Taking (or not taking) FI's last name

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2013

Has anyone else been asked the question, "So are you taking his last name?"? I've gotten it a bunch of times, from everyone from FI's grandmother to a former co-worker I bumped into in the grocery store.

At first, I was just kind of flummoxed by the question and answered it thinking, "Why on EARTH are you asking me this?" But lately, I've been wary of answering it. If I say yes, I get told, "Well, it's good that you are. It's confusing for teachers if you don't and your kids have a different last name." (Because there are NO blended/step-families in the world where Mom has re-married and has a different last name than her kids...) or "Well, if you didn't, it means you don't love him." OR I get the ultra-feminists who say, "You're playing into a patriarchal system that treats women as property and you're giving up your identity by doing it and you're setting feminism back decades by being so selfish."

Why can't people who DON'T want to take their DH's name, for whatever reason, respect those who do?

monkeysip · May 2013

Yup, I hear judgment going both ways.

I think it's a completely personal decision. I would never judge someone either way.

For the record, I am taking FI's name.

winelover123 · May 2013

I'm taking FI's last name. I don't consider myself his property one bit - I've just always seen myself taking my husband's last name. I actually haven't had this question more than once - my mom just asked me if I was hyphenating. I told her it would be too damned long if I did that!

My initials get to stay the same anyways so I'm happy about that

ETA: I don't really understand why people judge one way or another.

smalfrie19 · May 2013

Me too! For romantic and personal reasons. I LOVE my FI more than words (as I am sure we all do) and I am completely thrilled to take his name

Also, I am the ONLY person (including my bio dad and my half-brother) who has my bio dad's last name. I really have no desire to be associated with it any longer.

Peaseblossom55 · May 2013

I haven't been asked what I am doing by anyone. I plan to take FI's last name I like it and I'm a bit traditional. I wouldn't judge anyone for taking or not taking their FI's last name though.

daria24 · May 2013

I've had people ask but no one has judged the answer. I didn't change diddly.

tlc35 · May 2013

I have had a few people ask. I am not taking his last name mostly for professional reasons. Part of me would like to and I certainly wouldn't judge those who do so.

OjitosVerdes · May 2013

I haven't been asked, although I work in an environment (where I met most of my close friends) where it would be unusual for a woman to take her husband's name, and I would probably be judged for doing so.

I agree that judgement is annoying - regardless of what side you're arguing - it is a very personal decision.

For personal reasons, I am keeping my last name.

WinstonsGirl · May 2013

People have asked me, but it's been out of curiosity, and I haven't heard any judgement in their questions. I kept mine, partially for professional reasons, partially cos DH is from Chile, and that's how it's done down there (both parents pass their name to kids) and partially cos DH didn't really care.

nextrightthing · May 2013

I don't care what people do at all. I'd like to keep my name for professional reasons (professional license and degrees, reputation, etc.), but I'd also like to have his last name because I like it, he would like it, and I'm sort of traditional. So long story short, I don't know what i'm going to do. I may keep my name professionally and use his socially. Not sure on the legality of that yet.

Also, I'm an ultra-feminist. And what Hoorayforsoup said.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2013

In Response to Re: Taking (or not taking) FI's last name:
[QUOTE]I don't care what people do at all. I'd like to keep my name for professional reasons (professional license and degrees, reputation, etc.), but I'd also like to have his last name because I like it, he would like it, and I'm sort of traditional. So long story short, I don't know what i'm going to do. I may keep my name professionally and use his socially. Not sure on the legality of that yet. Also, I'm an ultra-feminist. And what Hoorayforsoup said.
Posted by nextrightthing[/QUOTE]

FWIW, you can keep your (legal) name professionally and legally but go by his name socially. I have a friend who did that. Professionally, she is Ms. Jane Doe, but socially (as in, this is how I addressed their STDate) she is Mrs. HisLastName. Most places will require you to use your legal name professionally.

