Is it bad etiquette to call my aunt out

msuprincess04 · May 2013

In Response to Is it bad etiquette to call my aunt out:
[QUOTE] If it was a priority...
Posted by Bmarie1316[/QUOTE]

This was your first mistake. We tell everyone that a wedding is the most important thing in the world to the bride and groom. And not necessarily to the rest of the world.

She'd rather go on vacation than go to Colorado for a wedding. That's ok, those are her priorities. You don't get to dictate how she spends her money, and she hasn't done anything wrong to get called out for.

Move on. And have a great wedding without her and your cousin (if it comes to that.)

heathertims · May 2013

I was on the other side of this last year.

2 cousins getting married. Ella's was 9 hours away. Cindy's was 6 hours away. Within 2 months of each other. I only had a week's vacation.

I was closer with Ella, offered to be her Makeup artist and went to her wedding. I hardly ever see Cindy (have seen her more since she got engaged conveniently) quite frankly, didnt want to go. I didn't want to use my vacation to schlep there, and didnt want to take unpaid days off work. So i didnt go. I got hell from the rest of my family, but hey, thats how the cookie crumbles.
She still hasnt RSVPed to my wedding, but my feelings wont be hurt if she doesnt come. In fact, im kinda expecting that.

In the end, for whatever reason, their vacation is more important to them. You are allowed to have hurt feelings, but it would be mighty awkward to tell them such. Let it go.

easilyunamused · May 2013

heathertims said:

I was on the other side of this last year.
2 cousins getting married. Ella's was 9 hours away. Cindy's was 6 hours away. Within 2 months of each other. I only had a week's vacation.
I was closer with Ella, offered to be her Makeup artist and went to her wedding. I hardly ever see Cindy (have seen her more since she got engaged conveniently) quite frankly, didnt want to go. I didn't want to use my vacation to schlep there, and didnt want to take unpaid days off work. So i didnt go. I got hell from the rest of my family, but hey, thats how the cookie crumbles.
She still hasnt RSVPed to my wedding, but my feelings wont be hurt if she doesnt come. In fact, im kinda expecting that.

In the end, for whatever reason, their vacation is more important to them. You are allowed to have hurt feelings, but it would be mighty awkward to tell them such. Let it go.

Yeah I understand, I couldn't make it to a lot of my friends and families weddings because I live in Hawaii and the cost of traveling is insane. I guess my choice of words was incorrect. "Calling someone out" sounds more harsh than what I meant. I'll get over it, the people who want to be there will make my wedding, and the people who decide not to go will not break it.

MOB060813 · May 2013

Leave it alone- an invitation should never be confused with an obligation.

wrigleyville · May 2013

If I only had enough money and/or vacation time for one vacation, I'd go to CA with my daughter instead of my niece's wedding in CO. It wouldn't be an easy decision for me, and it might not have been easy for her to make that decision either. Maybe she's struggling with it too.

You say she had nine months to save up, but you don't know her financial situation. Maybe she saved up nine months' worth of funds to go to CA with her daughter.

I'm sure it hurts, but daughter > niece, and you have to accept that. Perhaps you can suggest getting together for a nice dinner after her vacation and your honeymoon, and you can share wedding and vacation pictures while you talk and enjoy drinks? I bet she'd enjoy that. I have a few relatives who can't make it, and we're already planning to hang out after we get back from our honeymoon.

easilyunamused · May 2013

wrigleyville said:

If I only had enough money and/or vacation time for one vacation, I'd go to CA with my daughter instead of my niece's wedding in CO. It wouldn't be an easy decision for me, and it might not have been easy for her to make that decision either. Maybe she's struggling with it too.

You say she had nine months to save up, but you don't know her financial situation. Maybe she saved up nine months' worth of funds to go to CA with her daughter.

I'm sure it hurts, but daughter > niece, and you have to accept that. Perhaps you can suggest getting together for a nice dinner after her vacation and your honeymoon, and you can share wedding and vacation pictures while you talk and enjoy drinks? I bet she'd enjoy that. I have a few relatives who can't make it, and we're already planning to hang out after we get back from our honeymoon.

I actually do know her financial situation, but I don't factor that in because it's a long standing family feud between my mom and her.

