At the risk of sounding like a B, I have a questionfor you all.
How many guests did you invite / are you inviting that nobody wants to attend?
To clarify: both sets of our parents have asked us to invite guests that they don't want there. They say that these relatives will probably not come because they haven't seen or talked to them in years (some as many as three decades), but that we have to invite them out of respect. Several of these guests live across the country, but some live very close to our parents and are 4 hours away from the wedding, which is a drive-able distance.
This paragraph is more of a rant: FILs are paying for alcohol and rehearsal dinner, and my parents are paying for the band, venue and food. FI and I are paying for the rest. After our parents' lists, FI and I have been left with about 20% of the guest list to invite our friends. We have both talked to our parents about removing these guests, and, multiple times, they firmly rejected us. Our parents are pressuring us to still invite our friends to make up for these "definitely-not-coming" guests, and FI is all on board with our parents' idea. I am in possession of the invitations and guest list, however, and I am not letting this happen. Our parents have already gone over their limit of guests, and since they are paying, it is what it is.
***For the record, turning down money is not an option at this point without hurting our families, and we are unable to pay for the wedding ourselves - our parents' guest lists grew only after they made expensive deposits. We've made peace with this and are moving on.
So it comes down to inviting guests that they don't want there and that they don't want to come. I guess I just don't understand WHY. Why is this "respect" thing so important? I was not invited to the weddings of my distant and estranged cousins, and I would be shocked if I was (and I would perceive it as a request for a gift). Would you guys perceive this differently? How many unwanted guests did you have to invite? And if there are any parents of the bride or groom who want to chime in, did you feel the need to invite any family members out of respect (and respect only)?
Re: Inviting unwanted guests
Some families are weird and they think that just because they are blood related that they need to send an invitation to everyone even if they don't like them or want them there. Since your parents are paying then let them invite those people.
I would be interested to see their faces if they receive back RSVPs of yes for those that they don't want to come and didn't think would come.
I totally get it and no I would not feel "disrepected" if I didn't get an invite to a distant relatives wedding but some people would. Fiance has an elderly aunt who lives in Ohio that we never see and I have never even met. But his mom specifically asked me to include her because she will be offended if she doesn't at least get in invitation.
Can I also ask how many "unwanted" guests your families are asking to be invited? If the list is out of control then you may want to put your foot down but if it's a minimal number of people then I wouldn't fight it.
And for the record no you don't sound like a B.
EDIT: I just reread that your parents are paying so putting your foot down may not be an option. But maybe compromise if they're reasonable people.
[QUOTE]We didn't invite any unwanted guests because if we didn't want them there then why invite them? Some families are weird and they think that just because they are blood related that they need to send an invitation to everyone even if they don't like them or want them there. Since your parents are paying then let them invite those people. I would be interested to see their faces if they receive back RSVPs of yes for those that they don't want to come and didn't think would come.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]
Posted by SJM7538[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Inviting unwanted guests : That's exactly what we're doing. They're on the list, and some of them have received STDs. They are being invited. And our families are definitely those families you describe. This is just me questioning it all. Thanks, I'm glad I don't sound that way! We're inviting around 25 guests (our guest list is 175 people total) that are unwanted.
Posted by zoberg[/QUOTE]
I would be questioning it too and wondering about their logic. Like you, I don't think it makes sense to invite people to a wedding that you don't like or want there even if they are blood related. To me that is dumb and a waste of a stamp.
Sorry I didn't realize you were just looking for some insight into if others have the same issue.
We probably have about ten guests total that we "don't want." And I put that in quotations because I think its more like my parents want them there (Family friends, my mom's boss) and I could really care less either way. In the grand scheme of things 10 people out of a 200 person guest list really isn't a big deal to us.
Its funny because the respect thing did come up with my mom's boss. She thought it would be disrespectul not to invite him because we are inviting the office manager of the practice she works at. It's just the three of them in the office.
Websites/blogs where our wedding has been featured:
http://www.dapperq.com/2013/11/a-very-dapper-wedding/
http://www.onabicyclebuiltfortwo.com/2013/10/wedding-christina-g.html
http://4realequalityweddings.com/2014/05/16/g-christina/
All in all, there's really a lot of people on our guest list I could do without. But I don't really mind them being there either. There's only a few people I wish weren't invited, and of those few there's only one that I REALLY don't want there. It's my mom's BF though, so I don't really have a choice in the matter.