Since I keep getting asked about it, and I've written extensively and won awards under my maiden name, I've looked into this. Obvs.

nextrightthing · May 2013

Actually, I'm mainly considering keeping it for the syllable count.

Thanks for the info.

OjitosVerdes · May 2013

In Response to Re: Taking (or not taking) FI's last name:
[QUOTE]In Response to Taking (or not taking) FI's last name : I am a feminist, but that has nothing to do with why I'm keeping my name. I'm keeping my name because it's my name and I like it. However I don't see how having my father's last name instead of my husband's is some great statement against the patriarchy.
Posted by HoorayForSoup[/QUOTE]

I agree with this ... kind of ... and was going to bring it up earlier, but quite honestly was too tired to delve into this. You are right that keeping our fathers' last names isn't inherently feminist. However we didn't have the choice as to what last name we were given when we were born. Now that I'm getting married, I do have the choice as to whether or not to change my name, and I do feel that keeping my given last name instead of taking my husband's is a way of not perpetuating patriarchial standards.

ETS: The most fair way to handle the last name issue, IMHO, would for FI and I to take a third name that we chose together. Neither of us really wants to do that, so we're keeping our original last names which we're known by professionally.

MuppetFan · May 2013

I currently have my ex's last name still and am eager to change it. I also want to take FI's last name, perhaps because I'm traditional about it. I don't judge anyone who keeps their last name. My best friend is a doctor and kept her last name for that reason. The only reason it annoyed me is because she said she was taking his name up until her wedding day and I had a custom sign made for her house as part of her wedding present saying "XXX family est 2011" but I otherwise don't care.

SKPM · May 2013

In Response to Re:Taking or not taking FI's last name:[QUOTE]Me too! For romantic and personal reasons. I LOVE my FI more than words as I am sure we all do and I am completely thrilled to take his name

Also, I am the ONLY person including my bio dad and my halfbrother who has my bio dad's last name. I really have no desire to be associated with it any longer.nbsp; Posted by smalfrie19[/QUOTE] This mentality bothers me. I didn't change my name, but that has ZERO reflection on how much I love my husband. I know you don't mean it maliciously, but saying you'll change your name because you love your FI SO MUCH sounds pretty degrading to others who opted not to change.

StephJean83 · May 2013

In Response to Re:Taking or not taking FI's last name:[QUOTE]I will not get into most of them, but my coworker takes the cake. nbsp;She does not get why anyone would not want to change their name and said she cannot wait until she gets married so she can change her last name. nbsp;I would get this if she had a bad relationship with her dad, but she does not. nbsp;It just goes with another reason why she is crazy. Posted by snippet17[/QUOTE] I hate my maiden name and it has nothing to do with my dad but rather how my dad got his name. He was adopted by his stepfather who was a piece of sh!t, put thing it nicely. Though my dad thought of changing it over the years, he and my mom could never agree what to change out to, his bio dad's last name or my mom's maiden name. I had thought that around my 30th birthday, if it didn't look like I would be or wasn't married, I was going to change it to either my mom's maiden or my dad's original last name. Some times there is more to not liking the name than just the parents who gave it to someone. Now she could be fifty two shades of BSC and that's why she can't imagine people not changing their name but I'm sure people said stuff similar about me when I said I would take his name unless it was long and than I was taking one of my parents' original last names.

allychase · May 2013

In Response to Re:Taking or not taking FI's last name:[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Taking or not taking FI's last name:Me too! For romantic and personal reasons. I LOVE my FI more than words as I am sure we all do and I am completely thrilled to take his name

Also, I am the ONLY person including my bio dad and my halfbrother who has my bio dad's last name. I really have no desire to be associated with it any longer.nbsp; Posted by smalfrie19 This mentality bothers me. I didn't change my name, but that has ZERO reflection on how much I love my husband. I know you don't mean it maliciously, but saying you'll change your name because you love your FI SO MUCH sounds pretty degrading to others who opted not to change. Posted by SKPM[/QUOTE] Oh please. That's just HER reasoning. You know she didn't mean "if you don't take your FI last name that means you hate him" I get what she meant. She loves him and she's excited to take his name. It's only degrading if you choose to see it that way.

