Wedding Etiquette Forum

Inviting unwanted guests

At the risk of sounding like a B, I have a questionfor you all.

How many guests did you invite / are you inviting that nobody wants to attend?

To clarify: both sets of our parents have asked us to invite guests that they don't want there. They say that these relatives will probably not come because they haven't seen or talked to them in years (some as many as three decades), but that we have to invite them out of respect. Several of these guests live across the country, but some live very close to our parents and are 4 hours away from the wedding, which is a drive-able distance.

This paragraph is more of a rant: FILs are paying for alcohol and rehearsal dinner, and my parents are paying for the band, venue and food. FI and I are paying for the rest. After our parents' lists, FI and I have been left with about 20% of the guest list to invite our friends. We have both talked to our parents about removing these guests, and, multiple times, they firmly rejected us. Our parents are pressuring us to still invite our friends to make up for these "definitely-not-coming" guests, and FI is all on board with our parents' idea. I am in possession of the invitations and guest list, however, and I am not letting this happen. Our parents have already gone over their limit of guests, and since they are paying, it is what it is.
***For the record, turning down money is not an option at this point without hurting our families, and we are unable to pay for the wedding ourselves - our parents' guest lists grew only after they made expensive deposits. We've made peace with this and are moving on.

So it comes down to inviting guests that they don't want there and that they don't want to come. I guess I just don't understand WHY. Why is this "respect" thing so important? I was not invited to the weddings of my distant and estranged cousins, and I would be shocked if I was (and I would perceive it as a request for a gift). Would you guys perceive this differently? How many unwanted guests did you have to invite? And if there are any parents of the bride or groom who want to chime in, did you feel the need to invite any family members out of respect (and respect only)?

Re: Inviting unwanted guests

  • We didn't invite any unwanted guests because if we didn't want them there then why invite them?

    Some families are weird and they think that just because they are blood related that they need to send an invitation to everyone even if they don't like them or want them there.  Since your parents are paying then let them invite those people.

    I would be interested to see their faces if they receive back RSVPs of yes for those that they don't want to come and didn't think  would come.

  • SJM7538SJM7538 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited April 2013
    I say if capacity and budget constraints aren't an issue then just go with the flow. This isn't a hill you want to die on. You will greet them at the wedding, say thank you for coming and be on your way. You will barely notice them.

    I totally get it and no I would not feel "disrepected" if I didn't get an invite to a distant relatives wedding but some people would. Fiance has an elderly aunt who lives in Ohio that we never see and I have never even met. But his mom specifically asked me to include her because she will be offended if she doesn't at least get in invitation.

    Can I also ask how many "unwanted" guests your families are asking to be invited? If the list is out of control then you may want to put your foot down but if it's a minimal number of people then I wouldn't fight it.

    And for the record no you don't sound like a B.

    EDIT: I just reread that your parents are paying so putting your foot down may not be an option. But maybe compromise if they're reasonable people.
  • harper0813harper0813 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited April 2013
    In Response to Re: Inviting unwanted guests:
    [QUOTE]We didn't invite any unwanted guests because if we didn't want them there then why invite them? Some families are weird and they think that just because they are blood related that they need to send an invitation to everyone even if they don't like them or want them there.  Since your parents are paying then let them invite those people. I would be interested to see their faces if they receive back RSVPs of yes for those that they don't want to come and didn't think  would come.
    Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

    That's exactly what we're doing. They're on the list, and some of them have received STDs. They are being invited. And our families are definitely those families you describe.

    This is just me questioning it all. :)

    [QUOTE]Can I also ask how many "unwanted" guests your families are asking to be invited? If the list is out of control then you may want to put your foot down but if it's a minimal number of people then I wouldn't fight it. And for the record no you don't sound like a B.
    Posted by SJM7538[/QUOTE]

    Thanks, I'm glad I don't sound that way! We're inviting around 25 guests (our guest list is 175 people total) that are unwanted.
  • In Response to Re: Inviting unwanted guests:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Inviting unwanted guests : That's exactly what we're doing. They're on the list, and some of them have received STDs. They are being invited. And our families are definitely those families you describe. This is just me questioning it all. :) Thanks, I'm glad I don't sound that way! We're inviting around 25 guests (our guest list is 175 people total) that are unwanted.
    Posted by zoberg[/QUOTE]

    I would be questioning it too and wondering about their logic.  Like you, I don't think it makes sense to invite people to a wedding that you don't like or want there even if they are blood related.  To me that is dumb and a waste of a stamp.

  • I would say we are inviting about 3-4 people who I really don't want there. And yes, most likely thes people won't come, but, I cannot invited my step father's father and step mom and not invite his mother. And I cannot invite all of my maternal grandmothers siblings, but exclude one brother and his spouse all because they don't get along with my grandparents. 