I was lucky in that my mom was 100% on my side, regardless of where my side was. She wanted us to have the wedding we wanted, even though they were paying. My grandparents actually added some people to the guest list that I wouldn't have included, and she was willing to fight them on it for me, but I didn't really care that much so we added them. H has one uncle who's just straight up odd and makes me a little uncomfortable, but we didn't actually even consider not inviting him b/c he's just that goofy uncle that you invite, KWIM?
But, I do have a group of people that we are inviting that we are pretty sure are going to decline because of proximity or scheduling conflicts and I am sending out their invitations out about 10 days sooner than the rest of my guests.
Right now, I have 2 people that I work with on my invitation list, but I'd like to have more, I'm just over budget to invite the whole group. I'm sending out my work invitations last. If a few of my long distance couples decline quickly, I am going to add the group from work and send out all work invitations together (with same RSVP date and a few months remaining to RSVP).
I know some people might squak about it being a "B" list, but I think the way I'm doing it is tasteful and not rude. The work people won't know my family in Germany got their invites 2 weeks sooner and will still have close to 3 months to RSVP.
Just a thought to help you get a few more friends in. It might not do anything for me as some people may RSVP late but my family normally competes to be the first one to RSVP kind of thing.
You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
[QUOTE]From OP - " FILs are paying for alcohol and rehearsal dinner , and my parents are paying for the band, venue and food . FI and I are paying for the rest. After our parents' lists, FI and I have been left with about 20% of the guest list to invite our friends" Seems to me that your parents/In-laws are paying major costs. I am sorry about the frustaton. Do I understand that you get 25% of 175, or about 43 people? Is that what you were alloted orignally? Seems workable, as long as all silblings and cousins are in their count. Maybe not generous, but workable.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]I'm sending out my work invitations last. If a few of my long distance couples decline quickly, I am going to add the group from work and send out all work invitations together (with same RSVP date and a few months remaining to RSVP). I know some people might squak about it being a "B" list, but I think the way I'm doing it is tasteful and not rude. The work people won't know my family in Germany got their invites 2 weeks sooner and will still have close to 3 months to RSVP. Just a thought to help you get a few more friends in. It might not do anything for me as some people may RSVP late but my family normally competes to be the first one to RSVP kind of thing.
Posted by MuppetFan[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Inviting unwanted guests : This is what I've been considering, but I've been afraid to ask here because I agree that it would be frowned upon. If we get early noes, we will would like to send out a few more invites to friends - but only a very few, and they'd be before the 6-week mark. We can't tell my parents this, though, because they've already asked us to B-list some of their friends and they'd be livid if they found out that we were doing this for our friends rather than theirs.
Posted by zoberg[/QUOTE]
Is 6 weeks the suggested last time to send out invites?
I'm sending my invites out early to avoid sending any out with less than 2 months, trying to give closer to 3 to some.
If you do it, I'd be careful not to invite people from the same social group earlier than others. That's why I'm holding sending ANY work ones out until i'm ready. If I have 3 or 4 couples RSVP no, I can invite the whole group of 8 couples that I work closely with. Otherwise, I will just invite my boss and assistant.
I agree with not telling your parents about any changes. If you sent out invites sooner than later, that might give you extra room.
You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
June 2012 Bride!
[QUOTE]My uncle is married to a horrible woman. She's his SO though so she's invited. At the last family wedding my aunt got drunk and made this woman cry. Fun times! My dad has a cousin I can't stand. However, we invited in circles, so he and his wife got the invite. They live five hours away so we're hoping they don't make the trip. If they do, I'll slap a smile on my face. The last time I saw this cousin he refused to acknowledge me. If he shows, he'll HAVE to if I'm the bride. FI has two aunts he can't stand. Both have treated him poorly in the past, but haven't crossed that "I'd NEVER invite you to my wedding and everyone will understand" line yet. So that's five. Whatever. I'll just party it up with my other guests!
Posted by BostonGIrl4732[/QUOTE]
Sorry, sort of a rant, and the day-of, I'm sure things will be great. The one person I can think of that nobody really wants to attend is the H of my mom's college best friend (yep, mom's 3 best friends from college were invited...) He can be verbally abusive, especially when he drinks. We're waiting to see if he accepts.
However, the one thing I can say is that you should ALWAYS count on 100% attendance. Sure enough, a lot of these random cousins Mom said she was sure wouldn't come and that no one particularly cares if they come ARE COMING.