Dear Abby Article

ohmrs2014 · May 2013

I found this on yahoo and I thought it was horrible advice. It's the very first question and answer. How can it be against etiquette to ask if your SO is invited? If anything I would think its against etiquette to not invite the SO.

Thoughts?

winelover123 · May 2013

I saw that earlier - it's awful. The poor lady even said that the guy isn't a casual boyfriend.

ohmrs2014 · May 2013

@StageManager14 i totally agree. I would have felt bad if it was an oversight on my part. I just feel badly for her because she's basically being told no because they don't want a guest there that they don't know.

ETA: grammar

Simply Fated · May 2013

I think Jeanne Phillips is long overdue for a long vacation.

TiaTea · May 2013

It depends on one's definition of SO.

If you invite only close friends, and one of your friends has a SO, I would think that she would have mentioned him, if he was "signicant", rather than casual. In which case you would know who "Sam" is. In that case you would have invitations for both your friend and Sam.
If you have to ask your close friend if she has a SO, obviously he's not that "significant" yet. In the question above neither the friend nor the cousin knew Sam. To me it's strange to insist that someone is your SO and not have introduced him.

To me the definition of SO is that you have at least some reason to believe that that this person will saty in your life : husband, fiance, life parner, the person with whom you are planing to move in, someone with whom you are making plans for staying together, etc. The others are boyfriends and girlfriends. You date them and can even be in love with them, but that doesn't make them SO.

But it's interesting to get more opinions on what SO is .
Your understanding? Other definitions?

Xstatic3333 · May 2013

I've seen a lot of bad advice about SOs lately, most recently in my local paper's advice blog, which I usually like. I just don't get it!

Two years ago, my name was left off two invites to FI. It turned out that both couples considered me "invited" and assumed I would somehow just know. For the first wedding, it came up in conversation so we figured it out. For the second, we never asked and I just didn't go. FI did, with my blessing, since I didn't yet know it was wrong and they are very dear old friends. They still feel awful about it a few years later. For that reason, even though it may be officially a no-no, I would always recommend that people with left off SOs check with the host to make sure it was intentional.

To me, a SO is anyone you'd introduce as BF, GF, or another parallel term. I'm a fan of plus ones for all myself, though (I know it's not mandatory and wouldn't judge, just my preference). That said, we have smaller families and I get why some with large families just can't do plus ones. I see no excuse for excluding SOs though.

ohmrs2014 · May 2013

To me a SO is anyone that you are dating. If even if the are together for two months, I feel like who are we to determine the importance and significance and seriousness of that relationship. I knew after two months with FI that there was something special about him and after 8 months, when he stuck around for my time in the hospital, I knew he was keeper and that I was going to marry him.

crunchymamaof2 · May 2013

At one point almost all of our SOs/FIs/DHs were simply a "boyfriend" or casual acquaintance as you describe. No one has any right to say who's SO/boyfriend/girlfriend is "special" enough to get invited. If they consider themselves dating someone, that someone gets an invite. Period. One of the very important lessons I've learned from these boards (with cash bars being a big no as #2!).

I also read this column yesterday in the paper and was horrified. I felt horrible for that woman and planned to write to Dear Abby myself to tell her what terrible advice she gave.

MoonlightSilver · May 2013

TiaTea said:

It depends on one's definition of SO.

If you invite only close friends, and one of your friends has a SO, I would think that she would have mentioned him, if he was "signicant", rather than casual. In which case you would know who "Sam" is. In that case you would have invitations for both your friend and Sam.
If you have to ask your close friend if she has a SO, obviously he's not that "significant" yet. In the question above neither the friend nor the cousin knew Sam. To me it's strange to insist that someone is your SO and not have introduced him.

To me the definition of SO is that you have at least some reason to believe that that this person will saty in your life : husband, fiance, life parner, the person with whom you are planing to move in, someone with whom you are making plans for staying together, etc. The others are boyfriends and girlfriends. You date them and can even be in love with them, but that doesn't make them SO.

But it's interesting to get more opinions on what SO is .
Your understanding? Other definitions?

Um, no. That's not true at all. I have plenty of friends, but I don't know if every single one of them is dating nor the first and last names of the people I do know are dating. Not everyone lives next door to each other or has time to introduce to all their family and friends the person their dating.

winelover123 · May 2013

TiaTea said:

It depends on one's definition of SO.

