Pressure from our families to get married now!

mrsthorson · September 2012

Hey everybody,
So here's my dilemma. My fianc and I have set our date for June 2013. We have both been married before but never had a true wedding. We wanted to have what we want this tIme around so we set the date further out for planning and financial reasons. Also, my brother was deployed and we wanted to wait until he was home an out of the servicehis last day on his contract is June 9, 2013. Both of our families are Christian families and because we are living together they are constantly and I mean all the time, telling us to do a quickie courthouse marriage and we can still have the ceremony later. Neither one of us wants that because our first marriages were court house ones and we don't want my repeats. We also have five kids between the two of us so with school and everything else fighting for full custody of his kids summer is the best time for us. What should I do about their pressure and my frustration???!!!

Maggie0829 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_pressure-from-our-families-to-get-married-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:d13ee88b-acb5-45be-99b7-961b57b65765Post:aca84da1-cf35-4937-8b1b-a712657e5f86">Re: Pressure from our families to get married now!</a>:
[QUOTE]Tell them that the date is set and isn't up for discussion.
Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]

Yup. You both are planning and paying for this wedding. Because of that you both set the date. If your families don't like it then tough. They will just have to get over it.

courtski2004 · September 2012

If you were to go to the JOP now, that would be your 'real' wedding what you would have later is a vow renewal, not a ceremony. After a JOP wedding you are just as married is if you were married in a Church with all of your nearest and dearest. It is as real as it gets.

Put your foot down. Tell them that while you appreciate their interest in your wedding, that you have chosen that date and you hope they'll attend.

artbyallie · September 2012

A courthouse wedding is very much a 'true' wedding, and would be your only wedding to this husband. However, if that's not the kind of wedding you want, you are well within your rights to wait and have whatever kind you do want. Your family can kindly butt out.

renegade gaucho · September 2012

Ditto stagemanager. It's time to tell your families that you are adults and you get to make your own choices, and that while they may disagree with some of your choices, they need to respect your decisions.

GoodLuckBear14 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_pressure-from-our-families-to-get-married-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:d13ee88b-acb5-45be-99b7-961b57b65765Post:b4ea3b07-40dd-4afc-ba9a-f5e4017b8f0a">Re: Pressure from our families to get married now!</a>:
[QUOTE]I never ever understand this approach. If they're so worried about God, it would seem they would want you married in a religious ceremony NOW rather than doing the legally binding paperwork NOW and having the ritual ceremony later. They do know that Adam and Eve didn't have a marriage license from Eden County, right? Put your foot down. You are obviously both adults, and you're doing it the right way. Getting married early so that other people won't be so squeamish about you having sex would be both an insult to the institution and a grade A sign that you aren't mature and independent enough to be getting married anyway.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Took the words right out of my mouth.

cwaggoner07 · September 2012

Everything else aside (which I agree with PP), is waiting for your brother to be back not reason enough????

achiduck · September 2012

Stand your ground. Sorry they're being such pains.

Sassenach1743 · September 2012

It's not your families business how you choose to handle your wedding plans. Nor is it their business whether you live together beforehand or not. This is 2012 and you two are well past age 18, so just tell them your decisions are made and it's not up for discussion.

My FI's parents were really upset when we told them that we were moving in together (a few months before we got engaged). We shared this information with them because we are a close knit family and we didn't want to keep secrets. My FI and I are both 32 and were both living on our own at the time. Finances were tight for both of us (we work in a volatile industry and our work is not steady). We were spending every night together as it was and had been talking about getting married. We realized to be able to afford to get married in the next year that we'd be smart to join forces financially now.

When we shared our news with his parents they were very judgmental and lectured us like two school kids. We calmly told them that we are adults and are making our own decisions. We had every intention to get engaged by the end of the year so that we could marry next year but that wasn't good enough. They tried to talk us into a courthouse wedding and guilt trip us into thinking that we were going against God's plan. We knew better than to let them treat us this way. We said we know full well that God's plan is for us to be a family. We are going to get married, but we're going to have the wedding we both want! It's both our first (and only) and we both deserve to have the wedding we want.

A few months later we got engaged and they were delighted. They even apologized for judging us and our decisions. They are very excited for our wedding next year and we haven't heard one more guilt trip since. I think they realized that we were adult enough to be respectful and not keep secrets about our living situation (even though we could have) and that we've been happy to share our plans and include them in our lives (when some people's kids don't!) and that it could have much worse (in their eyes).

Moral of the story is, be your own adult and don't let anyone pressure or guilt trip you about anything -especially your wedding!

mmmendi · September 2012

We were living together, and I actually hid it from my parents because I knew what they would say. (Yep, 38 and still afraid of my momma! lol) We finally met wiht my parents over lunch, to share that we were getting married - and told them we were living together. Know what? They flipped. Mom wanted to know how soon we planned to wed, we didn't have a date set - and she pushed until we did. Know what else? They have come to the point that they are happy for us. Happy to see me treated with such respect. Happy to be a part of our celebration in a couple of weeks. Stand your ground. You have your reasons, and this ceremony is about you and your spouse. No one else.

mrsthorson · September 2012

Thank you! Lol Adam an eve did not have a license! and Mary and Joseph, Jesus mother and "father" were living in the same home before they were wed! I think our parents are taking things too literally! And they want the approval of the church. We were actually asked to leave our bible study because of our living situation!! Needless to say we also left the church. As ghandi said, "I like your Christ but I don't like your Christians. Your Christians are nothing like your Christ." I am a Christian and this quote is so true! Thanks everyone for your advice!

Pressure from our families to get married now!

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