    And honestly, I really detest my FFIL but that is my issue that I need to work on, nothing that he does inherently wrong.

    I think its all about family dynamic as to who you can and cannot invite. 
    Anniversary
    image
  • Sorry I didn't realize you were just looking for some insight into if others have the same issue.

    We probably have about ten guests total that we "don't want." And I put that in quotations because I think its more like my parents want them there (Family friends, my mom's boss) and I could really care less either way. In the grand scheme of things 10 people out of a 200 person guest list really isn't a big deal to us.

    Its funny because the respect thing did come up with my mom's boss. She thought it would be disrespectul not to invite him because we are inviting the office manager of the practice she works at. It's just the three of them in the office.

  • we didn't invite anyone we didn't want to attend. We made sure we were engaged long enough to be able to pay for our own wedding, and no one else had a say about the guest list.
  • amorrison340amorrison340 member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    edited April 2013
    I am in the same situation,  I would say we have about 15 people on the list that really don't need to be there.  My parents are paying for pretty much everything.  This has been a huge stressor, as my mom changes her mind on this issue constantly.  
    We decided (with my parents) not to send them save the dates, to give us some flexibility.  Also, we figure that it will be less likely that they actually come.  It sounds kind of mean, but that's what we've been able to compromise.  Based on my expereince, a lot of these respectful invites come from not wanting to be nagged later on or feel guilty for not staying in touch.  Again, totally based on my own family.  I think you are right not to assume they won't come.  But you can have your friend's invites ready to go out when the first people who can't come rsvp.
  • We're inviting a few people that I'd rather not see there.  Some friends have SOs  that we don't care for, and they make up most of those.  My FI and I have a lot of mutual friends that are invited, but there's really only one that I don't want there.  My FI wants this person there though, so whatever.  I'll be too busy to notice them anyway.  There's a relative I'm inviting, even though the entire family hates her and does not speak to her. I'm one of the only people that talks to her.  My dad is fine with me inviting her though, and it'll be interesting to see what happens if she comes.  Part of me hopes she doesn't come-a relative I'm much closer to says that she (and probably her whole clan) won't come if she's there. :(

    All in all, there's really a lot of people on our guest list I could do without.  But I don't really mind them being there either.  There's only a few people I wish weren't invited, and of those few there's only one that I REALLY don't want there.  It's my mom's BF though, so I don't really have a choice in the matter.
  • 1, kind of. None of us in our social circle care for the girlfriend of one of my husband's best friends, and she doesn't care for any of us, but since they are a couple, of course we invited her. We even played for her plane ticket. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • We invited 370 people, if memory serves.  All of them *someone* legitimately wanted to attend.  And none of them was anyone hoping they'd decline (the people that I wouldn't have personally put on the guest list I didn't dislike, just wasn't close enough to have invited them without input from parents/grandparents). 

    I was lucky in that my mom was 100% on my side, regardless of where my side was.  She wanted us to have the wedding we wanted, even though they were paying.  My grandparents actually added some people to the guest list that I wouldn't have included, and she was willing to fight them on it for me, but I didn't really care that much so we added them.  H has one uncle who's just straight up odd and makes me a little uncomfortable, but we didn't actually even consider not inviting him b/c he's just that goofy uncle that you invite, KWIM? 
  • I don't really have this scenario happening where no one is wanted by anyone. I did invite some people at FMIL's request that we wouldn't normally invite but she wants them there...and they will come.

    But, I do have a group of people that we are inviting that we are pretty sure are going to decline because of proximity or scheduling conflicts and I am sending out their invitations out about 10 days sooner than the rest of my guests.

    Right now, I have 2 people that I work with on my invitation list, but I'd like to have more, I'm just over budget to invite the whole group. I'm sending out my work invitations last. If a few of my long distance couples decline quickly, I am going to add the group from work and send out all work invitations together (with same RSVP date and a few months remaining to RSVP).

    I know some people might squak about it being a "B" list, but I think the way I'm doing it is tasteful and not rude. The work people won't know my family in Germany got their invites 2 weeks sooner and will still have close to 3 months to RSVP.