If you invite only close friends, and one of your friends has a SO, I would think that she would have mentioned him, if he was "signicant", rather than casual. In which case you would know who "Sam" is. In that case you would have invitations for both your friend and Sam.
If you have to ask your close friend if she has a SO, obviously he's not that "significant" yet. In the question above neither the friend nor the cousin knew Sam. To me it's strange to insist that someone is your SO and not have introduced him.

To me the definition of SO is that you have at least some reason to believe that that this person will saty in your life : husband, fiance, life parner, the person with whom you are planing to move in, someone with whom you are making plans for staying together, etc. The others are boyfriends and girlfriends. You date them and can even be in love with them, but that doesn't make them SO.

But it's interesting to get more opinions on what SO is .
Your understanding? Other definitions?

It doesn't matter what my personal definition of an SO is - if a guest considers someone they are dating an SO, then they are an SO. If they consider the person to be a casual BF, then that's what they are. I have friends and family and I don't know if they are in a relationship with someone, so I don't think that not knowing makes an "other" significant purely based on whether I know of their existence.

KDM323 · May 2013

I'll take it even further...I wouldn't want to make someone uncomfortable by simply inviting them as a "single" to an event where most other individuals there will be couples. I'd prefer my friends and family bring a date (if they'd please) than be forced to decide to come alone or not attend my wedding.

I am giving every single person on our guest list a +1...either their current spouse, partner, etc. or just a +1. I'd prefer they have someone to enjoy the evening with, even if I don't know the person.

If I couldn't afford to do that...I'd have a smaller wedding or have chosen a different venue.

I think some people are just rude and/or forget what it is like to be single when it comes to wedding planning.

TiaTea · May 2013

@StageMAnager14
"Did you read the article? These aren't cases of these people not knowing ABOUT her SO. They are cases of not inviting him because they don't personally know him and don't want someone they don't know there. Big difference."

Yes, I read the article. Just where did you see the information that they KNEW who he is , before she asked if she could bring him?

StephJean83 · May 2013

@TiaTea, my FH for the first few months of our dating didn't make it "FB Official" and he had a few friends use FB to get check if friends were dating anyone for their wedding invites. Since his said "single" and the friends live in a different state than us, they didn't "know" about me. Just because someone doesn't know about the person, it doesn't make them any less significant to their partner.

My FH has a cousin who has a child with man, is engaged to him and still majority of the family hadn't meet him. They have been together for a few years but he doesn't come to family functions whereas I attended family functions from day of us being together.

TiaTea · May 2013

Some very good points here . Let me address them all together:

In my opinion a wedding is not a PR event. It's a private , intimate event, even if you have 200 guests. All those guests are invited , because they are important to you, they have meaning to you.
Your friend's SO has a mening to you by proxy, because he is important to your firend. Just like you expect your friend to be your friend in the future, you would expect that SO to be your friend's SO in the future too. That person is definitely going to be invited.

Just because every SO was at one point a boyfriend or a girlfriend, doesn't mean that every boyfreiend or a girlfreind is a SO. You ( the host of the wedding/ the marrying couple) have no way of knowing, unless you are told. You can't guess.
With that said, why would you want , besides your best friends and your favorite relatives, to invite some random people to the most intimate event in your life? If your friend is dating this person, whom you didn't know, never herd of, so he wasn't invited , you'll have plenty of years ahead to get to meet him , invite him and her to many events , go places together , and so on. That is in case he becomes the SO. And if he does not become the SO, neither you , nor your friend will be sorry for not inviting him.

By the way there is no stigma in being singe. Your single ( and coupled) firends will have great time together, rather than trying to entertain someone, who doesn't know anybody else.

In my opinion, to be invited as a plus one to an event where you don't know anybody besides the person who's +1 you are, is not fun. I'd much rather go by myself to a place I know plenty of people, than just one person.

ohmrs2014 · May 2013

Like its been said before, no one can ever judge the seriousness of a relationship. Who am I to judge how serious, let's say for instance, my best friends relationship with her new BF of like 2 months is regardless of whether or not I met him.

My extended family didn't meet FI until almost a year of being together and that just so happened to be at a funeral for my uncle. They knew of him, just never met him. And even now, engaged and all my family still sends invites to just me and I have to call and ask if FI is invited and included. Of course they say yes, but most of the time its just an oversight on their part when writing out the mailing address.

