Am I wrong?

rfaivrecarver · December 2011

I unfortunately had to scrap my entire wedding and postpone the whole thing. Right away I told my MOH about the changes. That we were doing a destination wedding in Hawaii. Luckily she hadn't bought her dress yet or started planning the shower or anything like that. I told her due to financial problems we are unable to afford the wedding, and to save money we scaled it way down, and that I really hoped she could make it, and that I could help her with a portion of the airfare, and my mom is getting a big house and she would let her stay there for cheap if she wanted to come. She has been putting a huge guilt trip on me, telling me I am being unfair to her etc. I have apologized to her and told her I would love for her to come, and I wouldhelp her make it work, I even tried joking with her saying it could be a fun adventure for us, she's just plain annoyed at me. I don't understand. Am I putting her out? I offered to help her out. So am I wrong to feel frustrated with her attitude. I dunno, should I just ignore her and let her whine.

VeggieLove1022 · December 2011

It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong at all. That was very generous of you to offer to help with her airfare and such. I would tell her the date and show her a dress in her budget. If she's not there then she's not there. However, have you talked to her as a friend lately? Maybe she thinks that all you talk about it the wedding and her attitude stems from you possibly not treating her like a friend? Go out for coffee and don't talk about wedding, just about what she's been up to or going through. Perhaps that's the only problem, but I would try to work on your friendship first. GL!

rfaivrecarver · December 2011

I thought about this one. I am just going to give her a little space, let it sink in. Maybe I am being a little too codependent on her right now, yup folks. It still takes 2 to tango, darnit! Well if this is the only negative reaction I get from completely changing my entire wedding I am doing just fine. Leave it to me to pick at that one little imperfection. Ok I promise to back off her and come back to it later, thanks Rachel you're the best, hey no problem Rachel. Hahaha, I need to get some sleep for sure

rfaivrecarver · December 2011

Oooooh good call. I think I will take her out to coffee and talk about other stuff. Good idea. Ok I am really going to to bed I swear.

chattychiqa · December 2011

That's unusually considerate of you. High five to gracious brides! :-)

quiggels219 · December 2011

So I was put in the exact same situation - happily accepted being moh to a local wedding and then for financial reasons she scrapped everything and made it a destination wedding. The new wedding was going to cost me over 4,000 to attend. My fi and I are both attys and she assumed that meant we could afford such an expensive trip but we are saving for our own wedding, to buy a house, to pay off our massive law school debt. I complained about the expense - I'll be honest - the place she chose is not at all where we would ever choose to vacation (we kinda hate all inclusive resorts where you can't explore the country or whatever). I felt like she realized she couldnt afford to psy for her wedding so in a way she now wanted everyone else to pay because she got discounted hotel stsys for herself and her fi based on the number of people who came. So I dont know how much it will cost your moh and you are offering to help which is really great, but maybe she is annoyed at the cost compared to what she thought it would be? I felt like i couldn't back out since it got more expensive but if I had known from the beginning I could have said I don't think I can do it. I'd talk to her about it and what her concerns are? If she's just being bratty than that's a different story and just give her space I guess.

em01092 · December 2011

I was also in a similar situation. My friend of 15 years asked me to be a BM, but then changed the plans super last minute, dropping the WP and moving it from a September 2012 wedding to an August 2011 DW...and gave me 3 weeks notice! I had school tuition to pay, since it was the day before school started, not to mention books, rent, gas to get to school, groceries, etc. So sadly I was not able to go, which sucked, but that was what she and her FI wanted. I was not mad about not being a BM, just bummed I didn't have time to save and even attend.

I know they say the whole kicking out a BM ends the friendship thing, but I think that only applies when said BM is the only one being kicked out. If you scrap the entire WP all together and no one gets replaced, then that's different. That said, look at it from her perspective: you asked her to stand beside you on your special day, and now you've essentially taken that away from her. She probably just got her hopes up and was excited, and now she may not be able to attend your DW.

In all honesty, she may be feeling that you and your FI are a bit selfish for moving the wedding to Hawaii. I'm not saying I think you are, because you and your FI are entitled to have the wedding you want and it's your money, though I am curious how much you are saving by having a wedding there? I guess what I'm saying is if you'd known all along that you wanted a DW in Hawaii, then she has no valid reason to be upset, but since you asked her to be a BM and then changed the plans, I think she has a right to be a little hurt but she should not guilt trip you about it. Friendship ending move? It wasn't for me, but I'm not easily offended.

RaptorSLH · December 2011

Destination weddings are tricky. Even if you help with the cost, they'll still be expensive and time consuming, beyond what many of your guests are able to afford or have available PTO for. Many people find the idea...distasteful...for this reason.

You need to accept that even if you help, she might not be able to afford it. If she can afford it, she may not have the time. She may feel pressured to be a part of something she can't afford, or resent having to give up her own vacation plans to dedicate those resources to your wedding. Hurt feelings go hand in hand with destination weddings. If she's a good friend, she'll get over it...but don't be surprised or get offended that she's upset for now.

L&J2012 · December 2011

I agree with PPs, but I'd also like to add this: what type of job does she work? Is it a job where vacation is limited and she might not be able to take off as many days as she'd need to for the wedding?

