Family Drama

[Deleted User] · May 2013

so last night my FH and I were driving to go to event for work, when his sister randomly texts him and says "are the kids invited?" and thinking to myself, clearly you don't know that your save the date was only for you and your husband, naturally your invitation will be as well. anyway, so i write back to her for him, since he is driving. All of a sudden i feel as if i am in the middle of WWIII. She informs us that we should tell his brother that no kids are invited, because apparently everyone missed the memo. Then proceeds to say well ill be the only one coming then, since the kids will be so disapointed. We suggest that they leave the kids with FH brother in laws parents, but that doesnt go over well. We turn off our phones, and this morning i wake up to a fbook msg from the brother in law to me and FH and it says "im really upset that kids arent invited, its family. I would understand not letting friends have kids but were family, and this really makes me think that you guys just dont like them" I am livid. The only reason i dont want ANY child at my wedding is because our just family wedding, would be over 45 more to feed. Thats outrageous. I wanted a small wedding and when the total came to 100, we decided no children. 130 would be way over what we had wanted. Anyway, so we also got a reply from FH's brothers wife, and said "i dont get why, but okay"
I'm sorry, but i feel as if you have to react like this, then maybe no one has to come. Im sure his mother will be involved today and send a text my way. As if its soley my fault.

Meanwhile on my side of the family, everyone is happy they can be kid free for a night.

am i wrong for wanting a adults only wedding? This just frustrates and adds to my stress.

Dani182 · May 2013

No I don't think that you are wrong, BUT I do think that the invites should specify that it is a child free wedding.

rel1988 · May 2013

I think it is ok since you are excluding all kids, not picking and choosing. I do understand where they are coming from though...they are you neices and nephews, its not like they are your cousin's or friend's kids. I agree with PP, make sure invites specify NO kids to avoid all confusion.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

Doesn't Mr.and Michael Jonson
Ms. Jennette Smith

Specify that? Like i don't know why that would be taken in any form, oh the kids are invited.

Its not as if i said

Mr. Michael Jonson
Ms. Jennette Smith and Family

I dont know, but i just feel as if they are just trying to cause drama.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

Let me clarify, there are no kids under the age of 13. However, i did end up inviting 5 teens, because they arent young children.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

In Response to Re: Family Drama:
[QUOTE]No I don't think that you are wrong, BUT I do think that the invites should specify that it is a child free wedding.
Posted by Dani182[/QUOTE]

Wrong. Invitations are intended for the invited, not who isn't. OP, you and your FI are entitled to a kid-free wedding if that's what you both want. If his family are having issues then he needs to be the one to talk to them. The same would go if your family had an issue. Let him handle his family.

Dani182 · May 2013

Personally I wouldn't get that the wedding was child free just by addressing it like that. I addressed mine like that and I am having a child friendly wedding. IMO if you want a child free wedding then you need to say that in your invite.

NYCMercedes · May 2013

In Response to Re: Family Drama:
[QUOTE]I think it is ok since you are excluding all kids, not picking and choosing. I do understand where they are coming from though...they are you neices and nephews, its not like they are your cousin's or friend's kids. I agree with PP, make sure invites specify NO kids to avoid all confusion.
Posted by rel1988[/QUOTE]

This advice, and the advice from Dani, is wrong. Never put who is not invited on an invitation. An invitation specifies who is invited. OP, you can invite whomever you want. As PP said, if his family has a problem, then he needs to deal with it. If they call or text you, refer them to your fiance as "it is his weddingtoo".

[Deleted User] · May 2013

Nope. You address the invitation specifically to who is invited by name. Sometimes people will make assumptions and add on others. This is when you call them up all nice and say, "Hi! I just got your RSVP, thank you so much for sending it. I'm afraid there was a misunderstanding. The invitation was meant for you and Bob. I hope you can make it." If they decline or throw a fit you tell them they will be missed and move on.

Putting on the invitation that no children are allowed is like saying the recipients of the invitation are too stupid to read. Let them make the mistake, them call and fix it. It's not that difficult.

wittykitty14 · May 2013

In Response to Re: Family Drama:
[QUOTE]Nope. You address the invitation specifically to who is invited by name. Sometimes people will make assumptions and add on others. This is when you call them up all nice and say, "Hi! I just got your RSVP, thank you so much for sending it. I'm afraid there was a misunderstanding. The invitation was meant for you and Bob. I hope you can make it." If they decline or throw a fit you tell them they will be missed and move on. Putting on the invitation that no children are allowed is like saying the recipients of the invitation are too stupid to read. Let them make the mistake, them call and fix it. It's not that difficult.
Posted by JordanF13[/QUOTE]

This. Despite what PP's have said, invites should not say "no kids" or anything of the sort. You address them to exactly who is invited, which is what you did with your STDs. You did this correctly. You have the right to a child-free wedding, and addressed them appropriately. You are not in the wrong.

