Help!

Ahoople

[Deleted User]

Don't share your IL's finances with your mother. It's none of her business just like her finances are none of theirs. Just smile and say, "We've got it covered." and change the subject.

JessAndTrav

I see where you're coming from, and if your FI is asking you to keep it quiet, then I'd probably leave him in charge of dealing with her questions about it.

I'm sure that other people will have a way to word it if you have to say something yourself.

If she says something like, "Hope you've been saving!" I'd probably respond with, "I'm sure we'll be able to make it work!"

JessAndTrav

I do agree with cfas that it's wrong of him to ask you to lie about it though. She makes a valid point.

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-money-and-fiances-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a195e7b7-36da-4c03-b1ba-a9881a079d08Post:627b1ad8-0e5b-4253-92ca-a3798f017006">Re: Help! Money and mother in law</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't share your IL's finances with your mother. It's none of her business just like her finances are none of theirs. Just smile and say, "We've got it covered." and change the subject.
Posted by JordanF13[/QUOTE]

Reading comprehension fail. Her parents are paying. It's her FMIL her FI asked to not tell about the wedding finances. She's not sharing her IL's finances with her mother.

I agree with Cfas on everything else.

QueerFemme

I would absolutely sit FI down and tell him you aren't going to continue to lie to his mother.  And, when your FMIL brings it up again, tell her the truth.  You don't have to give details about who is paying for what and exactly how much, but you can say something like "my parents have been saving for my wedding since I was born, so I think we have all of the expenses covered and now we can just focus on saving for our honeymoon".   Or some variation thereof. 

Ahoople

He never really said to "lie" he more or less said to avoid the topic. (Which I guess is still lying :P)  

You all do make valid points though and I should sit down and talk to him tonight. And Cfa you are correct its over a year until the wedding date there is no way she wont find out.

We have our engagement party in a few weeks and I dont want to be on pins and needles trying to avoid the topic.

achiduck

I can understand that your FI doesn't want to make his mom uncomfortable, but there's no reason for her to be ashamed that they're helping you out. I'd sit your FI down and tell him you're not cool with lying ot his parents and that if they ask it's just better to tell them that your parents are helping out with the costs. There is no need to tell them how much your parents are giving you. Both my Dad and FMIL are helping out, and they both know that each set of parents are helping but they don't know how much (or even a ballpark figure) money was given.

Ahoople

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-money-and-fiances-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a195e7b7-36da-4c03-b1ba-a9881a079d08Post:c107cd38-9121-4282-9da2-681a128fc5cd">Re: Help! Money and mother in law</a>:
[QUOTE]I would absolutely sit FI down and tell him you aren't going to continue to lie to his mother.  And, when your FMIL brings it up again, tell her the truth.  You don't have to give details about who is paying for what and exactly how much, but you can say something like "my parents have been saving for my wedding since I was born, so I think we have all of the expenses covered and now we can just focus on saving for our honeymoon".   Or some variation thereof. 
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

I like that. Thank you.

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-money-and-fiances-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a195e7b7-36da-4c03-b1ba-a9881a079d08Post:52c10154-9927-4827-b06e-9bbc82fd0a64">Re: Help! Money and mother in law</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>He never really said to "lie" he more or less said to avoid the topic</strong>. (Which I guess is still lying :P)   You all do make valid points though and I should sit down and talk to him tonight. And Cfa you are correct its over a year until the wedding date there is no way she wont find out. We have our engagement party in a few weeks and I dont want to be on pins and needles trying to avoid the topic.
Posted by Ahoople[/QUOTE]


Um. Omitting the truth is the same as lying, especially when someone flat out asks you a question.   How much worse will FMIL feel when she finds out in 5 months you have been avoiding having a conversation with her?   