MoonlightSilver · May 2013

I took H's name and added it to mine; he took my name and added it to his. You should hear the comments we get about a MAN changing his name.

wittykitty14 · May 2013

In Response to Re: Taking (or not taking) FI's last name:
[QUOTE]I took H's name and added it to mine; he took my name and added it to his. You should hear the comments we get about a MAN changing his name.
Posted by MoonlightSilver[/QUOTE]

I know what you mean! I've known a few people that combined their names, which I think is really neat. I know a couple who took each others names, completely. Wife took husbands last name, and the husband took his wife's last name. They just wanted to swap. People thought they were nuts, but I thought it was cool!

Peledreamsofrain · May 2013

Post removed due to GBCK

laradoll · May 2013

I'm keeping my name

Honestly hardly anyone has asked me - apart from a few older relatives.

I love FI but I love my name and it's mine. I'm keeping it

BostonGIrl4732 · May 2013

I have personal issues with my name. I can't wait to drop it!

harper0813 · May 2013

I have no idea what I'm going to do with my last name yet. I still have another three months to decide...

What's driving me crazy is that my dad is OBSESSED with it. He has no opinion in the matter, but he asks me weekly what my new name will be, and I tell him every time that I won't decide for a couple more months.

But my mom is offended at the thought of me NOT taking FI's last name, because she took my dad's last name and that it would essentially be a jab at her not being "feminist" enough. She did the same thing with me not wanting to marry in a Catholic church because neither FI and I are practicing Catholics and the words in our ceremony wouldn't feel honest - to which she replied, "So you think my marriage to your father is a lie?" Cue eyeroll.

I've gotten judged by both sides - people who think women should take their husbands' names and people who think women's shouldn't. It's equally as annoying. I mean, what does it even matter? It's my name, not yours. All you have to do is address the letters you NEVER write to me slightly differently and recognize a new name on Facebook. But considering I'm usually the only Zoë people know, that shouldn't be too difficult.

Jessa617 · May 2013

I changed it because I'm traditional like that. I want to have the same name as my husband. My father was surprised I changed it because I went and got a tattoo of my family coat of arms with my maiden name on my shoulder. I explained the reason I got the tattoo was because I was changing my name. My birthday just passed, and he put my maiden name on the check he sent me. I'll let it goonly because it's so close to the wedding.

I don't judge anyone that keeps their name, changes it or hyphenates it. It really is just a personal preference. A lot of people are hyphenating these days and I think most people just automatically assumed I was going to hyphenate so nobody really asked me what I was doing.

jemmini6 · May 2013

I hate people being so judgy about things that have absolutely no affect on them whatsoever. Who cares what someone else decides to do with their name? It's a personal decision that only you can make, there is no right or wrong answer.

Prior to our wedding, I had a few people ask me if I was taking H's name or not, but they only asked because they wanted to be sure they addressed our wedding cards correctly.

QueerFemme · May 2013

I got ridiculous crazy drama when I decided to change my name. As a feminist and a queer in a butch/femme relationship, some of my friends flipped their sh!t about how we were buying into the heterosexist, patriarchal ways to conduct a relationship.

I didn't really care what they thought, and honestly, the reason I changed my name was I pretty much despise my family, and it was a free and easy way to change my last name. Before I met my partner, I was considering changing my last name to like, Smith, or Jones or something somewhat generic. When we decided to get married, it just seemed like an easier, logical choice.

The part that I think I'm dumb about now though, is that I still have a lot of stuff that include various versions of names that include my old last name, including my user name here! So I still don't escape it. Every once in a while I consider starting new accounts at places, but then I decide I don't have the energy to do it.

