Bridesmaid from Hell

steffieallen · April 2013

Ok, I know the etiquette: Once you ask someone to be a bridesmaid, you're stuck with them unless they pretty much sleep with the groom or something. And of course it hasn't come to that, but I want to know, when is enough enough? I asked my group of high school girlfriends-four girls who have known each other and gotten along since freshman year-and 1 has always been a little "feisty" we'll say, but she recently got dumped (like, blindsided) by her boyfriend and had to move home and yadayadayada, she's gotten out of control. A few weeks ago she was inappropriately pushy about how I should buy her bridesmaid dress for her. Uh, no, agreeing to the HONOR of being a bridesmaid comes with a little financial responsibility, (the dresses are $160, alterations included, not outrageous in my opinion, but I'll leave that up to you all). Aside from that she is ALWAYS late, and thinks it's funny, and it's not. And the more reaction she gets about it, the more she likes it. So she was an hour and a half late to my shower (which wasn't even a huge deal really, but people just kept asking where she was) then she pissed off the rest of the bridal party because they were looking out for me and being defensive on my behalf, so she felt bullied and ran away crying (LITERALLY), texting me about 50 times while I'm trying to have the stupid chit chat with the wonderful hostess and my parents' friends. It became a scene and it was really embarrassing. Now my poor dad is even involved (and I think we all know how awkward dads can get at their daughters' weddings) and he is really concerned she's going to throw some hissy fit in the middle of the ceremony. I have already vowed to do a "friend cleanse" after the wedding, but with all the outside pressure, and internal paranoia, I am really considering sitting her down and asking her to step down, she hasn't gotten her dress yet (another point of contention) and I'd ask her to sit up front with my family... but even as I'm writing this now I'm concerned that seeing the rest of the girls up there will make her even more emotional. Can I ask her to step down? And what should I say if I do? (oh, ps, we're all 28, I mean, insane, right?!)

kmmssg · April 2013

You could have saved the fiasco at the shower by not engaging her texts.

It is very clear to me that everyone ALLOWS her to act this way and probably always has. She is late and thinks it is funny. Would she think it is funny if everyone just started whatever it was on time and moved along without her? I'm not just talking about your shower either. You said she is ALWAYS late. What do you guys do about it? Do you wait for her?

She got exactly what she was looking for by running to the bathroom crying and texting you. Ignore the drama crap and call her out on it. Has anyone in the group ever done that?

Sit her down and talk to her. Tell her how embarrassed you were at her immature behavior at your shower and how uncomfortable it made everyone else.

As far as asking her to step down? Take the wedding out of this and decide if this is a friendship that can be saved? Are you asking her to change behaviors she has always exhibited and you have tolerated? If so, that isn't going to go very well.

Do you want to continue the friendship? If so, do not ask her to step down, and above all, don't try doing that and offer to seat her with your family. Then she would pull some dramatic crap about not being up at the altar AND it would be a tremendous insult to do that to her.

If you ask her to step down it needs to be because you are ending the friendship. Once you ask her, it WILL end it.

If you and the other girls have always tolerated this behavior I don't understand why anyone would think she would be different for the wedding.

Choose wisely.

Stina51286 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-from-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:48ddbd74-03db-4e18-bdde-31377c326b74Post:cd65709d-7367-4c97-96fa-7d8a6c6b2c11">Bridesmaid from Hell</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, I know the etiquette: Once you ask someone to be a bridesmaid, you're stuck with them unless they pretty much sleep with the groom or something. And of course it hasn't come to that, but I want to know, when is enough enough? I asked my group of high school girlfriends-four girls who have known each other and gotten along since freshman year-and 1 has always been a little "feisty" we'll say, but she recently got dumped (like, blindsided) by her boyfriend and had to move home and yadayadayada, she's gotten out of control. A few weeks ago she was inappropriately pushy about how I should buy her bridesmaid dress for her. Uh, no, agreeing to the HONOR of being a bridesmaid comes with a little financial responsibility, (the dresses are $160, alterations included, not outrageous in my opinion, but I'll leave that up to you all). Aside from that she is ALWAYS late, and thinks it's funny, and it's not. And the more reaction she gets about it, the more she likes it. So she was an hour and a half late to my shower (which wasn't even a huge deal really, but people just kept asking where she was) then she pissed off the rest of the bridal party because they were looking out for me and being defensive on my behalf, so she felt bullied and ran away crying (LITERALLY), texting me about 50 times while I'm trying to have the stupid chit chat with the wonderful hostess and my parents' friends. It became a scene and it was really embarrassing. Now my poor dad is even involved (and I think we all know how awkward dads can get at their daughters' weddings) and he is really concerned she's going to throw some hissy fit in the middle of the ceremony. I have already vowed to do a "friend cleanse" after the wedding, but with all the outside pressure, and internal paranoia, I am really considering sitting her down and asking her to step down, she hasn't gotten her dress yet (another point of contention) and I'd ask her to sit up front with my family... but even as I'm writing this now I'm concerned that seeing the rest of the girls up there will make her even more emotional. Can I ask her to step down? And what should I say if I do? (oh, ps, we're all 28, I mean, insane, right?!)
Posted by steffieallen[/QUOTE]