They aren't in the wrong for asking if the kids were invited-some people just want to make sure. However, they're in the wrong for giving you such a hard time about it. You're handling it fine though. Chances are, more people will ask you before the RVSP date. Some people may not ask and just RVSP with their kids. Call them, and be polite, but firm, when you tell them it's adults only. If they get upset with you, that's their issue.

Angelface225 · May 2013

You can spread the no kids information by word of mouth. Its considered terrible etiquette to put it on the invitations.

Good luck with the drama, stay strong!!

[Deleted User] · May 2013

Thanks everyone!

kenyalatham · May 2013

Well im having a kids free wedding to, I dont think theres anything wrong with it. The only kids is in the ceremony.I think kids waste food which waste money! Also half of them are not going to remember it anyway.at the end of the day Its your wedding i think that people forget that and want to be accomadated and the day to be about them
that is all, carry on and enjoy your day because i didnt hear once anyone offering to pay for the kids plates
n Response to Re: Family Drama:
[QUOTE]I think it is ok since you are excluding all kids, not picking and choosing. I do understand where they are coming from though...they are you neices and nephews, its not like they are your cousin's or friend's kids. I agree with PP, make sure invites specify NO kids to avoid all confusion.
Posted by rel1988[/QUOTE]

kenyalatham · May 2013

In Response to Re: Family Drama:
[QUOTE]You know I support a decision to have an adult wedding - within reason. Saying they waste food and are a waste of money is a little harsh.
Posted by scribe95[/QUOTE]

No offense im just trying to give logic. It was stated it would cost her more money than she wanted to pay. Its not personal at all i dont even know the kids. Im just saying i have attending weddings as a child and i only know because of pictures and because my mom told me.
the extra money can be used other places im sure. Kids are great but at wedding they are a handful

MrsGandthebeag · May 2013

We had a kid free wedding. No reason other than the fact that we're not into kids. We have a niece and nephews. No one gave us a hard time about them not coming. Your FI's family needs to suck it up.

Viczaesar · May 2013

In Response to Re: Family Drama:
[QUOTE]Personally I wouldn't get that the wedding was child free just by addressing it like that. I addressed mine like that and I am having a child friendly wedding. IMO if you want a child free wedding then you need to say that in your invite.
Posted by Dani182[/QUOTE]

No. Terrible advice.

Viczaesar · May 2013

In Response to Re: Family Drama:
[QUOTE]Well im having a kids free wedding to, I dont think theres anything wrong with it. The only kids is in the ceremony.I think kids waste food which waste money! Also half of them are not going to remember it anyway.at the end of the day Its your wedding i think that people forget that and want to be accomadated and the day to be about them that is all, carry on and enjoy your day because i didnt hear once anyone offering to pay for the kids plates n Response to Re: Family Drama :
Posted by kenyalatham[/QUOTE]

You cannot have children participate in your ceremony and not invite them to the reception. It's incredibly rude and a nasty thing to do.

vk2204 · May 2013

In Response to Re: Family Drama:
[QUOTE]Let me clarify, there are no kids under the age of 13. However, i did end up inviting 5 teens, because they arent young children.
Posted by Asha3988[/QUOTE]

I hope you aren't splitting up a family by inviting one child and not the other because of their age...

daveANDkristen · May 2013

In Response to Re: Family Drama:
[QUOTE]I think it is ok since you are excluding all kids, not picking and choosing. I do understand where they are coming from though...they are you neices and nephews, its not like they are your cousin's or friend's kids. I agree with PP, make sure invites specify NO kids to avoid all confusion.
Posted by rel1988[/QUOTE]

No, this is bad advice. I'm sorry, but it is rude to point out that someone is not invited to something - those listed on the invitation are the only people invited. OP's FI's family is just upset with their decision to exclude kids.

daveANDkristen · May 2013

In Response to Re: Family Drama:
[QUOTE]Personally I wouldn't get that the wedding was child free just by addressing it like that. I addressed mine like that and I am having a child friendly wedding. IMO if you want a child free wedding then you need to say that in your invite.
Posted by Dani182[/QUOTE]

I hope it works out for you. But that is not the correct way to address an invitation. The children should have been listed by name if they are invited. Don't be surprised if someone leaves their children at home because they didn't realize you didn't know how to correctly address an invitation.

ash273uk · May 2013

I put "adult only reception" on the invites. I am aware it is poor etiquette, but I did it anyway. It cleared up any confusion and avoided awkward conversations with people who don't understand that if their kids name isn't on the invite it means they're not invited. If people thought this was rude, they certainly never said a word to me about it. I know people on here will disagree with my decision and I respect that, but that worked for me and I'm glad I did it that way.

