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FI's ex...

Ok, so my FI dated a girl a few years back for about a year. I've never been able to stand this girl but knowing that she dated my FI makes it even worse. I'm usually not a terribly jealous person but she gets me pretty angry. My FI can't stand her thought...thank goodness. The thing that bothers me is that she is still trying to pry her way back into his family. She is friends with two of his brothers (she has special nicknames for them and everything) and they hang out with her quite a bit. She also spends a lot of time with his dad and his step-mom. They both adore her (this ex sees this side of the family more than I do). I would like to think that if I were in her place I would back off. I try to complain about it to my FI but he doesn't like to talk about her. He already tried asking his brothers and his dad and step-mom to quit hanging out with her but it doesn't help. I don't know what else I can do. I can't tell his family who they can and can't spend their time with, but at the same time I would think that they would be more respectful of me. Am I overreacting? What should I do?
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Re: FI's ex...

  • I see where you are coming from. I had a similar situation when I first started dating my now FI. I just ignored it though. Like PP said you have no control over whom people spend their time with. You just have to look the other way & ignore it. After a while my FI’s family and his ex just drifted apart. You have to remember that she was a big part of their family for a long time.

     

    Try not to let your feelings of discomfort harm your relationship with your in-laws.

     

    Good Luck :)

  • Your FI and her broke up, but that doesn't mean his family had to break up with her too.  If they like her, they have every right to still see her.  It's disrespectful of YOU to think that they should drop their friends just because you are there.

    So yes, you are overreacting.  Be an adult about it and move on, your FI is marrying you, so I don't know why you are so jealous.
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  • Unless this family's been saying things like "Oh, now FI, why are you wasting your time with Adrianna, when your ex-girlfriend is a way better choice?" or "Adrianna, you might as well do FI a favor and break up with him so he can get back together with his way superior ex", I fail to see how his family is "disrespecting" you by spending time with her.

    You can be annoyed by it, you're entitled to have your feelings ... but that's about it on what you can do in this situation. His family has every right to spend time with whomever they want, regardless of how you feel about them.

    *I felt sorry for my husband before I met him. Take a number.*
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  • His Ex was a terrible girlfriend to my FI. She was rude and she cheated on him with several other guys. I don't understand why his family would still want to associate with her. I know that if my family were in the same situation they wouldn't still be in contact with him.

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  • Honestly, I think the only reason you "cannot stand her" is because you are jealous.
    She's probably a nice girl, and his family recognizes that.
    I can see it being uncomfortable if they brought her into conversation and compared the two of you, but it doesn't sound like that is happening.

    Try not to let it get to you so much, because it's petty and will eat you alive.
    (I know this from experience.)

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_fis-ex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:3387d27f-7a82-4f2e-9a58-31cd80787961Post:22173b33-cc86-4329-a3fa-c03c549e0005">Re: FI's ex...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FI's ex... : But it's not your family and you can't control what they do. Ifyou don't want to talk to her, fine.  But stop trying to tell them what to do.
    Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

    I never told them what to do. My FI confronted them about it at first because it made HIM uncomfortable.
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  • RamonaFlowersRamonaFlowers member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_fis-ex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:3387d27f-7a82-4f2e-9a58-31cd80787961Post:4193bfdb-e478-4c1c-ae8a-cc6ff86b4ff8">Re: FI's ex...</a>:
    [QUOTE]His Ex was a terrible girlfriend to my FI. She was rude and she cheated on him with several other guys. I don't understand why his family would still want to associate with her. I know that if my family were in the same situation they wouldn't still be in contact with him.
    Posted by andriana13[/QUOTE]

    That's your family. Clearly, his family isn't the same way. Again, just because you don't like it, doesn't mean they've done anything wrong by not complying with your wishes.

    *I felt sorry for my husband before I met him. Take a number.*
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  • I am in a similar situation as you; however have a completely different outlook. My FI's sisters (FSILs) are friends with my FI's ex. One FSIL is actually living with her. Now of course, I'm not jumping for joy over it but, the fact of the matter is, they are friends with her. FSIL engages me in stories about her and all I can do is smile and listen.

    Rather than looking at this in a they should "be more respectful of me" way, I choose to look at it as an adult. I have no say over their relationships or who their friends are. They actually knew her before me so I'd never ever expect someone to drop a friend for me. And I actually stopped viewing this girl as my FI's ex but rather my FSILs friend. If you choose to switch the way you view or refer to her, it may help.