I would never purposefully leave off a SO of someone that I was inviting regardless of the event. And if by chance I do or ever will, they will be surely getting an apologetic phone call from me for my oversight. Even if I didn't know they were dating someone, I would still apologize and let them be invited.

When you leave off a SO, its like splitting up a social unit. I don't agree with the whole "you'll have plenty of of years to meet him and get to know him." IMO, that's just plain rude. I want all my guests at my wedding to be happy and comfortable, so what if I don't know some of the people they are bringing as guests or if they are dating someone I haven't met.

And yes, I would be horrified if I didn't invite the SO a friend, regardless of how long they date before or after the wedding. Again, who are we to judge the seriousness of a relationship.

kerbohl · May 2013

I feel bad for this widow, not just because her new man wasn't invited to two weddings, but because she is obviously feeling a double slam of emotions for being a widow. She is going to these weddings as a single unit, which would probably bring back memories of her deceased husband as well as her feeling bad that this Sam was not permitted to come with her. If I were these brides and this woman meant anything to me, I would be more than happy to let her bring the new man in her life. Budget be damned, this woman deserves to be happy after losing her husband, and letting her bring her new person will do that!

StephJean83 · May 2013

TiaTea said:
Some very good points here . Let me address them all together:

In my opinion a wedding is not a PR event. It's a private , intimate event, even if you have 200 guests. All those guests are invited , because they are important to you, they have meaning to you.
Your friend's SO has a mening to you by proxy, because he is important to your firend. Just like you expect your friend to be your friend in the future, you would expect that SO to be your friend's SO in the future too. That person is definitely going to be invited.

Just because every SO was at one point a boyfriend or a girlfriend, doesn't mean that every boyfreiend or a girlfreind is a SO. You ( the host of the wedding/ the marrying couple) have no way of knowing, unless you are told. You can't guess.
With that said, why would you want , besides your best friends and your favorite relatives, to invite some random people to the most intimate event in your life? If your friend is dating this person, whom you didn't know, never herd of, so he wasn't invited , you'll have plenty of years ahead to get to meet him , invite him and her to many events , go places together , and so on. That is in case he becomes the SO. And if he does not become the SO, neither you , nor your friend will be sorry for not inviting him.

By the way there is no stigma in being singe. Your single ( and coupled) firends will have great time together, rather than trying to entertain someone, who doesn't know anybody else.

In my opinion, to be invited as a plus one to an event where you don't know anybody besides the person who's +1 you are, is not fun. I'd much rather go by myself to a place I know plenty of people, than just one person.

To the end of only knowing the person who brought you, how the heck will you meet your SO's friends if you don't attend weddings or such with them? I was a "Plus 1" to his high school class reunion, and 5 weddings where I was meeting some of his friends for the first time. Some of them did KNOW OF me, as in, "P is dating Steph and she is a sweet girl", from talking to our roommate, but they didn't KNOW me.

I would rather go to a wedding knowing no one but my FH and meet his friends vs taking a different weekend off of work, spending money on a hotel room and gas and food out, and go to Iowa or Nebraska or Virginia or Texas or wherever FH's live to meet them. If I can go to a wedding and meet his friends, why not? If you plan on being in your SO's life for the foreseeable future, wouldn't you want to know their friends?

monkeysip · May 2013

kerbohl said:

I feel bad for this widow, not just because her new man wasn't invited to two weddings, but because she is obviously feeling a double slam of emotions for being a widow. She is going to these weddings as a single unit, which would probably bring back memories of her deceased husband as well as her feeling bad that this Sam was not permitted to come with her. If I were these brides and this woman meant anything to me, I would be more than happy to let her bring the new man in her life. Budget be damned, this woman deserves to be happy after losing her husband, and letting her bring her new person will do that!

This exactly. Every SO should be invited regardless (and not by some made-up definition of a SO). But to deny a date to a widow? Come on, just give the woman a date for crying out loud!

Kate61487 · May 2013

TiaTea said:
Some very good points here . Let me address them all together:

In my opinion a wedding is not a PR event. It's a private , intimate event, even if you have 200 guests. All those guests are invited , because they are important to you, they have meaning to you.
Your friend's SO has a mening to you by proxy, because he is important to your firend. Just like you expect your friend to be your friend in the future, you would expect that SO to be your friend's SO in the future too. That person is definitely going to be invited.

