Is it bad etiquette to call my aunt out

easilyunamused · May 2013

on her bad behavior?

I have a small immediate family. Mom, bro, aunt and 2 cousins. GPs are passed, and my Mom has a long term BF. That is it.

Me and the FI are having our wedding in Colorado, in his hometown. My family is in MI. It seemed more logical for my family and close MI friends to go to CO, because he has a large family, and we have a lot of friends in CO as well.

So I call my Aunt, to ask her her plans for travel and such. She informs me that her and my 2 cousins might not make it because of $$. Which is understandable for my older cousin, because she has a baby and is in school full time. But for my other cousin and my Aunt makes no sense. They have known about the CO wedding now for 9 months. If it was a priority, they could have been saving the $$.

This is where I feel like I should say something. After I tell her I understand the cost, and that I really hope her situation changes, she proceeds to tell me about her upcoming TRIP to CALIFORNIA! With my COUSIN! (not the one with the baby) I was so, so mad. But I didn't say anything.

If it turns out that she doesn't come, am I allowed to say to her "Maybe you should have saved the $$ from the CA trip to make it to my wedding instead"?

Or should I just leave it alone?

daveANDkristen · May 2013

Leave it alone. It is totally your aunts business how she spends her money. I understand why you would be disappointed, but confronting her about it will not solve anything. Best to let it go.

bunni727 · May 2013

Just leave it alone. I get being disappointed, but it's not your place to lecture adults about financial priorities. It's not like she was asking you to pay for her.

emeejeeayen · May 2013

While I do think you can safely assume from now on that your marriage (and possibly you) are not top of her priority list, I don't think you should say anything about that. Just reevaluate your expectations from now on.

easilyunamused · May 2013

I totally get that I can not dictate how she spends her money. But to find out that you aren't a priority for your family member is a hard pill to swallow after not experiencing that in 29 years.

I guess I would want her to know that she hurt me. I think that is what I was saying, more than how she spends her money.

easilyunamused · May 2013

In Response to Re: Is it bad etiquette to call my aunt out:
[QUOTE]It's none of your business how she spends her money or where they choose to travel. That said, there's nothing wrong with you feeling hurt and upset about them not making your wedding a priority. But, you just need to leave it alone.
Posted by Sleeper2013[/QUOTE]

I am not worried about how she spends her money, that was just part of the story to show that I felt like its not important to her.

bunni727 · May 2013

In Response to Re: Is it bad etiquette to call my aunt out:
[QUOTE]I totally get that I can not dictate how she spends her money. But to find out that you aren't a priority for your family member is a hard pill to swallow after not experiencing that in 29 years. I guess I would want her to know that she hurt me. I think that is what I was saying, more than how she spends her money.
Posted by Bmarie1316[/QUOTE]

Honestly, why? What good will come of trying to make her feel guilty, when she hasn't done anything wrong?

The most I would say would be "I'm so sorry you can't make it, I'll really miss you at the wedding!" if she officially declines.

jemmini6 · May 2013

Leave it alone. It sucks that they aren't making the effort to come to your wedding and I get why you're upset, but unfortunately the situation still boils down to it being their decision on how to spend their money.

If you want to address it with her, you'd need to approach it from the aspect that you are upset they won't be attending in general, not that they should have spent their money on your wedding instead of a trip to CA. But even then, it'd be rude to say anything more than a simple "Oh, I'm sorry to hear you won't be coming, you'll be greatly missed".

daria24 · May 2013

I get that your feelings are hurt. But what purpose will it serve to call her out? If you do that, she'll most likely think "well I'm glad I'm not wasting my vacation time/money on that Bridezilla." She isn't going to change her mind, so guilt tripping her will only make her feel justified in her decision.

Anastasia517 · May 2013

I can understand being upset, but you can't say anything without sounding bratty. Instead, have a big glass of wine and distract yourself this evening.

erinlin25 · May 2013

Originally the person who introduced my Fi and I was not going to miss our wedding for the world. She accepted doing a reading at the ceremony and was so excited. Recently she was given the opportunity to go to Australia to visit her mom and guess when she will go-- Yes, she is now missing our wedding. Are we sad--absolutely!! Are we going to call her and say why is your trip to Australia more important than our wedding!? Absolutely not. Will we still get married---YES. That is what matters most.

