stuck between a rock and a hard place

SB1512 · April 2013

So, I posted recently about a shower I was invited to for a girl I didn't know, but my FMIL is good friends with the groom's mother

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-need-to-send-a-gift

Well, due to my FMIL's pushiness and refusing to take no for an answer, and my mom's ability to cave and not hold strong to a stance, this women received an invite to my shower, because ya know, life is tit for tat.

I get an email from my mom last night that the woman is declining the invite, but she is sending a gift. So of course my mom thinks I should too and when FMIL gets wind of it she will most certainly put the pressure on me as well.

Despite being in grad school and only working per diem, I'm not doing half bad financially, but I have had some costs that are adding up both wedding and non wedding related so that between my per diem work and the small stipend I get from a fellowship I have through school, what comes into the bank basically goes right back out, plus I have had to take away money from my savings account. The fact that I don't have a job lined up yet after graduation is also quite stressful.

On one hand I know feel sort of bad that I'm not sending a gift, but on the other hand, my pushy FMIL and my own mother are the reason I'm in this position. I'm pissed that their actions have now put me in a difficult place. In all honesty, I'm still probably not going to send a gift because I really really cannot afford it, I guess I'm just looking to feel less guilty/justification in my decision.

msuprincess04 · April 2013

If you want to diffuse the situation with your mom/fmil, why not send like a $20 Target gift card or a small vase or picture frame from Marshalls?

SB1512 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_stuck-between-a-rock-and-a-hard-place?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:75e002c9-7f5a-49fb-b6c3-1fdc023226a9Post:bcae927f-443d-4751-b5f5-2b972171c979">Re: stuck between a rock and a hard place</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't feel badly about not sending a gift you can't afford to a person you don't know. My ILs are the tit for tat type and it drives me nuts, so I feel your pain. Tit for tat doesn't work when everyone isn't on the same financial playing field, and makes gift giving more like bill paying. It is stupid.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

Thank you Lia, this makes me feel much better. To the other poster, I know $20 doesn't seem like a lot but every dollar I hold on to counts at this point. It's also just occured to me that i'll need to shell out at least another $100 to have my thesis printed, ugh. It's to the point where I'm considering skipping graduation because I don't want to pay for a cap and gown.

wittykitty14 · April 2013

I wouldn't send one. Even $20 is a lot for me sometimes, and everything extra you can save matters.

To me, saying that "oh she's getting you a gift, you need to give one to her too" is the same logic as "well, you were invited to so and so's wedding, so you need to invite them to yours". That kind of logic doesn't fly with me.

bakerie · April 2013

Yes, definitely don't feel bad. If you're at the point where you may skip graduation (something I'm assuming is important to you), no way should you feel you have to spend money on a person you don't even know. Pick up a nice card from the .99 section and be done with it. Good luck with your mom and FMIL.

msuprincess04 · April 2013

If that's truely the case, then I wouldn't worry about it. Like PP said. If you don't know the person, it's not worth feeling guilty over.

s-aries8990 · April 2013

If FMIL wants you to send her a gift so bad, ask her to cover it because between Grad school and the wedding you can't afford it.

SB1512 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_stuck-between-a-rock-and-a-hard-place?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:75e002c9-7f5a-49fb-b6c3-1fdc023226a9Post:32d94f47-019b-4da0-af0e-dc4df1d6861c">Re: stuck between a rock and a hard place</a>:
[QUOTE]If FMIL wants you to send her a gift so bad, ask her to cover it because between Grad school and the wedding you can't afford it.
Posted by sydaries[/QUOTE]

Yes this is the reply that will be tempted to come out of my mouth if she starts in on me! But, to be polite I was planning on saying something like "I'm really sorry, but I have other expensive that take priority over a shower gift for this person I am not close to."

monkeysip · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_stuck-between-a-rock-and-a-hard-place?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:75e002c9-7f5a-49fb-b6c3-1fdc023226a9Post:bcae927f-443d-4751-b5f5-2b972171c979">Re: stuck between a rock and a hard place</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't feel badly about not sending a gift you can't afford to a person you don't know. My ILs are the tit for tat type and it drives me nuts, so I feel your pain. Tit for tat doesn't work when everyone isn't on the same financial playing field, and makes gift giving more like bill paying. It is stupid.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

