Confused Step Mother

BaffledMother · April 2013

I will be the first to admit I am not unbiased on these situations. I have no children, hence I have no "motherly instinct" --- my husband has 3 grown children and I am always at a loss to handle situations, but this one takes the cake so to speak.

His 40 year old daughter who is grown, married, divorced, 2 children, (one of which is with the current baby daddy) is finally going to marry him. She calls her father and asks him to pay for the wedding. A wedding to which it appears we are not even invited ?

Am I being completely insensitive thinking this is highly inappropriate for her to ask ?

misshart00 · April 2013

I need more information. Did she just randomly call one day and ask for money? How do you know you're not invited? Eta: It was rude for her to ask though.

MuppetFan · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_confused-step-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2936236e-048f-40aa-9465-538a0e2442e3Post:d845d38c-9bac-4f05-b88f-d8791c61a966">Confused Step Mother</a>:
[QUOTE]I will be the first to admit I am not unbiased on these situations. I have no children, hence I have no "motherly instinct" --- my husband has 3 grown children and I am always at a loss to handle situations, but this one takes the cake so to speak. His 40 year old daughter who is grown, married, divorced, 2 children, (one of which is with the current baby daddy) is finally going to marry him. <strong>She calls her father and asks him to pay for the wedding. A wedding to which it appears we are not even invited ? Am I being completely insensitive thinking this is highly inappropriate for her to ask ? </strong>
Posted by BaffledMother[/QUOTE]

She should not have asked. He has no obligation. I certainly wouldn't pay for a wedding I'm not invited to and would not offer a dime and would not give it a second thought.

ETA: I did have a conversation about money with my father when I first got married. Maybe it's not inappropriate to have the discussion. I will defer to others on that... I think it's rude to ask for money period.

lyndausvi · April 2013

He doesn't have to pay for the weddings. However, if he can afford and wants to then there is no reason why he can't. Key words are "wants and can afford to", no one should be guilted into paying for a wedding.

arendiva · April 2013

Just out of curiousity did he already pay for her first wedding? I mean it was rude for her to have asked either way. But I think it's even ruder if he has already paid for one wedding for her.

BaffledMother · April 2013

She called out of the clear blue and asked if he had extra money laying around to pay for the wedding. I will admit I am ASSUMING we aren't invited for two reasons.

A) she has extremely little to do with me. When her father sold his home and moved 100 miles to live in my home she threw a fit (literally) and told him he had abandoned them and

they are having the wedding out of town when they go on their annual vacation and haven't mentioned in any way us coming, getting a motel, etc ...... Maybe I am jumping the gun, but I would think if we were invited, she would have said we needed to make arrangements for travel.

He called me completely baffled and said he didn't know what to do and what would I do ? Well I was honestly speechless. I want to do the RIGHT thing by his children, but at the same time do not want to be used only when it's convenient. I sought out this forum so I could get some completely unbiased advice.

QueerFemme · April 2013

I don't see anything wrong with contributing to her wedding, if HE wants to. If he doesn't, then that's ok too. But, yes, it is rude of her to ask. And, I wouldn't automatically assume you weren't going to be invited.

bunni727 · April 2013

She is super rude for asking, but if he does have extra money and want to help with the wedding, I wouldn't stand in his way. Did he ask if you two would be invited? That's not usually something we recommend, but I think it's kind of necessary to make a decision.

If I wasn't invited, I wouldn't pay for the wedding itself. I do think I'd give a monetary gift as a wedding present, so they could upgrade their honeymoon or something.

MuppetFan · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_confused-step-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2936236e-048f-40aa-9465-538a0e2442e3Post:7701fb4f-dc23-41ab-ba26-524a80f24c7b">Re: Confused Step Mother</a>:
[QUOTE]She called out of the clear blue and asked if he had extra money laying around to pay for the wedding. I will admit I am ASSUMING we aren't invited for two reasons. A) she has extremely little to do with me. When her father sold his home and moved 100 miles to live in my home she threw a fit (literally) and told him he had abandoned them and B) they are having the wedding out of town when they go on their annual vacation and haven't mentioned in any way us coming, getting a motel, etc ...... Maybe I am jumping the gun, but I would think if we were invited, she would have said we needed to make arrangements for travel. He called me completely baffled and said he didn't know what to do and what would I do ? Well I was honestly speechless. I want to do the RIGHT thing by his children, but at the same time do not want to be used only when it's convenient. I sought out this forum so I could get some completely unbiased advice.
Posted by BaffledMother[/QUOTE]

I wouldn't assume you aren't invited.