How they spend there money is up to them. Sorry not every guest is going to make your wedding their #1 priority, but it happens. You will have plenty of people there to celebrate for you and I'm sure they will still be happy for you.

Let it go

easilyunamused · May 2013

In Response to Re: Is it bad etiquette to call my aunt out:
[QUOTE]I get that your feelings are hurt. But what purpose will it serve to call her out? If you do that, she'll most likely think "well I'm glad I'm not wasting my vacation time/money on that Bridezilla." She isn't going to change her mind, so guilt tripping her will only make her feel justified in her decision.
Posted by daria24[/QUOTE]

So when someone hurts or offends you, you are n't allowed to say anything about it? That makes no sense to me.

If my actions hurt someone, I'd like to know about it. I wouldn't be guilt tripping her. If she doesn't go, thats not going to change the fact that I love her and she's my Aunt. But I would want her to know that I am disappointed.

lyndausvi · May 2013

I didn't know going on a vacation with one's daughter was bad behavior?

I get being disappointed. I even think it's okay to say "I'm really disppointed you are not going to be there on my wedding day". Outside of that you need to leave it be.

\Do you even know the nature of the CA trip?

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2013

First of all, it is not even remotely 'bad etiquette' on your aunt's part. You can't call her out for something she didn't do. Second of all, you're allowed to tell people they hurt your feelings when they actually did something wrong. Choosing a vacation in California over a family wedding in Colorado is not doing anything wrong. It is prioritising time and money spent. Third, if you feel like you MUST address this, and it seems like you do from your multiple posts, then have your mother say to her sister, 'Bride is very said you and your children will miss her wedding.' Then your mother is doing the guilttripping you want done. Please understand that if you do this, your aunt will think you're a spoiled brat, a Bridezilla, and whiny. You cannot make other people care about your wedding as much as you care, or as much as you want them to care. Your wedding will never matter to anyone as much a it matters to you and your FI. ETA: Fix autocorrect fails because the iPhone has a mind of its own.

daria24 · May 2013

In Response to Re: Is it bad etiquette to call my aunt out:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it bad etiquette to call my aunt out : So when someone hurts or offends you, you are n't allowed to say anything about it? That makes no sense to me. If my actions hurt someone, I'd like to know about it. I wouldn't be guilt tripping her. If she doesn't go, thats not going to change the fact that I love her and she's my Aunt. But I would want her to know that I am disappointed.
Posted by Bmarie1316[/QUOTE]

When someone hurts or offends me, I think "if I confront them about this, what is the outcome I want? And will confronting them bring about that outcome." If my H makes a comment that hurts my feelings, yes I say something, so that he can understand why my feelings are hurt and hopefully not do it again. If someone declines an invitation, confronting them isn't going to change their minds. It's just going to make them think "wow dodged a bullet there-it's an invitations not a summons."

AddieCake · May 2013

You have no business confronting your aunt about this. Will you feel better if you guilt her into finding a way to go? Honestly?

loca4pook · May 2013

In Response to Is it bad etiquette to call my aunt out:
[QUOTE]on her bad behavior? I have a small immediate family. Mom, bro, aunt and 2 cousins. GPs are passed, and my Mom has a long term BF. That is it. Me and the FI are having our wedding in Colorado, in his hometown. My family is in MI. It seemed more logical for my family and close MI friends to go to CO, because he has a large family, and we have a lot of friends in CO as well. So I call my Aunt, to ask her her plans for travel and such. She informs me that her and my 2 cousins might not make it because of $$. Which is understandable for my older cousin, because she has a baby and is in school full time. But for my other cousin and my Aunt makes no sense. They have known about the CO wedding now for 9 months. If it was a priority, they could have been saving the $$. This is where I feel like I should say something. After I tell her I understand the cost, and that I really hope her situation changes, she proceeds to tell me about her upcoming TRIP to CALIFORNIA! With my COUSIN! (not the one with the baby) I was so, so mad. But I didn't say anything. If it turns out that she doesn't come, am I allowed to say to her "Maybe you should have saved the $$ from the CA trip to make it to my wedding instead"? Or should I just leave it alone?
Posted by Bmarie1316[/QUOTE]

Trust me, I get the "hurt feelings" you are feeling no, but no, you cannot call her on it. It actually won't help anyhow. I am sorry you are going this. Trust me, I understand the pain of a decline from someone you care about, but you just have to let it go

Ambybambi1125 · May 2013

When you chose to have your wedding out of state you have to assume it will make it more difficult even for family to attend. It's too bad that she can't make it, but you need to get over this and not take it personally. Traveling for a wedding can be a huge expense for people. A few of my dear cousins can't make my wedding because of the sport they are in, I understand that these things happen and am not bothered by it in the least.

