should i postpone?

Ernjerbear · January 2010

little backround my fiance and i have been together since june 2005, i was 17 he was 18. we are eachothers one and only, from the day we met i knew i could spend the rest of my life with him. shortly after we started dating we fell in love and started living together, talked about getting A puppie but thought it be best we wait to buy i house first so we could have a place for it,looked in to buying a house but didnt find anything ended up enheriting his older brothers dog during a divorce, we finally got engaged april 2009 , and bought a house three months later , talked about getting another puppie and again enherited my younger sisters dog, and invited my father who has a heart condition to live with us to keep him out of the hospital. so now 22 and 23 years old we own our own house have two adopted dogs that we love, and a live in nerotic father that we also love, we originally planned to get married june 2009, with so much going on i just began planning last month, and only started trying on dresses last month. as of now, i have only seen the dress i know i want, and dont know if it would arrive in tim if i order it even today, i am pretty sure i still want the wedding ceremony in our backyard( that really could use work , that is if we have time by the time the snow melts) i know that as of right now i would have to play with my date to have the reception were i really want it, but my second choice would be avalable for the date i have had to settle for already because of work conflict. and i still have no idea what to do for our honeymoon. i have not sent out invites yet and only have a priliminary guest list. still not 100% about who should be in my wedding party. i am so ready to marry him, i want to be his wife more than anything, well most days but it seems that nothing else is ready, and i dont plan on haveing a very big wedding pretty simple diy with family and close friends( under100), but i dont want to regret having to settle for alot, will it all really matter ? i mean i know what really matters is haveing a good time and just beening married to the one you love but , it inly happens once, and putting it off doesnt change our relationship, but i dont know what do i do?

duckie1905 · January 2010

Oh my goodness, it is spelled "puppy" not "puppie." I'm sorry, that really bugged me. Additionally, please use sentences and paragraphs as this is very difficult to read.

Bottom line, you aren't ready. There is no easy way to say it but these things you've listed are excuses that you are making. Listen to yourself and what your brain is telling you. I have dogs too, and you know what, they didn't stop me from planning the wedding.

Additionally, wedding planning is only as hard as you make it. If you are waiting for that magical time in your life where things are easy and peaceful you'll be waiting forever. Life is busy, and hectic, and messy and if you can't handle your dogs and other regular, adult responsibilities in addition to planning your (simple) wedding, you aren't ready to get married.

trix1223 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_should-postpone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:25683f33-7191-4056-8b50-82e6bad6fb35Post:05e39c2e-537e-415c-a8ba-8ee47e2b2570">should i postpone?</a>:
[QUOTE]little backround my fiance and i have been together since june 2005, i was 17 he was 18. we are eachothers one and only, from the day we met i knew i could spend the rest of my life with him. shortly after we started dating we fell in love and started living together, talked about getting A puppie but thought it be best we wait to buy i house first so we could have a place for it,looked in to buying a house but didnt find anything ended up enheriting his older brothers dog during a divorce, we finally got engaged april 2009 , and bought a house three months later , talked about getting another puppie and again enherited my younger sisters dog, and invited my father who has a heart condition to live with us to keep him out of the hospital. so now 22 and 23 years old we own our own house have two adopted dogs that we love, and a live in nerotic father that we also love, we originally planned to get married june 2009, with so much going on i just began planning last month, and only started trying on dresses last month. as of now, i have only seen the dress i know i want, and dont know if it would arrive in tim if i order it even today, i am pretty sure i still want the wedding ceremony in our backyard( that really could use work , that is if we have time by the time the snow melts) i know that as of right now i would have to play with my date to have the reception were i really want it, but my second choice would be avalable for the date i have had to settle for already because of work conflict. and i still have no idea what to do for our honeymoon. i have not sent out invites yet and only have a priliminary guest list. still not 100% about who should be in my wedding party. i am so ready to marry him, i want to be his wife more than anything, well most days but it seems that nothing else is ready, and i dont plan on haveing a very big wedding pretty simple diy with family and close friends( under100), but i dont want to regret having to settle for alot, will it all really matter ? i mean i know what really matters is haveing a good time and just beening married to the one you love but , it inly happens once, and putting it off doesnt change our relationship, but i dont know what do i do?
Posted by Ernjerbear[/QUOTE]

I agree with Duckie. You're not anywhere near ready, IMO, to get married yet. If an issue about dogs is overwhelming you, you shouldn't be having a wedding.

