Marriage First, Wedding After

LittleGiraffe826 · April 2013

My FH and I are getting married overseas (UK) in June at a very simple civil ceremony with no family as we're both from different countries. We are planning to have the full wedding in Canada in September-ish 2014.

My question is this - how and what do we tell our families? My family knows our plans, but do I need to send anything to other family members telling them that we're married, but will be having the wedding next fall? I'm afraid people will be offended that they didn't know beforehand or if they have to hear it from someone else....

Completely lost! Any help would be greatly appreciated!

ridedatbike · April 2013

Im going to warn you open this may not go over well. Please lurk a little. But yes these ladies will advise you to tell everyone.

LittleGiraffe826 · April 2013

I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was stepping on anyone's toes...

When I say we're having our "wedding" later I mean a the full day - white dress etc. My Mom is ill and is no longer able to travel. Its extremely important to her to see me walk down the isle with my Dad - that's part of the reason we're doing it this way.

I was just wondering how to tell everyone that yes, we had a civil ceremony, but a more religious ceremony with our own vows will follow.

Again, apologies for stepping on anyone's toes... just looking for some help.

QueerFemme · April 2013

In Response to Re:Marriage First, Wedding After:I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was stepping on anyone's toes...When I say we're having our "wedding" later I mean a the full day white dress etc. My Mom is ill and is no longer able to travel. Its extremely important to her to see me walk down the isle with my Dad nbsp; that's part of the reason we're doing it this way.I was just wondering how to tell everyone that yes, we had a civil ceremony, but a more religious ceremony with our own vows will follow.Again, apologies for stepping on anyone's toes... just looking for some help. Posted by LittleGiraffe826 Why can't you have your wedding how you want it in the first place? Why even the civil ceremony first? I understand your mom wants to see you walk down the aisle, and if that is important, you could do the big white dress, big wedding sooner or just skip the civil ceremony and wait to get married until you were ready for the big wedding. Fake wedding do overs are rude.

Viczaesar · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_marriage-first-wedding-after?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:987e3e6d-a336-40e5-a938-52ebe0c7e328Post:5bee8f67-d939-41ec-b1b9-cb6e968da2cf">Re: Marriage First, Wedding After</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was stepping on anyone's toes... When I say we're having our "wedding" later I mean a the full day - white dress etc. My Mom is ill and is no longer able to travel. Its extremely important to her to see me walk down the isle with my Dad - that's part of the reason we're doing it this way. I was just wondering how to tell everyone that yes, we had a civil ceremony, but a more religious ceremony with our own vows will follow. Again, apologies for stepping on anyone's toes... just looking for some help.
Posted by LittleGiraffe826[/QUOTE]
Then you should wait and actually get married at that ceremony in Canada. You cannot have a wedding when you're already married, period.

weddingmuse · April 2013

The reason you are struggling with how to tell your families about your upcoming wedding and year-later reenactment is that there simply isn't a polite way to do this without offending at least some people.

The normal way to announce a wedding to people who haven't been invited to it is to send announcements right away, ideally the next day. You wouldn't mention anything about a do-over party taking place more than a year later. You could spread this by word-of-mouth I suppose. Then you'd send invitations to your Sept 2014 event, but of course you'd already be married and everyone knows it so what would you call that event? And I can guarantee that there will be people who will find this extremely rude if you call it a wedding, who will at best side-eye the whole thing, and at worse will not come.

If it's that important that you honor your mother's wishes by having a big wedding, then I suggest you do that. Why don't you get married in Canada in Sept 2014, instead of just pretending to?

perfectisboring · April 2013

My partner and I are in a very similar situation. The UK Border Agency is super strict and you cannot stay in the country unless you are a highly skilled worker (doctor, engineer, etc), married to a UK citizen or your parents/grandparent have UK passports.

My FH and I were had been talking about marriage since January but we wanted to wait about a year or so (until we have the money to invite all of our family members and are really, truly ready to take the leap). However, if we don't marry before July, I have to ship out. We have pretty complicated work situations, so we can't wait a year to get married in Canada. If we do, we (namely me) will never be able to come back here and work (unless I become a doctor).

So, what we are doing is having a civil ceremony in May with under ten guests - my parents, his parents, some friends. It's very low-key because of the nature of the situation. We scaled back a lot - city hall wedding, a small meal afterwards, a short dress (I'm reluctantly cutting my long dress - a super sweet ebay find), nothing really big or fancy.

I learned on The Knot that it's rude to have a second 'wedding', and I wanted to think my case was an exception because the UKBA has kind of cornered us, but nope. I was always going to tell my extended family shortly before or after our marriage - but instead of having a second ceremony, I think we're just going to have a 'We're Married' party later down the line.