QueerFemme · May 2013

In Response to Is it bad etiquette to call my aunt out:
[QUOTE]on her bad behavior? I have a small immediate family. Mom, bro, aunt and 2 cousins. GPs are passed, and my Mom has a long term BF. That is it. Me and the FI are having our wedding in Colorado, in his hometown. My family is in MI. It seemed more logical for my family and close MI friends to go to CO, because he has a large family, and we have a lot of friends in CO as well. So I call my Aunt, to ask her her plans for travel and such. She informs me that her and my 2 cousins might not make it because of $$. Which is understandable for my older cousin, because she has a baby and is in school full time. But for my other cousin and my Aunt makes no sense. They have known about the CO wedding now for 9 months. If it was a priority, they could have been saving the $$. This is where I feel like I should say something. After I tell her I understand the cost, and that I really hope her situation changes, she proceeds to tell me about her upcoming TRIP to CALIFORNIA! With my COUSIN! (not the one with the baby) I was so, so mad. But I didn't say anything. If it turns out that she doesn't come, am I allowed to say to her "Maybe you should have saved the $$ from the CA trip to make it to my wedding instead"? Or should I just leave it alone?
Posted by Bmarie1316[/QUOTE]

Leave it alone. Your wedding isn't more important than her Californian vacation. To imply that people should spend their vacation money to get your wedding is totally ridiculous.

QueerFemme · May 2013

In Response to Re: Is it bad etiquette to call my aunt out:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it bad etiquette to call my aunt out : So when someone hurts or offends you, you are n't allowed to say anything about it? That makes no sense to me. If my actions hurt someone, I'd like to know about it. I wouldn't be guilt tripping her. If she doesn't go, thats not going to change the fact that I love her and she's my Aunt. But I would want her to know that I am disappointed.
Posted by Bmarie1316[/QUOTE]

If she actually DID something that was offensive or hurtful, then sure, you could tell her. But, she didn't. You are butthurt that your wedding isn't a priority to her. That isn't offensive or hurtful. You are just dissapointed that she didn't make your wedding a priority over her vacation. That is YOUR issue, not hers.

s-aries8990 · May 2013

Your aunt isn't wrong here, you are for assuming your nuptials are more important than other aspects of her life. Let it go and enjoy those who are there

freebread03 · May 2013

I'm sorry, but why WOULD you be her priority? You're not her daughter. Actually, she's taking a trip WITH her daughter. You seem majory entitled and it seems like you have an inflated sense of importance, thinking that people should prioritize spending a significant sum of money on you, rather than their own plans. That may sound harsh, but go back and read what you wrote.

ETA: Can we talk about what the heck you think her bad behavior is? Let's see-you think that because she doesn't want to spend hundreds (probably over one thousand) dollars on flight, hotel, rental car, and other expenses, to go to a destination wedding (and is choosing to spend this money on a trip with her daughter) she is exhibiting bad behavior? Really? You must be really really sensitive.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

I agree with everyone else. No one has to go to your wedding. And you can't be mad if people don't go for whatever reason. To travel to a destination they didn't choose for your wedding? That's an awful lot to ask of someone. We didn't travel to a wedding once just because we didn't want to. And we didn't feel bad at all. You can't expect 100% attendance even if people are "technically able" to come.

monkeysip · May 2013

I agree with PPs. Vacations, especially with your daughter, are important. And some people can only afford the cost/vacation time once a year, or maybe only once every few years. If someone has the opportunity for that, I wouldn't blame them for choosing that over flying to someone's wedding.

Be disappointed that she's not coming, but don't be mad AT HER for it.

NOLAbridealmost · May 2013

It is HORRIBLE etiquette to tell someone you're upset that they've declined your wedding. Period.

easilyunamused · May 2013

Ok I get it, majority rules that I can't say anything. But I can secretly fume and be disappointed that my family won't be at my wedding.

