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Being Fair About Dates- The Problem BM

I was just wondering how other brides felt about this...

I have four bridesmaids.  My maid of honor lives 5 hours away.  Another one of my bridesmaids is getting married a month before me.  When planning festivities, I deliberately asked these bridesmaids what dates worked for them first because they have the hardest schedules to work around and are two of my best friends (one for 14 yrs and one for 12 yrs kind of best friends.)

Now, I have this other BM, we shall call her G.  I worked in bridal for years and saw a lot of brides get upset about their BM's having their own lives, like getting engaged or losing weight or having a baby.  I vowed not to be this bride.  So, when G decided to enter a weight loss challenge this year that started with her piling on 25 lbs over the holidays so she could lose 50 total this year, I did not even bat an eye.  I encouraged her to lose weight.  I leant her workout videos.  I only once expressed concern about her dress needing alterations.  She handled it really well, promised that she was prepared to pay, and that was that.

Then it came time for the bachelorette party planning.  I am getting married September 7 and am in my other BM's wedding on Aug. 10.  I cunsulter her schedule and my schedule and there was only one day available for a bachelorette party that wasn't three months before the wedding.  I set the date with my MOH.  Then I started getting messages.  Come to find out G has signed up for class that is Saturday and Sunday of every other weekend for the whole year.  It just happens that my wedding and my bachelorette party fall on these weekends.  She asked if we could pick another date because she didn't want to miss more than one class, which she was missing for the wedding.  My MOH politely explained that we were working around twoo weddings, two showers, another bachelorette party, and a 5 hour drive.  G was not happy.  MOH was not happy.  I should also point out that the class gets out at 5 on Satruday and starts at 11 on Sunday.  She could easily come out for a few hours.

A couple of weekends ago, G and I went to the bar and then back to her place and were hanging out.  She cornered me.  She was like, "I don't know what you've heard about your bachelorette party but I wont be there because MOH planned it on a weekend that I specifically told her wouldn't work for me."  I replied with a simple, "I'm sorry.  I know you're going to have to miss it but we had to work around.... "  G was still not okay with it and told me a bunch of super secret planning that I was going on but only the things she knew would stress me out.

Am I being rude by scheduling the bachelorette on a weekend when one of my BP members can't make it?  I feel like I did my best with scheduling and liek it's not fair to ask me to have my bachelorette party three months before the wedding.  I am perfectly okay with G not making it, though a little disappointed because I like spending time with her.  What do you think?

Re: Being Fair About Dates- The Problem BM

  • you are not being rude.  It sounds like any weekend chosen is going to leave someone out.  Its not that she does not want to go, it is that she cannot--and that is her deal.  She either makes it work, even for a few hours, or she will be missed.  She dhould not be making you feel bad in the process.  My FSIL cannot attend my bachelorette because she has to study--that is her choice.  She will be missed; but scheduling around her finals would mean my 2 best friends could not be there so I had to pick a weekend that better suited our guests, which was leaving FSIL out unfortunatley.  No offense to your friend, but it is what it is and people cannot expect you to work around everyone's schedule.   Put the drama aside and don't let it ruin your bachelorette party! 

  • In life you cannot accomodate everyone and people often times will have their feelings hurt. Weddings are one of those touchy situations that often sting the most. It sounds like you have gone to great lengths to put others first to ensure that they can be present for parties, showers and the big day itself.

    No wedding is perfect, and you are always going to have one person out of the bunch upset about something either small or large. If this G cannot make it because she values this class so highly and is committed then let her go, but remind her of something first. She committed when you asked her to be a part of your special day, so why can't she follow through and be present for only a few hours at your bachelourette party?

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    No, not rude. You can't please everyone. if you chose another date, someone ELSE might not be able to make it, and it just never ends.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
  • I agree that you aren't being rude and you can't please everyone. However, I don't see why you are so opposed to having it three months before the wedding, especially if that would mean everyone could make it.
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  • I guess I'm not understanding what the problem is with a bachelorette that's 3 mos from the wedding. If doing it then would have been a time that worked for everyone, what's so bad about it?
    • We had my bridal shower March 30th, and my wedding isn't until August 17th. It was a date that worked for everyone, as far as traveling, plans, budget. We are also doing the Bach. party the last weekend in June because two of my BM's teach summer school in different states starting after the 4th. As PP have said, you can't please everybody, but changing the date to something earlier if it will allow for everyone to go, isn't so bad.


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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_being-fair-about-dates-the-problem-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d24e7165-a50d-4639-9cb7-94f0a357ba67Post:4c92f27d-315a-47f2-8261-6e8d1b0e843b">Re: Being Fair About Dates- The Problem BM</a>:
    [QUOTE]remind her of something first. She committed when you asked her to be a part of your special day, so why can't she follow through and be present for only a few hours at your bachelourette party?
    Posted by mc4dj13[/QUOTE]

    <div>Don't do this. You don't want her to guilt you into changing your date, you shouldn't be guilting her into showing up. If she can't make it, she can't make it. Let it go. </div>
    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
  • I don't see the problem with having it 3 months before. Mine will be 2 months before the wedding because a BM is moving. We're doing the clubbing/bars at the 2 month mark and then doing a second b-party/whatever-you-want-to-call-it a week before the wedding at the spa. It'll most likely just be myself and my MOH, but that's ok.

    If you don't want to change your plans, that's fine too. Your BM just needs to accept that she can't make it. You weren't rude.

  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    No you are not being rude.   However, like Banana I do not why 3 months out is such a big deal.   My shower was 3 months out because it was the only  time I fly up there.

    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_being-fair-about-dates-the-problem-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d24e7165-a50d-4639-9cb7-94f0a357ba67Post:e4a1889b-c836-4e2f-8f90-1ea79627194a">Re: Being Fair About Dates- The Problem BM</a>:
    [QUOTE]No you are not being rude.   However, like Banana I do not why 3 months out is such a big deal.   My shower was 3 months out because it was the only  time I fly up there.
    Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

    This.  I don't think you're being rude, but I'm not clear on why the shower has to be 3 months out.

    That said, I think G needs to accept that scheduling doesn't revolve around her and stop voicing objections.  If she can't make it, that's her problem but not anyone else's.

  • OP,did you also say that G is sharing secret plans related to the party that the BMs are discussing? If so, that is rude on her part.
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