NYCMercedes · May 2013

In Response to Re: Family Drama:
[QUOTE]I put "adult only reception" on the invites. I am aware it is poor etiquette, but I did it anyway. It cleared up any confusion and avoided awkward conversations with people who don't understand that if their kids name isn't on the invite it means they're not invited. If people thought this was rude, they certainly never said a word to me about it. I know people on here will disagree with my decision and I respect that, but that worked for me and I'm glad I did it that way.
Posted by ash273uk[/QUOTE]

Yeah, like, in real life, people would tell you what you did was rude well after the fact. Yeah, we'll, that happens for sure.

happyfor25 · May 2013

"No kids" seems to be a touchy subject with some parents. In a perfect world, everyone would be aware of invitation etiquette (only those named on invite are actually invited).

For my recent 25 anniversary/vow renewal, I did not include any children. I would never have stated such on invitations. My cousin (C1) and his wife NEVER go anywhere without their children so I was pleasantly surprised when they responded that they would be attending (and indicated 1 beef, 1 chicken option on RSVP). My other cousin (C2, his sister) who also has small children had asked me if her children were invited (again invite addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Cousin only) so I told her we were not including children. She was fine with that.

Fast forward to day of party, C1 sends me an email that he will not be able to attend (no reason provided). C2 tells me that C1 had assumed that kids were invited and that while talking to him the day before the party, he mentioned bringing the kids and she told him that kids were not invited. Apparently, this is why they did not come.

So, in a perfect world, we would not have been out the cost of 2 meals if everyone was aware of invitation etiquette. So I guess I'm less opposed to including "adults only" on an invitation than I was previously.

Hello+Panda · May 2013

I would think that the names on the invitations would be who shows up to the wedding, but that's just me. I personally made sure to contact ladies on my guest list that I know are nursing mothers to let them know that their little ones are welcome, but again that's me.

kerbohl · May 2013

In Response to Re: Family Drama:
[QUOTE]I had a no-kids wedding, and here's what I did: Not only did I put the name of each person the invitation was for, I had a blank space to fill. It went something like "___ seat(s) have been reserved in your honor." And then I filled in the blank. Then I had the part to fill out your name and in the food portion I asked that they initial who wanted what. Word of caution - numer your invites. Five RSVPs came back with little checks in the meal part and no names in the blank. Glad I had a number system that I could look it up!
Posted by Harry87[/QUOTE]

That's a good suggestion! And this is a good way to do the invites, with mentioning how many seats are reserved in their honour. If that doesn't make it clear enough, I don't know what will!

kenyalatham · May 2013

Ok im sorry can we start over. The kids in the ceremony are the only kids that will be at the reception, so the kids that are in my ceremony will be at the reception as well but no extra kids.wow (Its rude to call names ) Have a blessed day

In Response to Re: Family Drama:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Family Drama : You cannot have children participate in your ceremony and not invite them to the reception. It's incredibly rude and a nasty thing to do.
Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]

[Deleted User] · May 2013

Oh i told them this when we got engaged and started planning everything. So they knew Last July. Its just taken them until now to realize i was telling the truth. His family only texts, and im fine with that. Everyone lives too far away to talk to in person, and i need this in writing that they understand their children are not invited.

I've convinced 1 out of 3 siblings to find a babysitter. Just hoping the other two jump in line.

YankeeGirlGoesSouthern · May 2013

Kid free weddings are almost guaranteed to start some family bs. I know because we're having one and people raised a huge fuss. It's your wedding. People need to deal.

easilyunamused · May 2013

Viczaesar said:

In Response to Re: Family Drama:
[QUOTE]Well im having a kids free wedding to, I dont think theres anything wrong with it. The only kids is in the ceremony.I think kids waste food which waste money! Also half of them are not going to remember it anyway.at the end of the day Its your wedding i think that people forget that and want to be accomadated and the day to be about them that is all, carry on and enjoy your day because i didnt hear once anyone offering to pay for the kids plates n Response to Re: Family Drama :
Posted by kenyalatham[/QUOTE]

You cannot have children participate in your ceremony and not invite them to the reception. It's incredibly rude and a nasty thing to do.

I totally agree with this. Where are they going? Who has to leave to take them home? That's like inviting guests to the ceremony and telling them they won't have a seat for the reception.

Angelface225 · May 2013

To clarify:

Calling names: "you are rude and nasty."

What Vic said: "Its incredibly rude and a nasty thing to do."

loganandmara · May 2013

We're having a kid free wedding/reception also. We got mixed reactions - everything from from the offended "why are you making things hard for people? how COULD you?!" to the grateful "so glad you're doing that, thank you!"

Just me, but I found that when dealing with the offended, it was best to simply say that it was a difficult budget and venue size decision we had to make, nothing personal. It's hard for people to argue with that. What are they going to say - 'get a bigger venue' or 'increase/re-do your budget'? It sounds like it's not personal in your case, so just be honest! I'd also let them know you made these cuts across the board - not on a "like" or "don't like" basis. You didn't do anything wrong here. They just don't agree - but it's not their wedding.

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