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Feeling second best

RockerMrsRockerMrs
First Comment
in Second Weddings
I love my guy to pieces ( he is a very sweet man), but I feel like I am second best. He did not actually marry the girl in his past, but was engaged to her for a long time. When we first got together he told me how he proposed to her. He had lights outside that formed "Marry Me?". He asked me while we were watching TV. I thought he was joking but a few days later while visiting his friend in the hospital he got down on one knee and gave me a ring. I feel like the proposal wasn't even for me. Before he proposed he said dude do you remember what I told you I was going to do and then he did it. I'm also not fully happy with my ring it is yellow gold. I only wear white gold jewelry. I've also seen his ex fiances ring and it was gorgeous (and white gold).  I have to fight with him to do things for the wedding and I'm getting really frustrated. I feel like he should be helping me instead of hindering. Are these feelings normal? Am I overreacting?
I don't know what to do,
Mrs. Second Best
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Re: Feeling second best

  • MikesAngieMikesAngie member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    I would suggest sitting down and talking with your FI, because from your post it sounds like you are very unhappy and feeling as though you are not his first choice.  It would be best to clear the air and talk about it.  Marriage is compromise, communication and work and if you are unable to do that now, it doesn't bode well for the future.  You need to have an OPEN HONEST talk with him about how you feel before you put any more work into the wedding. 
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  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I agree with Mikes- you really need to talk with him. I know when I first started seriously seeing my DH, I made A LOT of unecessary comparisons between me and his ex. After talking them out with him it turns out that a lot of it was me just being overly dramatic. Afterall, when they got married, I was only 12, so for starters, he couldn't have even legally been my husband or chosen me first! So, I can't compare apples and oranges and maybe that's also the case with you. In my situation, my proposal was not a surprise and on my back patio; hers was much more elaborate. However, he then told me that she had basically written down for him, detail by detail, of how she wanted her proposal and that he better not stray too far from it. So, she got what she asked for, or rather demande. I did not ask for anything (and I only knew because of him forgetting my ring size!), so can't compare the two. Also, with the rings- did his ex specifically ask for white gold? Did you tell her FI that you only wanted white gold? I know I had to politely mention several times that I wanted platinum when we discussed marriage. If I hadn't drilled it in, it's not what I would have gotten. At the end of the day, maybe she got all of these things you claim to be wonderful, but what was their relationship like? Clearly it wasn't great, as they never married. How is yours though? If your relationship is solid and there is not question you love each other, then the other material things shouldn't matter. The ex could have had it all and he could have never loved her, or cared for her as much as you. Again, you definitely need to talk this over.

     







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  • radleybooradleyboo member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I agree with the PP's here.  You need to communicate with your FI.  If you can't communicate about things like rings, how will you communicate about the really tough stuff?  Take a step back and focus on what's really important here, like who he is as a man and how you are as a couple.  
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  • RockerMrsRockerMrs
    First Comment
    Wow reading your comments has really helped me snap back to reality. He has told me numerous times that he was miserable in the first relationship and that she was very demanding. I really have not requested anything and most of the time, honestly, I am nonchalant and easy going. When it comes to our wedding I've changed. I have always dreamed of a wonderful proposal and my dream ring. He is an awesome and very caring guy. I just automatically expected that he would do something special. I will talk to him tonight about it. Thanks everyone! 
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  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    RockerMrs said:
    Wow reading your comments has really helped me snap back to reality. He has told me numerous times that he was miserable in the first relationship and that she was very demanding. I really have not requested anything and most of the time, honestly, I am nonchalant and easy going. When it comes to our wedding I've changed. I have always dreamed of a wonderful proposal and my dream ring. He is an awesome and very caring guy. I just automatically expected that he would do something special. I will talk to him tonight about it. Thanks everyone! 
     
    Unfortunately, 99% of men don't think like that! LOL My DH is an amazingly wonderful, thoughtful man and puts me up on quite the pedastool, but he just cannot think outside of the box when it comes to doing something romantic or unique. He ends up doing what makes him most comfortable, which means it's usually low key, no-fuss, and no frills. I am sure that your FI is the same and just needs to be "led to the water" in order to do something over the top.

     







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