    So, yes, I do think you're overreacting. There really isn't anything you (or your FI) can or should do about it. Don't give her the power or allow her to cause an issue for you. Just go on your merry way and forget about it. You will be happier when you do.
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  • You can't tell other people what to do.  As previously stated, people are free to associate and be friends with whomever they please.  (My FI and his ex are from a small town where everyone knows everyone, so it's natural that she still associates with my FI's family, it's no big thing.  Now we're all just one big awkward happy family.) Laughing

    He's marrying YOU. Not her.  Maybe she's "prying" her way into their lives to make you jealous, or maybe she's genuinely friends with his family.  Either way, you can't control what other people do, you can only control what you do.

    So try and remember that he chose you.  He wants to spend the rest of his life with you, not her.  He asked you to marry him, not her.  Stop being jealous of someone who is not a threat to you and enjoy the fact that you have a man that loves you and is ready to make the most important commitment a couple can make.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_fis-ex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:3387d27f-7a82-4f2e-9a58-31cd80787961Post:e2811706-015f-406b-b2f7-7f5c1fe26d4f">Re: FI's ex...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FI's ex... : I never told them what to do. My FI confronted them about it at first because it made HIM uncomfortable.
    Posted by andriana13[/QUOTE]
    If he spoke to his family about being uncomfotable, that's really all he can do. If the family still wants to be friends with the ex, then it's their prerogative. It sucks, but there isn't much else to do.
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  • My FI hooked up with one of FSIL's good friends like a year before we started dating. It kind of bothers me but I know he's not dating her. I think in time you'll get less jealous. If his family likes her so what. I'm assuming they like you too right? If not, oh well. They'll have to deal with you or not see their son as much. FI loves you and yes that is the important thing.

    I still talk to one of my ex's. FI knows and is ok enough with it. But the ex and I are friends and always talk about each others relationships with current partners.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_fis-ex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:3387d27f-7a82-4f2e-9a58-31cd80787961Post:4193bfdb-e478-4c1c-ae8a-cc6ff86b4ff8">Re: FI's ex...</a>:
    [QUOTE]His Ex was a terrible girlfriend to my FI. She was rude and she cheated on him with several other guys. I don't understand why his family would still want to associate with her. I know that if my family were in the same situation they wouldn't still be in contact with him.
    Posted by andriana13[/QUOTE]
    I was in a similar situation.  My BF's ex of three years was pretty woven into his family.  She was around for his younger brothers & sister growing up, so they were all very close.  In the beginning of our relationship, I was purely jealous.  This stemmed mostly from my own insecurities.  I was also peeved in the beginning at her involvement with his family because she was polluting his family about BF & I's relationship (making up lies about me, etc, to make the younger siblings not like me).  Eventually, the siblings got to know me and formed their own opinions.  After overcoming my own insecurities and working hard to get to know his family, all is well. <div>
    </div><div>Have you considered trying to be more actively involved with his family? It sounds like you wish you spent the time with them that exGF does.  If it was a few years ago I doubt you should be concerned with her.  Maybe you'll end up being friends.  She must be some kind of pleasant if they still have her around.  She might not be so bad as a person.</div>
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  • Unlike everyone else, who says you're being dramatic and over reacting, I'll have to disagree. Everyone gets a little jealous when it comes to their SO's and their ex's. And if PP's on here want to act as though they've never been jealous, well thats just BS. I agree with you and would feel awkward/uncomfortable about it. I also don't think OP was trying to tell anyone in her FI's family what to do or trying to MAKE them do anything. It seemed like a vent post to me.

    But in all reality, there isn't much you can do about the ex gf. You'd think she'd back off a little from his family once her and your FI broke things off, but some women are just strange.  I'd never in my life try to hold strong ties with an ex bf's family once we were broken up, and especially not once he was engaged to someone new. Hopefully as time passes, and when your fiance's brothers get in relationships or married, I'm sure they'll spend less time with her. I'd just put it in the back of your mind. Don't let it ruin you're engagement. It's supposed to be a fun and happy time!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_fis-ex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:3387d27f-7a82-4f2e-9a58-31cd80787961Post:df9334da-4ffd-4f00-bf82-ae3f466fb744">Re: FI's ex...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FI's ex... : If he spoke to his family about being uncomfotable, that's really all he can do. If the family still wants to be friends with the ex, then it's their prerogative. It sucks, but there isn't much else to do.
    Posted by mbody[/QUOTE]

    This exactly. Neither of you gets to say who FIs family can hang out with. Your FIs relationship with her is separate from his family's relationship with her, and nothing to do with your FI or you. And getting upset about it just makes you look jealous.