I don't know when your husband moved or how old she was but I can see how she would feel negative about her father leaving. I'm not saying its appropriate to express them in the manner that she did or that she's entitled to have them if she were an adult at the time...but I understand her having them.

If I were you, I would have a discussion with your husband. What are you both willing to contribute, if anything? Would you attend this wedding, assuming you are invited? Are there stipulations to your gift? etc...etc...

Some options for you to consider aside for payin for the whole shindig:

Nothing.
Offer to pay for something such as the photographer or the cake....
A set dollar amount. $500.00 or $1,000....$5,000...whatever you are comfortable with
A different dollar amount if her intention was not to include you...

Then he should have a conversation with her having those things you discussed in the back of his head.

I think if it were my adult child, 2nd wedding in that situation and I could afford it, I might offer $1,000 or to pay for the cake as my wedding gift. If I'm not invited, I'd probably offer zilch in a generic wedding card.

winelover123 · April 2013

It would be nice if you/he contributed to the wedding, but it was pretty rude for your step daughter to call out of the blue and ask for money. It's completely up to you/him (depending on how your finances work). I wouldn't assume that you aren't invited though - your step daughter may just not be thinking about your travel arrangements or think it's obvious that you'll need to make some. Don't call her FI her "baby daddy" - that sounds pretty judgmental. He's her FI.

Kristin789 · April 2013

First of all, you are in the South where it is customary for the bride's father to pay for any and all weddings of his daughters. Sure, that's a stupid tradition, especially in this day and age when daughters get married and then remarried rather often, and when the second wedding is often more than just immediate family in the JOP courtroom followed by a small lunch at a nearby restaurant.

So I think he should meet with her and see what specifically she is doing. If she is planning for immediate family in the JOP courtoom followed by lunch for 20, he could offer to go to the restaurant when they are ready for the contracting, and have the restaurant draw up two contracts: one for stepfather to pay half of the total bill and one for the couple to pay for half of the total bill. If she is planning for a 200 person blowout dinner/dance, he could offer to pay for the cake and the band, or some other specific thing that he can contract for separately.

A friend of mine was complaining that she and her husband had to pay for his daughter's wedding especially since she was raised by her MOTHER, not her biodad. So here's what they did: each time the daughter was ready to make a decision, a meeting was set for all four parents - my friend and her husband (the biodad) and the biomom and biomom's new husband. Two separate contracts were drawn up, and each couple signed just one contract. And I'm talking that they did this for the reception venue, the flowers, the cake, the band - everything. In this way, my friend and her husband (the biodad) were legally protected to just pay THEIR HALF and they would not be legally liable for the OTHER HALF that was contracted and signed by the biomom and biomom's husband.

arendiva · April 2013

I vote not to give her money. If she is forty your husband is likely in his 60's. He would probably like to retire someday. She has already had one wedding (jury is still out on whether he helped with that one). Plus it was rude of her to ask. She is an adult and a parent herself. If you are old enough to start a family you are old enough to pay for your own party. Just sayin'.

jdblnn · April 2013

First off - I would not assume you're not invited. It sounds like they're still at the very early stages of planning. Meaning they may have not made any of those decisions yet. What her budget is may be big factor in deciding what type of wedding they will have and who will be invited. Obviously, I am not familar with the dynamics of your family, but I never formally invited any of our family members to our wedding. It went unsaid. She may be thinking the same thing. Unless you hear specifically otherwise, I would assume you are invited.