<div>Ha... this is so true. It does feel that way sometimes. Especially when you end up giving eachother giftcards, and you think, "couldn't we both have just kept our money?"</div><div>
</div><div>@OP... I feel your pain. $20 can be too much. When I had my thesis printed, I was required to pay for 3 copies for the school (one of which had to be pure cotton, so more expensive), plus I bought 2 for myself (one for me, one for my dad). It cost over $400. I just handed the guy my credit card and tried not to throw up.</div>

MoonlightSilver · April 2013

I'd either send a card without anything in it (99 cents at CVS), or just tell FMIL and Mom that you'll do what's appropriate and refuse to explain what that is.

kerbohl · April 2013

Are these PhD thesis? I'm writing my RMA right now, and I haven't heard anything about these costs. It sounds insane!
It sucks that you have been put in this position, but I think a card should suffice. Is it bad etiquette to tell this girl that it is nice for her to offer to give a gift, but since she is unable to make it to the shower she shouldn't feel obligated to buy you anything?
I hope this is the last thing you get forced into my your FMIL . . .

sarabellam · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_stuck-between-a-rock-and-a-hard-place?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:75e002c9-7f5a-49fb-b6c3-1fdc023226a9Post:c383127b-2a9a-4119-882c-d614bfa86c71">Re: stuck between a rock and a hard place</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: stuck between a rock and a hard place : Yes this is the reply that will be tempted to come out of my mouth if she starts in on me! But, to be polite I was planning on saying something like "I'm really sorry, but I have other expensive that take priority over a shower gift for this person I <strong>do not even know, much less am close to</strong>."
Posted by SB1512[/QUOTE]

FTFY.

monkeysip · April 2013

This was my masters thesis BUT my thesis was 170 pages. Longer length=more money to print.

So yeah... my thesis was almost like a dissertation. If your thesis is more average (80 pages or something), then expect a much lower price, although the binding itself is still a hefty price no matter how short your thesis is.

winelover123 · April 2013

If you're feeling nice, I'd get a 99 cent card to send. If they (your mom and FMIL) already know your situation, I'd refuse to talk about it. When they start telling you how you simply must send a gift because of x, y and z, look away, "mmmhmmm" them and don't say anything else. You are not required to explain yourself nor are you required to send a gift.

SB1512 · April 2013

This is my master's thesis. We are required to have 2 copies printed, one for grad school, one for our department. I will probably order a third for myself. My thesis thankfully is only 53 pages (had an advisor who advocated for a manuscript style so that I can make a few changes and then send off to a journal), and our department is letting us print them in a size that's about the size of a kindle rather than a standard book size, which helps, but I think those 3 copies will cost between $100-$150.

SlothGoals · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_stuck-between-a-rock-and-a-hard-place?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:75e002c9-7f5a-49fb-b6c3-1fdc023226a9Post:0eb09c86-5a63-47db-8669-ea5ddae27e21">Re: stuck between a rock and a hard place</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: stuck between a rock and a hard place : I am sorry, but what does this mean?
Posted by Ctexasgurl26[/QUOTE]

Fixed that for you

Jen4948 · April 2013

Just send a card. You don't owe more than that (heck, you don't even owe that), and what you give is not your mother's or FMIL's business.

Sjmiller418 · April 2013

While I agree things dont have to go tit for tat be a good person adn get over it. I mostly lurk but you keep going on and on about this other girls wedding and making things a big deal when they're not even a problem. Fine you can't afford to splurge on a big gift, put your big girl panties on and tell FMIL that and ask to send a joint gift that you can contribute what you can to. And then be thankful that this other person is nice enough to send an almost stranger a present and not go and complain on an online forum about why she shouldn't have to.

arendiva · April 2013

Tell your mom not to mention to FMIL that so and so sent you a gift. It's none of FMIL's business who sends you gifts or who you send gifts to.

SB1512 · April 2013

Sorry SJmiller but when people try to dictate how I spend my money, it is a big deal. Arendiva, unfortunately FMIL will find out either because this gift will be sent along with someone else to the shower, or it's getting shipped to FI's parents house and they will ask who it's from (we are moving so trying to keep clutter to a minimum)

Sjmiller418 · April 2013

Then dont spend the money, its only a big deal because you keep going on and on. Tell them no your not sending a gift because you dont want to and change the subject when they bring it up again. Your on these boards enough to know thats how to handle unwanted converstations.