Marriage is complicated, it's challenging, it's difficult at times, and it's overwhelming at times. It's also wonderful. I know~I've been married for 31+ years. But you're 22 years old, this is the only guy you've ever dated.....what's your hurry?

Take time to slow down. Get used to living together, and see if it still feels right. Take time to plan your wedding. Think about the financial implications of big wedding (and by the way, I think 100 people is a pretty substantial wedding) or a small, intimate affair.

If you don't know who you'd want in a WP, where you want your wedding, what kind of wedding you want, and you have work conflicts and worries about two dogs, I'd postpone.

Again~you lose nothing at all by waiting. You lose a lot if you jump the gun and dive into this before you're emotionally mature enough to be married. If you in fact ARE meant to be married, it will hold for a couple of years.

handfast4me · January 2010

I am so glad you asked this question, there's a smiliar one on the Second Wedding borads from a young lady who got married right out of high school, got divorced, and is now the same age you are, and looking to get married before.

Let's review the science, OK? The human brain is not fully developed until the age of 25. I feel, although I understand that this is not for everyone, that you are at a time in your life when you should be developing yourself first, a relationship second.

I got married for the first time at age 25. In our mid-forties, we agreed that we had grown apart, our goals were no longer the same, and we got divored. That's the short version. In your twenties, you grow, and learn about who you are, and although there's no guarantee that you won't grow apart after the age of 25 (take me, for an example :-) I think the chances are greater that you will remain together if you marry later in life.

Best wishes to you.

megk8oz · January 2010

It honestly doesn't sound like you're ready to be married, it sounds like you're ready to put on a pretty white dress and have a party. You shouldn't be saying "He's my one in only" and then in the next breath come up with a bunch of excuses to either delay or rush the wedding.

I could be very wrong in thinking this, but I'm just saying what I'm interpreting from your own words. Getting a "puppie" or 2 isn't the same thing as "Keeping a roof over your head and food on the table". Also, the father that's living with you: does he contribute financially to the house, or are you both supporting him as well as yourselves.

There's nothing wrong with testing the waters of living together, but to me, I really don't think that any couple really "gets" what it's like until they do so when it's just the 2 of them, I'm not saying kick Dad out, but I am saying that things might seem ok now, but can the 2 of you stand to be "just" the 2 of you.

Like Trix said, you lose nothing by waiting to figure all of these things out. You lose a lot if you rush because you feel like you should and then realize you shouldn't have.

MyNameIsNot · January 2010

Please use sentences, paragraphs and punctuation.

I have to agree with the others. It doesn't sound like you are ready. It's fine to test the waters and live together, but getting married is a whole other ball game. It sounds like you are having a hard time with smaller responsibilties, and that something in the back of your mind is telling you that it just isn't time yet. Take some time to focus on yourself, on becoming an adult, figuring out your place in the world and what you want out of life. He should be doing the same. We go through so many changes from 18 to 25, and become completely different people. Our brains aren't even fully developed until we are 25. Only after you've gone through all those changes will you really be able to fully make that commitment to each other.

In the meantime, enjoy spending time together, living together, doing things together, but also spend time focusing on your friendships, your careers, your hobbies and interests.

There is no rush to get married. My sister is in a very similar situation. She's been with the same guy since her senior year of high school. They've lived together, lived apart, started their careers, developed themselves and friendships. Only now at 26 are they starting to think about getting married. They could have gotten married years ago, but there's just no reason to. Now that they've done all that, they feel really ready to make a lifetime commitment to each other.