I actually have a lot of friends who can not make it from MI either. And I get it, I am not mad. I just expected a little more from my Aunt.

And for all of you saying that it can be "bratty" or "bridezilla" like to be upset about a situation that is affecting me, I am sure that either you have had, or will have a moment as well. No need to be all judgey.

Thanks for the input tho, I did ask for it:)

daria24 · May 2013

In Response to Re:Is it bad etiquette to call my aunt out:[QUOTE]Daria, here is the problem.nbsp; The aunt did not create the problem.nbsp; OP created the problem and can not accept her role in it.nbsp; Yes, I understand you can not have your wedding at both your fianceacute;'s home and your home.nbsp; But to put blame on people who wont come is wrong.nbsp; Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE] I don't understand your response. I said there was no point in confronting the aunt. I didn't mean to imply the aunt did anything wrong. And that confronting her about it would just reinforce her decision, hardly the outcome OP is hoping for.

NOLAbridealmost · May 2013

In Response to Re: Is it bad etiquette to call my aunt out:
[QUOTE]Ok I get it, majority rules that I can't say anything. But I can secretly fume and be disappointed that my family won't be at my wedding. I actually have a lot of friends who can not make it from MI either. And I get it, I am not mad. I just expected a little more from my Aunt. And for all of you saying that it can be "bratty" or "bridezilla" like to be upset about a situation that is affecting me, I am sure that either you have had, or will have a moment as well. No need to be all judgey. Thanks for the input tho, I did ask for it:)
Posted by Bmarie1316[/QUOTE]

Be as mad or upset as you want....I just don't see that going better for you that letting it go. Why waste the energy being upset?

daveANDkristen · May 2013

I don't think anyone's accusing you of being bridezilla or bratty for being upset about it, only if you confront your aunt about it. I totally do understand why you are disappointed or even hurt, given that you have a close relationship with her. I just don't think it would be productive.

winelover123 · May 2013

In Response to Re: Is it bad etiquette to call my aunt out:
[QUOTE]Ok I get it, majority rules that I can't say anything. But I can secretly fume and be disappointed that my family won't be at my wedding. I actually have a lot of friends who can not make it from MI either. And I get it, I am not mad. I just expected a little more from my Aunt. And for all of you saying that it can be "bratty" or "bridezilla" like to be upset about a situation that is affecting me, I am sure that either you have had, or will have a moment as well. No need to be all judgey. Thanks for the input tho, I did ask for it:)
Posted by Bmarie1316[/QUOTE]

Sure, you can secretly be upset that your aunt isn't coming. I had my cousin, a BM, drop out of my wedding and tell me she isn't coming because of a football game. Yes, I was upset. Yes, I fumed to FI about it. Yes, the rest of my family is side-eyeing the hell out of it. No, I never once considered confronting her about it. All I said was, "I'm sorry to hear that. If you change your mind, we will love to have you."

You're bordering the bridezilla line by confronting your aunt and telling her how hurt your feels are that she chose to take a vacation rather than go to your wedding. That's why your behavior is being called bratty, not that you are upset that someone important to you cannot make it.

kerbohl · May 2013

In Response to Re: Is it bad etiquette to call my aunt out:
[QUOTE]Ok I get it, majority rules that I can't say anything. But I can secretly fume and be disappointed that my family won't be at my wedding. I actually have a lot of friends who can not make it from MI either. And I get it, I am not mad. I just expected a little more from my Aunt. And for all of you saying that it can be "bratty" or "bridezilla" like to be upset about a situation that is affecting me, I am sure that either you have had, or will have a moment as well. No need to be all judgey. Thanks for the input tho, I did ask for it:)
Posted by Bmarie1316[/QUOTE]

I see this more often - there was actually a post somewhere talking about the overuse of the term "bridezilla" and how unnecessary and judgemental it is. It's perfectly fine and not bratty or bridezilla-y to be upset about something. But hurting your aunt because she hurt you by declining your wedding invite would be inappropriate. Try not to assume the worst - I hope that your aunt didn't mean to hurt you. If you approach it from that way, you might feel a bit less hurt. It might not be a slight on you and a sign that she doesn't care about you, but it is just where your mind went when you heard that she wasn't coming.

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