    Just a thought to help you get a few more friends in. It might not do anything for me as some people may RSVP late but my family normally competes to be the first one to RSVP kind of thing.
    image   imageimage
    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

  • In Response to Re: Inviting unwanted guests:
    [QUOTE]From OP - " FILs are paying for alcohol and rehearsal dinner , and my parents are paying for the band, venue and food . FI and I are paying for the rest. After our parents' lists, FI and I have been left with about 20% of the guest list to invite our friends" Seems to me that your parents/In-laws are paying major costs. I am sorry about the frustaton.  Do I understand that you get 25% of 175, or about 43 people?  Is that what you were alloted orignally?  Seems workable, as long as all silblings and cousins are in their count.  Maybe not generous, but workable.
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    We originally agreed on splitting it into thirds (my parents' idea, and they're footing the majority of the bill) - one third to my parents, one third to FI's parents, and one third to us. They have since changed their minds. Both of our parents went outside of their thirds after my parents had put down very large deposits (beyond what we can afford at this point).

    We all came up with a guest list before looking at venues and it was around 150 and we were not inviting our entire families - we were sticking to people we have relationships with. So they went back on their word, but we did not sign a contract or anything...

    Each of us could invite 60 people. Our parents went over 60 and we had to cut friends from our list because they said that our family is more important that our friends.

    But like I said, what's done is done and we've made peace with it.

  • In Response to Re: Inviting unwanted guests:
    [QUOTE]I'm sending out my work invitations last. If a few of my long distance couples decline quickly, I am going to add the group from work and send out all work invitations together (with same RSVP date and a few months remaining to RSVP). I know some people might squak about it being a "B" list, but I think the way I'm doing it is tasteful and not rude. The work people won't know my family in Germany got their invites 2 weeks sooner and will still have close to 3 months to RSVP. Just a thought to help you get a few more friends in. It might not do anything for me as some people may RSVP late but my family normally competes to be the first one to RSVP kind of thing.
    Posted by MuppetFan[/QUOTE]

    This is what I've been considering, but I've been afraid to ask here because I agree that it would be frowned upon. If we get early noes, we will would like to send out a few more invites to friends - but only a very few, and they'd be before the 6-week mark. We can't tell my parents this, though, because they've already asked us to B-list some of their friends and they'd be livid if they found out that we were doing this for our friends rather than theirs.

  • Zoberg my FIL's operate much the same way as your family.  Their guest list includes second cousins, aunts and uncles no one has spoken to in ages, and even family in Italy that have never ever traveled to the U.S.  All because they are afraid these people will get offended if they are not invited.  They are giving us whatever we need money wise, so we couldn't really say no.  As much as part of me is planning on 100% attendance, based on who came to FI's sister weddings (which were 7 and 9 years ago), out of their parents 115 person guestlist, only 65 attended.  I'm hoping for the same pattern for us, and then hopefully we end up with a 120-130 person wedding, which is what I wanted from the getgo.
  • In Response to Re: Inviting unwanted guests:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Inviting unwanted guests : This is what I've been considering, but I've been afraid to ask here because I agree that it would be frowned upon. If we get early noes, we will would like to send out a few more invites to friends - but only a very few, and they'd be before the 6-week mark. We can't tell my parents this, though, because they've already asked us to B-list some of their friends and they'd be livid if they found out that we were doing this for our friends rather than theirs.
    Posted by zoberg[/QUOTE]

    Is 6 weeks the suggested last time to send out invites?

    I'm sending my invites out early to avoid sending any out with less than 2 months, trying to give closer to 3 to some.

    If you do it, I'd be careful not to invite people from the same social group earlier than others. That's why I'm holding sending ANY work ones out until i'm ready. If I have 3 or 4 couples RSVP no, I can invite the whole group of 8 couples that I work closely with. Otherwise, I will just invite my boss and assistant.

    I agree with not telling your parents about any changes. If you sent out invites sooner than later, that might give you extra room.


    image   imageimage
    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

  • Since the parents seem willing to cover the costs of your friends, is it a venue size issue that is keeping you from inviting them?. As long as they are willing to pay for all of the "of course they'll never come" that RSVP yes, and your additional friends, what is the issue?  If the venue can handle it, and the parents are willing to pay, I would rather go over the "ideal size" of wedding that I had envisioned then not invite my friends to the wedding.
  • edited April 2013
    We invited a number of guests that we hadn't seen in a while or lived far away, and we didn't think would show up. But if any of them had RSVP'ed yes, we would have been glad to have them there (or at least my parenst would have for some of them). We did not invite anyone that no one wanted to show up. 

    I would ask your parents to clarify- if these unwanted relatives RSVP yes AND the friends you invite RSVP yes, will they pay for everyone? If yes, then invite your friends that you want there. You might end up with a larger guest list than you like, but at least you'll have people you like show up, not just people you don't want there. 