If he's the one, he'll still be there when you're ready.

MyNameIsNot · January 2010

CN: OP and her guy have been dating since they were 17/18. They bought a house together and have been talking about getting a "puppie" but ended up adopting two dogs from other people. They got engaged last April, but she's got a mental block about planning a wedding, and hasn't done anything yet. They want to do it in their backyard, but she has no idea what that involves. She is confused about the puppie. Oh, and her dad lives with them.

trix1223 · January 2010

Yeah, I'm not at all sure what the "puppie" had to do with the story, but since OP thought in important enough to include, I'm guessing that's part of her angst. After all, how can you possibly plan a wedding when you've "enherited" two puppies?

MOBinFLA · January 2010

In a word....YES.....you should put off getting married. All of the other ladies gave you very good reasons why you shouldn't get married yet so I won't bother repeating them.

While reading your post, I got the feeling that you were a little girl begging people to tell you that you didn't have to get married yet. If you were truly ready to get married right now, nothing would stand in your way.

Take lots of time, grow as individuals and as a couple, become well established in your careers, and then begin to think about getting married.

Ernjerbear · January 2010

            First, I am sorry for mis-spelling puppie or anything esle. Also for not using the correct grammer. This was my first time posting anything and I did not realize I would be graded.

            Second, I was not questioning wether I was ready or not to marry my fiance, there is nothing I am more sure of. I did not mention any excuses, I was simply stating where I am at in the process. And my dogs do not have a thing to do with it. Additionally, I know how life is and I handle my dogs just fine. Additionally, I am an adult, I manage my own responsibilities and some. I have delt with more responsibilities in my life then I should have had to. Please do not insult me, I am not a nieve child.

            Third, agian I was not questioning my commitment to my fiance, and my dogs are not overwhelming me, did I say that? Also, yes he is the only man I have dated, I just got lucky to find him on the first swing. It may not always work that way for people but I knew what I wanted, and we came across eachother, I couldnt believe he was all I wanted and more. I guess we were just lucky to find eachother.   There is no hurry, we have been together for almost 5 years, and lived together for 4 1/2. How long are you supposed to wait to get married?

           I do not want a big wedding, I said under 100 people, to be more spacific probably like 60 , idk, just the point not a BIG wedding, only as big as its has to be, we have large immediate family, so sorry if your standard is different.

          Again, we are very mentally mature for our age and we are meant for eachother and that was not a question, and should we just wait till the 7 or 8 year mark and just legally be considered partners?

          Refering to the other story, We have been out of high school for 5 years so Im not sure that that is the same thing. But I do apprecitate your story and opinion, thank you. it is different for everyone.

      To be honest, I AM ready to be married, It has nothing to do with the dress or the party. Its about the marriage not the wedding, i dont know what gave you that idea, but that was out of line. And he is my one and only, I did not make any excuses to delay or rush the wedding. Again, our commitment and love is not the question. We want to be married to eachother, and we want our wedding in june because that was the month we offically began dating. We decided over a year ago to have the wedding june 2009 but because we had a lot going on, not our dogs or my father living withus, and not regular adult responsibilities, i guess i didnt realize all that was involved and time flew by. So if we had it this year it would not be a rush, and I am only thinking about postponing the wedding because I a wedding is something I only plan to have once and I have gottan caught up in so many things I didnt know if I would want it to be better planned, I thought it was an important event.

           When you say having 2 puppies is different than putting a roof over your head and food on the table, what are you talking about or refering to? And i dont think thats really involved but my father can not work becaue of his heart condition so we do support him but he helps out when he can. Also again like i said we are not testing the waters we have lived together for over 4 years, and my father recently began living with us and again we are sure we want to be together forever, we know we can "stand " to be just the two of us, we actually prefered it that way , but for now thats not the cards we were delt.

