seemed like one of her aunt's had the idea to get one and a few others ran with it. What is the poor girl going to do with over 35 hand towels that she can't return. My advice stick to the registry, it's there for a reason.

to buy off the registry or no?

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