    Try and look at the situation from the ex's perspective. Just because they broke up, that doesn't mean she should never be able to talk to his family again. I dated my ex for 10 1/2 years, and during that time, I became very close with his family. We broke up 8 years ago and I still receive Christmas cards from his mom and get together occasionally with his sister. I don't consider this to be disrespectful to his current relationship because I don't stay in touch with him, and I don't talk about him or his relationship when I get together with his sister. Our friendship is completely separate from the relationship I had with my ex.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_fis-ex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:3387d27f-7a82-4f2e-9a58-31cd80787961Post:11087840-0375-4b49-ba75-5394b378694e">Re: FI's ex...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'd never in my life try to hold strong ties with an ex bf's family once we were broken up, and especially not once he was engaged to someone new.
    Posted by KayCee85[/QUOTE]

    So if you were close friends with an ex's family members, the moment you'd broke up, you would tell them you couldn't be friends with them or speak to them anymore?
  • RamonaFlowersRamonaFlowers member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_fis-ex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:3387d27f-7a82-4f2e-9a58-31cd80787961Post:11087840-0375-4b49-ba75-5394b378694e">Re: FI's ex...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Unlike everyone else, who says you're being dramatic and over reacting, I'll have to disagree. Everyone gets a little jealous when it comes to their SO's and their ex's. And if PP's on here want to act as though they've never been jealous, well thats just BS.  ItPosted by KayCee85[/QUOTE]

    I never said I've never been jealous (Although, while I have been jealous of people in the past, I can honestly say, I've never been jealous of DH's ex. She was a complete wench and everybody in his life was ready to throw him a parade when they broke up). I actually said in my PP that there was nothing wrong with OP being annoyed by it. It's okay to be irritated by something/someone.

    However, thinking that her FI's family isn't "respecting" her or something by hanging out with this girl <strong>is</strong>being dramatic. Unless spending time with this girl is leading to his family making comments about how OP and her FI should break up so FI can get back together with the ex, they haven't done anything that could be considered disrespectful here.

    *I felt sorry for my husband before I met him. Take a number.*
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_fis-ex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:3387d27f-7a82-4f2e-9a58-31cd80787961Post:11087840-0375-4b49-ba75-5394b378694e">Re: FI's ex...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Unlike everyone else, who says you're being dramatic and over reacting, I'll have to disagree. Everyone gets a little jealous when it comes to their SO's and their ex's. And if PP's on here <strong>want to act as though they've never been jealous, well thats just BS</strong>. I agree with you and would feel awkward/uncomfortable about it. I also don't think OP was trying to tell anyone in her FI's family what to do or trying to MAKE them do anything. <strong>It seemed like a vent post to me</strong>. But in all reality, there isn't much you can do about the ex gf. You'd think she'd back off a little from his family once her and your FI broke things off, but some women are just strange.  I'd never in my life try to hold strong ties with an ex bf's family once we were broken up, and especially not once he was engaged to someone new. Hopefully as time passes, <strong>and when your fiance's brothers get in relationships or married, I'm sure they'll spend less time with her.</strong> I'd just put it in the back of your mind. Don't let it ruin you're engagement. It's supposed to be a fun and happy time!
    Posted by KayCee85[/QUOTE]
    Strong statement to make there. Jealousy is ugly and can tear relationships apart. I, myself, and I believe other PP's were trying to help the OP, not gloat on the fact that we're not jealous.

    Yes, venting maybe but why not offer some advise to help her move forward and overcome the issue? Especially from those who are in (or have been in) similar situations?

    If her FI's brothers are truely friends with this girl, why would they stop being friends with someone because they are in a romantic relationship or married? A change in single status, does not mean you drop friends. Again, another reason posters were trying to help OP is because this girl may be in her FI's brothers' lives for a while because they are <em>friends.</em>
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  • I also don't believe that they are really disrespecting you by hanging out with her. I can see why you are not a fan of it (and I wouldn't be either), but you really can't tell them who to hang out with.