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-money-and-fiances-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a195e7b7-36da-4c03-b1ba-a9881a079d08Post:d66e32ec-2ba2-4695-b06f-8dd38fa84fdf">Re: Help! Money and mother in law</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help! Money and mother in law : Reading comprehension fail. Her parents are paying. It's her FMIL her FI asked to not tell about the wedding finances. She's not sharing her IL's finances with her mother. I agree with Cfas on everything else.
Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]

<div>Whoops, thanks for the heads up! Still waking up.</div>

adamar15

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-money-and-fiances-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a195e7b7-36da-4c03-b1ba-a9881a079d08Post:c05e2651-0cf2-4abb-8a09-66ea51440bbc">Re: Help! Money and mother in law</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help! Money and mother in law : Um. Omitting the truth is the same as lying, especially when someone flat out asks you a question.   How much worse will FMIL feel when she finds out in 5 months you have been avoiding having a conversation with her?   
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

<div>Did you not read the sentence after what you bolded?</div>

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-money-and-fiances-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a195e7b7-36da-4c03-b1ba-a9881a079d08Post:4e619f2c-00ea-412f-aca2-aa6e27dae405">Re: Help! Money and mother in law</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help! Money and mother in law : Did you not read the sentence after what you bolded?
Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]

I did... I sort of thought the smile with the tongue out was somewhat trying to negate it though.   Like, "oh, I know its still sort of lying, but maybe not" kind of thing. 

Kate61487

Ditto PPs - it will definitely come out one way or another so you should just be honest about it, especially since she's asked - it will feel like she's been lied to if and when it finally comes out.  I agree that you don't need to disclose any budget info or any info about your parents' finances, but a simple "my parents are helping out, we've got it all covered" will suffice the next time she asks.

Since "traditionally" it's very common for the bride's parent to pay anyway it might not even be an issue.  If she does express that she's hurt she can't help more perhaps you could suggest other ways she could contribute, with DIYs or something? or simply reassure her that her emotional support is all you need.

kmmssg

3 time MOB here.  When we pay for a wedding it is a gift to our girls.  We don't hand over a check, our gift is the wedding of THEIR vision.  I am at tastings, venues, bakeries, etc because I am signing that contract.  

Don't lie to her or just change the subject.  When it all catches up with you, she will be hurt that it was apparent you were lying to her.  It is fine to let her know this is something your parents started saving for years ago.  As far as her not being in a position to help you, that help doesn't have to be in the form of money.  Time and helping with something can be very meaningful too.  If she offers, find a couple of things you could really involve her in - maybe favors?

You don't have to rub it in her face and you can be very careful with her feelings.  You also don't need to be put in the position of omitting the truth from her.  Have a chat with FI.  I'm sure he was trying to protect his mom's feelings and wasn't intentionally trying to put you in a bad position.  Talk it out.

specialk84

MIL made the assumption that H and I would be paying for our own wedding. Not long after we were engaged and set the date (short engagement), she made a comment about how we were going to have to scrimp and save to pay for it and how we would have to eat nothing but ramen for the next few months. H very politely said, "Mom, K's parents have offered to pay for it. They've been saving for years and are really looking forward to it."

mkrupar

It doesn't really sound like FMIL asked specifically about who's paying for the wedding. It appears she joked about them saving for it. In that case OP, just do what a PP said and tell her it's taken care of. If she asks about it , or seems surprised, then you can explain that your parents are graciously helping you out with the costs. Unless asked specifically about who's paying for what, I see no need to delve in to the fact that your parents are paying for everything.

[Deleted User]

What's worse is you are going to have a bigger problem on your hands when yur parents who are hosting print the invitations saying

Mr & Mrs request the presence of your company at the marriage of daughter to daughters's FI

with no mention of FILs and they have everyright to do that as they are paying.

This may not have come out in the best way possible but it's better to deal with it now than when you are dealing with invitations closer to the wedding.

specialk84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-money-and-fiances-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a195e7b7-36da-4c03-b1ba-a9881a079d08Post:5836a8c4-8272-4814-bfca-58dfb2ad7616">Re: Help! Money and mother in law</a>:
[QUOTE]What's worse is you are going to have a bigger problem on your hands when yur parents who are hosting print the invitations saying Mr & Mrs request the presence of your company at the marriage of daughter to daughters's FI with no mention of FILs and they have everyright to do that as they are paying. This may not have come out in the best way possible but it's better to deal with it now than when you are dealing with invitations closer to the wedding.
Posted by schlagetermari[/QUOTE]