Second - asking her father to pay for the wedding was extremely rude. But whether or not he should really depends on their relationship, and whether this is something he wants to do for her and her family. Regardless of her situation, asking or expecting your parents to contribute to your wedding isn't exactly unheard of. I'm not saying its the best form to call him and ask him to do it. But it's not crazy that the thought crossed her mind. It seems like the approached the situation the wrong way. Moreover, it seems like she only called to see if he wanted to contribute, not necessarily pay for the entire thing. If she really said "do you have any extra money lying around," it doesn't sound like she is demanding he pay for the entire event.

Finally - it sounds like you have some resentment towards her for her reaction to your relationship, and that is fueling your reaction. Weddings, even second weddings, are a very exciting event for all family members. Maybe this could be a unique opportunity to help bridge any gaps between the two of you. Offer to help with DIY projects, dress shop, ect... This might give you some common ground.

Good luck!

kmbryant2413 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_confused-step-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2936236e-048f-40aa-9465-538a0e2442e3Post:a849bb3b-0ed9-4a93-937c-fdae2c45d921">Re: Confused Step Mother</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>First of all, you are in the South where it is customary for the bride's father to pay for any and all weddings of his daughters. </strong> Sure, that's a stupid tradition, especially in this day and age when daughters get married and then remarried rather often, and when the second wedding is often more than just immediate family in the JOP courtroom followed by a small lunch at a nearby restaurant. So I think he should meet with her and see what specifically she is doing. If she is planning for immediate family in the JOP courtoom followed by lunch for 20, he could offer to go to the restaurant when they are ready for the contracting, and have the restaurant draw up two contracts: one for stepfather to pay half of the total bill and one for the couple to pay for half of the total bill. If she is planning for a 200 person blowout dinner/dance, he could offer to pay for the cake and the band, or some other specific thing that he can contract for separately. A friend of mine was complaining that she and her husband had to pay for his daughter's wedding especially since she was raised by her MOTHER, not her biodad. So here's what they did: each time the daughter was ready to make a decision, a meeting was set for all four parents - my friend and her husband (the biodad) and the biomom and biomom's new husband. Two separate contracts were drawn up, and each couple signed just one contract. And I'm talking that they did this for the reception venue, the flowers, the cake, the band - everything. In this way, my friend and her husband (the biodad) were legally protected to just pay THEIR HALF and they would not be legally liable for the OTHER HALF that was contracted and signed by the biomom and biomom's husband.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>First bold: Uh, no it's not. I have never heard of that, tradition or not. Those 'traditions' have gone out the window all over the country a long time ago.</div><div>
</div><div>Why must he offer to pay for anything? She straight out asked for money. I am in no way judging her for getting married again, but asking for money is rude, no matter how it is done, or who does it.

</div>

Viczaesar · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_confused-step-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2936236e-048f-40aa-9465-538a0e2442e3Post:7701fb4f-dc23-41ab-ba26-524a80f24c7b">Re: Confused Step Mother</a>:
[QUOTE]She called out of the clear blue and asked if he had extra money laying around to pay for the wedding. I will admit I am ASSUMING we aren't invited for two reasons. A) she has extremely little to do with me. When her father sold his home and moved 100 miles to live in my home she threw a fit (literally) and told him he had abandoned them and B) they are having the wedding out of town when they go on their annual vacation and haven't mentioned in any way us coming, getting a motel, etc ...... Maybe I am jumping the gun, but I would think if we were invited, she would have said we needed to make arrangements for travel. He called me completely baffled and said he didn't know what to do and what would I do ? Well I was honestly speechless. I want to do the RIGHT thing by his children, but at the same time do not want to be used only when it's convenient. I sought out this forum so I could get some completely unbiased advice.
Posted by BaffledMother[/QUOTE]
Neither of those things is a reason to assume (and you know what they say about people who assume) that you're not invited.

Viczaesar · April 2013

Ignore Kristin#s, OP, she's stuck in 1952 in an idealized world that never really existed.

kmbryant2413 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_confused-step-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2936236e-048f-40aa-9465-538a0e2442e3Post:54474978-bda6-42c8-a902-476ee768934f">Re: Confused Step Mother</a>:
[QUOTE]Ignore Kristin#s, OP, she's stuck in 1952 in an idealized world that never really existed.
Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]

<div>As soon as I read your reply I smacked myself in the forehead for not catching that. I'm an idiot.</div>

Viczaesar · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_confused-step-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2936236e-048f-40aa-9465-538a0e2442e3Post:ad956592-46cf-4cbe-ba09-556e0abb468a">Re: Confused Step Mother</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Confused Step Mother : As soon as I read your reply I smacked myself in the forehead for not catching that. I'm an idiot.
Posted by kmbryant2413[/QUOTE]
Been there. It's easy to get caught up in the crazy and not realize who slung it.

MuppetFan · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_confused-step-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2936236e-048f-40aa-9465-538a0e2442e3Post:a849bb3b-0ed9-4a93-937c-fdae2c45d921">Re: Confused Step Mother</a>:
[QUOTE]First of all, you are in the South where it is customary for the bride's father to pay for any and all weddings of his daughters. Sure, that's a stupid tradition, especially in this day and age when daughters get married and then remarried rather often, and when the second wedding is often more than just immediate family in the JOP courtroom followed by a small lunch at a nearby restaurant. So I think he should meet with her and see what specifically she is doing. If she is planning for immediate family in the JOP courtoom followed by lunch for 20, he could offer to go to the restaurant when they are ready for the contracting, and have the restaurant draw up two contracts: one for stepfather to pay half of the total bill and one for the couple to pay for half of the total bill. If she is planning for a 200 person blowout dinner/dance, he could offer to pay for the cake and the band, or some other specific thing that he can contract for separately.<strong> A friend of mine was complaining that she and her husband had to pay for his daughter's wedding especially since she was raised by her MOTHER, not her biodad. So here's what they did: each time the daughter was ready to make a decision, a meeting was set for all four parents - my friend and her husband (the biodad) and the biomom and biomom's new husband. Two separate contracts were drawn up, and each couple signed just one contract. And I'm talking that they did this for the reception venue, the flowers, the cake, the band - everything. In this way, my friend and her husband (the biodad) were legally protected to just pay THEIR HALF and they would not be legally liable for the OTHER HALF that was contracted and signed by the biomom and biomom's husband.</strong>
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

I do not understand the significance of this anecdote to the question at hand.

lyndausvi · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_confused-step-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2936236e-048f-40aa-9465-538a0e2442e3Post:d00b9176-1ce9-49a9-b14b-3b11b7090893">Re: Confused Step Mother</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Confused Step Mother : I do not understand the significance of this anecdote to the question at hand.
Posted by MuppetFan[/QUOTE]

<div>Kristin is good at posting like that. I find it entertaining. I want to see a venue roll out 1/2 a cake and only half CP because one half of the contract was not paid.</div>

Kate61487 · April 2013

I don't know about you, but I always have extra money lying around that I didn't have any plans for... /sarcasm

OP sit down and talk with your H. It was rude of daughter to ask, but I wouldn't let that impact your decision *too* much. Decide how much, if any you're willing to give and how much, if any input you want on the details. If you don't care about input write her a check for $x and give it as a wedding gift pre-wedding. If you want input offer to pay for something specific as PPs have suggested.

BaffledMother · April 2013

To answer some of the above questions:

He paid a minimal amount of first wedding. She was 9 months pregnant with the first child when she decided to get married and got married at his house. There were minimal expenses but he did provide location and some money.

As for her age when he moved to my house, I don't know the exact age, but she was over 30 when he moved to my home and was accused of abandoning them. I don't think it was an abandonment issue as much as a convenience issue. He was no longer local to borrow money from or have a baby sitter on hand at all times. (This is my opinion only but based on things he has told me)

I guess one other reason I assume we (at least me) aren't invited is none of his children have EVER (NOT ONCE) been to our home to visit us even though they have been repeatedly invited. I am referred to as "that woman" and he was specifically told they wanted nothing to do with me. That being said, I never fail to ask if I can bake or do anything to help with any and all of the grandchildren's birthdays. I can without any hesitation say I have bent over backwards to develop a friendship with his children and have repeatedly been "slapped in the proverbial face" ---

As for calling the father "baby daddy" it was a very poor choice of words on my part and I have never referred to him that way before. He is actually a really nice man that is quite a bit older than her, has never been married, has his own business and his own very nice home.

