Asking parent's for financial help

ecrowe1218 · May 2013

My FI & I were discussing our wedding and budget. Unfortunately, we can only afford like a 10K wedding and that seems next to impossible in the city of Phila. We were considering asking both sets of parents for 5K each.

The issue I am having is how to approach them? We do not like asking for things from people especially that amount of money. I was joking with my mom the other day and said well since the bride's parents are supposed to pay for the wedding, how about giving us a some towards it...but we all laughed about it.

I know I need to get serious and ask them but I just don't know how to approach it.

ETA: I am looking for opinions - if you approach me in a rude manner, I will NOT respond. Sorry if I don't respond to each & every one of you but it could be that your suggestion was already made and I responded in a previous post. I am not trying to be rude but I am taking everything into consideration. Thanks!

thejucheidea · May 2013

No.

misshart00 · May 2013

It's considered rude to ask anyone to help pay for your wedding. Have you considered a wedding during a non meal time and serving lighter foods that may not cost as much? That could make your budget go further.

Miss Esa · May 2013

Its very rude to ask for money. Just plan a wedding that you can afford.

misssunshine17 · May 2013

If you're adult enough to get married, you're adult enough to pay for it yourself.

Have a small wedding or wait until you can afford it yourself. These are you only options. You cannot ask your parents for money without coming off immature and self absorbed.

OliveOilsMom · May 2013

In Response to Asking parent's for financial help:
[QUOTE]My FI & I were discussing our wedding and budget. Unfortunately, we can only afford like a 10K wedding and that seems next to impossible in the city of Phila. We were considering asking both sets of parents for 5K each. The issue I am having is how to approach them? We do not like asking for things from people especially that amount of money. I was joking with my mom the other day and said well since the bride's parents are supposed to pay for the wedding, how about giving us a some towards it...but we all laughed about it. I know I need to get serious and ask them but I just don't know how to approach it.
Posted by ecrowe1218[/QUOTE]

You cannot ask for money. If your parents or FI's parents offer, than that's great. But many couples pay for their own wedding now, without help from their parents.

Can you delay your wedding until you can save up more? Try looking at reception halls outside of Philly, this will probably help you save money right off the bat. Cut your guest list to those you can afford to host properly. Have you wedding at a non-meal time, think 8 pm ceremony, then appetizers and desserts for your food options.

soontobehanby · May 2013

You may not have the extravagant wedding you want, but you can have a wedding for 10k. Check out the budget boards for ideas or use the budget tool on the knot to divide your money. Helped me and FI a lot

wittykitty14 · May 2013

In Response to Re: Asking parent's for financial help:
[QUOTE]If you're adult enough to get married, you're adult enough to pay for it yourself. Have a small wedding or wait until you can afford it yourself. These are you only options. You cannot ask your parents for money without coming off immature and self absorbed.
Posted by misssunshine17[/QUOTE]

This

antibride2013 · May 2013

In Response to Asking parent's for financial help:
[QUOTE]My FI & I were discussing our wedding and budget. Unfortunately, we can only afford like a 10K wedding and that seems next to impossible in the city of Phila. We were considering asking both sets of parents for 5K each. The issue I am having is how to approach them? We do not like asking for things from people especially that amount of money. I was joking with my mom the other day and said well since the bride's parents are supposed to pay for the wedding, how about giving us a some towards it...but we all laughed about it. I know I need to get serious and ask them but I just don't know how to approach it.
Posted by ecrowe1218[/QUOTE]

It is FI and your responsibility to pay for your wedding, no one else. Either scale back you plans, or push your date back to save more, but do not ask your parents for money. EVER.

Gosh I still am baffled on why so many adult couples actually want their parents to pay for their party. I mean really?