1. Paragraphs are your friends
2. What do you mean by a "friend cleanse"?
3. Do you plan on removing this girl from your life forever? Because that is what will happen if you tell her she's out. You aren't asking her to step down, you are technically kicking her out of her wedding.
4. If she doesn't buy the dress, well then she has removed her self. Also, how do you know she can afford $160? Did you ask them all individually?

itzMS · April 2013

She's going through a breakup for goodness sake. I don't know about anyone else, but I've gotten pretty emotional in the past during the time right after a breakup.

Not everything is about you and your wedding.

Leave her alone for awhile, don't gossip about her, and focus on you and your FI.

Maybe--gawd forbid--call her and see if she wants to go out for a drink and cry about her breakup? Isn't that what good friends do?

harper0813 · April 2013

Did you ask her what her budget was for a BM dress before you chose it?

If you did ask her, and you met her budget - her choice not to buy a dress is her stepping down. If she doesn't buy it, she is not a bridesmaid. If she does, she is.

"Asking" (good point, Retread) her to step down is a friendship-ending move. She will likely not come to your wedding. She is emotional because of her breakup, and emotions tend to make people irrational. I would recommend trying to look past the crazies and being a supportive friend to her. Take her out, let her vent, and let her know that you care about her life.

Peledreamsofrain · April 2013

OP, how are you 28 and having 'daddy' wade into your trivial social squabbles? I'm having a serious problem wrapping my head around this one. Is he going to mediate your marriage for you too?

AddieCake · April 2013

I find it hard to believe that she would throw a hissy fit in the middle of the ceremony, so I hope that's not what you're going to use to make your decision here.

zitiqueen · April 2013

It sounds like you knew exactly what you'd be signing up for if you asked her and you asked her anyway. That's on you, not her.

Sierra524 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-from-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:48ddbd74-03db-4e18-bdde-31377c326b74Post:cd65709d-7367-4c97-96fa-7d8a6c6b2c11">Bridesmaid from Hell</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, I know the etiquette: Once you ask someone to be a bridesmaid, you're stuck with them unless they pretty much sleep with the groom or something. And of course it hasn't come to that, but I want to know, when is enough enough? I asked my group of high school girlfriends-four girls who have known each other and gotten along since freshman year-<strong>and 1 has always been a little "feisty" we'll say, but she recently got dumped (like, blindsided) by her boyfriend and had to move home and yadayadayada, she's gotten out of control.</strong> A few weeks ago she was inappropriately pushy about how I should buy her bridesmaid dress for her. Uh, no, agreeing to the <strong>HONOR of being a bridesmaid comes with a little financial responsibility, </strong>(the dresses are $160, alterations included, not outrageous in my opinion, but I'll leave that up to you all). Aside from that she is ALWAYS late, and thinks it's funny, and it's not. <strong>And the more reaction she gets about it, the more she likes it</strong>. So she was an hour and a half late to my shower (which wasn't even a huge deal really, but people just kept asking where she was) then she pissed off the rest of the bridal party because they were looking out for me and being defensive on my behalf, so she felt bullied and ran away crying (LITERALLY), texting me about 50 times while I'm trying to have the stupid chit chat with the wonderful hostess and my parents' friends. <strong> It became a scene and it was really embarrassing.</strong> Now my poor dad is even involved (and I think we all know how awkward dads can get at their daughters' weddings) and he is really concerned she's going to throw some hissy fit in the middle of the ceremony. <strong> I have already vowed to do a "friend cleanse"</strong> after the wedding, but with all the outside pressure, and internal paranoia, I am really considering sitting her down and asking her to step down<strong>, she hasn't gotten her dress yet (another point of contention)</strong> and I'd ask her to sit up front with my family... but even as I'm writing this now I'm concerned that seeing the rest of the girls up there will make her even more emotional. <strong> Can I ask her to step down? And what should I say if I do? (oh, ps, we're all 28, I mean, insane, right?!)</strong>
Posted by steffieallen[/QUOTE]