          Again we do not have trouble with small responsibilities. We ARE adults, and we know our place in the world, we will continue to enjoy eachother and living with each other like we have the past five years. AS well as focusing on our careers that we also started 5 years ago, And again, we have already have made a lifetime commitment , to eachother.

            We are adults, with a home , careers, and we handle our dogs and responsibilities just fine. And the Puppies had nothing to do with it, whoever got that idea, I only wanted some advice, and i thought i would give this a try, but instead all i get is insulted and bashed about my spelling and grammer. So i guess never mind . But thanks to those who understood.

megk8oz · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_should-postpone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:25683f33-7191-4056-8b50-82e6bad6fb35Post:068a2012-60aa-489f-8ce1-27b4113e3e4e">Re: should i postpone?</a>:
[QUOTE] First, I am sorry for mis-spelling puppie or anything esle. Also for not using the correct grammer. This was my first time posting anything and I did not realize I would be graded. Second, I was not questioning wether I was ready or not to marry my fiance, there is nothing I am more sure of. I did not mention any excuses, I was simply stating where I am at in the process. And my dogs do not have a thing to do with it. Additionally, I know how life is and I handle my dogs just fine. Additionally, I am an adult, I manage my own responsibilities and some. I have delt with more responsibilities in my life then I should have had to. Please do not insult me, I am not a nieve child. Third, agian I was not questioning my commitment to my fiance, and my dogs are not overwhelming me, did I say that? Also, yes he is the only man I have dated, I just got lucky to find him on the first swing. It may not always work that way for people but I knew what I wanted, and we came across eachother, I couldnt believe he was all I wanted and more. I guess we were just lucky to find eachother. There is no hurry, we have been together for almost 5 years, and lived together for 4 1/2. How long are you supposed to wait to get married? I do not want a big wedding, I said under 100 people, to be more spacific probably like 60 , idk, just the point not a BIG wedding, only as big as its has to be, we have large immediate family, so sorry if your standard is different. Again, we are very mentally mature for our age and we are meant for eachother and that was not a question, and should we just wait till the 7 or 8 year mark and just legally be considered partners? Refering to the other story, We have been out of high school for 5 years so Im not sure that that is the same thing. But I do apprecitate your story and opinion, thank you. it is different for everyone. To be honest, I AM ready to be married, It has nothing to do with the dress or the party. Its about the marriage not the wedding, i dont know what gave you that idea, but that was out of line. And he is my one and only, I did not make any excuses to delay or rush the wedding. Again, our commitment and love is not the question. We want to be married to eachother, and we want our wedding in june because that was the month we offically began dating. We decided over a year ago to have the wedding june 2009 but because we had a lot going on, not our dogs or my father living withus, and not regular adult responsibilities, i guess i didnt realize all that was involved and time flew by. So if we had it this year it would not be a rush, and I am only thinking about postponing the wedding because I a wedding is something I only plan to have once and I have gottan caught up in so many things I didnt know if I would want it to be better planned, I thought it was an important event. When you say having 2 puppies is different than putting a roof over your head and food on the table, what are you talking about or refering to? And i dont think thats really involved but my father can not work becaue of his heart condition so we do support him but he helps out when he can. Also again like i said we are not testing the waters we have lived together for over 4 years, and my father recently began living with us and again we are sure we want to be together forever, we know we can "stand " to be just the two of us, we actually prefered it that way , but for now thats not the cards we were delt. Again we do not have trouble with small responsibilities. We ARE adults, and we know our place in the world, we will continue to enjoy eachother and living with each other like we have the past five years. AS well as focusing on our careers that we also started 5 years ago, And again, we have already have made a lifetime commitment , to eachother. We are adults, with a home , careers, and we handle our dogs and responsibilities just fine. And the Puppies had nothing to do with it, whoever got that idea, I only wanted some advice, and i thought i would give this a try, but instead all i get is insulted and bashed about my spelling and grammer. So i guess never mind . But thanks to those who understood.
Posted by Ernjerbear[/QUOTE]

Ok, between this and your original post, I'm sorry, I have no idea what the question is anymore.