ETA: spelling

ohmrs2014 · May 2013

In Response to Re: Asking parent's for financial help:
[QUOTE]In Response to Asking parent's for financial help : You cannot ask for money. If your parents or FI's parents offer, than that's great. But many couples pay for their own wedding now, without help from their parents. Can you delay your wedding until you can save up more? Try looking at reception halls outside of Philly, this will probably help you save money right off the bat. Cut your guest list to those you can afford to host properly. Have you wedding at a non-meal time, think 8 pm ceremony, then appetizers and desserts for your food options.
Posted by OliveOilsMom[/QUOTE]

This. FI and I will actually be engaged for over 2 years when we tie the knot. We did this because we wanted to be able to afford the wedding we wanted and be able to host our guests properly.

Simply Fated · May 2013

The fact that your mom laughed about it, instead of offering to help pay, is your answer.

antibride2013 · May 2013

In Response to Re:Asking parent's for financial help:
[QUOTE]The fact that your mom laughed about it, instead of offering to help pay, is your answer.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

THIS

lyndausvi · May 2013

In Response to Re: Asking parent's for financial help:
[QUOTE]In Response to Asking parent's for financial help : It is FI and your responsibility to pay for your wedding, no one else. Either scale back you plans, or push your date back to save more, but do not ask your parents for money. EVER. Gosh I still am baffled on why so many adult couples actually want their parents to pay for their party. I mean really? ETA: spelling
Posted by antibride2013[/QUOTE]

Well some parents OFFER to host a party for their kids. My parents did and we happily accepted (got a better HM because of it). However, had they not offered there is no way in hell we would have asked for help, let alone ask for a specific number. We would have just paid for the wedding ourselves (and not had as a luxurious HM, NBD)

ETA - we paid for our HM. So some of the money we used for the HM would have gone to a wedding instead.

happyfor25 · May 2013

Agree with PPs, it would be rude to ask your parents to contribute. $10k seems like a pretty decent budget but I guess that depends on how many people you plan to invite. If you have a large guest list, consider a lunch reception, a Friday or Sunday wedding, an "off-season" month. Forego things like favors, find DIY ideas for décor. Search for sales for your dress. It can be done!

Like others said, if you really can't plan the wedding you want within that budget, consider delaying it to save up some more.

Maggie0829 · May 2013

The reason why you are having a hard time figuring out a way to approach your parents is because asking for money to pay for your wedding is rude. Now if they offer to help out that is a different story.

You have two options. Either wait until you have enough money saved up to have the wedding that you envision. Or do a lot of research to figure out how to have a beautiful wedding on 10K (this is very possible by the way).

You and your FI are adults so start acting like it.

AddieCake · May 2013

In Response to Re:Asking parent's for financial help:
[QUOTE]The fact that your mom laughed about it, instead of offering to help pay, is your answer.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]
Yep yep.

And to anyone mocking those of us whose parents paid for our weddings, kindly accept a rude finger gesture from me. My dad WANTED to pay for our wedding b/c I wanted to elope and he wanted me to have a wedding. So he offered; we accepted. Nothing wrong with that.

ecrowe1218 · May 2013

I have contacted well over 90 vendors for pricing. We cut our guest list to 100 (originally it was 230) and we are planning a wedding on a Friday for 2015. My mom laughed only because I laughed - I was oringllay joking around with them. I planned on doing a lot of DIY to save money and I am forgoing the favor idea - unless we have money than we were going to do a donation.

I just can't seem to find a location or caterer for less than $10K. I don't want an extravangant wedding because I am not that type of person. My guest list can not be cut anymore. I just didn't think it was rude to ask our parents for some money.

antibride2013 · May 2013

In Response to Re: Asking parent's for financial help:
[QUOTE]I have contacted well over 90 vendors for pricing. We cut our guest list to 100 (originally it was 230) and we are planning a wedding on a Friday for 2015. My mom laughed only because I laughed - I was oringllay joking around with them. I planned on doing a lot of DIY to save money and I am forgoing the favor idea - unless we have money than we were going to do a donation. I just can't seem to find a location or caterer for less than $10K. I don't want an extravangant wedding because I am not that type of person. My guest list can not be cut anymore. I just didn't think it was rude to ask our parents for some money.
Posted by ecrowe1218[/QUOTE]

There is nothing you can do to save money in that amount of time? That is a LONG time to save. Cut out eating out, shut off the cable, take a second job? It is rude to ask your parents for money. Just don't. EVER.

jlhelms10 · May 2013

Ok, I am going to go completely against everyone, but don't go off on me. I am really close to my family and my FI is the same with his. When we first got engaged and set out to create our budget we both decided to take our parents out to dinner and bring up the fact that we were getting ready to start creating our budget and asked our families if they could help contribute in any way...like helping us find discounts on flowers or catering. We weren't specifically asking for money from them but suggestions on how to get a good deal. My mother works as a florist and offered to do our flowers and give us some money towards the wedding. With my FI parents we didn't even have to ask before they offered to help us.