I really dont understand why you asked her to be in your wedding party if you knew that she was like this? I also dont understand why you asked her if you dont plan on remaining friends with her after your wedding?
Did you ask her what her budget was for the dress prior to picking one out? Also, your wedding isnt until September. She doesnt need to order her dress yet.
To be fair, she may be acting out of sorts because of the fact that she just got dumped and had to move back home. I mean, give her a break. She is obviously having issues of her own.
Obviously she feeds on the reactions she gets when she does something wrong. Wanna know how to solve that problem? Stop giving her any sort of reaction. You could have avoided the scene at your shower by not responding to any of her texts.
To answer your question, no you cannot ask her to step down. There is no such thing as "asking her to step down". You will be kicking her out & ending your friendship.
I find it hard to believe you are all 28 years old, because this is extremely childish behavior.

julie650 · April 2013

All I can think of from people when they write things like "don't give her a reaction, she likes the reaction" or "you are allowing her to act this way" is that this is the same advice people get when their children are acting poorly. Why would anyone be friends with someone when they need to follow the behavior plan of a preschooler?? If you don't want to be friends anymore, get rid of her now and save everyone the trouble, including her. The reason for the etiquette is so that you don't ruin a friendship, but if you don't plan on being friends after the wedding than this rule is irrelevant. And she probably wanted to give this girl a chance since it sounds like she would've been the only one left out, which I'm sure you all would also suggest against since that can ALSO ruin a relationship...damned if you do, damned if you don't. Good luck!

PrettyGirlLost · April 2013

The PP's are spot on with their general advice on this entire situation.

However I wanted to bring something up regarding ordering BM dresses, as I see comments on this board a lot related to "The wedding is 5 months out, BMs don't need to order dresses."

Depending on where the BM dresses are coming from, they may have to order them now so that they arrive in time and can be altered if need be for a September wedding.

I'm in a wedding in October 2013 and the BM dresses are coming from David's Bridal. I ordered my dress at the begining of March because they told me it would not come in until June at the earliest, and if I am having my dress altered there (probably not becuase they are pricey with alterations) that tacks on another 6-8 weeks.

Maybe this is just a David's Bridal thing, but I have had this experience with multiple BM dresses from them.

Sierra524 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-from-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:48ddbd74-03db-4e18-bdde-31377c326b74Post:2875f199-4a7f-4bf2-81a4-ebd643a34dfb">Re: Bridesmaid from Hell</a>:
[QUOTE]The PP's are spot on with their general advice on this entire situation. However I wanted to bring something up regarding ordering BM dresses, as I see comments on this board a lot related to "The wedding is 5 months out, BMs don't need to order dresses." Depending on where the BM dresses are coming from, they may have to order them now so that they arrive in time and can be altered if need be for a September wedding. I'm in a wedding in October 2013 and the BM dresses are coming from David's Bridal. I ordered my dress at the begining of March because they told me it would not come in until June at the earliest, and if I am having my dress altered there (probably not becuase they are pricey with alterations) that tacks on another 6-8 weeks. Maybe this is just a David's Bridal thing, but I have had this experience with multiple BM dresses from them.
Posted by cmsciulli[/QUOTE]

Thats really crazy. All of my BMs ordered their dresses and they were in within a week. They were ordered from DB.

jenkehl · April 2013

Wow, you guys are really mean to each other on these boards! The bride was just asking for help, why would you respond if you are just going to bash her for what she has already done instead of offering advice? That would make me feel terrible if I was asking. These situations happen so often.

To the OP, I think just sit down with your friend and talk to her generally. Talk about her breakup and how's she's feeling etc, just a real heart to heart. I think by doing that you'll get a feel for whether to keep her in your wedding or not. It might not be worth the stress, or she might really want to be there for you and is just having a hard time doing so.