And the reason everybody else kept asking what the deal with the dogs was, is because you seemed to put a lot of emphasis on having them in your first post. Seeing it as having 1 dog or 100 dogs has absolutely nothing to do with planning a wedding, I'm sure people just wanted to know what you felt it had to do with getting married.

mhonza1 · January 2010

Ernjerbear-- Bottom line...no one in a forum knows you or your situation. I too am new to these posts and am only posting because I think you got the raw end of this posting stuff. I believe most people on the knot are just now planning a wedding so they can't really give advice on whether or not you'll regret your decisions. Only you know you. If you are ready to be married, want to be married, then get married! Who is to tell you that your backyard wedding that's not perfectly planned wasn't perfect for you and your fiance? Do what you and your fiance' feels is right! (I don't think anyone even mentioned discussing it with him!) You could always get married now and have a reception/party at a later time that is more suitable to your needs. Don't listen to people on a forum for this kind of a big decision. These kinds of forums are good for "when are you sending out your invites?" or "how do I tactfully say don't bring your kids?" And even small tips like those are often vastly different. I say do what your heart says--and bring your fiance' into the decision making!

Ernjerbear · January 2010

                (meg) First, lets forget the darn puppie* thing. I dont know why it seemed like a huge part of the story, I was only putting out there a little backround, so to try and give people some insight on where we are in life and how we got there.To show where we are in our relationship. And I know having a dog isnt huge it is a step in a relationship, you know a form of commitment. I was trying to say , we dated, fell in love , moved in together, wanted a puppie( but decided our situation did not permit it) but ended up with a dog anyway, so simply : we have a dog together , lived together for almost 4 years bought a house together, got another dog, ie; we have two dogs together, and we took on a parent . Next time I will just leave that part out , since I cant spell puppie* anyway. And yall can assume like you did that I am a nieve almost 22 years old who knows nothing about life and its hardships and am too young to get married. ps what exactly did I say that sounded like I am ready to where a pretty white dress , but not to marry my fiance?

             basically the question was, is it worth waiting (is the party worth putting off not: will we get divorced if we marry now because of a PUPPIE*)

mhonza1:      Thank you but I was trying to get some insight on what people might have done in the past on this matter, or what someone might be doing about a similar situation. I assumed most people would be in the proccess of getting married or recently married, not married and or divorced and angry at love. IDK I wasnt looking for someone to make my decision for me just a little insight. And I am glad you said what you said, about the perfect wedding. There is so much pressure on a wedding and I got so cought up I didnt know what I wanted anymore. And unlike the message everyone seemed to get :that i was looking for a way out, I think all I wanted was someone to tell me that it was ok , that a perfect wedding is for us to decide, and that I dont have to wait. So thank you. And I also appreciate what you said about talking to him. Thank you for your advice .

duckie1905 · January 2010

holy jeebus. When you fixate on something in your post naturally people are going to bring it up. You mentioned the damn dogs like 40 times.

Anyway, we can only base our answers on the information you give us. Most everyone picked up on the same thing, that you were making excuses not to plan your wedding. To us it did seem that you weren't ready, that too much was going on in your life, and that you lacked an understanding of both yourself and the type of commitment marriage is (above adopting dogs, and buying a house-which they'll let pretty much anyone with decent credit do).

What does that tell you?

I'm not even really sure why you asked since you apparently already have all the answers. Not to mention your posts are so scattered, everyone had a really hard time figuring out what your question really was. Your last post was the most concise and the one that made the most sense. The rest of them were rambling about dogs and how not immature you are.

Good luck to you and your FI.

megk8oz · January 2010

I'm not going to lie, I'm still confused on why'd you'd need to postone then. If it's not because of the dogs or living together, and you don't want anything big, then what's the point in waiting?

