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Bridal parties aren't tit for tat, right?

Wheels987Wheels987 member
100 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
A friend texted me last night saying "I was kinda surprised to find out that you're having bridesmaids and didn't include me".

Now I feel like the worst friend ever, but holy cow. I can't believe she actually texted that to me! I haven't called her yet, because really, what the hell am I supposed to say to her other than "I"m sorry your feelings are hurt".

Ideas?
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Re: Bridal parties aren't tit for tat, right?

  • s-aries8990s-aries8990 member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    edited April 2013
    2 questions for more info:

    1) When were you in her WP?
    2) How big/who is in your WP?

    ETA: And I ask these because idk if her wedding was last month or 5 years ago (not that it REALLY matters, but your WP should be your BFFLS and she may be hurt that you don't consider her one), or if you're having like a 17 person wedding party and just happened to leave her out.
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  • daveANDkristendaveANDkristen member
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    It's obviously not important enough to her to address it in person like a grown-up.  No, wedding parties aren't tit for tat, but some people think they should be.  I would say "I'm sorry your feelings are hurt", if anything at all.

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  • Wheels987Wheels987 member
    100 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited April 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-parties-arent-tit-for-tat-right?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9b4da174-f46f-4f0c-9ddb-78ce11472a4dPost:3023b1ae-4d7e-4f04-9850-6a92828dab9c">Re: Bridal parties aren't tit for tat, right?</a>:
    [QUOTE]2 questions for more info: 1) When were you in her WP? 2) How big/who is in your WP?
    Posted by sydaries[/QUOTE]

    1. I was in her wedding party last year
    2. I have 4 people, my sister, and 3 girls who are my best friends.

    When I made my decision re: bridal party, I thought of the people I would want there no matter what. Those are the people I asked. I'm closer with 2 specific people over this particular person, so I felt if I asked her that I should also ask those two other people. But in all honesty, I think I chose wisely.

    ETA: We live on opposite coasts, but I do agree that a phone call would have been a MUCH better idea than a text.
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  • AJuliaNJAJuliaNJ member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Combo Breaker
    They're not, but people still get hurt if they expected to be in the party and aren't. It's not your fault; it just happens.

    I don't think you have to have much more of a plan than you already have to call her. I'm sure you had a very good reason for picking the ladies you did and you could explain in a non-hurtful way. I'd focus more on why you picked the people you did than why you didn't pick her (I kept it to family, I only selected my 2 best friends). 

    Why didn't you select her? I can give more specific advice based on that. 
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  • s-aries8990s-aries8990 member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    Oh, so I'm guessing you're not a "into the relationship" as she is. I'm not saying you're not friends, but everyone has circles, and she's just not as close to the middle as your WP is.

    I'd ignore it. If she reallly wanted to say something, she would have called you.

    As a preemptive strike on my part, try to refrian from posting about it on social media. It can cause headaches.
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  • Wheels987Wheels987 member
    100 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    We're not super close anymore. We were really close in highschool, but there are just other people that I'm closer to. It was one of those situations where I felt as though if I asked her, I would also have to ask other people that I'm close(r) to.
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  • Wheels987Wheels987 member
    100 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-parties-arent-tit-for-tat-right?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9b4da174-f46f-4f0c-9ddb-78ce11472a4dPost:2c2ad8c1-879c-4474-b941-7f7a8c253447">Re: Bridal parties aren't tit for tat, right?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh, so I'm guessing you're not a "into the relationship" as she is. I'm not saying you're not friends, but everyone has circles, and she's just not as close to the middle as your WP is. I'd ignore it. If she reallly wanted to say something, she would have called you. As a preemptive strike on my part, try to refrian from posting about it on social media. It can cause headaches.
    Posted by sydaries[/QUOTE]