Sierra524 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-from-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:48ddbd74-03db-4e18-bdde-31377c326b74Post:72e41237-9857-4fa2-958c-f140005f0a95">Re: Bridesmaid from Hell</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, you guys are really mean to each other on these boards! The bride was just asking for help, why would you respond if you are just going to bash her for what she has already done instead of offering advice? That would make me feel terrible if I was asking. These situations happen so often. To the OP, I think just sit down with your friend and talk to her generally. Talk about her breakup and how's she's feeling etc, just a real heart to heart. I think by doing that you'll get a feel for whether to keep her in your wedding or not. It might not be worth the stress, or she might really want to be there for you and is just having a hard time doing so.
Posted by jenkehl[/QUOTE]

<div id="irc_mimg"><a id="irc_mil" style="border:0px none;" href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&docid=NALzWd9COnojYM&tbnid=P0-rAducpK_qfM:&ved=&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.tumblr.com%2Ftagged%2Fryan%2520reynolds%2520gif&ei=9zdjUffiKvDp0QGu9IHoAQ&bvm=bv.44770516,d.dmQ&psig=AFQjCNH0XbYLxpiiHKQD0aZlb-q-b9P2XQ&ust=1365543215589226" rel="nofollow"><img id="irc_mi" style="margin-top:90px;" src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0cd5uK6LD1rqfhi2o1_500.gif" alt="" width="500" height="213" /></a></div>
What?! Nobody was being mean & nobody bashed her. Please point out specific things you are talking about. We all offered her advice. Good advice at that.

jackiebrim · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-from-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:48ddbd74-03db-4e18-bdde-31377c326b74Post:582dbb21-b18a-49a1-979d-e5b0f118c6b3">Re: Bridesmaid from Hell</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid from Hell : Thats really crazy. All of my BMs ordered their dresses and they were in within a week. They were ordered from DB.
Posted by Sierra524[/QUOTE]

<div>I can vouch for her because my bridesmaids' dresses from DB have taken forever to come in. Two of them were ordered almost a month ago, and we were told they wouldn't be here until the end of May. That only gives six weeks for alterations!</div>

jackiebrim · April 2013

Honestly, I thought these boards were supposed to be helpful. All I see here is people picking apart the OP's mistakes and not even addressing the question at hand! Come on people!

Viczaesar · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-from-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:48ddbd74-03db-4e18-bdde-31377c326b74Post:d09b5dab-23ff-4b29-bdb5-4c58ad3253a4">Re: Bridesmaid from Hell</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, I thought these boards were supposed to be helpful. All I see here is people picking apart the OP's mistakes and not even addressing the question at hand! Come on people!
Posted by jackiebrim[/QUOTE]
Tons of people answered OP's question as well as gave her other insight into her situation. Maybe you should read again.

banana468 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-from-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:48ddbd74-03db-4e18-bdde-31377c326b74Post:d09b5dab-23ff-4b29-bdb5-4c58ad3253a4">Re: Bridesmaid from Hell</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, I thought these boards were supposed to be helpful. All I see here is people picking apart the OP's mistakes and not even addressing the question at hand! Come on people!
Posted by jackiebrim[/QUOTE]

These are public boards. When you ask a question here, you're going to get answers that you may not have expected but they will involve your situation.

Remember that the ladies here are advising on the big picture.

BTW, I'm the mod here thanks. There's no need for the 'come on people'!

PrettyGirlLost · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-from-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:48ddbd74-03db-4e18-bdde-31377c326b74Post:c6192023-aca3-4cbc-a749-d57079c479f3">Re: Bridesmaid from Hell</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid from Hell : This is a consultant trying to make her April quota. I have been a BM 9 times, 6 of them were DB dresses. None of them ever took more than 6 weeks to come in, and none of them ever needed to be altered except in instances where the bride wanted cap sleeves added or the hemline changed.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I don't know Stage, I don't think so. Like I said this has happened to me several times over the course of many years, and has happened to my sister a few times, and a few other friends. Even w/o needing alterations it took a while to get our dresses in. I usually need the bust taken in, but my mom sew and can normally do it.

Maybe we all just have bad luck at DB?

The only time I got a DB dress in a reasonable amount of time was when they had the color I needed in the size I needed on the rack!