I personally think it is okay to ask them if they can help out as far as if they have contact person that could cut you a deal or can help you with DIY projects.

cmoceri5 · May 2013

Tough situation. It's hard for both sides. Sounds like your way of "joking" about it was her way of telling you "no" already. I suggest either scaling down your wedding by inviting less people, have it on a Friday/Sunday, do a buffet, etc. or just do a destination wedding and whoever can go will go. My cousin did a destination wedding in a Mexican resort for $5K. I know many people dream about having a big, huge, fancy wedding but sometimes it's not practical. You don't want to have the fact that you asked for money hanging over your head forever. You'll be able to enjoy the day more if you live within your means.

P.S. Tradition is changing--the bride's family isn't responsbile for footing the bill these days.

BookwormMeg · May 2013

As a general rule, yes, it is considered rude to ask for money for your wedding. HOWEVER, I have to say that I do understand where you are coming from.
So, my question to you is this:

Are they people who will wait to be asked to help before offering? The **ONLY** reason I say this is my experience with my future inlaws. My FI and I were planning on doing this ourselves (with a bit of help from my mom since she graciously offered). Within the first week of being engaged there was a lot of idle chatter about random things surrounding our day. When we mentioned a very small guest list because of finances it started an argument... to which my future MIL said to me "You guys never even asked what if anything we would contribute, so how do you know what you can afford."

I am dead serious.

I, like many other people on this thread, felt that we shouldn't ask... parents paying for everything for a wedding isn't realistic anymore (by no means knocking anyone who was lucky enough for this to happen for them!). I figured if anyone wanted to help financially they'd offer... and yet I was made to feel like a class A butthead because it wasn't asked.

Now, I know this is NOT the usual way of things... but I wanted to throw it out there because sometimes... life (and the people in it) can be strange.

soror1913 · May 2013

Hey Sweetie
Ive been reading your post for the last couple of day and deciding how I should post. 1st please dont ask your parents because if they cant afford it they may feel that they let you down. Its going to be hard but you can have a wedding for 10k. Im getting married in Sept 2013 and my budget is 7,000 and im under budget. I dont mine telling dj, bridal stores, etc no because if its over my budget then I cant purchase it. What I have found it that when businesses know that you are not playing they will work with you!!! Also ask your parents to help you with certain things if you really need the help like your cake or dress. This will killl two birds with one stone. My parents or his parents didnt have but really wanted to help so we ask for help with the food and place and we only let them give us a small amount, but I tell you this it really made them feel apart of everything. God Bless and Im praying for you !!! Congrats on your big day !!!!

LMcMakin · May 2013

It seems to me you don't really want anyone's advice or opinions, and that you are creating some sort of problem that can't be fixed. You can definitely do a wedding for 10K in Philly.

kgd7357 · May 2013

In Response to Re: Asking parent's for financial help:
[QUOTE]I have contacted well over 90 vendors for pricing. We cut our guest list to 100 (originally it was 230) and we are planning a wedding on a Friday for 2015. My mom laughed only because I laughed - I was oringllay joking around with them. I planned on doing a lot of DIY to save money and I am forgoing the favor idea - unless we have money than we were going to do a donation. I just can't seem to find a location or caterer for less than $10K. I don't want an extravangant wedding because I am not that type of person. My guest list can not be cut anymore. I just didn't think it was rude to ask our parents for some money.
Posted by ecrowe1218[/QUOTE]

I feel you about the location problem. I'm from DC and almost anywhere even semi-nice is about $10,000 JUST for a ROOM! And you have to book 18 months in advance. We did some research and a lot of local country clubs have nice facilities for a lot cheaper if you have a member sponsor you. We found a beautiful ballroom for $750 for 6 hours including ceremony. However, we did have to move it out to the suburbs.