    Oh no no no... I would NEVER post on social media about something like that. I have a strict no wedding talk on fb rule. I honestly feel bad that she's so hurt, I really am. But I never thought she'd come right out and say something. And now I'm worried that she's going to end a friendship over it.
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  • s-aries8990s-aries8990 member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-parties-arent-tit-for-tat-right?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9b4da174-f46f-4f0c-9ddb-78ce11472a4dPost:186f5519-21e0-4798-a52d-746957710c17">Re: Bridal parties aren't tit for tat, right?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridal parties aren't tit for tat, right? : Oh no no no... I would NEVER post on social media about something like that. I have a strict no wedding talk on fb rule. I honestly feel bad that she's so hurt, I really am. But I never thought she'd come right out and say something.<em> </em><strong>And now I'm worried that she's going to end a friendship over it.</strong>
    Posted by Wheels987[/QUOTE]

    Did she text you late on like a weekend night or something? She might have had some liquid courage in her. x?
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  • NOLAbridealmostNOLAbridealmost member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    If you still care about this girl at all, I'd respond because silence seems like the kind of thing that would make things even more weird. 

    "I'm sorry you were surprised; I hope you understand that I asked my sister and the people I am closest to at this point in my life.  Can we get together next time we're in the same city to catch up?"

    And then the ball's in her court to act like an adult or be a big baby.
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  • Wheels987Wheels987 member
    100 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    No--8pm her time and she's pregnant. I'm hoping that she's hormonal and can look past this? This is definitely a "Well that ship has sailed anyways, nothing you can do!" type of thing, but whatever happened to "it's also an honor to be invited as a guest"?
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  • FruitSnack84FruitSnack84
    100 Comments Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited April 2013
    I was kind of in your friend's position, and I'm embarrassed by how I reacted. She texted me about how she had picked out bridesmaids dresses and found her wedding dress, but then went on to tell me who was in her wedding (not me!) I was soooo hurt because I consider her my best friend, but obviously she doesn't feel the same way about me. In her defense, her now husband has 3 sisters, so she had to include them and she didnt want a big wedding party. I tried to accept it, but I told her I was having a hard time getting over it but that I'd still like for her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. (We were both engaged and starting to plan our weddings) She ended up never actually asking me to be a bridesmaid, just asked when I could get fitted for my dress. I was in her wedding, but I think she resented me the whole time :( Now I realize I shouldn't have said anything no matter how much it hurt.
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  • daveANDkristendaveANDkristen member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-parties-arent-tit-for-tat-right?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9b4da174-f46f-4f0c-9ddb-78ce11472a4dPost:8f0bcdf0-1dbc-4447-b4a2-98ded2989b86">Re: Bridal parties aren't tit for tat, right?</a>:
    [QUOTE]We're not super close anymore. We were really close in highschool, but there are just other people that I'm closer to.<strong> It was one of those situations where I felt as though if I asked her, I would also have to ask other people that I'm close(r) to</strong>.
    Posted by Wheels987[/QUOTE]

    I just wanted to say I completely understand on the bolded.  I was in a friend's WP 4 years ago, and didn't ask her when I got married.  I felt bad, but the truth is we are not that close.  I have a large group of friends and I feel like if I had asked her I would have had to ask others that I am closer to to spare even more hurt feelings.  I asked only my three oldest (and closest) girlfriends. 
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  • Wheels987Wheels987 member
    100 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-parties-arent-tit-for-tat-right?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9b4da174-f46f-4f0c-9ddb-78ce11472a4dPost:25e8ba9b-90f7-4916-8af3-9149e50a0634">Re: Bridal parties aren't tit for tat, right?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridal parties aren't tit for tat, right? : I just wanted to say I completely understand on the bolded.  I was in a friend's WP 4 years ago, and didn't ask her when I got married.  I felt bad, but the truth is we are not that close.  I have a large group of friends and I feel like if I had asked her I would have had to ask others that I am closer to to spare even more hurt feelings.  I asked only my three oldest (and closest) girlfriends. 
    Posted by daveANDkristen[/QUOTE]

    That's EXACTLY how it is. I definitely plan on calling her today, and I really hope she will be ok. I never intended to damage friendships over this.

    FruitSnack--thanks for sharing your story. I don't plan on asking her now, but maybe there's hope that we can somewhat recover from this?
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