Just because every SO was at one point a boyfriend or a girlfriend, doesn't mean that every boyfreiend or a girlfreind is a SO. You ( the host of the wedding/ the marrying couple) have no way of knowing, unless you are told. You can't guess.
With that said, why would you want , besides your best friends and your favorite relatives, to invite some random people to the most intimate event in your life? If your friend is dating this person, whom you didn't know, never herd of, so he wasn't invited , you'll have plenty of years ahead to get to meet him , invite him and her to many events , go places together , and so on. That is in case he becomes the SO. And if he does not become the SO, neither you , nor your friend will be sorry for not inviting him.

By the way there is no stigma in being singe. Your single ( and coupled) firends will have great time together, rather than trying to entertain someone, who doesn't know anybody else.

In my opinion, to be invited as a plus one to an event where you don't know anybody besides the person who's +1 you are, is not fun. I'd much rather go by myself to a place I know plenty of people, than just one person.

First - totally agree with Stage. I don't know many people who exclusively date someone they see no future with. The very fact that they call someone their BF/GF means they think there's a future.

Second, to the bolded:
1) exactly. You don't know and can't judge who is 'significant' and who isn't. Thus all bf/gf should be invited because otherwise there's a good chance you're pissing off at least one friend. The fact that your friend says "I have a boyfriend, his name is john" IS them telling you he's significant.

2) Apparently all of your friends are local. I have friends all over the country. If we didn't invite "new" boyfriends/girlfriends to major life events (like the kind you fly across the country for) there is zero chance of me ever meeting them.

3) the problem with this statement is that someone with a bf/gf IS NOT SINGLE! And the point of bringing the bf/gf no one's met yet is so they can get to meet and know them - they're not stuck 'entertaining' them all night; they're living their lives as a couple. At some point we all have to be the new person who only knows one other person, b/c that's how you meet new people...

Xstatic3333 · May 2013

I don't like the terminology of "just" a bf/gf because FI and I were still using these terms for each other well after we were SOs and life partners. It took us a couple of years to get to that point, but some couples get there very quickly. Inviting all relationships, regardless of how serious they "seem," takes the judgement away, avoids the risk of offending your guests, and actually makes your life easier. I'm so glad I read the advice here to budget for everyone to have a SO when I was early in my planning!

monkeysip · May 2013

Yup, that bothers me too. FI and I dated for over 8 years before becoming engaged. And we don't live together either. But we were completely committed since the beginning. These arbitrary distinctions between labels doesn't make sense. FI was "significant" to me since we began dating.

s-aries8990 · May 2013

s-aries8990 · May 2013

monkeysip said:

Yup, that bothers me too. FI and I dated for over 8 years before becoming engaged. And we don't live together either. But we were completely committed since the beginning. These arbitrary distinctions between labels doesn't make sense. FI was "significant" to me since we began dating.

Yep. BF and I just passed the 6 year mark. We were in HS, then college, and right now I'm living at home to get my family through a rough time. He is my boyfriend and we have been committed this whole time. He isn't "just" my BF, he is my life partner and our relationship shouldn't be brushed aside just because we haven't gotten engaged.

wrigleyville · May 2013

Nothing peeved me off more than hearing "just a boyfriend" when FI and I had been together for six months. We were planning to move in together and had discussed marriage at that point. He wasn't JUST a boyfriend.

Also, we didn't tell everyone we were a couple until we'd been together for a few months because he's a private person and doesn't like big FB announcements. We told people one by one, maybe a few at a time. By Tia's logic, he wasn't very significant because I didn't tell all 300 people on my friends list, and if I'd been invited to a wedding, he wouldn't have to be included. And, really, that's fine because I could have just partied with my friends to "keep myself company" while my boyfriend sat at home.

I call BS on that. All of that. The people in the relationship get to decide how serious and significant they are, not the bride and groom. And wouldn't you feel like a jerk if you DID hang out with this person just a few weeks later and saw how seriously in love they were? Awkward...

PrettyGirlLost · May 2013

monkeysip said:

Yup, that bothers me too. FI and I dated for over 8 years before becoming engaged. And we don't live together either. But we were completely committed since the beginning. These arbitrary distinctions between labels doesn't make sense. FI was "significant" to me since we began dating.