As for standing in his way if he WANTED to pay , I wouldn't do that. However, he came to me seeking advice on what to do because he feels trapped and obligated that if he doesn't, he is a "bad father" --- I actually spend much more on his children for birthdays and Christmas than he does. To be completely honest, he is fed up with the way they treat me and he has somewhat distanced himself from them.

I never wanted children and made it really clear I had no motherly designs on his. I would like to have an amicable relationship with them for his sake. But as time goes on, it seems that is less and less likely to happen. I have seen him hurt so many times over this issue. I don't even want to give him my opinion. If this seems rather lengthy and over informative it's because I am not going to give my opinion one way or the other. I am trying to be completely honest and informative with you guys and I am going to let him read this message board and form his own opinion from what other, completely unbiased people say.

BostonGIrl4732 · April 2013

How long before the bride shows up asking if she has to invite "that woman" to her wedding?

Viczaesar · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_confused-step-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2936236e-048f-40aa-9465-538a0e2442e3Post:75ed53a8-f788-4454-af75-7b15a8278ede">Re: Confused Step Mother</a>:
[QUOTE]To answer some of the above questions: He paid a minimal amount of first wedding. She was 9 months pregnant with the first child when she decided to get married and got married at his house. There were minimal expenses but he did provide location and some money. As for her age when he moved to my house, I don't know the exact age, but she was over 30 when he moved to my home and was accused of abandoning them. I don't think it was an abandonment issue as much as a convenience issue. He was no longer local to borrow money from or have a baby sitter on hand at all times. (This is my opinion only but based on things he has told me)<strong> I guess one other reason I assume we (at least me) aren't invited is none of his children have EVER (NOT ONCE) been to our home to visit us even though they have been repeatedly invited. </strong> I am referred to as "that woman" and he was specifically told they wanted nothing to do with me. That being said, I never fail to ask if I can bake or do anything to help with any and all of the grandchildren's birthdays. I can without any hesitation say I have bent over backwards to develop a friendship with his children and have repeatedly been "slapped in the proverbial face" --- As for calling the father "baby daddy" it was a very poor choice of words on my part and I have never referred to him that way before. He is actually a really nice man that is quite a bit older than her, has never been married, has his own business and his own very nice home. As for standing in his way if he WANTED to pay , I wouldn't do that. However, he came to me seeking advice on what to do because he feels trapped and obligated that if he doesn't, he is a "bad father" --- I actually spend much more on his children for birthdays and Christmas than he does. To be completely honest, he is fed up with the way they treat me and he has somewhat distanced himself from them. I never wanted children and made it really clear I had no motherly designs on his. I would like to have an amicable relationship with them for his sake. But as time goes on, it seems that is less and less likely to happen. I have seen him hurt so many times over this issue. I don't even want to give him my opinion. If this seems rather lengthy and over informative it's because I am not going to give my opinion one way or the other. I am trying to be completely honest and informative with you guys and I am going to let him read this message board and form his own opinion from what other, completely unbiased people say.
Posted by BaffledMother[/QUOTE]
This also says absolutely nothing about whether or not you will be invited to the wedding.

AddieCake · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_confused-step-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2936236e-048f-40aa-9465-538a0e2442e3Post:6767ef13-0b26-409b-8137-d99d9df32aac">Re: Confused Step Mother</a>:
[QUOTE]How long before the bride shows up asking if she has to invite "that woman" to her wedding?
Posted by BostonGIrl4732[/QUOTE]
Tee hee!