    I will say though that I can totally understand your FI being upset. I would be upset if I had an ex who cheated on me and treated me badly and my family still wanted to be friends with her. But again, beyond what he has done, which is tell them that it makes him uncomfortable, there isn't much he can do about this either.
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  • I am BFF with my ex of 5 years fam. his sis was my MOH. You don't get a choice who his family is friends with. Get over it.
  • If I had to guess, the ex probably knows you are jealous and that's why she continues to make the effort with his family.  If you let it go, she'll probably go away sooner than later.  And if she doesn't, because it's a genuine relationship, then you won't care anymore anyways. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_fis-ex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:3387d27f-7a82-4f2e-9a58-31cd80787961Post:8732aba7-54d5-46bf-9f18-4593679703c6">FI's ex...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok, so my FI dated a girl a few years back for about a year. I've never been able to stand this girl but knowing that she dated my FI makes it even worse. I'm usually not a terribly jealous person but she gets me pretty angry. My FI can't stand her thought...thank goodness. The thing that bothers me is that she is still trying to pry her way back into his family. She is friends with two of his brothers (she has special nicknames for them and everything) and they hang out with her quite a bit. She also spends a lot of time with his dad and his step-mom. They both adore her (this ex sees this side of the family more than I do). I would like to think that if I were in her place I would back off. I try to complain about it to my FI but he doesn't like to talk about her. He already tried asking his brothers and his dad and step-mom to quit hanging out with her but it doesn't help. I don't know what else I can do. I can't tell his family who they can and can't spend their time with, but at the same time I would think that they would be more respectful of me. Am I overreacting? What should I do?
    Posted by andriana13[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>I would say, that as long as she's not butting in on family gatherings where you are present, I would not to get too worked up over it. I wouldn't ask him to talk to him family about it though, that puts him (and them) in an awkward position when he isn't the one talking to her. </div><div>
    </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_fis-ex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:3387d27f-7a82-4f2e-9a58-31cd80787961Post:c3857bc7-84d2-46a5-9e35-d0ba08ee6c55">Re: FI's ex...</a>:
    [QUOTE]If I had to guess, the ex probably knows you are jealous and that's why she continues to make the effort with his family.  If you let it go, she'll probably go away sooner than later.  And if she doesn't, because it's a genuine relationship, then you won't care anymore anyways. 
    Posted by NO2012[/QUOTE]

    <div>I completely agree!</div>
  • I can understand where you are coming from, but really there isn't much you can do about it. Some situations just suck. Try your best to just separate yourself from it and ignore her. Don't draw more attention to her, because that may be what she wants.
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  • lol all these negative comment all i will say if the shoe was on the other foot you would  be pissed smh at yall
  • My FI dated a girl for only a few months a few years ago and she's still involved with his family. Whatever. It bothered me a little at first, but after a while I didn't even care. She avoids us like a plague, so it was weird she kept coming around to big family parties. I have noticed she comes around less and less now that my FI is "off the market". Coincidence? Maybe...either way, it's not going to ruin my day.
    Just move on and stop letting it bother you. Most likely when she finds someone else and a new family she'll leave your FI's alone.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_fis-ex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:3387d27f-7a82-4f2e-9a58-31cd80787961Post:26e84647-74a7-4a56-b493-fb01fc8ec0d3">Re: FI's ex...</a>:
    [QUOTE]lol all these negative comment all i will say if the shoe was on the other foot you would  be pissed smh at yall
    Posted by kthowell[/QUOTE]

    Maybe you would be, but you're wrong to assume everyone would. I can honestly say I wouldn't be pissed. I am secure in my relationship, and no matter how much FIs ex may be around, that has no bearing on our relationship. And it is certainly not my place to dictate who FIs family can hang out with.
  • I feel so bad for you hun! what an ugly situation to be in! my Fiance's ex lives right across the street from his moms, so our fourth of julys, easters, etc were outside seeing their family celebrate too! laugh it off girl! it totally sucks! but i dont know now or later, she will find someone of her own and get close to her new in laws,. life goes on hun. shes wont be doing it forever "I hope"
    just think.
    it can always be worse!
    and for the jealously. its a feeling. its okay to feel it. i know were me and my fiance stand. hes with me, not her! and we are going strong!
    Best advice! be humble. smile. and focus on both of you! :)
    and if you ever need to vent? message me! :)
    best of luck!
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