Yep, people seem to be trying to rationalize unpopular decisions via semantics. A person's BF/GF = their SO, the words are equivalent.

This is becoming as silly as the dating terminology people use in high school and college- "Oh well we aren't going out, we are just talking." What the hell does any of that even mean? Either you are dating someone, or you are not. When people would say that crap to me, I used to respond, "Well I'm talking to you right now, so what does that make us?" Ugh.

And just like you @monkeysip, I dated FI for 10 years before becoming engaged and we will have been together for 13 years in December of 2014.

Kate61487 · May 2013

cmsciulli said:

This is becoming as silly as the dating terminology people use in high school and college- "Oh well we aren't going out, we are just talking." What the hell does any of that even mean? Either you are dating someone, or you are not.

Unfortunately the term 'dating' is kind of loosely defined. I've definitely heard people say "oh he's not my boyfriend, we're just dating" because it sounds better than "we go to dinner and mess around once in a while but we're not exclusive" I feel like the title you give is more significant than the verb - "boyfriend" is pretty clear

PrettyGirlLost · May 2013

Kate61487 said:

cmsciulli said:

This is becoming as silly as the dating terminology people use in high school and college- "Oh well we aren't going out, we are just talking." What the hell does any of that even mean? Either you are dating someone, or you are not.

Unfortunately the term 'dating' is kind of loosely defined. I've definitely heard people say "oh he's not my boyfriend, we're just dating" because it sounds better than "we go to dinner and mess around once in a while but we're not exclusive" I feel like the title you give is more significant than the verb - "boyfriend" is pretty clear

I don't think so, to me dating implies exclusivity. What you described is playing the field to me.

I agree with you on titles.

Xstatic3333 · May 2013

Kate61487 said:

cmsciulli said:

This is becoming as silly as the dating terminology people use in high school and college- "Oh well we aren't going out, we are just talking." What the hell does any of that even mean? Either you are dating someone, or you are not.

Unfortunately the term 'dating' is kind of loosely defined. I've definitely heard people say "oh he's not my boyfriend, we're just dating" because it sounds better than "we go to dinner and mess around once in a while but we're not exclusive" I feel like the title you give is more significant than the verb - "boyfriend" is pretty clear

My circle of friends tends to use that meaning for "dating" as well, though I can see how it could be taken differently. It's a good argument for just asking your friend if they want their partner included on the invite, as you all wisely advised me last week.

Nightingalejules · May 2013

I really feel for the widow in the Dear Abby article, and I am shocked that her family was unwilling to make an exception for her.

Both for financial and fire code reasons, we didn't automatically add plus ones to our guest list. But anyone who had a bf/gf, what have you, that we knew of, we invited by name.

I'd be upset if someone that I knew just wrote in another name on the RSVP, but if I heard (probably through my mom - people tell her things) that they were upset that I didn't include their SO, I'd do my absolute best to fit them in.

Amyzen83 · May 2013

Abby gave terrible advice. I actually had a debate with a friend yesterday and she's etiquette clueless although she will never admit it. She basically state that SOs by definition are married people. Sorry FI's and Boyfriend/Girlfriends are not considered SOs, and then she took it even further to say well, "mutual friend stuck to her guns about not having children at her wedding". I told her they were in their right to do that because Children are not required to be invited, but SOs are because only the couple has any right to define the seriousness of their relationship. Some couples haven't tied the knot for various reasons but that doesn't make them less serious. I flat out told her that I would not attend a wedding that FI is not invited to because I'm not "single" and haven't been in awhile, and why should I celebrate a couple's relationship when they can't even respect mine and worse put me at a table full of "single people". I don't want to dance with anyone other than my fi, I don't want to be hit on by single cousin Joe and I don't want to be around other couples and see how much fun they are having, while I'm feeling awkward and my fi's at home.

Sorry just a rant, but that article just seemed an appropriate place for me to put this

PrettyGirlLost · May 2013

The Emily Post Institute gives bad advice: http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/planning-your-wedding/656-inside-weddings-handling-your-guests-with-grace

Each time I get into a "plus 1/Inviting SO's" debate with people on Wedding Bee, someone trots this stupid article out as to what the proper etiquette really is.

It's time to update some etiquette rules and use common sense!

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