I'm sure your family will understand that you couldn't have a big ceremony and invite everyone. So, I would make a few phone calls and tell your family that you are getting married this year, and just explain the situation. I wouldn't not tell anyone - because gossip spreads so quickly. They will find out and their feelings will be hurt that you didn't tell them yourself. I'm sure they'll just be happy to know you're married.

As for what to do in 2014, maybe do a vow renewal instead of a reenactment wedding? It's customary to have them after a milestone anniversary or difficut time in the marriage, but it might be a good compromise for your situation. Maybe. I don't know. I don't want to get flamed for suggesting it, haha.

Lowell14 · April 2013

This may fall more under the immigration side instead of wedding help: With the UKBA, Have you and your partner been together (living together) for 2 or more years? the reason i ask is that you would be able to apply for an unmarried partner visa thus allowing you to have the wedding you would like next year. I feel your pain about the UKBA. Spent 6 months back and forth with them while trying to apply for my European Residency card...

If the visa i mentioned is not an option, maybe the vow renewal may be a better option for 2014. Good luck!

zantster · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_marriage-first-wedding-after?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:987e3e6d-a336-40e5-a938-52ebe0c7e328Post:d2bb9f25-77fa-4a01-b0c9-a64817bc4f0e">Marriage First, Wedding After</a>:
[QUOTE]My FH and I are getting married overseas (UK) in June at a very simple civil ceremony with no family as we're both from different countries. We are planning to have the full wedding in Canada in September-ish 2014. My question is this - how and what do we tell our families? My family knows our plans, but do I need to send anything to other family members telling them that we're married, but will be having the wedding next fall? I'm afraid people will be offended that they didn't know beforehand or if they have to hear it from someone else.... Completely lost! Any help would be greatly appreciated!
Posted by LittleGiraffe826[/QUOTE]
Perfectisboring and leahjwatts have given you excellent advice. Listen to them and other PPs who are truly trying to be helpful and not just criticize. It seems like your heart is in the right place. But I sincerely believe that if you did not truly want the full wedding and not just the civil ceremony you would not be asking for how to make both happen. But the fact of the matter is you cannot have both. Once you are pronounced husband and wife by the civil servant no matter how many fancy decorations you use and pretty dresses you put on, it can never and will never feel like the first time. Your guests will also not be able to pretend that you are truly walking down the aisle for the first time. Not telling people would be like admitting you are ashamed about what you did or believe your civil ceremony choice was somehow inferior. My FI is English as well. So I get it. Check into other ways to wait to have your official wedding with your mother there. That is the best way to ensure you will have no regrets or awkward feelings about trying to turn back the hands of time for one day over a year later.

libby2483 · April 2013

It is only possible to get married once. Your civil ceremony will be your wedding. I'm sorry that there are difficult circumstances surrounding your marriage, but it is only possible to get married once and have one wedding. I would recommend that you wait and just have one wedding. Or, have the civil ceremony, and then have an awesome party in Canada a year later. However, at this party, you shouldn't have a re-do ceremony; you should just celebrate your marriage.

daveANDkristen · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_marriage-first-wedding-after?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:987e3e6d-a336-40e5-a938-52ebe0c7e328Post:5bee8f67-d939-41ec-b1b9-cb6e968da2cf">Re: Marriage First, Wedding After</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was stepping on anyone's toes... When I say we're having our "wedding" later I mean a the full day - white dress etc. My Mom is ill and is no longer able to travel. Its extremely important to her to see me walk down the isle with my Dad - that's part of the reason we're doing it this way. I was just wondering how to tell everyone that yes, we had a civil ceremony, but a more religious ceremony with our own vows will follow. Again, apologies for stepping on anyone's toes... just looking for some help.
Posted by LittleGiraffe826[/QUOTE]

You're not "stepping on anyone's toes"... if it's important that you get married in your mom's town then why are you getting married overseas? It doesn't really add up. It sounds like you don't want to wait to get married but are trying to have a do-over wedding as a consolation for your mom. Just wait to get married until September 2014 and you won't have to worry about how to break it to your guests.

Or, if you are set on getting married in July, you could plan a party and call it a "celebration of our recent marriage". However, IMO it would be a little strange to have that party over a year later. Why not get married in June and have an AHR (at-home "reception") after you return to the states?

MoonlightSilver · April 2013

I'm not familiar with the procedures for marraiges in the UK. I have heard in some European countries that the religious ceremony is a completely different affair than the civil signing which the government recognizes. Is this the same in the UK?