    ETA: I did argue with my mom about a few people that she was obligatorily inviting, and we settled on sending wedding announcements to those people. Of course, once the wedding happened the announcements never went out. But we don't socialize with that group to begin with.
  • harper0813harper0813 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited April 2013
    Gail and Moonlight, the venue holds 175 and our parents will only pay for 175. FI and I are already contributing as much as we can afford and we don't have the extra money to pay for anyone over 175. So unfortunately we are stuck with the guest list.
  • We originally wanted a very small wedding with about 50 people. We're getting a wedding with about 100 - 120 people, but that's ok. There isn't anyone that no one wants there and there isn't any one that I'm upset about inviting. I could have done without inviting my dad's extended family, but my parents are contributing to about 50% of the wedding costs, so it's a string we were willing to take. FI doesn't really care about inviting a lot of the family that he did invite (they aren't a close-knit family), but he won't be unhappy to see them. There's one girl from my friend group that I don't want to invite but may, just to keep the peace. That'll be a last minute decision though. So, out of 100 - 120, possibly 1.
  • My uncle is married to a horrible woman.  She's his SO though so she's invited.  At the last family wedding my aunt got drunk and made this woman cry.  Fun times!  My dad has a cousin I can't stand.  However, we invited in circles, so he and his wife got the invite.  They live five hours away so we're hoping they don't make the trip.  If they do, I'll slap a smile on my face.  The last time I saw this cousin he refused to acknowledge me.  If he shows, he'll HAVE to if I'm the bride.  FI has two aunts he can't stand.  Both have treated him poorly in the past, but haven't crossed that "I'd NEVER invite you to my wedding and everyone will understand" line yet.

    So that's five.  Whatever.  I'll just party it up with my other guests!
  • In Response to Re: Inviting unwanted guests:
    [QUOTE]My uncle is married to a horrible woman.  She's his SO though so she's invited.  At the last family wedding my aunt got drunk and made this woman cry.  Fun times!  My dad has a cousin I can't stand.  However, we invited in circles, so he and his wife got the invite.  They live five hours away so we're hoping they don't make the trip.  If they do, I'll slap a smile on my face.  The last time I saw this cousin he refused to acknowledge me.  If he shows, he'll HAVE to if I'm the bride.  FI has two aunts he can't stand.  Both have treated him poorly in the past, but haven't crossed that "I'd NEVER invite you to my wedding and everyone will understand" line yet. So that's five.  Whatever.  I'll just party it up with my other guests!
    Posted by BostonGIrl4732[/QUOTE]

    Oh, we also have a terrible SO. Two of them, in fact! Two guys in our family (one married-in uncle and one married-in cousin) once sent my brother to the hospital when he was 8 years out when they got drunk, smothered him with a pillow and sat on top of him and called him the three-lettered f-word. And because they're SOs, hooray, we get to invite them. I'm oh-so tempted to show their pictures to our bartenders and ask them not to serve them ANYTHING because they get so violently beligerent when they're drunk.
  • edited April 2013
    This very issue is probably my biggest regret of the wedding. So you're not alone! We're getting married outside at my parents' home, so because they're literally hosting the event, I didn't feel like I could say no to anyone they added to the guest list. Perhaps that was my mistake - maybe I should have given greater weight to the intimate sort of wedding FI and I originally wanted. I do feel like we're getting married in the right place, but I don't think I anticipated how much the setting - the fact that it is THEIR home - would control the guest list. My parents are extremely non-confrontational, so we just HAD to invite all the second cousins/coworkers, etc. My parents are also the reason we had to register, because they didn't feel comfortable saying (only when people asked), "They're saving up for the honeymoon."

    Sorry, sort of a rant, and the day-of, I'm sure things will be great. The one person I can think of that nobody really wants to attend is the H of my mom's college best friend (yep, mom's 3 best friends from college were invited...) He can be verbally abusive, especially when he drinks. We're waiting to see if he accepts.

    However, the one thing I can say is that you should ALWAYS count on 100% attendance. Sure enough, a lot of these random cousins Mom said she was sure wouldn't come and that no one particularly cares if they come ARE COMING.
    Anniversary
  • "Pitty Guests" more so than "unwanted" If your mother begins kicking and screaming demandding that her great Aunt Sally attend your wedding, then you can allow it just this one time. I had to tell a friend of my mothers that she couldnt bring her two children (aged 22 and 27) because we just didn't have a place for them and I am not close to them at all. That friend didn't speak to my mother for a while but she then understood that we chose an intimate wedding of 55 guests and had to be fair to those closest who supported us through the years- not just wanted free cake.
  • RWolffRWolff member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    My mom insisted that we invited my aunt's second husband's parents (i.e. not even the grandparents of my cousins) to the wedding because they came to Thanksgiving one time 3 years ago. I think that's the only big one, althouhg a BM is bringing a random guy I don't care for because she didn't want to come alone.
    Anniversary
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards