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Inviting plusones/significant others question

HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
The earlier post got me thinking. We invited the SOs of all of our friends, regardless of length of relationship or how much we like that person. It just seemed right. Truly single friends, and there are only nine such people in out 145person guest list, did not get a plusone. Our STDs went out weeks ago.

Since then, my MOH and her fianc, whom we invited because he's her fianc, even though we don't much like him, have 'called off' their engagement, but are still dating. I'm assuming she's still bringing him, but I haven't asked because I don't need to know this far in advance and she mostly just wants to vent about him so I let her do that. The STD went to her/him at her address, to make it clear he was invited as a SO, not in his own right.


One of my single friends has started casually seeing someone. He asked about bringing her. Since our wedding is in October, and they've only gone on three dates, I said, 'If you're seeing someone by the time of our wedding, of course you can bring her, whether it's this woman or someone else.'

But here's my question: when is the cutoff for people to bring SOs? When the invites go out? When they RSVP? The day I need to turn the final head count into our caterer? The day I have to turn the seating charts into the venue for setup? I don't want to be rude, but neither do I want to be redoing seating charts the day before my wedding.
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Re: Inviting plusones/significant others question

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    HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
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    Also, if someone could teach me how to make paragraphs on my phone, I'd be eternally grateful.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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    HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
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    Well, yay for paragraphs!! And thanks we can afford to add plusones, since at most it would be nine people and we've already had at least that many decline just from the STD. And I probably will use the caterer cutoff date, which is five days before the wedding. I feel like that's reasonable. I want to make my friends feel comfortable more than anything, and who knows? The person my one friend just started seeing could be his wife in a few years. FI and I will celebrate our oneyear dating anniversary eight days before our wedding; we just knew early on.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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    monkeysipmonkeysip member
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    In Response to Re: Inviting plusones/significant others question:
    [QUOTE]The paragraphs DO show up for the rest of us when you post from your phone, they just don't show up for you.  It's weird, I know.  But you have paragraphs in this post. The technical cutoff would be when invites go out (8 weeks or so before the wedding).  You aren't responsible for any relationships that begin after that.  However, if someone asks between then and the day you have to turn in a final headcount, I would accomodate them if you can afford to.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    Ditto stage.  It would be nice to accomodate them after the invitations go out, but no one expects you to have to redo your seating chart and call the caterer days before your wedding.  

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    fuerst37fuerst37 member
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    I'm with Stage. The more gracious you can be, the better!
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    What Stage said.  I would keep the guest list open for those single individuals until a final headcount is needed by your venue.

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    gmcr78gmcr78 member
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    I think the RSVP date is fair.  If they have a significant other by that date who they want to bring, then let them.

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    PeledreamsofrainPeledreamsofrain member
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    Unfortunately there is no 100% accurate way to compensate for SOs.  I personally found out well after the RSVPs came back that one of my H's close friends had secretly been in a long term relationship with someone, and she had completed her divorce and they went public around that time.

    I felt so embarrassed to have excluded her (you'd think we would have known about the relationship).  I had to call her and verbally invite her, which was awkward as all get out.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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    Anastasia517Anastasia517 member
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    edited April 2013
    In Response to Re: Inviting plusones/significant others question:
    [QUOTE]You were embarrassed that you didn't know that someone was having a relationship while they were married? 
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    *headdesk*

    Yes, because she was obviously having an affair.  It oculdn't be something like my parents, who have been legally for FIVE YEARS but in your mind, since they are still "married" they should not consider going on dates because the divorce is not finalized yet.  That makes sense.
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    s-aries8990s-aries8990 member
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    I think that you should ALWAYS leave it open until at least when the invites go out, and if possible, when the RSVPs are due or even the final head count. I think guest would really appreciate being respected as individuals who have their own lives and relationships instead of just numbers towards a headcount.

    Now, I'm not one to judge relationships because people can become serious in only a few weeks, but I think it's rude of the guest in many (but certainly not all) instances to "wait and see how it goes with SO" past the RSVP deadline, especially if the deadline is only 2-3 weeks before the wedding, and expect the SO to be accomodated. KWIM?

    If you are able to accomodate them, then it's really great of you! But it would be rude of them to expect it so close to the date.
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    STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    I go by invitation date generally, flexible until RSVP date if you can. But I don't think you ever need to feel bad for not inviting someone's secret SO if they aren't public with their relationship they can't expect to be invited places together.
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    PeledreamsofrainPeledreamsofrain member
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    In Response to Re:Inviting plusones/significant others question:
    [QUOTE]I go by invitation date generally, flexible until RSVP date if you can. But I don't think you ever need to feel bad for not inviting someone's secret SO if they aren't public with their relationship they can't expect to be invited places together.
    Posted by STARMOON44[/QUOTE]

    It was more of a retrospect thing.  The friend kept trying to snag an invite for her, but she wasn't really a close friend of ours.  We had told him several times that we couldn't accomodate (our wedding was super small).  I should have known something was up. 

    Then to have to retract, eat crow, and have an awkward phone conversation with a woman I barely know, verbally inviting her to the wedding, was embarrassing.  She was very gracious about it, bless her.  But the entire mess had the feel of us being too dumb to notice subtle hinting.

    I would guess that they were keeping it on the downlow for the benefit of the children until the divorce was actually finalized.
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    s-aries8990s-aries8990 member
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    In Response to Re:Inviting plusones/significant others question:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Inviting plusones/significant others question :But the entire mess had the feel of us being too dumb to notice subtle hinting. I would guess that they were keeping it on the downlow for the benefit of the children until the divorce was actually finalized.
    Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

    You'd think that they'd call you ask you to keep it confidential (even though attending a wedding is really public...)
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    lalanslalans member
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    We have a similar thing...two of our friends broke up with their girlfriends right around when we sent out invites...sadly, because we are kindof friends with the girls, but not really enough to invite them on their own.  One of the guys got back together with his ex..again, someone who we are kindof friends with but not enough for a solo invite and asked before he RSVPed if he could bring her, which we were fine with.  Well, now, last I've heard, they have broken up again. At some point in the next week I need to call and see what's going on before we do seating charts.
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