One thread on getting people to justify your actions so that you dont have to feel quilty is more then enough, which you only feel quilty when you know your doing something wrong that may hurt someone else, but two is going on and on making it a big deal out of nothing.

While its not required as shown on BOTH threads that you dont need to send a gift the girl is sending you one and I would feel guilty too knowing that she was nice enough to send a gift but I wasnt doing the same even if it wasnt of the same caliber its polite to send something. Not just because your FMIL said so but because its polite.

SB1512 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_stuck-between-a-rock-and-a-hard-place?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:75e002c9-7f5a-49fb-b6c3-1fdc023226a9Post:e7b81d28-322a-45f4-80a3-f37a71021b89">Re: stuck between a rock and a hard place</a>:
[QUOTE]I might be terrible, but I wouldn't send a card to her for a shower. What would it say, "Congratualtions on getting a bunch of presents!" Seems silly to me. Your only obligation is to send her a TY note for the gift she sent you. If FI, FMIL or anyone else thinks she needs more presents, they are free to send them, but being the bride doesn't mean that responsibility falls on you.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

Well, I'm not sending anything, but FI is going to buy something off her registry and send it along with his mom for her shower. It will double as their wedding gift since we will not be attending their wedding. So, it looks like things are resolved

SB1512 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_stuck-between-a-rock-and-a-hard-place?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:75e002c9-7f5a-49fb-b6c3-1fdc023226a9Post:b72f2503-644e-489a-9882-8cbba5f8d0fd">Re: stuck between a rock and a hard place</a>:
[QUOTE]Then dont spend the money, its only a big deal because you keep going on and on. Tell them no your not sending a gift because you dont want to and change the subject when they bring it up again. Your on these boards enough to know thats how to handle unwanted converstations. One thread on getting people to justify your actions so that you dont have to feel quilty is more then enough, which you only feel quilty when you know your doing something wrong that may hurt someone else, but two is going on and on making it a big deal out of nothing. While its not required as shown on BOTH threads that you dont need to send a gift the girl is sending you one and I would feel guilty too knowing that she was nice enough to send a gift but I wasnt doing the same even if it wasnt of the same caliber its polite to send something. Not just because your FMIL said so but because its polite.
Posted by Sjmiller418[/QUOTE]

Well, different people have different feelings on what's polite. Personally, I think it's pretty darn impolite that my FMIL bullied my mother into inviting this girl to my shower, leading to her giving me a gift in the first place. I do not believe in the tit for tat business, and many other here will agree with me. Others, such as yourself will not and that's perfectly fine. There isn't a right or wrong answer here, just a difference of opinion.

Edit to add: Just an FYI there are 2 postings about this matter because things changed between teh first and second post. In the first post my mother was not yet bullied into inviting this girl to my shower so there was no gift in question. Between that post and today, things have changed, hence the need for an update because of the new circumstances.

melissanjoe21 · April 2013

I just don't get all this. Your basically complaining about the same person on two posts.

You can just decline and that can be the end of it.

Stop worrying about her intentions on her inviting you seriously. Its really not worth loosing sleep and you are a big girl and you don't need the knot to justify what you want to do.

Like one poster says go get a frame or something from Marshalls or how about homegoods. That is if your really loosing sleep over this.

Sjmiller418 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_stuck-between-a-rock-and-a-hard-place?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:75e002c9-7f5a-49fb-b6c3-1fdc023226a9Post:39d53ae8-52aa-4d8a-b3f7-688b24c7770b">Re: stuck between a rock and a hard place</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: stuck between a rock and a hard place : Well, different people have different feelings on what's polite. Personally,<strong> I think it's pretty darn impolite that my FMIL bullied my mother into inviting this girl to my shower</strong>, leading to her giving me a gift in the first place. I do not believe in the tit for tat business, and many other here will agree with me. Others, such as yourself will not and that's perfectly fine. There isn't a right or wrong answer here, just a difference of opinion. Edit to add: Just an FYI there are 2 postings about this matter because things changed between teh first and second post. In the first post my mother was not yet bullied into inviting this girl to my shower so there was no gift in question. Between that post and today, things have changed, hence the need for an update because of the new circumstances.
Posted by SB1512[/QUOTE]

Two wrongs dont make a right, and like I said befire you would feel guilty like you OP stated if you felt it was wrong

stuck between a rock and a hard place

Re: stuck between a rock and a hard place

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