QueerFemme · May 2013

In Response to Re: Taking (or not taking) FI's last name:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Taking (or not taking) FI's last name : Am I the only one who would think that a same-sex couple following traditional hetero "norms" is actually MORE revolutionary and a bigger statement? Not that I would consider that to be a compelling argument to do so, but I just feel like it's a great example of "we're just like you and our marriage is just like yours" in a way that some ultra femenist diatribe about patriarchy could never be.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I actually do agree with you. There are a lot of people that didn't think our marriage was "real" because we don't live in a same sex marriage state. So, we are only registered as domestic partners. When I decided to change my name, it was like straight people gave us more respect and treated our relationship as more valid.

it totally pissed me off, because someone how were less valid before that. And at the same time, it may help move the dicussion/acceptance along.

smalfrie19 · May 2013

allychase said:

In Response to Re:Taking or not taking FI's last name:[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Taking or not taking FI's last name:Me too! For romantic and personal reasons. I LOVE my FI more than words as I am sure we all do and I am completely thrilled to take his name Also, I am the ONLY person including my bio dad and my halfbrother who has my bio dad's last name. I really have no desire to be associated with it any longer.nbsp; Posted by smalfrie19 This mentality bothers me. I didn't change my name, but that has ZERO reflection on how much I love my husband. I know you don't mean it maliciously, but saying you'll change your name because you love your FI SO MUCH sounds pretty degrading to others who opted not to change. Posted by SKPM[/QUOTE] Oh please. That's just HER reasoning. You know she didn't mean "if you don't take your FI last name that means you hate him" I get what she meant. She loves him and she's excited to take his name. It's only degrading if you choose to see it that way.

Thanks @allychase

MissMolly · May 2013

OP, I've gotten the same thing. I plan to hyphenate, which will make my current 11-character surname go to 21 character with the hypen. Lots of people seem really happy/proud that I plan on doing this, and I've gotten some pretty awful comments as well. My former best friend who broke up with me through text message, stated that to be 100% committed in the relationship, and to be a strong team, I needed to take FH's surname. Personally, I think that commitment feeling comes from something deeper than a surname, but that's just me.

My main reasoning: I've been a "MySurname" for 35 years, and that is who I am. I have a German heritage, and am proud of that heritage. I love my surname and see no reason to entirely change it to something of a different heritage.

PrettyGirlLost · May 2013

Yeah, I have gotten looks and comments from family members and friends when they ask and I tell them, "No, I'm not changing my last name. I have discussed it with FI and he doesn't care."

One said to me, "Oh well, at least you are getting married."

Yeesh!

I'm not taking FI's last name because
#1. He doesn't really care.
#2. I am a co-author on several published and pending journal publications, and legally changing my name would "separate" me from my previous authorship in PubMed and other searches.
#3. I really like my last name. It's not common and after years and years of people butchering it, you'd think I'd want to change it. But for some reason I feel the opposite way about it.
#4. I don't like the way my 1st name and FI's last name sounds together- lame and superficial, but that's the way it is.

Legally I'm keeping my name, but socially I don't really care too much if people refer to me as Mrs. FI-Last-Name.

StephJean83 · May 2013

TXKristan said:
I had a former coworker who realllllly wanted to take his wife's last name, but she wouldn't let him. So, when they got back from their HM, we got him a cake that said "Congrats, Mr. (bride's maiden name)"

I took DH's name just because I had always planned to do so. I posted about this earlier, but I did go through the court order to drop my legal first name and make my new name Kristan (maiden name) (last name). DH's SIL kept her maiden name for professional reasons, and their kid doesn't seem to be too confused by it.

My dad's mom was married 3 times and had children from the first two. Her second husband adopted my dad and aunt so when they had children all of them would have the same last name. After her second marriage ended she was single for many years and after my parents were married she remarried and took her husband's last name. After that marriage ended she changed her name back to her second husband's last name because that is what her children's name was and she figured it would be easier for her children to have the same name as her, especially the few who were still in school.

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