Try talking to her as a friend, with no wedding talk at all. Maybe she'll open up a bit and tell you why she's upset about this. Ignoring it will just worsen the situation.

rfaivrecarver · December 2011

Thanks everyone. I feel better. I for sure will take all that is said. I have never been invited to a DW so I never thought of it like that. I did give her plenty of notice as it is in sept 2012, and she can get the time off. Actually it's over the labor day weekend. I think what needs to happen is to have a heart to heart and say I would love it if you came if you can't afford it I more than understand. It's totally unfortunate that my origional wedding ended up being far too costly. I guess I was looking at it wrong, my other bridesmaid can't afford it but was very supportive of our decision. I had no intentions of replacing a bridal party, I am fine with it just being myself and my sister standing up there. I am just as bummed too. My bridal party was the best group and now it is possibly now just 1 BM. It's the price I pay for the DW.

rfaivrecarver · December 2011

Oh the reasons we went for hawaii was the origionally wedding ended up being far too expensive and my fi was miserable. He didn't want to start our marriage in debt and that was what would have happened. However my dad had given us airfare to Hawaii already for our honeymoon as a gift and we are just pushing the dates from march to September. Postponing everything was sad for me at first for 6 months it had been march 17th 2012 and now I know it's around labor day 2012. Then we are scaling things way back to cut cost. No reception just a small ceremony and then go out to dinner after. Believe me this is not how I foresaw this wedding playing out. But I am really lucky that I still get an amazing wedding, and not just running to the courthouse. But the only thing that makes this wedding amazing is the backdrop of Hawaii. Not my guest list of 75, or the Cajun pasta bar, or the cake, or the DJ, or the pictures in Seattle my hometown. So I mean I'm really lucky that the trade off is Hawaii, and that close family and a few close friends can afford to go. I mean hey that's all that matters. Seriously if I could afford to I would pay for everything so my MOH could attend because I really want her there.

sweetcanadian1979 · December 2011

Destination weddings are more expensive but....... with almost a year to plan, the fact that your mom is renting a house & your MOH isn't expected to pay thousands for a hotel & the fact that you are helping with airfare should definately make it more doable for her. I hope she can make it.

As for emo, that one i consider extremely rude.

misssunshine17 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:bb394948-a84f-4586-a83c-7e3079382558Post:7d5b87ec-a9e1-4eaa-94ec-c97cf8eb617c">Re: Am I wrong?</a>:
[QUOTE]Destination weddings are more expensive but....... <strong>with almost a year to plan, the fact that your mom is renting a house & your MOH isn't expected to pay thousands for a hotel & the fact that you are helping with airfare should definately make it more doable for her. I hope she can make it. </strong> As for emo, that one i consider extremely rude.
Posted by sweetcanadian1979[/QUOTE]

<div>I'd like to add that even though this person may or may not have a good job, no one gets to dictate if she can afford it or not. Just because it looks like someone has money, it doesn't mean they'd choose to spend it on what you want them to spend it on. Please understand her decision either way. </div>

Soon2BeMrsTing · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:bb394948-a84f-4586-a83c-7e3079382558Post:11fbca26-c543-4de5-92a0-24963442d4e8">Re: Am I wrong?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I wrong? : I'd like to add that even though this person may or may not have a good job, no one gets to dictate if she can afford it or not. Just because it looks like someone has money, it doesn't mean they'd choose to spend it on what you want them to spend it on. Please understand her decision either way.
Posted by misssunshine17[/QUOTE]

I'm co-signing this one. Misssunshine is right on. And vacation time is the same way. It would be wrong for a bride to assume that since her BM gets 10 vacation days/year, she will want to spend three of them traveling to and from a DW simply because the B&G like the location enough to HM there afterward.

kaitlyn&henry · December 2011

DWs are hard for anyone to be able to attend, family or close friends or not..whether you think they can afford it or not is really no ones business (not saying you are doing this just a general statement). She might just be really frustrated and upset because im sure she wants to be there supporting you, but it may not be something she can do. Sure she may not have to pay for certain things, and a year seems like a long time to be able to save, BUT plane tickets alone to fly out to hawaii (at least frm here) are really expensive.

rfaivrecarver · December 2011

Oh I know. I read Emos and thought wow, now that is out of line. Well you guys it's was funny cause I got a text from her thanking me with the offer to help and that she would try to make it. I told her I loved her and hoped it would work out and that I understood if it didn't work out for her and that I would throw a BBQ/party for when I r returned and that if she wanted to help with that she totally could. And it ended on a good note. We are friends no matter what. But I am so glad I asked for advice first. It was so helpful!!!!!!!!!!

em01092 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:bb394948-a84f-4586-a83c-7e3079382558Post:7d5b87ec-a9e1-4eaa-94ec-c97cf8eb617c">Re: Am I wrong?</a>:
[QUOTE]Destination weddings are more expensive but....... with almost a year to plan, the fact that your mom is renting a house & your MOH isn't expected to pay thousands for a hotel & the fact that you are helping with airfare should definately make it more doable for her. I hope she can make it. <strong>As for emo, that one i consider extremely rude. </strong>
Posted by sweetcanadian1979[/QUOTE]

<div>Actually it's just em. The "O" is a zero. =D</div><div>
</div><div>And were you referring to my situation with my friend? Or me? </div>

Am I wrong?

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