I agree that you can't ask for money. My parents didn't offer any originally. However, I found that as my mother got more excited about the wedding she did end up picking up some smaller bills here and there (veil, flowers, etc.). Your best bet is to keep your parents involved. They may get excited and offer something when it seems more real. It was also more fun for her to buy a specific thing than just fork over cash to do with as I pleased. Take them dress shopping or have them look at stationary with you. If they don't offer, then there isn't much you can do about it. Maybe they'll buy you lunch! Good luck.

PBLatrece · May 2013

In Response to Re: Asking parent's for financial help:
[QUOTE]I have contacted well over 90 vendors for pricing. We cut our guest list to 100 (originally it was 230) and we are planning a wedding on a Friday for 2015. My mom laughed only because I laughed - I was oringllay joking around with them. I planned on doing a lot of DIY to save money and I am forgoing the favor idea - unless we have money than we were going to do a donation. I just can't seem to find a location or caterer for less than $10K. I don't want an extravangant wedding because I am not that type of person. My guest list can not be cut anymore. I just didn't think it was rude to ask our parents for some money.
Posted by ecrowe1218[/QUOTE]

Have you considered having a small garden wedding or if you have a friend with a nice backyard, ask to use it. Personally, the guest list is the first that would go. Try to cut it down to 50-75 (close friends and family only). Look into having a buffet style dinner or a tappas reception.

Also, Im sure in a place like Philly there are small venues located outside of the city that might offer a good price. Some might even let you bring in your own caterer, that would save you two alot of money.

And, Im sure that once the planning gets started your parents or his might decide to contribute. Its not rude to ask your parents for help, just approach them in the right manner.

Good Luck

CheleLyn · May 2013

We live in a smallish town in Michigan with a guest list of about 100 (fingers crossed a bunch of people don't just show up at the reception for free food and booze!) and our budget is $5,000. I am fully expecting to come in under budget. There will be some DIY, but we found a great venue and caterer for our reception. We have decided to spend money on what we feel are the more important aspects of the event. We have both been married before, so there is a list of things that although a lot of couplea want in the their wedding (and more power to 'em), are just frivolous to US. Know what I mean?

FMIL had mentioned in passing that she and FFIL are planning to help us with expenses. I told I thought it was really sweet but that I do not expect them to. Personally, I am uncomfortable with it...but that's me...I WANT to pay for it myself.

Remember, even though you want a beautiful and memerable event, a wedding it just a DAY. Focus more on the marriage you want to build.

Vane&Vic_22894797 · May 2013

It might depend on the relationship you have with your parents, but I do not see it as RUDE to ask parents for money. It is a special day that is a whole family affair, and if you have a good relationship with them, you should be able to go with them for anything you are worried about and any ideas you have on how they can help. They always have the option to say no.

My only tips would be to sit down with them, let them know your planning, how hard you have been working to cut down your costs, and explain that it is extremely difficult to find a venue with your budget. If you are going to ask for a specific amount of money, I would ask for a loan instead, and make a plan with them of how many years it would take for you to pay it back. Otherwise, after explaining the financial hardship, I would ask if there is any way they could contribute monetarily to the wedding (not asking for a specific amount), thus letting them set an amount themselves based on what they feel comfortable with. If they say they cannot for any reason, or you see that this topic makes them very uncomfortable, then I would let them know it's ok and "take back" the request, for lack of better words.

Good luck! Keep us posted on what happens

Angie Sawyers · May 2013

In Response to Asking parent's for financial help:
[QUOTE]My FI & I were discussing our wedding and budget. Unfortunately, we can only afford like a 10K wedding and that seems next to impossible in the city of Phila. We were considering asking both sets of parents for 5K each. The issue I am having is how to approach them? We do not like asking for things from people especially that amount of money. I was joking with my mom the other day and said well since the bride's parents are supposed to pay for the wedding, how about giving us a some towards it...but we all laughed about it. I know I need to get serious and ask them but I just don't know how to approach it. ETA: I am looking for opinions - if you approach me in a rude manner, I will NOT respond. Sorry if I don't respond to each & every one of you but it could be that your suggestion was already made and I responded in a previous post. I am not trying to be rude but I am taking everything into consideration. Thanks!
Posted by ecrowe1218[/QUOTE]
ecrowe: I am actually surprised to hear everyone giving you such a hard time..I am even more surprised that your parents have not offered to help. Things that come into play are ..your age, is this your first marriage and the financial ability of your parents. My husband and I paid for our own wedding, but it was a 2nd for both of us and we were in out late 40's. My Daughter is talking about getting married (which is why I am on the site). I always knew that once she was ready that I would help. I will most likely be paying for over half of the wedding. A way you could bring it up is to ask your Mom for help with ideas of how to cut corners. I cant imagine that if she were able to help that she would not. Let her know that you are worried and struggling. Also, check prices for doing it on a Friday. Good luck!

jacqueli · May 2013

Asking your parents for money would be the easy way out. Your big enough to get married your big enough to pay for it. My FI and I are getting married in 2 and a half months and paying for it all ourselves. And I wish we had 10k. We are making it work with 6k. That's for 100 people church ceremony, catered reception at a separate location with DJ and all. Some helpful tips for making a budget work: instead of renting linens buy them. You can buy them for about 1/4 of the price of renting them, and then resell them after the wedding. Also look online at wholesale sites for items such as candles and centerpieces. Candle4less.com, Tableclothsfactory.com, Amazon, and smartyhadparty.com are some examples that I have used. Also, don't be afraid to negotiate prices with vendors. Most are very understanding of budgets and will work with you to get where you need to be financially. I was so scared to call a caterer because the online pricing was way out of what was able to afford but when I went in and discussed our budget I was able to get everything I wanted for the price I needed. It's all about shopping around.

cjbooth400 · May 2013

In Response to Re: Asking parent's for financial help:
[QUOTE]I have contacted well over 90 vendors for pricing. We cut our guest list to 100 (originally it was 230) and we are planning a wedding on a Friday for 2015. My mom laughed only because I laughed - I was oringllay joking around with them. I planned on doing a lot of DIY to save money and I am forgoing the favor idea - unless we have money than we were going to do a donation. I just can't seem to find a location or caterer for less than $10K. I don't want an extravangant wedding because I am not that type of person. My guest list can not be cut anymore. I just didn't think it was rude to ask our parents for some money.
Posted by ecrowe1218[/QUOTE]

Based on your responses to comments on the original post, it seems that you have already decided that you will ask for financial help from parents. I realize that when someone's mind is made up about something, looking for validation can be easily disguised as looking for advice. I think you should fully consider the comments left here and reconsider. My FI and I registered on traveljoy for a honeymoon instead of household items so that we could focus all of our money on the wedding we want, I am getting the dress I want at a much lower pricetag by having it custom-made through an etsy shop. My parents paid for my sister's wedding 5 years ago under a different financial situation, but have not offered any money for mine, so I have not asked. As a 25 year old bride making barely more than minimum wage and living in ATL, I am planning and saving for a 12,000 wedding in 2015. If I can do it, sweetie, so can you!

Latham101114 · May 2013

If you ask and they give you the money then they are entiteld to share (read as insist) their opinions. DO you really want that hastle?

Most hotels/catering halls in South Jersey and Philly charge all inclusive (linens, food, alcohol) from anywhere between $65-$250 per person. Some also include centerpieces, granted they may not be your dream centerpiece but seriously....its a centerpiece.

It seems you identified that alcohol is a non negotiable (Lord know I understand) but you can get the generic package-no need to get premium liquors (hello $10-$30 more per person with premium).

All in all do what you feel is right. My FI and I are paying for everything ourselves and our budget is $8,000 for 150 people. Everything that we have kept are our non negotiables and I dont regret one decision. At the end of the day we want to begin a life together, not start off in debt.

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