<div>A traditional invitation does not include the groom's parents. Many times, even if the bride's parents don't pay for the event in its entirety, they are still listed (and act as) hosts. It's a tradition thing, not an etiquette thing.</div>

adamar15

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-money-and-fiances-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a195e7b7-36da-4c03-b1ba-a9881a079d08Post:5836a8c4-8272-4814-bfca-58dfb2ad7616">Re: Help! Money and mother in law</a>:
[QUOTE]What's worse is you are going to have a bigger problem on your hands when yur parents who are hosting print the invitations saying Mr & Mrs request the presence of your company at the marriage of daughter to daughters's FI <strong>with no mention of FILs and they have everyright to do that as they are paying.</strong> This may not have come out in the best way possible but it's better to deal with it now than when you are dealing with invitations closer to the wedding.
Posted by schlagetermari[/QUOTE]

<div>I think it's stupid that people do this.  Paying for the wedding doesn't give you the right to act like a douche.</div>

specialk84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-money-and-fiances-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a195e7b7-36da-4c03-b1ba-a9881a079d08Post:b2ab2629-4c06-439c-bc95-12d66b60f835">Re: Help! Money and mother in law</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help! Money and mother in law : I think it's stupid that people do this.  Paying for the wedding doesn't give you the right to act like a douche.
Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]

<div>How is it acting like a douche? I mean, if you say, "I'm paying, and since you aren't contributing anything, you don't get any say in anything!" then that's pretty douchey. I don't understand how using the traditional wording, especially if the bride's parents really are going to be hosting, not just writing a check, is douchey.</div>

jemmini6

Also, how are your parents going to feel to find out that you've been implying that you are paying for it yourselves to his mom?  If you have an engagement party coming up, I'm assuming both of your parents will be attending and it will be awkward for both to find out about your lie of ommission.  I can picture the conversation going like this

FMIL: "It's so nice that they'll be getting married, but I can't imagine how they'll pay for this wedding."

Your parents: " Oh, we'll be paying for it.  We discussed this with them several weeks ago, I'm surprised they haven't mentioned it"

FMIL:  "Um, when I asked about how they were paying, they said they were saving for it themselves."

Your parents:  "That's interesting.  I guess they aren't that appreciative of our gift if they are pretending like we aren't giving it to them."

FMIL: "Perhaps.  I guess they aren't that appreciative of my interest in their wedding either since they've been lying to me for weeks about you helping them pay for it"

...See, lying about this is a lose lose for everyone.

Laurmi

I would speak with your fiance. Lying about where the money comes from isn't fair to anyone, especially your generous parents! To lie about it implies that it's a bad thing what they're doing.

Your future MIL is a grown woman and while she might feel bad that she can't contribute, she'll most likely be appreciative of your parents generousity in the long run.

Good luck!

Laura 

abbitha7

I had the opposite problem, OP. My ILs paid for the entire wedding and my parents were unable to pitch in. When they asked how we were getting along with all of the costs, I told them that the ILs were taking care of it. They were sad that they didn't have the money to pitch in, but were grateful that the ILs were so generous and that they could stop worrying about how the wedding was going to be paid for.

I think that they would have been very upset had I played it off like we were paying for the wedding. I would definitely not lie to her, and like PPs have said, it will eventually come out and then she will definitely be upset. 

Cortney1982

I wouldn't lie.  If FMIL is rude enough to talk about money she is going to hear things she doesn't want to know.

zantster

 It seems that just saying that your parents are very traditional/old-fashioned (whichever way you want to phrase it) and consider it their duty/responsibiility/etc. to pay (still don't say how much) should be enough.  That way the FMIL shouldn't feel that it has anything to do with ability to pay.  Plus like a PP said there are many other ways the FMIL can help you if she's interested.

Nevtali

PPs have the solutions covered. I just wanted to say that this is such a great problem to have. I mean, I know it's uncomfortable at the moment, but you have parents who want to give you this gift and a FMIL who would be hurt not to be able to provide the same for her son. They all sound very generous. Let them help however they can (does FMIL have a special talent she could contribute?) and express appreciation for their support.

My parents and in-laws are like this - sometimes overbearing, but always generous with time, money, and affection - and I feel so lucky. You can totally turn this into a positive if you handle it right.