Fiance's mom's guests

hlvonb · May 2013

So here is the long story shortened...

We asked my fiance's mom for addresses for some people on her side of the family which she gave us. That turned into a discussion about guest list in general and she's like we have to add this person. My fiance asked who that was and she said its the principal at the school she works at. She wants to add her co-workers all of a sudden and it doesnt sit right with me because she blind sided us with it and didnt even ask if she could. She just said she gets to because its her sons wedding (which yes it is her son's wedding). It doesnt sit well with me though because my parents are paying for the entire reception as well as anything thats been bought or booked for the wedding so far and we have a tight budget to stick to which she is more than well aware of. Plus my parents will probably end up paying for 100% of the wedding just because of the vast financial differences between the 2 families.

How do I handle this because honestly the guest list does not allow for anyone to be added to it since we have pretty much reached our max?

kerbohl · May 2013

PP is right. You might have to end up having your FI tell her politely that there is just no room for more people over a set number. And I don't know if this could apply for you, but for my guest list I have a rule that if my FI or I don't personally know this person (aside from SOs), they are not invited. I don't understand why people would want to come to a wedding when they don't even know the bride and groom, even if they know the parents, so I figure that is good reason to cut down the guest list, especially since there are family members I can't invite that I do know and love. If your FI doesn't know these co-workers, would he really want them at his wedding for the awkward conversation of "Congrats on your wedding, I'm loving this reception!" - "Thanks! And you are . . ."

annmarie714 · May 2013

I don't understand the thought of going to a random person's wedding..I wouldn't want to go to a co-worker's kid's wedding simply because I work with their parents.

If H or I never met you, you didn't get invited. Period. End of story.

AddieCake · May 2013

annmarie714 said:

I don't understand the thought of going to a random person's wedding..I wouldn't want to go to a co-worker's kid's wedding simply because I work with their parents.

If H or I never met you, you didn't get invited. Period. End of story.

This. I'm always baffled by these scenarios as well.

TiaTea · May 2013

Nicely explain to her that you will only invite people with whom you socialize, who are and will be in your ( as in you and FI ) lives.
Show empathy - she is excited over her son's wedding. She probably wants to share her joy with the whole world. But while she is excited, people who don't know, you, like her coworkers , can not possibly be excited about the two of you getting together.

kmmssg · May 2013

Ditto kindasparkly. I'm a MOB and I do NOT understand inviting random people to weddings. I only ask my girls to invite 2 couples who are my dearest friends. My girls still have relationships with these couples and that is why I ask that they are invited. If they weren't involved with my girls I would never think of asking.

Where is FI in all of this? What does he think of his mother's attitude?

allispain · May 2013

Since you were already asking her for addresses, does that mean the guest list had already been finalized before she started tacking more people on? If so, then I would have FI talk to his mom and explain that the guest list is already finalized, plans have been made based on the number of people on it, and unfortunately no one else can be added to the list.

If it hasn't been finalized, then certainly sit down with FI and see how he feels - obviously he didn't know who the principal was, but does he know some of her other co-workers and wouldn't mind having them there? Can you give her a small number of invites she can use for her own friends/co-workers? My mom had a whole bunch of long-time friends she wanted to invite to my wedding. I gave her enough room for 3 plus their husbands. It all worked out just fine, and I happen to have known all of them since I was a kid, so I was happy to accommodate some - just not the 20 spots (10 friends + husbands) she originally wanted...

Loopyseven · May 2013

H and I compiled our guest list and then sent it to our parents and just asked if there was anyone we'd forgotten. My MIL wanted to add one more friend and my parents wanted to add like 6 more couples that are in their church group. We added MIL's friend but vetoed my parents list cause I haven't lived near my parents in 15 years and didn't know these church group friends and our wedding was out of town for all of them.

Have your FI explain to her that your guest list is set and you're not comfortable adding these people that you don't know.

Kate61487 · May 2013

she doesn't "get to" because it's her son's wedding. As PPs have said you have a few options on how to deal with it. You can just say no, period. You can give her X number of seats but specify that your FI, at least, needs to know them. Or you can give her X seats with no restrictions. Regardless of what you decide your FI should be the one to tell her

I also don't understand why some parents want to invite people their kids don't even know. My parents and MIL had friends at our wedding, but they were people H and I have know since childhood individually, and for a few years together b/c after 5 years together we had pretty much met everyone of any significance in each others lives.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

Our personal rule with inviting co-workers was "Do you hang out with them on a regular basis outside of work" that answer determines if they get an invite. If you're not close enough to hang out with them outside of work, why would you invite them to such a personal event.

Jen4948 · May 2013

I agree with PP that FI has to deliver whatever messages she needs to hear.

But if your parents are paying for everything, she should not expect to entertain her co-workers on their dime if they put her share of the guest list over the numbers she was given. The fact that her son is the groom is not relevant here; the fact that she isn't paying is.

hlvonb · May 2013

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and advice. Everything you have said is what I was thinking but I wanted to make sure I wasn't out of line first. My fiance is on board with me and was like "ummm no....". I really appreciate all of the help from everyone.

Fiance's mom's guests

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