I wish I could just have dinner with her, but I live in Hawaii. I will be in MI the weekend before my wedding for my bachelorette party, but its only for 2 days. I have no idea when I'll be back after that.

tinambride · May 2013

I understand why you're so hurt. None of us know anything about your relationship with your aunt so it is hard to have a perspective on this. If my mom or my sister could not come to my wedding I would definitely be hurt. If you're that close to your aunt I definitely understand the hurt feelings.

That being said, there isn't a lot you really can say. Definitely acknowledge that you're disappointed and they will be missed. Perhaps you can plan a dinner in MI with the family either before or after the wedding. This way you can have everyone that's close to you together to celebrate one night.

RamonaFlowers · May 2013

Bmarie1316 said:

I actually do know her financial situation, but I don't factor that in because it's a long standing family feud between my mom and her.

I wish I could just have dinner with her, but I live in Hawaii. I will be in MI the weekend before my wedding for my bachelorette party, but its only for 2 days. I have no idea when I'll be back after that.

No, you don't. Unless you are in her house with her going over her bills every single month with her, there is no way in hell you actually "know her financial situation". You might have an idea as to x or y because of q or z, but you most certainly do NOT "know" 100% for sure where her finances stand.

She's about to become a grandmother, among other things. Sorry, but her own children trump you, and that includes choosing to take a vacation with her daughter instead of attending your wedding. I'm sorry that in 29 years you've never had to deal with a family member prioritizing something over you, but these things happen. Maybe it's because I'm one of five children, maybe it's because I have 12 first cousins, but it's never dawned on me that anything I do (Including getting married) is sooooooooo important that everyone in my family should drop everything to be there for it.

courtski2004 · May 2013

Bmarie1316 said:
I actually do know her financial situation, but I don't factor that in because it's a long standing family feud between my mom and her.

Ok, so maybe she would feel uncomfortable being there around her sister due to the feud and would rather not put herself in that position fearing that her presence would cause a scene or unnecessary tension. Is that not a good enough reason?

Telling her that she'll be missed and you wish she could make it would be expressing your feelings--why make her feel worse about a situation that she probably feels bad about already? Just so YOU feel better about it? That's a pretty shitty way to go about it. It seems that you really do like your Aunt a lot, so don't die on this hill.

NerdyLucy · May 2013

sydaries said:

Your aunt isn't wrong here, you are for assuming your nuptials are more important than other aspects of her life. Let it go and enjoy those who are there

Agreed. You have the right to be disappointed that she can't come, but she has the right to decline.

wrigleyville · May 2013

It doesn't matter if you think you know her situation or not. That's not the point. The point is some people, no matter how close they are, don't want to use vacation time and money for weddings, especially if that time/money is limited.

We had to miss a lot of weddings when we both had two weeks' of vacation time every year; we used those two weeks to visit my family and his during Christmas and New Years. It doesn't mean we loved our friends/family any less; we just refused to make them a priority over our parents and siblings. We felt bad about it, but that would have changed to anger pretty quickly if they'd told me I'd done something wrong by choosing close family over them. A couple of them did tell me they were hurt, but it was more like, "I'm bummed you can't be there to see us get married, but we understand." That's perfectly fine. If they'd said, "I'm so hurt you aren't coming. I thought we were close. You knew about this for nine months," I would have been ticked.

hordol · May 2013

I get why you're upset, I would be upset if my aunt couldn't make it, either. Just try to remind yourself that she declined for a reason. It probably wasn't something like, "meh, I'd rather go to cali." (or maybe it was, I don't know your relationship with your aunt.) She might have already had plans for this vacation and couldn't work in your wedding. I'm sure she thought about ways to make it work out, but it just couldn't.

You will inevitably have people who can't make your wedding. MI to CO is quite the distance. Don't take it so personally. No, I wouldn't say anything to her because, assuming you guys are somewhat close, she probably already feels bad that she can't work it out. No need to rub it in. If she doesn't feel bad about it, then just realize that you probably weren't as close to her as you thought, and you shouldn't expect people who aren't that close to you to travel so far for a wedding.

Is it bad etiquette to call my aunt out

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