ETA: Maybe it has something to do with the designers? This recent dress is one of the latest Vera Wangs. I'm not sure if others have expereinced long wait times for their Vera's.

steffieallen · April 2013

Wow. Yeah I will not be posting again, you guys can be some serious bullies. Thanks genuinely to those who sought to help, julie, jenkehl and jackie! To quell the rest of the curiousity, her boyfriend broke up with her in June, 2012, and she has a great job..--meanwhile I'm a law student, so, "daddy" stepping in isn't totally out of the question (peledreamwhatever) Anyway, thank you all for your input. Sorta surprised by the strong reaction, but I guess you get what you ask for

zitiqueen · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-from-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:48ddbd74-03db-4e18-bdde-31377c326b74Post:38a975f4-4e5e-4ccd-bf8d-5a534ac52aee">Re: Bridesmaid from Hell</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow. Yeah I will not be posting again, <strong>you guys can be some serious bullies.</strong> Thanks genuinely to those who sought to help, julie, jenkehl and jackie! To quell the rest of the curiousity, her boyfriend broke up with her in June, 2012, and she has a great job..--meanwhile I'm a law student, so, "daddy" stepping in isn't totally out of the question (peledreamwhatever) Anyway, thank you all for your input. Sorta surprised by the strong reaction, but I guess you get what you ask for
Posted by steffieallen[/QUOTE]

Oh man, you thought people here were bullies? I give you one month as a lawyer before you run out of the room crying because the other lawyer was mean to you.

And what the hell does being in law school have to do with daddy fighting your battles for you?

julie650 · April 2013

Lol..."this is a public forum, you're going to get advice for things you didn't ask for" is a favorite line/excuse on this board. They just love to throw it around to justify the way they act. You do get good ideas though if you stick around and just ignore the same group of people acting the same way they always do. You'll begin to recognize which ones you can expect to be a certain way and you can just end up laughing at the patterns. Either way, it's worth sticking around.

julie650 · April 2013

Actually you can just save yourself the trouble and check out their "holier than thou" stickies at the top of the board, they like to band together there

Viczaesar · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-from-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:48ddbd74-03db-4e18-bdde-31377c326b74Post:38a975f4-4e5e-4ccd-bf8d-5a534ac52aee">Re: Bridesmaid from Hell</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow. Yeah I will not be posting again, you guys can be some serious bullies. Thanks genuinely to those who sought to help, julie, jenkehl and jackie! To quell the rest of the curiousity, her boyfriend broke up with her in June, 2012, and she has a great job..--meanwhile I'm a law student, so, "daddy" stepping in isn't totally out of the question (peledreamwhatever) Anyway, thank you all for your input. Sorta surprised by the strong reaction, but I guess you get what you ask for
Posted by steffieallen[/QUOTE]
A. Look up the definition of bullying. This ain't it.
B. What on earth does being a law student have to do with your daddy stepping into your friendship squabbles? Are you giving yourself permission to be immature because you're still technically a student?

Weezy56 · April 2013

What does being in law school have to do with your dad being involved in your drama? Your posts are making you look very defensive and childish

banana468 · April 2013

In Response to Re:Bridesmaid from Hell:[QUOTE]Actually you can just save yourself the trouble and check out their "holier than thou" stickies at the top of the board, they like to band together there ; Posted by julie650[/QUOTE]

Is there an aspect of the stickies that you find incorrect? I'm rather curious as to what you think is "holier than thou" rather than sound advice.

banana468 · April 2013

In Response to Re:Bridesmaid from Hell:[QUOTE]Wow. nbsp;Yeah I will not be posting again, you guys can be some serious bullies. Thanks genuinely to those who sought to help, julie, jenkehl and jackie! nbsp;To quell the rest of the curiousity, her boyfriend broke up with her in June, 2012, and she has a great job..meanwhile I'm a law student, so, "daddy" stepping in isn't totally out of the question peledreamwhatever nbsp;Anyway, thank you all for your input. nbsp;Sorta surprised by the strong reaction, but I guess you get what you ask for Posted by steffieallen[/QUOTE]

I think "You get what you asked for," has been a theme of the posts.

steffieallen · April 2013

I'm in law school so he's paying for it. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ That's why he feels he gets an opinion on whether there are crying people running around. Also, I didn't ASK him to step in, he's a wonderful, involved father and when he saw his daughter having issues, he wanted to help. Keep twisting those words though. Can't help but notice the harshest critics have posted like, hundreds to thousands of times.

banana468 · April 2013

Interesting. I just learned that paying for your child's education entitles you to be a controlling, manipulative,helicopter parent. Oh, and if you post a lot you must give horrible advice. I'm going to write to Miss Manners now and tell her she's all used up because she writes too much.

Weezy56 · April 2013

Ditto banana and Retread

Sierra524 · April 2013

Julie...your post seem to be about how much you dislike the ladies on these boards. Why do you stick around if you really dont like these boards that much?

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