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What to do about someone I don't want at our wedding (but my mom does)

heainnjheainnj member
10 Comments First Anniversary
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My mom has a friend who I strongly dislike. This friend has said a lot of nasty things about my father, while my parents were together (the seperated in Feb.), during the seperation and continues to do so. This women is in a goup of what my mom now calls "her close group of friends". She is generally a nasty gossip and for other reasons as well I don't want her around. 

I have discussed this issue with her and she get very angry/upset at me- telling me what a good friend she has been to her- and maintains her position.
My mother is contrbuting 1/3 of the budget for the wedding. 

She also wants to invite her to my shower (being thrown by my FI's family).

Advice on how to appraoch this and/or should I just let my mom invite her? 




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Re: What to do about someone I don't want at our wedding (but my mom does)

  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I would let her invite her to the wedding but not the shower. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Ditto Addie.  If you truly don't want this person at your wedding, then decline your mom's money for the wedding.  With money comes strings and this seems to be the big one for your mom.  Make sure you tell your in-laws throwing the shower, that this woman is not to be invited.
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  • TheBaysideBrideTheBaysideBride member
    250 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary
    I agree with Addie. I have two relatives like that (they are professional passive-aggressive agitators), and while I'm having them at the wedding, I did not invite them to anything else. And I've let my BMs know to keep them and any nasty vibes they emit far, far away from me.
    Good luck! as they say, there's one in every group....

    and really, it's probably pointless to even discuss it further w/ your Mom. She has probably found some support from this friend during the divorce process, so she will then you're not being fair.
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  • JMalettasJMalettas member
    500 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer

     If this was my wedding, I would strongly stress to my mother how much I didn't want this woman there. (Which I gather you probably have). I think this would depend too on if she is a person that will attempt to ruin your day. If you think she'll act appropriately, I probably would just let it go, and keep my mom happy. If I thought she would act out, or start something with a family member, I wouldn't invite her, and make sure she wasn't invited. It kind of depends on the situation, and if it will directly affect your day. 
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  • heainnjheainnj member
    10 Comments First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-to-do-about-someone-i-dont-want-at-our-wedding-but-my-mom-does?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9318b1d4-ead2-4c0c-85ae-0ce06c73ac81Post:21a527d8-df5a-4524-9a61-9357f8c4ccf2">Re: What to do about someone I don't want at our wedding (but my mom does)</a>:
    [QUOTE] If this was my wedding, I would strongly stress to my mother how much I didn't want this woman there. (Which I gather you probably have). I think this would depend too on if she is a person that will attempt to ruin your day. If you think she'll act appropriately, I probably would just let it go, and keep my mom happy. If I thought she would act out, or start something with a family member, I wouldn't invite her, and make sure she wasn't invited. It kind of depends on the situation, and if it will directly affect your day. 
    Posted by JMalettas[/QUOTE]
    That is a really good point. I am more concerned about my dad becoming angry with her and making a scene then how she acts. My dad suggested that he may throw her out if she is there. (which maybe an empty threat)
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Is your mother aware of the nasty things this woman has said?  Specifically, is she aware of the things this woman has said about your father?

    If not, I'd bring them to her attention.  If so, but she still wants her to be invited, you might try one of two things:

    1) Inviting her only to the wedding
    2) Getting a concession from your mother in a different wedding-related matter.
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  • winelover123winelover123 member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Let her go to the wedding since your mom is contributing a good bit but not the shower. Let the hosts know that you don't want her at the shower.
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  • Kristin789Kristin789 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    The shower is for the BRIDE's closest friends.
    The MOB and the MOG get courtesy invitations, and some generous brides also invite aunts, grandparents, etc.
    In no situation does the MOB invite HER OWN "CLOSE GROUP OF FRIENDS" to the shower.