I don't hold age against people, because yes, there are people that are mature enough to marry at a "young" age. When I got engaged, I was 23, and I had been emotionally "ready" to marry DH a year before that. We wound up not getting married until we were 25, but that was because we wanted something a little fancy for our wedding and we had to get our finances to a place where we could afford the wedding we wanted. But if we hadn't cared about just going to a courthouse for $50, then we would have been married at only a little older than your current age, so I don't judge people strictly on the basis of being in their early 20s.

I was questioning it because you were initially putting emphasis on silly details that somebody "not ready" would. If you re-read what you originally wrote, you will notice that you mentioned having dogs a lot. There's nothing wrong with having pets, but there are plenty of people that get to the point in there relationship where they can have a successful marriage without having so much as a goldfish. Also,
I wasn't really judging the spelling and grammar, but the actual content of what you were saying. Which was kind of a hodge-podge of "I love him so much, we wanted puppies, we're perfect for each other, now we have puppies, I want to get married, but I have work ... and puppies". And the all over the place-ness of if was what made me think you weren't mature, not your spelling and sentence structure. I know plenty of people that can't spell for sh!t that have successful marriages. But they can form complete thoughts in their poorly spelled sentences. You can dislike this all you want, but when I read a post, I try to imagine it as somebody sitting in front of me orally telling me their story. And all I could imagine when reading yours was some teenager talking to me before math class or something.

I'm thinking I sort of get what you're trying to ask from re-reading everything. It's like you picked June 2009 for your wedding and then proceeded to not have it and now you want to postpone whatever your new date is, but you never said what the new date was, so for all I know you might have picked a date next weekend and don't know where your having it or something. So I'm just going to leave it at this:

It's only worth post-poning to a later date if you're trying to save money to plan something bigger than what you can currently afford. If you can already afford the wedding you want, then just have a wedding. Despite what TK's ad people keep trying to force down everybody's throat: wedding planning is only as hard as the couple getting married chooses to make it. If you want and can afford something simple, then just have the wedding.

trix1223 · January 2010

Oh honey, so what you really wanted was VALiDATION, not advice. You put out a question (a poorly worded and excruciatingly poorly spelled question) and you got lots and lot of advice based solely on what you wrote.

Then you got huffy because we all based our answers on what you wrote. What else, exactly, would we base our answers on?

If nearly everyone on this thread is telling you to postpone for awhile, that means that everyone got the same feeling based on.....what you wrote.

Let me make an honest suggestion to you. Go find your local board. They are much more puppies, rainbow, and validation. These international boards tend to be blunt and sometime painfully honest. I think you'll enjoy the vibe of a local board much more.

MyNameIsNot · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_should-postpone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:25683f33-7191-4056-8b50-82e6bad6fb35Post:38b01e05-f367-4e96-979c-1ce518501991">Re: should i postpone?</a>:
[QUOTE] basically the question was, is it worth waiting (is the party worth putting off not: will we get divorced if we marry now because of a PUPPIE*) Posted by Ernjerbear[/QUOTE]

If that's the question, the answer is unanimously yes, it is worth waiting. Your posts scream that you aren't ready to make this commitment yet. A marriage is a lot more than a legal formality, and even though you've lived together for 4 years, it's still a huge step.

I don't know what the point of the rest of this is, but if you were asking if it is worth waiting, the answer is yes.

Ernjerbear · January 2010

wow, thanks again

betaandaluz · January 2010

Oh, my God, please don't get married just yet.

I love Duckie's post -- so to-the-point.

It doesn't sound like you are ready.

You have lots of responsibilities that you need to get a handle on.

I am somehow getting a feeling that your career could use your attention, as well as time with friends and family.

Please, take care of yourself. Do the things that make you comfortable and enjoy life. You don't owe anyone anything. You are already living with a guy, so why do you need to be married right away?

Also, and I know this is not a very appropriate thing to say, but I went through a divorce and it was absolute hell. The older you are when you get married the more mature you'll be when you need to handle life's difficulties.

GOOD LUCK!!

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