AroundTheBlock · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_confused-step-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2936236e-048f-40aa-9465-538a0e2442e3Post:d845d38c-9bac-4f05-b88f-d8791c61a966">Confused Step Mother</a>:
[QUOTE]...She calls her father and asks him to pay for the wedding.... Am I being completely insensitive thinking this is highly inappropriate for her to ask ?
Posted by BaffledMother[/QUOTE]

It is always inappropriate for an independent adult to presume to know how another adult should spend his money. But even if she were not an independent adult and even if her father wanted to indulge her with a pretty second wedding-reception, the tradition of the father's paying for the party goes along with the tradition of the father's wife <strong><em>hosting</em></strong> the party. "Hosting" means a great deal more than just paying: it means making all the decisions and taking all the responsibility for the guests' comfort, safety and entertainment.

And that, of course, is something that you with the full support of your husband, would have to <strong><em>offer</em>. </strong>Given the woman's past treatment of you, that could be quite amusing. <em>You</em> contact her in response to her conversation with her dad, and say something like "Felicitations on your engagement! How nice! I would be delighted to hold a reception for you following your ceremony. Let <u>me</u> know if you want me to do that for you! Your dad and I can afford to give you quite a lovely party." Note that you are kindly offering <em>the party</em> -- not the money. She can still get what she wants, but only if she condescends to negotiate sweetly with you. Chances are that, in the end, it will cost you nothing to make the offer, but you will still have done the traditionally proper thing and, if you have my twisted sense of humour, you will also get to enjoy the situation.

BaffledMother · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_confused-step-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2936236e-048f-40aa-9465-538a0e2442e3Post:10f9cbce-b714-4d73-9617-cc05f5d4a07e">Re: Confused Step Mother</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Confused Step Mother : This also says absolutely nothing about whether or not you will be invited to the wedding.
Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]

I have made it very clear this is a complete ASSUMPTION on my part. And yes, I know about assuming.

But as to date, I have not been invited. In fact, I have not even been told she got engaged, was given a ring, shown the ring or anything else. That happened months ago.

Don't get me wrong, I am far from perfect and have made many mistakes in this journey. That is the main reason I am asking for advice from unknowns in this matter. Whether we wanted to or not, or whether we could afford to or not, if the general consensus is that we SHOULD pay, then I am all about doing the right thing and we would work it out one way or another.

button6004 · April 2013

It certainly was rude, but I think you are overreacting/overthinking this a little bit because of your feelings towards her.

If you and your husband dont want to contribute, you arent obligated to do so. Rather than come online and ask if it was rude (when you must already know it is), just tell her no and move on.

melb2013 · April 2013

I didn't read through all of this, so I apoligize if I'm being redundant.

OP, my mother is a step mother to two sons who have always treated her very unkindly even though she has been their step mother since they were 6 and 7 years old, so I can sympathize with your situation. It's an unfortunate reality, but children are the ones who suffer in a divorce and sometimes they have difficulty recovering. I don't know the particulars of your situation, but I understand how difficult it is to be a step parent when you constantly feel like the outsider and the bad guy.

There is no right or wrong answer to this. Yes, she was rude to ask for money, but what's done is done. Now you and your husband need to sit down and decide if you want to contribute anything. This is not something a group of people on the internet can decide for you.

I think it's wonderful when parents want to help with a wedding, but personally, I would never contribute to my child's second wedding. I would certainly contribute to a first wedding, but if there was a second, I would feel that my contribution was done. I would probably give them a nice wedding present and be done. I have never known a single parent who contributed to their child's second wedding. They are hardly children anymore having been through divorce and children already- they should handle this wedding themselves. That is my personal opinion on the matter.

Kate61487 · April 2013

OP - he's not a "bad father" if he doesn't pay. I don't have children, but I imagine I'd have a very hard time being generous to someone who's not at all gracious or appreciative. But this really is his call, does he WANT to give her money? if the answer is no he should not feel bad about that. If he wants to tell her that the reason he's not helping is because he's tired of the way she and her siblings treat you that's up to him as well.

melb2013 · April 2013

And I want to add that I disagree with everyone who is saying that this is the husband's call. It is OP and her husband's call. They are married, they make decisions regarding their money together. Just because this is his child, does not mean that he makes the decision alone.

Confused Step Mother

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