MoonlightSilver · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_marriage-first-wedding-after?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:987e3e6d-a336-40e5-a938-52ebe0c7e328Post:5e25a65e-132e-4917-8618-4cbf01bcb5f4">Re: Marriage First, Wedding After</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Marriage First, Wedding After : Not exactly. Only the Church of England and the Church of Wales are granted automatic ability to perform a legally binding ceremony based on being a church. However, you can have a Registrar attend the ceremony as a witness then file the paperwork. I believe (though I cannot swear to it) the majority of UK marriages have ONE ceremony and do this.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>Ah, thank you. </div><div>
</div><div>OP, given the above information, I'm with the other posters. Why not just have your ceremony in Canada and be done with it?</div>

colleengilhooly · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_marriage-first-wedding-after?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:987e3e6d-a336-40e5-a938-52ebe0c7e328Post:15d68eca-ea07-46f8-9f80-99ed3f39419b">Re: Marriage First, Wedding After</a>:
[QUOTE]My partner and I are in a very similar situation. The UK Border Agency is super strict and you cannot stay in the country unless you are a highly skilled worker (doctor, engineer, etc), married to a UK citizen or your parents/grandparent have UK passports. My FH and I were had been talking about marriage since January but we wanted to wait about a year or so (until we have the money to invite all of our family members and are really, truly ready to take the leap). However, if we don't marry before July, I have to ship out. We have pretty complicated work situations, so we can't wait a year to get married in Canada. If we do, we (namely me) will never be able to come back here and work (unless I become a doctor). So,<strong> what we are doing is having a civil ceremony in May with under ten guests - my parents, his parents, some friends</strong>. It's very low-key because of the nature of the situation. We scaled back a lot - city hall wedding, a small meal afterwards, a short dress (I'm reluctantly cutting my long dress - a super sweet ebay find), nothing really big or fancy. I learned on The Knot that it's rude to have a second 'wedding', and I wanted to think my case was an exception because the UKBA has kind of cornered us, but nope. I was always going to tell my extended family shortly before or after our marriage - but instead of having a second ceremony, I think we're just going to have a 'We're Married' party later down the line. I'm sure your family will understand that you couldn't have a big ceremony and invite everyone. So, I would make a few phone calls and tell your family that you are getting married this year, and just explain the situation. I wouldn't not tell anyone - because gossip spreads so quickly. They will find out and their feelings will be hurt that you didn't tell them yourself. I'm sure they'll just be happy to know you're married. As for what to do in 2014, maybe do a vow renewal instead of a reenactment wedding? It's customary to have them after a milestone anniversary or difficut time in the marriage, but it might be a good compromise for your situation. Maybe. I don't know. I don't want to get flamed for suggesting it, haha.
Posted by perfectisboring[/QUOTE]

I thought you were having the "wedding" in Canada later because your mom is too sick to travel? If she is going to be in the UK when you get married, then isn't she getting to see your wedding day? I'm confused.

misshart00 · April 2013

In Response to Re:Marriage First, Wedding After:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Marriage First, Wedding After:My partner and I are in a very similar situation. The UK Border Agency is super strict and you cannot stay in the country unless you are a highly skilled worker doctor, engineer, etc, married to a UK citizen or your parents/grandparent have UK passports. My FH and I were had been talking about marriage since January but we wanted to wait about a year or so until we have the money to invite all of our family members and are really, truly ready to take the leap. However, if we don't marry before July, I have to ship out. We have pretty complicated work situations, so we can't wait a year to get married in Canada. If we do, we namely me will never be able to come back here and work unless I become a doctor. So, what we are doing is having a civil ceremony in May with under ten guests my parents, his parents, some friends. It's very lowkey because of the nature of the situation. We scaled back a lot city hall wedding, a small meal afterwards, a short dress I'm reluctantly cutting my long dress a super sweet ebay find, nothing really big or fancy. I learned on The Knot that it's rude to have a second 'wedding', and I wanted to think my case was an exception because the UKBA has kind of cornered us, but nope. I was always going to tell my extended family shortly before or after our marriage but instead of having a second ceremony, I think we're just going to have a 'We're Married' party later down the line. I'm sure your family will understand that you couldn't have a big ceremony and invite everyone. So, I would make a few phone calls and tell your family that you are getting married this year, and just explain the situation. I wouldn't not tell anyone because gossip spreads so quickly. They will find out and their feelings will be hurt that you didn't tell them yourself. I'm sure they'll just be happy to know you're married. As for what to do in 2014, maybe do a vow renewal instead of a reenactment wedding? It's customary to have them after a milestone anniversary or difficut time in the marriage, but it might be a good compromise for your situation. Maybe. I don't know. I don't want to get flamed for suggesting it, haha.Posted by perfectisboringI thought you were having the "wedding" in Canada later because your mom is too sick to travel? If she is going to be in the UK when you get married, then isn't she getting to see your wedding day? I'm confused. Posted by colleengilhooly[/QUOTE]

Perfectisboring is not the OP. She was just giving advice as to what she's going to do.

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