    But, yeah, MOB does get to have a table of her "close group of friends" and their SO's at the wedding.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Unless you think she's the type to make a scene, let this go. Trust that the adults involved all know how to behave. If someone DOES make a scene, regardless of how much they have invested in the event, have them removed.
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  • MuppetFanMuppetFan member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    I would have a discussion with my mom about how I feel about this woman being at my wedding and wish she could respect that. If she insists, let her come to the wedding (not shower) and ignore her. You won't notice she's there.
    image   imageimage
    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    In Response to Re:What to do about someone I don't want at our wedding but my mom does:[QUOTE]The shower is for the BRIDE's closest friends.The MOB and the MOG get courtesy invitations, and some generous brides also invite aunts, grandparents, etc.In no situation does the MOB invite HER OWN "CLOSE GROUP OF FRIENDS" to the shower.But, yeah, MOB does get to have a table of her "close group of friends" and their SO's at the wedding. Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

    Where do you get this? Is it carved on stone tablets?
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  • daria24daria24 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-to-do-about-someone-i-dont-want-at-our-wedding-but-my-mom-does?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9318b1d4-ead2-4c0c-85ae-0ce06c73ac81Post:7bad1137-7e88-402e-80ca-cb6d70c04f02">Re: What to do about someone I don't want at our wedding (but my mom does)</a>:
    [QUOTE]The shower is for the BRIDE's closest friends. The MOB and the MOG get courtesy invitations, and some generous brides also invite aunts, grandparents, etc. In no situation does the MOB invite HER OWN "CLOSE GROUP OF FRIENDS" to the shower. But, yeah, MOB does get to have a table of her "close group of friends" and their SO's at the wedding.
    Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Oh lord. I must have had it backwards then. My aunts, grandmothers, cousins, etc were hardly courtesy invites to the shower. They were as essential to invite as my friends. </div><div>
    </div><div>My mother & FMIL threw a shower for me. They each invited their close friends (who were also invited to the wedding) because, you know, they are the party hosts. They can decide that. 

    </div><div>I agree with PP, invite her to the wedding, but if your FMIL asks you for input on the guest list for the shower, don't include this woman. I was not fond of some of the people invited to my wedding but other than the 5 seconds I spent with them in the receiving line I didn't give them a second thought. </div>
    image
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  • heainnjheainnj member
    10 Comments First Anniversary
    Thank you everyone!!!!
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  • ViczaesarViczaesar member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-to-do-about-someone-i-dont-want-at-our-wedding-but-my-mom-does?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9318b1d4-ead2-4c0c-85ae-0ce06c73ac81Post:21a527d8-df5a-4524-9a61-9357f8c4ccf2">Re: What to do about someone I don't want at our wedding (but my mom does)</a>:
    [QUOTE] If this was my wedding, I would strongly stress to my mother how much I didn't want this woman there. (Which I gather you probably have). I think this would depend too on if she is a person that will attempt to ruin your day. If you think she'll act appropriately, I probably would just let it go, and keep my mom happy. If I thought she would act out, or start something with a family member, I wouldn't invite her, and make sure she wasn't invited. It kind of depends on the situation, and if it will directly affect your day. 
    Posted by JMalettas[/QUOTE]
    Why do you always bold your posts?



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  • misshart00misshart00 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-to-do-about-someone-i-dont-want-at-our-wedding-but-my-mom-does?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9318b1d4-ead2-4c0c-85ae-0ce06c73ac81Post:a861c386-7e78-4c3f-ba77-f0e85f3f569b">Re: What to do about someone I don't want at our wedding (but my mom does)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: What to do about someone I don't want at our wedding (but my mom does) : Why do you always bold your posts?
    Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]



    I asked her the same thing on WP.

    <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_flower-girls-at-ceremony-but-not-reception">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_flower-girls-at-ceremony-but-not-reception</a>
    Report Reply
  • SlothGoalsSlothGoals member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-to-do-about-someone-i-dont-want-at-our-wedding-but-my-mom-does?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9318b1d4-ead2-4c0c-85ae-0ce06c73ac81Post:52d3bcd8-16f9-4e80-9ad3-4c243a164f38">Re: What to do about someone I don't want at our wedding (but my mom does)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: What to do about someone I don't want at our wedding (but my mom does) : I asked her the same thing on WP. <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_flower-girls-at-ceremony-but-not-reception">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_flower-girls-at-ceremony-but-not-reception</a>
    Posted by misshart00[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>That's a stupid reason. Bold font is annoying.

    </div>
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